AutumnWind Posted September 17, 2004 Share Posted September 17, 2004 I am in a very confusing situation. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for four years, the whole time we were in college (where we met), and we lived together for 2.5 years... We were extremely close, did everything together and had a great friendship as well as being "in love" with each other. We just "connect" on so many levels. But there was trouble and fighting off and on due to what I now see as my bad emotional response patterns (picked up from witnessing my parents' abusive relationship as a child). I was controlling, demanding, needed to be "reassured" I was loved all the time, and couldn't take criticism without crying or getting mad. It imposed on him a lot and made things hard but we stayed together because we still cared about each other very deeply. He was very patient with all my issues but I think it got to him over time... About 10 months ago, I had to leave the country due to visa issues and we were both in a strange mood at the time, stressed out, not sure what was going on. So we didn't talk about this, just sort of left it up in the air. But while I was abroad, I actually had a very meaningful and enlightening time, became much more independent and realized the importance of being a "whole" integral person and not emotionally dependent on someone else. I changed my negative behavior patterns, became more spiritual and positive and loving in my approach to life. I came to realize, too, how much I cared about my boyfriend and how supportive and great he had been even through the messed up emotional climate that I often created. I was very sorry for my past mistakes and looking forward very much to coming back and seeing him again and wanting to give it a new chance. So I've been back in the country for a month (we are going to grad school in different states). We were in touch the whole time I was gone and I know he still had feelings for me up to April (he would call me to ask what was up between us, but neither of us was sure and I wanted to wait till I got back before talking) but since the summer there's been a change in him and in our recent communication he has implied that he's over and "done" with the romantic side of our relationship and wants to be just friends because things could never work out between us (based on our old issues). I think the biggest reason is that he met a girl over the summer and got to like her (she lives in a different country though, where he only goes in the summers!) This has been a big test of my new positivity and I feel confused and "cut up" inside. I miss him so very much, and I think it's for the right reasons, not that I need someone to fill up a gap in my life but because I miss how well we "clicked", our common interests, our affection and genuine love that we feel/felt for each other. As for him, he is always friendly in response to my emails/calls (I never call or email unless he has responded to my previous ones, since I don't want to be "clingy" or seem pathetic and desperate). We email every other day or so and talk about once a week, but I know he's also in touch with this other girl at the same time. But there's more emotional distance and he seems reluctant to bring up any emotional issues at all. So now I'm wondering what to do, as I told him ("casually") that I'd like to come visit him over winter break and he responded really happily, said that would be great and we even set up the dates. I don't know how to interpret this - it could mean A) he's so over me that he doesn't even think it would be hard to see me again or B) he still has feelings for me and wants to see me (probably wishful thinking on my part) or C) he's ambivalent between me and this other girl and perhaps keeping his options open. I don't know what to do till then (or when I meet him)... In the meantime, I'm keeping myself busy, making new friends, and doing new activities, all of which help me to build a new life, but at the same time I feel terribly sad and full of regret and loss at the thought that my past behavior may have cost me the person I love most in the world and just when I felt I had truly changed and was ready to come back to the relationship in a healthy, loving way... Just not sure what to do now... Sorry this is so long!!! Anyone with thoughts on this or maybe similar experiences who could give me any advice, that would be greatly appreciated - I'm just having such a hard time right now... Link to post Share on other sites
sock83 Posted September 17, 2004 Share Posted September 17, 2004 it's so hard to be "just friends" i know im doing this at the moment, my advise would be just go there and expect nothing and if nothing happens on the last day lay your feelings on the table, tell him you would like to give it another go and start dating, start from scratch see what he sais, because you have to go forward in life with or without him and one way or the other let him see that he could loose you for good. i dont know really because im going through the same stuff. it would be good to get some advise from people who have been there done that. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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