Major Decision

[Daisy926]

I am at a crossroads. I have been unhappy in my marriage for some time. To give the quick version we have been together since I was 16 and married 4 years (I am 34 now). I do love him but at the same time I feel I have grown and the relationship hasn't. There were a lot of people against us getting together as I am ambitious and he isn't. I have been the provider. He is lazy at times.

 

Now I am feeling alone, bored and just scared that this is my life.... That in 5-10 years I will be struggling worse than I am now. I am not sure what I want anymore. We moved 1000 miles away and bought a house (in my name) I had a great job that is going down the tubes. There are a lot of things in life making me unhappy. Sometimes I am just curious where my life would be without him as I feel I put his needs above my own.

 

I now have an opportunity to move back home (with family) and go back to my old job. This is a significant increase in pay. Part of me feels this is a great opportunity to separate and see what it would be like, the other part feels selfish. I know I am not happy with the path I am on but I feel as does he if I leave it probably will be over.

 

I thought having options would be a good thing - now I feel more stressed than before. I am scared but at the same time excited. The sick thing is I know I would be ok on my own, I worry about him... My issue is I can't seem to love or put myself first it seems.

 

I may sound horrible but I feel I have built up a resentment - a husband who smokes weed, plays video games, is not being an adult. When I have tried to talk about things he pushed me away... now it's like making me feel guilty that if I go he will probably be alone as I won't want to come back.

 

Any advice or thoughts?? Thanks

[january2011]

Based on your OP, your reasons for staying include:

 

• you've been together since you were 16 and you are married
  
• you still love him
  
• you don't think he'll survive on his own
  
• you feel guilty
  

Your reasons for leaving include:

 

• you are unhappy
  
• you've outgrown the relationship
  
• he's not ambitious, but you are
  
• you are the provider and he lazy
  
• you feel alone, bored and scared that your life will remain like this for the next 5-10 or possibly get worse
  
• your once great job is now going down the tubes
  
• you want to find out what it would be like without him
  
• a new and better paid opportunity is available back home, where you can be closer to family
  
• you know you can survive on your own
  
• you resent him
  
• he smokes weed, plays video games and is not behaving like an adult
  
• he has refused to talk about this
  

The first list only outweighs the second one if you place more importance on each item in the first list. Otherwise, it's clear that you have more reasons for leaving than staying. And, in my opinion, only love and sunk costs are holding you back.

 

From experience, resentment and pity sound the death knell for romantic relationships. Perhaps you have already passed the point of no return. Only you can decide that. As a last resort, if you can afford it and are receptive to the idea, I recommend marriage counselling and individual therapy.

[NervisPervis]

I have been unhappy in my marriage for some time.

 

I'll speak for your husband. Please leave him. The greatest gift my wife could have given me at that point in our lives was to tell me she was leaving. It would have DEVISTATED me at the time, but we would both be happy now instead of 50 and miserable. It's too late for us. It's not for you. BOTH of you.

 

I don't care about you. You hold all of the cards. You do what you want. But he deserves to know where his life stands right now. Let him start a life with someone that can love him. You've been lying to him for "some time" now. Time to stop. Time to start honoring your marriage vows.

[Glowy sun]

Is there any reason he wouldn't be able to move with you? Perhaps this would be a good opportunity for him to make changes in his life, grow up and take on more responsibility. If he doesn't go with you, he's going to have do that anyway as he won't have you to take care of him anymore. Whatever you do, he's going to have do some stepping up because the status quo is making you miserable.

[Mr. Lucky]

I may sound horrible but I feel I have built up a resentment - a husband who smokes weed, plays video games, is not being an adult. When I have tried to talk about things he pushed me away... now it's like making me feel guilty that if I go he will probably be alone as I won't want to come back.

Unless you've left something out, he's a capable, able-bodied grown-up. In your absence, I doubt he'd starve to death. Once driven by hunger, he'll probably put down the joint and controller and do what's necessary to get something to eat.

To give the quick version we have been together since I was 16 and married 4 years (I am 34 now).

I can't help but wonder about the timeline. If only married 4 years ago, you were 30 and fourteen years into this relationship. Assuming he hasn't changed, why not these concerns when you wed? How do you marry someone you know you'll have to mother ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Daisy926]

I really don't know except to say it was the next step. I know I have issues, I just feel that I guess as I am getting older I am realizing things I was ok with before I am not now. Even my mother says - "you 2 are not meant for each other" She doesnt always say this but I just recently started telling her how I am feeling.

 

I am still torn 1 minute I am thinking I fell out of love, the next I am thinking I am not giving it a fair shot as part of me left mentally already. I am so confused torn and a mess. I worry I am only thinking of his feelings and not my own but I also worry I am not being clear or putting my foot down on what I want.

 

As for him coming with, we are both from there and he for sure doesn't want to move back. I am not sure - long term I don't think I want to live there forever but the thought of stable employement with my family and friends around to get out of debt feels like a weight lifted. When we moved here he went first and I followed a few months later so I don't think its the end of the world.

 

I am not sure I even want to think of it as a "separation" but maybe just some time apart - I go back and forth with this. He says once I go why would I want back as he has nothing to offer. It's that attitude I can't take. He is just happy to be alive as he puts it...I don't know I feel at times selfish and horrible and at others justified.

 

I really feel I am a mess right now and almost feel I am gonna have a nervous breakdown over this with the constant crying, the talking, the rationalizing etc. I really don't know how to cope. I went to 2 IC and both suggested I was over the relationship in a sense. not fully but need to figure out what I want. I made an appointment to go next week again.

 

Thanks for listening. I know I am doing more harm to him than good and that kills me.

[Glowy sun]

I really don't know except to say it was the next step. I know I have issues, I just feel that I guess as I am getting older I am realizing things I was ok with before I am not now. Even my mother says - "you 2 are not meant for each other" She doesnt always say this but I just recently started telling her how I am feeling.

 

I am still torn 1 minute I am thinking I fell out of love, the next I am thinking I am not giving it a fair shot as part of me left mentally already. I am so confused torn and a mess. I worry I am only thinking of his feelings and not my own but I also worry I am not being clear or putting my foot down on what I want.

 

As for him coming with, we are both from there and he for sure doesn't want to move back. I am not sure - long term I don't think I want to live there forever but the thought of stable employement with my family and friends around to get out of debt feels like a weight lifted. When we moved here he went first and I followed a few months later so I don't think its the end of the world.

 

I am not sure I even want to think of it as a "separation" but maybe just some time apart - I go back and forth with this. He says once I go why would I want back as he has nothing to offer. It's that attitude I can't take. He is just happy to be alive as he puts it...I don't know I feel at times selfish and horrible and at others justified.

 

I really feel I am a mess right now and almost feel I am gonna have a nervous breakdown over this with the constant crying, the talking, the rationalizing etc. I really don't know how to cope. I went to 2 IC and both suggested I was over the relationship in a sense. not fully but need to figure out what I want. I made an appointment to go next week again.

 

Thanks for listening. I know I am doing more harm to him than good and that kills me.

 

He is using his own lack of self esteem as a way to guilt you into staying. "I have nothing to offer, so of course you won't want to come back." If you are unhappy with your current situation why would you want to come back? He needs to recognize your feelings and needs. If he wants to smoke weed and play video games all day, fine, but he shouldn't be expecting you to take care of him and making you feel guilty for wanting more than that.

A separation a thousand miles apart is unlikely to bring you closer together. But he's not giving you any compelling reason to stay.

[Daisy926]

Thanks. I dont want to make it like that is ALL he does.. I think I just feel he has no ambition... Can't keep a steady real job, acts like still a teen.. YES he has tried to better himself and I admit I have not given my all... I tried talking for almost 2 years and he just ignored me, now he wants to deal with it.

 

I just feel I have to start thinking of what is best for me... I dont want to struggle financially my whole life, I cant be the one in charge always - sure some of that is my issues I need to deal with.

 

I think I need to just stop overthinking and take it as it comes... I am too worries about the future in a sense.. for now its just an interview

 

Thanks again everyone

[NervisPervis]

Watch how quickly he fixes himself once you leave him. That worked for me. Unfortunately, it was too late to save the marriage. Just like you guys.

[unsettled3]

Nervs just wonder why you think it is too late?

[NervisPervis]

Nervs just wonder why you think it is too late?

 

 

I have been unhappy in my marriage for some time.

 

I was 16 and married 4 years (I am 34 now). I do love him but at the same time I feel I have grown and the relationship hasn't. I have been the provider. He is lazy at times.

 

I feel I have built up a resentment - a husband who smokes weed, plays video games, is not being an adult. When I have tried to talk about things he pushed me away...

 

I'll ignore that she was too young when she got into this relationship, just like she ignored the "and I wondered what I have missed out on in life because of it" part of that thought.

 

I've been on these forums for well over three years now, when my marriage had troubles that I couldn't identify. I have seen literally hundreds of walk-away wives (although I hate that term, it's the best one we have so far for the syndrome). They all talk about falling out of love. Of finally working up the nerve to leave their (insert resentment causing behavior) husband. Some actually leave. Some decide it's easier to stay in a loveless, resentment filled marriage. VERY rarely do I hear "but we worked on it and the marriage is better than ever". Possibly never, actually. Sometimes you hear "we're working on it and it's a little better, and it'a a struggle, but..."

 

And look at HER resentments that I bolded up there. The first two are addictions that he will not work on fixing until she gives him the kick in the gut that my wife gave me (different actions, but resentment builders none-the-less). The third is something that he can't fix without a LOT of work. Work he won't put into it until he gets that kick.

 

I knew what my wife's resentments were, but I didn't fix them until I got that kick. Why should I? There were never any long lasting consequences to my actions (in my mind, anyhow). "fix it or I'm leaving" doesn't work. She doesn't leave? See above point about no consequences.

 

While trying to fix that unexplained disconnect between my wife and I three+ years ago, she finally said someting that crystalized everything. Picture a big jumble of puzzle pieces that make no sense, suddenly assembling themselves into that picture you've been trying to get to. It suddenly all made sense. She doesn't love me. Hadn't for some time. And from the research I'd already done, I realized she never would again.

 

And she hasn't. Instead, we're still together and miserable. Old, three teen kids in a family we don;t want to break up. It's over for us now. That's why I want her to leave him.

 

For HIM, not her.

[Daisy926]

Thanks Nervis,

 

I do love him. What I worry about is that I won't do what is best because right now (not always) it feels like a care taker kind of love. I may have made him sound worse than he is but it is not something I have ignored.

 

I have pleaded and begged to talk about it. Bitched and nagged if you will. Sure have I given him a BIG kick probably not. A few months back I mentioned a separation similar to this... He was devestated and started acting loving, etc. It lasted a few days.

 

Wouldn't this move be a reality check? I am not sure what else I can do? I cry when I think of him not in my life but it is almost because I feel I am in charge of our lives. Yes that is not healthy or good for either of us. I know I have co dependency issues and I know he is not to blame fully but how do you get out of an almost 20 year pattern without something big. I feel this is a start but yes can doom it as well. I am not sure what I want... What I do know is I do not want to hurt him so yes scared of leaving that is one of the major reasons I don't think I ever could.

 

Yes I know ultimately he would be better if we broke up - I am not perfect but I really feel a mess over this all... My feelings are in shambles. I feel guilty, sad, alone, scared, etc you name it.

[anna121]

Now I'm kind of pissed. You started the same thread 6 months ago, got all of the same advice I just gave you, and yet you are still here, asking the same question.

 

Sorry to say that you will be my wife in 15 years, when you're 50 and stuck with kids in a loveless, sexless miserable marriage. That's too bad. You even have a perfect exit available to you right now. But you'll waste it.

 

I am so disappointed. I actually thought I was going to help someone.

 

From Nov 2012 (It's so flippin' old I couldn't even quote it):

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Hi everyone,

 

I will try to make this short. I have been stressed lately trying to decide if I am truly happy.

 

I am 33 years old and have been married for 3 years. We have been together since I was 16 (with a few small breakups 10 + years ago)

 

I am starting to feel that what I was ok with when I was younger, I am not ok with now. My husband is a terrible communicator, we do not have much in common and I basically do everything.

 

If I look back it has always been like this I guess I was just too blinded to see. I think the idea that I had someone was enough. Friends and some family tried to question me about the situation but I wanted them to mind their business.

 

Don't get me wrong, he is not a terrible person by any means but I feel he is depressed and just lacks in a relationship. He has never really held a steady job and actually quit the last one 3 years ago. He says he looks (and he does a few side jobs) but basically he sits and plays video games for hours and hours on end. He doesn't always talk nice to me and sometimes I feel like roomates rather than husband and wife.

 

I know it sounds crazy that why would I stay in something like this. I am smart, educated and have a great job and I feel I take care of him. Part of my worry on ever breaking up is what would he do? I know this is unhealthy and I am starting therapy.

 

My decision right now is to work on me and get everything else in my life happy. This is all I know and I am very scared of change. I care for him deeply and he keeps asking what he can do... I just don't see the point as he won't go to therapy and honestly I do not see him changing.

 

I feel content together and sure we have some good times but am I really happy? Is there more or am I just looking for a fairy tale?

 

This is the hardest thing I ever had to admit. People ask what made you love him or happy in the first place or why did you get married? I have no answer just thats what happens when you are together for so long.

 

Thanks for any advice or just encouragement.

 

Thanks. Enlightening.

 

Daisy, you know the definition of insanity, right?

[Daisy926]

Nervis please don't give up on me! I really took to heart what you said... Yes I did this in the past but I did not have the opportunity I do now... It was new to me... Since my post yes I went back to ignoring the situation at first but had my first real serious convo with him about 2 months back... Also since the old post I started individual therapy... I don't feel I am a lost cause as now I am ready to take action - then I wasn't.

 

I really appreciate all you have said so I wanted to write back because of that.. This has not been easy but I finally feel ready to deal with it where in the past I just let it go.

 

Yes I know the meaning of insanity - trust me my head has been all over the place but I am just starting to realize now - I do not need to answer or fix the problem this second... I can work on it only if i am willing to. I am uncovering a lot of my issues as well.. It is a journey not an easy thing but now I am ready to work at it.

[Sunlight72]

Make a plan and execute it. It HAS TO involve letting him think he's lost you for good. And that means leaving him. And you tell him you will not even CONSIDER taking him back until he's sought help for his addictions:

 

+1 on this. I really strongly agree with Nervis that actions are now what are needed from both you and your husband.

 

I would say though, you shouldn't do this with the intention of changing your husband or teaching him a lesson - that still puts you in the position of mother/teacher, and what you want to become is one of two partners alongside your husband.

 

You should pursue building a better life for yourself. Best done by leaving. You should consider it a one-way trip for you, but from what you've written, don't file for divorce or really consider it yet.

 

Do your counseling at your new (old) home after you move, for yourself.

 

If, after you have moved, your husband impresses and woos you, and makes your life sweeter and more fulfilling than it is being on your own for 6 months or a year, seriously consider dating him again and see how that goes. If you don't see and feel all of that positive movement on his part, or if he blames you or is hateful or hurtful, just accept that he does not see you two as equal partners in a future relationship and file for divorce.

 

It's not an issue of who is right or wrong. It is an issue of interest, respect, and commitment. Each of you to yourselves, each of you to the other, and each of you to your mutual relationship. If your husband has a real interest, respect and commitment to your relationship, he will find a way to fondly re-enter your life. If he doesn't make that effort, his actions have spoken the truth.

 

Good luck to you,

Sunlight

[Daisy926]

Thanks Sunlight!

 

I really appreciate your message and it hit home.. A bit more advice if you don't mind. Before I go what should the conversation be like? He knows how I am feeling but its sort of just going on as it always has and honestly right now until I know about the job, etc. am happy with just letting it go for this minute... The talking and arguing isnt getting us anywhere right now.

 

I know people say tell him what you expect but honestly I feel as though he knows all of this. Sure I may have to make some things clear but I don't know where to begin.

[Daisy926]

Thanks Nervis and everyone male or female ,

 

One thing I will say since this all came about was it has opened the door to many conversations between hubby and I. We are getting a glimpse into what the other was/is feeling - it has helped. Sometimes I wonder if complacency is my issue. I know we both have our faults and good qualities and maybe we do need just a kick in the butt! Sure it is easy to talk about but we still need the actions at the same time.

 

I know this is a big decision but the more I think about it and we talk about it I feel it may even bring us closer. Sure it could rip us apart as well but I feel if we don't we won't know and can't go on how things are right now. I won't push him to go to counselling but he knows how I feel about it. It is also true that until the person says something you have no idea how bad it is. I don't want to be the walk away wife but I don't want to be the "do nothing but things will get better wife either" so instead of over thinking too far I need to just take it as it comes and work on the issues we do have.

[Daisy926]

That's one good thing, he does want to quit. And I must admit I do make it easier for him not to. I will say things like I don't technically have a problem with it, etc. I know that is not good, I do it with the video games as well.

 

I think one thing I have been doing is thinking I need to make life altering decisions RIGHT NOW when in reality maybe what is needed is 6 months or so just to clear heads, etc.

[Sunlight72]

Hi Daisy, and Pervis, I'm busy still, but will have time to chime in again soon. Hope I can lend some help.

 

By the way, for what it's worth I am a dude.

'til soon,

Sunlight

[GorillaTheater]

That's one good thing, he does want to quit. And I must admit I do make it easier for him not to. I will say things like I don't technically have a problem with it, etc. I know that is not good, I do it with the video games as well.

 

I think one thing I have been doing is thinking I need to make life altering decisions RIGHT NOW when in reality maybe what is needed is 6 months or so just to clear heads, etc.

 

To some extent at least, I think a person needs to "earn" their way out of a marriage. In this case, I think at an absolute minimum, you need to give him the truth, both about the things you have a problem with, and with what your tentative plan is.

[Daisy926]

Yes I agree and as I said these has made for some more communication. I think we both think right now this is a good idea. I am not sure how I feel 100% but I am learning it is ok I do not need to know it all this minute is all I mean. He is well aware. I think there are so many other issues causing problems (finances, job security, etc) that it is not best to make any harsh and fast decisions.

 

I always said that even if I wanted out I would do all I could prior to it happening, i.e. marriage counselling, etc.