Falling in love/lust with a Wayward...

[Praying4Peace]

If you can't disclose your craziest thoughts on an anonymous forum where else, right? So here goes...

 

After our last d-day we went NC for 2 weeks and then broke it for a week until we both had a chance to say goodbye (another thread).

 

Since then I've been a wreck bc I'm mid-divorce (will be final this month). Its so lonely. For a while before the last D-day I tried to see if I could reconcile with my H...but I firmly believe that men and women are kinda wired differently and there are certain aspects of my A that are dealbreakers for my H.

 

Anyways- during some of our shouting matches I asked H to go out and have an affair so I could 'fall in love' with him again. And I meant it. From what I've read (and seen in my MM's situation) marriages that have gotten stale due to taking the other for granted get revived when there's an A. This seems more common when the betrayed is the female and the cheating spouse is male.

 

I think there's a Helen Fischer article somewhere out there about jealousy/rejection feeling like love or something like that.

 

So- I wished my H would cheat. And do it repeatedly with many D-days until I was desperate to have him back. Hysterically Bonding. I don't even care if I was insecure about the reasons he'd throw the OW under the bus on Dday (which always happens bc men never leave). Even if he was staying for the kids, at least he was staying and I could try my best to win him back and I'd be happy that he just wanted me back regardless of the underlying reasons.

 

Bottom line? I feel like at least I'd have that feeling of being in love that seems to happen to all BW's.

 

Anyone else ever wish their H would cheat so they could go all jealous/possessive/nutty/in love?

 

Wow- I can't believe I'm acutally admitting this. I'm sure I'm going to get told off and that's fine too

[Athens]

You would have to love your husband madly, deeply and forever in order for that to work. We are successfully reconciling because I love him that much, we are not stronger because of his affair, but rather in spite of it. If I did not love him so much, I would have walked, no if ands or butts.....either you them or you do not....

[Praying4Peace]

I guess I'm confused bc exMM's wife did not love him before the A. How do I know this? He showed me the emails. They didn't even sleep in the same room for years. I saw evidence. But then after the A- boom- want what you can't have perhaps? Isn't that just human nature though we don't admit it?

 

I'm sorry if I'm triggering anyone.

 

My female cousin had a mostly EA for a year and a half and was all but ready to leave her H. But the MM didn't want more, he was the type with multiple OW's. Her H begged her on his knees. She was cold and just stayed bc she had nowhere else to be. She later found on that he had started an EA with a single acquaintance of hers towards the end of her A. She went ballistic and this man who 'her heart was dead towards" is now the focus of all her attention.

 

Is this not representative?

[SunshineToday]

My female cousin had a mostly EA for a year and a half and was all but ready to leave her H. But the MM didn't want more, he was the type with multiple OW's. Her H begged her on his knees. She was cold and just stayed bc she had nowhere else to be. She later found on that he had started an EA with a single acquaintance of hers towards the end of her A. She went ballistic and this man who 'her heart was dead towards" is now the focus of all her attention.

 

Is this not representative?

 

Yes! Most cheaters HATE to be cheated on by the very spouse they are betraying!

Can be a game changer.

[underwater2010]

Please stop wishing for the worst kind of pain. My guess is that you want to rid yourself of the guilt. Your husband cheating will not make the marriage better. What will help is you owning up to your own issues.

[MissBee]

If you can't disclose your craziest thoughts on an anonymous forum where else, right? So here goes...

 

After our last d-day we went NC for 2 weeks and then broke it for a week until we both had a chance to say goodbye (another thread).

 

Since then I've been a wreck bc I'm mid-divorce (will be final this month). Its so lonely. For a while before the last D-day I tried to see if I could reconcile with my H...but I firmly believe that men and women are kinda wired differently and there are certain aspects of my A that are dealbreakers for my H.

 

Anyways- during some of our shouting matches I asked H to go out and have an affair so I could 'fall in love' with him again. And I meant it. From what I've read (and seen in my MM's situation) marriages that have gotten stale due to taking the other for granted get revived when there's an A. This seems more common when the betrayed is the female and the cheating spouse is male.

 

I think there's a Helen Fischer article somewhere out there about jealousy/rejection feeling like love or something like that.

 

So- I wished my H would cheat. And do it repeatedly with many D-days until I was desperate to have him back. Hysterically Bonding. I don't even care if I was insecure about the reasons he'd throw the OW under the bus on Dday (which always happens bc men never leave). Even if he was staying for the kids, at least he was staying and I could try my best to win him back and I'd be happy that he just wanted me back regardless of the underlying reasons.

 

Bottom line? I feel like at least I'd have that feeling of being in love that seems to happen to all BW's.

 

Anyone else ever wish their H would cheat so they could go all jealous/possessive/nutty/in love?

 

Wow- I can't believe I'm acutally admitting this. I'm sure I'm going to get told off and that's fine too

 

Why not join a swingers' club?

 

It can potentially spark those same feelings but in a more controlled environment.

 

I am no totally opposed to the idea of opening up my M if after a while we feel as a couple we want to do that or that it would relight a dim spark. I would prefer that than either of us autonomously having an affair and then hoping we can "fall inlove" after. In the case of you asking him to have an affair...I guess it's not really an affair as you've given him your blessing lol. This could respark things for you but I think the traditional secret affair is way less pleasant and a VERY VERY risky way of attempting to fall inlove with your spouse again.

[JPMC]

i'm going to take a stab at this on praying4peace's side, and it's going to be highly unpopular. But here it goes.

 

You wanted him to have an affair, so that you would feel on equal playing field. There is also some weird psychology, that the threat/challenge of losing a partner makes them more attractive/sexy. They are less taken for granted.

 

I can understand what you are trying to say. It would give you a validation of being with him.

 

I get it.

[Decorative]

The problem is you are potentially hurting yet another person by inviting this.

 

The affair partner doesn't deserve to be used as a tool to spice up your marriage.

 

And I would respectfully suggest that if you wish for him to cheat to help you- then you don't have a grasp of how awful infidelity is for the betrayed spouse.

 

I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy. Seriously.

[carhill]

Bottom line? I feel like at least I'd have that feeling of being in love that seems to happen to all BW's.

 

Anyone else ever wish their H would cheat so they could go all jealous/possessive/nutty/in love?

 

I think this would be a great topic to discuss with a psychologist. Having had an affair and having spent a goodly amount of time in MC, I offer this advice. IMO, it can really help. There's probably a lot more going on than the surface marital 'stuff'. That's not uncommon.

 

It's possible a reverse affair could work, but I'd work the issue in IC or MC first. Good luck.

[thefooloftheyear]

the traditional secret affair is way less pleasant and a VERY VERY risky way of attempting to fall inlove with your spouse again.

 

Agree here....

 

I just seems like you(OP) are trying to unload that 500 lb Gorilla off your back. The name of that Gorilla is GUILT. I just think thats nuts, but who knows? I suppose everyone has their thing....

 

As for guilt...I get it...Boy do I ever...

 

TFY

[JPMC]

The way she sees it, is he's would be owed a free pass. She hurt him, but if he wants to avenge, it would ease her guilt. If someone else finds him attractive, it would validate their relationship. That's was what she was trying to say. And maybe she is turned on by that, so therefore, more intimacy.

[Praying4Peace]

The way she sees it, is he's would be owed a free pass. She hurt him, but if he wants to avenge, it would ease her guilt. If someone else finds him attractive, it would validate their relationship. That's was what she was trying to say. And maybe she is turned on by that, so therefore, more intimacy.

 

Let me explain what I meant.

 

Guilt: I didn't really think of it that way...to wish he would so I could take the guilt off my back but if I really think about it it probably was an unconscious reason. A better way to get rid of guilt would be to worship the ground he walked on and fix the relationship...I would much prefer to get rid of the guilt that way! Which brings me to the next topic...

 

Sex: I'm going to split a relationship into the sexual part and the intimacy/feelings part. I guess what I was looking for was a jumpstart in the sexual department. And from what I've read about Hysterical Bonding that's what happens when you cheat on a woman. She wants to claim her territory and have crazy good sex. Might not be intimate/lovemaking but sounds fine to me! Especially since it seems that's what a man NEEDS to make him feel secure. I know my H would have felt much better if I repeatedly had sex with him. Men are physical creatures and I know my H's love language is physical touch. Sadly, I was not attracted to him after this. I knew that he knew everything (almost) that I had done with ex-AP (unfortunately) and I after having such an intense emotional connection during sex with ex-AP I didn't feel like being 'marked as territory' by an angry H. Guys might like that sort of stuff but I wanted to dive under the bed. Lets just put it this way...my H said stuff like "You better give me the best blow job and swallow to prove I'm as attractive as him" (SORRY TMI!!!!!!!)

 

Cheating seems okay to women:

If a man emotional abuses you and calls you names over and over again a woman will eventually walk away and say screw you. Emotional abuse plain and simple.

 

If a man hits you or get physical with you most women would find that a dealbreaker. How dare you disrespect me like that!?

 

If a man neglects you and acts like you don't exist...you might have an EA or PA with someone else (if you're dumb like me) or you might leave him to find someone who treats you like you're worth. How dare you neglect me?!

 

If a man lies and goes out with the boys when he's supposed to be working or gambles away your life savings (financial infidelity) a woman will probably be pissed off about that too.

 

HOWEVER: If a man cheats on you. Has an EA and a PA with another woman. Tells her he loves her. Has 5 Ddays and still keeps lying to you and sneaking around. Never calls you during the day and neglects you for the AP. Trickle truth for a year. Emotional abuse, loss of respect and dignity....THEN a woman wants to hold on even tighter. Then it's "he did this but I LOVE him and I want to have sex with him all day!"

 

So you end up wanting your spouse REALLY BADLY (perhaps not emotionally though?).

 

What the previous poster said about the Free Pass. I figured if he has an A with someone either I get jealous and then have a husband I'm dying to please OR maybe I use it to call it quits (say I can't handle it) without guilt. Who knows what I was thinking.

 

To be honest- the thought of him with another doesn't make me jealous at all. I'd be happy for him. Though I guess it would make me feel less desirable and jealous a bit since I've always been the center of his universe. But not that crazy jealous feeling that you get when someone you love is with someone else. However....anything is possible.

 

Disclaimer- I didn't really want him to have an A. It was just a hypothetical. We are getting a D anyways. And swinging/open marriage is so far from my comfort zone it made me chuckle.

 

It kinda pisses me off that ex-MM can behave so badly and reap the rewards.

[Praying4Peace]

after reading here on LS and 'meeting' all these wonderful women, many of whom are Betrayed Wives, I can see how HURT they are and that their hurt is real and palpable through the words on the screen. You can't make that stuff up. I'm sorry if ANYTHING I wrote offended you. Its very hard to see the other side when you haven't been in those shoes.

[ViresSanctity]

My ex-AP/MW told me she wished her H had an affair. She would fully support him and be his cheerleader. I heard it on the phone.

[2sure]

I think I understand what you're saying, although surprised to hear it said.

 

I think you are referring to that " hysterical bonding " thing that can happen after DDay. The whole thing about claiming your territory, some jealousy, some not knowing what you had until....all that. All true too.

 

So, you were missing passion and thought maybe those things could bring it if your husband had an affair.

 

Maybe.

 

I'm fairly competitive, sexually uninhibited, wanted my husband back, and didn't think his having sex with someone else was a deal breaker right away.

 

I would have enjoyed some hysterical bonding. But I'm just a realist by nature.

None of it made me want him more. It just didn't work that way for me. In fact, I found him less attractive and more annoying.