Desperation

[macintosh1517]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I think that it should go here since it is about friends going into lovers and such. I apologize in advance for how long it is, but please tell me any opinions/suggestions you have.

 

 

So I'll just tell it from the beginning:

 

In my school district, the 6 elementary schools merge into 3 middle schools, and then into 1 high school. So in sixth grade I met this girl, who I'll call Rose for anonymity's sake. Now in sixth grade I, looking back, was actually a really mean person. And I met this girl Rose who I became 'frenemies' with ( we decided on that term then). At this time I had actually had a small crush on her best friend and didn't really think I'd ever have feelings for Rose. Well sixth grade came and went, as did half of 7th grade as Rose and I maintained our 'frenemy' status. The best friend that I had a small crush on turned out to be a b*tch and still to this day I don't talk to her. But everything with Rose changed during winter break. For some reason one night during winter break I had a dream about Rose. It was me in her holding hands, happily, in just a white abyss background. I don't know why I dreamed of that since I had never really thought of Rose like this before. From that time forward I couldn't get her off my mind. Then the first day back from winter break came and as she was getting onto the school bus I was just taken aback. I don't know if it was the first time I really noticed her or what, but I just can't even put it into words. The way her hair was fixed, and her smile, overall she took my breath away. I knew instantly that I wanted to be with her, but she is the nicest person on this Earth and me being as mean as I was probably had no chance with her. So I decided to change who I was and to this day I'm still proud of who I changed into. I became a much better, nicer, and compassionate person. So for the next few months I worked on being nicer to her and getting to know her. By April we were best friends, and secret lovers. At that time I had no idea if she 'liked' me. So I confided in a friend of ours... Big mistake... This friend than went and told her that I 'liked' her. (Afterwards he send me the AIM conversation he had with her) And, to my joy, she said that she liked me back. But before I knew that, he sent me an email telling me that she liked me, and I was just beside myself. I remember dancing around in my room joyously like a 2 year old. At the same time though, this friend sent Rose an email saying that I liked her. ( Again, i didn't know this at that time.) So we both knew that we liked each other, but we didn't know that we both knew. I don't remember perfectly what else happened but some other things played out and I think she gave me a note asking who I liked. And I stupidly said something along the lines of,'not you'.......................................

 

I still don't know why I said that. I think it was because i thought I wasn't ready to tell her, or that I didn't truly know if she liked me back, after all, that friend could have been lying. But most of all I wanted to play it safe and not loose my best friend. Unfortunately for me, I made the worst mistake I could've made. So school ended soon thereafter and our main forms of communication were by email and skype. In August I received an email from her saying that we shouldn't really be friends, there's no point in it, and it's not doing any good to us. I tried to skype her to fix it, but since I'm so shy, i couldn't say what I really wanted to say. She didn't talk to me for the next two weeks and those were the worst two weeks of my life. I wrote draft emails to her telling her that I loved being her friend, and really wanted to be more than friends. I only planned on sending them she was dead serious about never talking again. I was able to convince her that we should be friends again, probably from just annoying her about it, and about 2 months after eighth grade started, she was my best friend again.

 

The first week of November my cousin got married. I played music during the mass and attended the reception afterwards. The countless number of love songs and the aura of love in the air was to much for me and I knew I had to tell Rose how I really felt soon. She'd been asking for a month or so who I liked, so the Sunday after the wedding I told her on AIM that it was her. I don't remember exactly how she responded, but we agreed to talk about it more later. We only had one, very awkward, day of school that week and since we had a break Rose went on vacation. So the next Saturday we went for a walk and again being as shy as I am couldn't really bring myself to talk about it. We just talked about random stuff but right before our walk was over I asked her if she would 'go out' with me. She said yes.

 

I was ecstatic. Beyond ecstatic. I don't know the proper word to describe how happy i was. That was November 12, 2011. Now let's skip to June 8, 2012. 6 months and about 27 days later. 5 hugs. No handholding. No kisses. No dates. Not even our parents knew. It was basically a glorified friendship with a title. If there ever be an example of her shyness can be devastating, this is a great one. I pretty much blame myself because I was the most shy. I wasn't able to buy her anything for christmas/her birthday, etc, since our parents didn't know. I wrote her a card for each occasion and promised that soon everything would be better. It never was. We went on countless walks, where my main goal was to simply hold her hand. Not once was I able to. Our first hug was actually forced my another person who was near us who was shocked when we left and didn't hug. It's not that I didn't want to hug her or hold her hand. I wanted to show her that she did mean a lot to mean and that I really do like her, but I was to shy to ever do anything.

 

June 8th was the last dance of the 8th grade/middle school career and we both went. I was so shy that I didn't even talk to her, let alone dance with her. That night we mutually decided over AIM to end our friendship with a title and just be friends. In our effort to try to be friends we talked over AIM and she was telling me about this online blog thing she does called Piczo. She was showing me some people's things on it and made me promise that if I ever found hers, not to look at it. (You can't search for people on it, you need to know their URLs.) But as fate would have it, her picture was on the home screen spotlighting some achievement. My need to know how she felt about me and us overpowered my morals and I looked at it. I read her recent post about us and it made me cry. She basically went over everything I have here, but from her point of view. I learned that when I told her that it wasn't her I liked in seventh grade she went home, cut, scratched, and gagged herself until she threw up. I still hate myself for being the cause of this. All I ever wanted to do was help her, to be there for her. But all I ended up doing was hurting her. Then she went on with the story and did say though that even though it was only a friendship with a title, I was still really sweet. I couldn't compliment her in person, or anything because of being so shy. Everything was over the internet. A few occasions when she was talking about herself and how she looks, I told her that she really is the most beautiful girl in the world. I really meant it, in fact I still mean it. She told me that once we were in high school, and we met the 500 hundred other kids from the other middle schools that I would look back on us and think it was silly and find someone else. I told her I wouldn't, but there was always that voice in my head that told me I she was probably right. So that night, June 8th, I wrote her a letter just telling her how I felt and what not. I did so for over a month until the middle of July. By this point I never saw her since school was out and we hadn't talked at all online. She was basically out of my life and I thought that I was moving on. That all changed once High School came.

 

For the past 7 months of high school, not much has changed in our relationship. We have English together, and did talk. However after Winter Break I learned that it was her New Years Resolution not to talk to me (where I read this she didn't mention a name, but since she didn't respond to my 2 or 3 emails I sent her, i rightfully assumed it was me.) One day her friend told me that I was only creeping Rose out and making her mad. This was actually untrue, and Rose emailed me, apologizing for what her friend said. We exchanged a few emails but not much. She didn't respond to the last email I sent her so instead I wrote her a letter about how we have to talk and resolve everything because I can't keep going on like this. I don't know who she really feels about me. I rewrote the letter 8 times during the day, but walked right by her when I went to give it to her. I told myself that couldn't let this keep happening so I conjuring up all of my courage and went back to her locker to give it to her. I did so, said a few words, than I left to catch my bus. I told her not to email me since every time we decided something online, it was always awkward in person. I wanted to talk in person.She agreed about a month ago but we haven't talked since. She's not avoiding me or whatnot, we just haven't talked. I'm hoping to tomorrow.

 

I've tried to move on, but I can't. There were two girls who I thought I might like and try to have a relationship with. They were pretty, smart, etc. but the thing that they shared in common was that they weren't Rose. Since it's going on 2 years now of liking her and wanting to be with her, I don't think it's a silly crush anymore. Honestly I don't know what I feel, I just know that it's too much. When I walk by her in the hallway I hold my breath and bite my tongue. When I'm stuck walking behind her after English, I take the other stair well because being so close, yet so far away to just so painful. The one day we literally ran into each other around a corner and I said sorry, but no words came out. There was this sharp shock feeling, I can't describe it, that went through my body, and I had to breathe deeply for a few seconds while my locker supported me. We've made eye contact a few times, and each time the image of her green eyes are ingrained in my mind for the rest of the week. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. EVERYTHING reminds me of her. Hamburgers, she liked cows and refuses to heat beef. It seems like every time I listen to the radio a song/artist that she likes is on. Reminders of her are everywhere. I would give everything to have a chance to fix everything, to do it over. If she would allow me the chance to try again, I would take it in heartbeat. But I really don't know how she feels.

 

I just don't know what to do to. I want to be her friend again and eventually in time, I would love to be her boyfriend again. But for now I'll just settle on friends. I've gone over the conversation literally thousands of times in my mind on how I will say what I want to say to her, how she'll respond, and etc. But chances are once we get in person I'll just freeze like I did all last year. I don't want to talk over the internet. That's proved not to yield any good results. I could call her, but I think that might be just like online.

 

 

So what do you all thing I should do?

~Call, email, or talk in person?

~ If in person, where? School? Library? Walk?

~ Tell her that I still like her or just try to be friends first?

~ Tell her I read her Piczo ( I respect her too much not to, but I'm just not . sure if now is the right time)

~ How do I start the conversation? I've tried so hard to figure this out, but can't for the life of me.

 

If there are any other questions/comments/suggestions/ whatever please respond.

 

Thank you everyone. All help is greatly appreciated.

[LoverOfDance]

Please stop being so shy. Ask yourself this, if u actually went to "Rose" right now and told her to her face how much u like her, will the world come to end? The answer is NO. U two have established that u like eachother a long time ago. Why u're not together, I don't know. Try to force yourself to do things that u normally wouldn't want to do. Fight your natural instincts. Be bold.

 

U're really crazy about this girl. She means the world to u. I can tell. If u two could just allow yourselves express the love u have for eachother, u have no idea how amazing that would be. Stop holding back. Stop preventing yourself from being happy. Take a chance. Trust me, u won't regret it.

[macintosh1517]

I never thought about it that way. I guess things can't get much worse than they are, so telling her that probably won't hurt anything. I think my only worry is that if I tell her it could possibly ruin any chance of having a friendship. I really don't know how she feels me so I don't know how she would react to that.