Loss & Mixed Emotions

[Donna]

About 6 weeks ago, my boyfriend broke up with me, for reasons which I'd rather not go into, other than to say I have never done anything to hurt or upset him, and vice versa. We had an incredibally loving and caring relationship from the very beginning, right up until the end.

 

What we shared together was truly amazing. Everybody envied us and I have never been so emotionally close to someone in my life. I know he loved me very much, as did I him and he was just as emotionally close to me.

 

Now that we are apart, I am feeling this incredible sense of loss. It is not likely we will get back together, so I am not going to wish or hope for it.

 

I miss him more than anything, but we are not in contact anymore, because I felt it would be easier for me. I want my wounds to heal. He contacted me shortly after the break up and told me that he still loves me and always will. He hurts that we're not together, but he believes it is the best thing that we are not.

 

I have just discovered that he has started to see someone new. This has broken my heart completely.

 

I have these horrible feelings of inadequacy, accompanied by a lot of pain, and anger, and when I get angry with him, I feel very guilty. I feel like I was not enough for him, even though he has always said, and also said the last time he contacted me, that he would be lucky to ever find someone like me again. He was a bit mixed up over some events in his life that have been going on since we met, couldn't handle them well, and when we split and he felt it was best thing for us.

 

This is really hard for me because my happiness and the best relationship I've ever had is not there anymore and I've never felt such loss in my life.

[Donna]

Sorry, I left some things out:

 

His parents were part of the influence. They never approved of me being with him (I am older by 4 years, and they were prejudiced) and I was never welcome at their house, although his brother's girlfriend was (his brother didn't have a girlfriend until about 7 months after my ex and I started seeing each other). His family are very strict and always have been.

 

He talked about his problems to me, I tried to help, but he couldn't seem to get anywhere with them. He couldn't bring himself to talk to anyone else about them. Bit confused and afraid I think.

About 6 weeks ago, my boyfriend broke up with me, for reasons which I'd rather not go into, other than to say I have never done anything to hurt or upset him, and vice versa. We had an incredibally loving and caring relationship from the very beginning, right up until the end. What we shared together was truly amazing. Everybody envied us and I have never been so emotionally close to someone in my life. I know he loved me very much, as did I him and he was just as emotionally close to me. Now that we are apart, I am feeling this incredible sense of loss. It is not likely we will get back together, so I am not going to wish or hope for it. I miss him more than anything, but we are not in contact anymore, because I felt it would be easier for me. I want my wounds to heal. He contacted me shortly after the break up and told me that he still loves me and always will. He hurts that we're not together, but he believes it is the best thing that we are not. I have just discovered that he has started to see someone new. This has broken my heart completely.

 

I have these horrible feelings of inadequacy, accompanied by a lot of pain, and anger, and when I get angry with him, I feel very guilty. I feel like I was not enough for him, even though he has always said, and also said the last time he contacted me, that he would be lucky to ever find someone like me again. He was a bit mixed up over some events in his life that have been going on since we met, couldn't handle them well, and when we split and he felt it was best thing for us.

 

This is really hard for me because my happiness and the best relationship I've ever had is not there anymore and I've never felt such loss in my life.

[Nic]

i think i can hear 'sting' singing here: "if you love someone, set them free".

 

i can understand why he might have thought the relationship should end. if he thought so highly of you and loved you so much, then maybe he felt that it was better to leave the relationship exactly like that, than to have his personal problem, which he is obviously having a hell of a time dealing with, destroy the love and affection there. my guess is he thought you didn't deserve to have his problems heaped on you, so took the easy way out. it would have been just as hurtful for him to break it off with you, but remember - it really is his loss that he couldn't deal with it.

 

being in love should mean you can work these things out together, but for some people, they don't see it that way. for them, to love somone is to set them free, and he probably wanted to set you free of his problems. he may think he has done the right thing, but then again, considering the depths into which some people sink, maybe he has. i can't really say when i don't know his problem. i think insecurity and a lack of confidence within himself has a lot to do with things here.

 

you don't say if the problem he has is personal to the point where it has something to with him only, or something to do with you and him. certainly his family would have been a pressure on him, if they made it known regularly how they felt about you dating him and if they were overbearing. unfortunately, some people's families can make life hell for them.

 

seems to me he was scared of this wonderful thing fizzling out because of his problems and did a runner, and now he's settling for someone else to make the loss of this relationship easier on him and take his mind off things. but that won't solve his problems still (except for the family thing maybe). it was the easy way out and gutless, but i think in his own funny way, he felt he was doing the right thing, which is unfortunate.

 

i'm glad to hear you aren't getting your hopes up though. this man sounds too confused to even consider getting back with. this man is probably the kind of person who will always run when he can't deal with something. and as special as he is to you, he's done you a favour in the long run. he really has.

 

don't feel inadequate. he loved you very much. this new person he's with is not a reflection on you at all. he just sounds like he really doesn't know what he's doing anymore. and i think you've made the right decision to not be around him. that would just be way too hard on you. don't speak or contact him in any way until you feel you have gotten over him. you need to heal.

 

of course you feel pain. you lost something very special to you. of course you feel angry. he broke up with you and took away what made you so happy, and now he's with someone else. and the guilt is only because you love him so much.

 

try and think that he's done the best thing for you in the long run. because he will probably always run away from his problems. it's just the kind of person he is and no one can change that. the feeling of loss is something that we ALL feel when the one we love isn't there anymore. and it is always accompanied by pain and anger. this will fade in time and with a lot of support from friends and family.

 

but sometimes even the most beautiful of relationships come to an end. but at least you're always left with memories full of beauty, which is a lot more than many people can hope for.

Sorry, I left some things out: His parents were part of the influence. They never approved of me being with him (I am older by 4 years, and they were prejudiced) and I was never welcome at their house, although his brother's girlfriend was (his brother didn't have a girlfriend until about 7 months after my ex and I started seeing each other). His family are very strict and always have been. He talked about his problems to me, I tried to help, but he couldn't seem to get anywhere with them. He couldn't bring himself to talk to anyone else about them. Bit confused and afraid I think.

[eg]

Well I'm no expert, but I think his "personal problems" WEREN'T too much of a burden for anybody, Obviously. Cause if he's with someone else already and he used "personal problems" to get out of a relationship, that's a bunch of (fill in the blank). Let's face it, that excuse has been used more times than the number of times Gore will want a recount. It's like in the men's handbook of relationships, chapter 2 "how to get out of them". I'm Sorry, but that's the way it is. Basically what he's saying is "it's not you it's me" which means one of two things: one, he's already interested in another girl or two, he wants to wants to explore his interests in other girls. From the sounds of it, your both pretty young. I mean if his parents aren't too thrilled that your four years older than him, then at least one of you have to be under the age of 20, if not both. Cause age is just a number after that. It's natural for both girls and guys to want out of a relationships to explore. The biggest thing for you is don't take it personal. Go out and have some fun, this should be the best time of your life. And be happy that he was somewhat truthful about it and stopped the relationship. Cause it would've hurt a lot more to catch him cheating. You sound like a good girl, keep your head up and don't do nothing stupid. Brighter days are ahead.

Sorry, I left some things out: His parents were part of the influence. They never approved of me being with him (I am older by 4 years, and they were prejudiced) and I was never welcome at their house, although his brother's girlfriend was (his brother didn't have a girlfriend until about 7 months after my ex and I started seeing each other). His family are very strict and always have been. He talked about his problems to me, I tried to help, but he couldn't seem to get anywhere with them. He couldn't bring himself to talk to anyone else about them. Bit confused and afraid I think.

[Donna]

The personal problems did relate to us in a way (it's a long story. NOthing bad that anyoen did, just something that nagged at him because he's insecure. has hang ups). he really lets things get to him too much and always has, but is one of these people who rarely opens up about things but lets them eat at him. but his family were very overbearing, traditional people and did make it tough on him (I'm 25, he's 21). They really did make things tough on him, were overprotective and even imposed curfews on him, which I know embarrassed him a lot, even though I accepted it. You see, I was the bad influence older woman in their eyes and they would never accept it.

 

I suppose he just wants to be able to have a relationship that his family accepts, because they really did make him feel like crap about dating me and they are very, very overbearing to the point they used to ring him constantly when he was with me, just to interfere (because in their eyes, age is an issue), and it's their culture too, which I am not a part of.

 

it sucks and it hurts, but there's not much I can do about it unfortunately other than plod along for now.

 

Well I'm no expert, but I think his "personal problems" WEREN'T too much of a burden for anybody, Obviously. Cause if he's with someone else already and he used "personal problems" to get out of a relationship, that's a bunch of (fill in the blank). Let's face it, that excuse has been used more times than the number of times Gore will want a recount. It's like in the men's handbook of relationships, chapter 2 "how to get out of them". I'm Sorry, but that's the way it is. Basically what he's saying is "it's not you it's me" which means one of two things: one, he's already interested in another girl or two, he wants to wants to explore his interests in other girls. From the sounds of it, your both pretty young. I mean if his parents aren't too thrilled that your four years older than him, then at least one of you have to be under the age of 20, if not both. Cause age is just a number after that. It's natural for both girls and guys to want out of a relationships to explore. The biggest thing for you is don't take it personal. Go out and have some fun, this should be the best time of your life. And be happy that he was somewhat truthful about it and stopped the relationship. Cause it would've hurt a lot more to catch him cheating. You sound like a good girl, keep your head up and don't do nothing stupid. Brighter days are ahead.

[Deejette]

I don't get it that he would break up with you if things were going so great. My thinking is that at 21, he might not be mature enough for the problems the relationship presented between him and his family.

 

He is looking for an easier time of it with this new lady. What makes him think he will be able to work out this personal problem with this new girl if he could not work it out with you?

 

It may help you to get over him by really seeing what it looks like to someone who is not close to the situation: He wanted to start seeing someone else and could not come up with a reason, so he hit upon a problem that was supposedly neither one of your faults. That would let you both down easy (he won't feel guilt and you won't feel angry at him).

The personal problems did relate to us in a way (it's a long story. NOthing bad that anyoen did, just something that nagged at him because he's insecure. has hang ups). he really lets things get to him too much and always has, but is one of these people who rarely opens up about things but lets them eat at him. but his family were very overbearing, traditional people and did make it tough on him (I'm 25, he's 21). They really did make things tough on him, were overprotective and even imposed curfews on him, which I know embarrassed him a lot, even though I accepted it. You see, I was the bad influence older woman in their eyes and they would never accept it.

 

I suppose he just wants to be able to have a relationship that his family accepts, because they really did make him feel like crap about dating me and they are very, very overbearing to the point they used to ring him constantly when he was with me, just to interfere (because in their eyes, age is an issue), and it's their culture too, which I am not a part of. it sucks and it hurts, but there's not much I can do about it unfortunately other than plod along for now.