broken heart :(

[ChazzB]

I am going through this very sad phase, I find relief in the words but somehow I am going through a loop of ups and downs, and I hate it, because truth is, I know what is right and I know what to do , but emotion is so hard to overcome.

 

 

I was in this relationship for 2 and a half years. She was great, the closest I have had to what you might call a soulmate. We had plans for a future together. But the relationship itself was soo chaotic. We fought a lot, there were trust issues from her side and everything started taking a turn for the worse.

 

 

We came to a point where she treated me poorly and started acknowledging that she preferred her friends over me and stuff like that. We parted ways and then she started with a lot of heavy lies. First she went to a trip to US (im mexican) and she left lying to me about it. During those days I had a nose injury due to basketball and tried to contact her, cause she told me she would always be there for me and i needed her in that moment. To no avail, she blocked my cell phone and social networks.

When she came back i went to see her and it was very harsh. She told me she was not going to be there for me anymore, that she didn't love me and all that. I left crushed.

 

 

Time went by and she called me a few times, she wanted to be "friends" but i wanted something more. She said she loved me but still she did not want to see me anymore, she said "I love you but i don't want to show it to you" and i was like "that is full bs". During this time she changed a lot. She went from being cool and laid back to a party animal. I don't know what exactly happened during those months but she always told me she had not meddled with anyone else, that those were only friends, that she still loved me.

 

 

Then she dropped it on me. She was leaving to US to "study". So things were not possible anymore. We said our goodbyes, shared a kiss and stuff. I asked her for her reasons, she only told me she liked the city (Charlotte).

Time passed by and she contacted me, and we went back to the vicious circle. I knew she was hiding something. All the pics she sent me were from the wc, i know she lived with someone else but she wouldnt tell me who, she wouldnt send me any pic of her room or tell me details about her life. And a lot of little things that said a lot. But she denied it all, she still told me she wanted to be with me, and that she loved me, that she was with no one else and that she did not want to. But when things started to get real, she would back off and say "we are better off alone".

 

 

 

For example, around her birthday i told her i wanted to travel there and spend the weekend with her and her friends. And she said "no, i will be busy", and i could not believe it. At what point does your love become that? That is not love!

 

 

It all ended up with a talk i had with her sister. She was my friend, i met my ex through her. We got separated and the friendship was over because of my exes insane jealousy, and other big problem we had (that caused her and the rest of her family to hate me). We "mended" things up and she dropped the bomb on me. Over the end of the year, she started dating HER SISTER'S ex, a guy 12 years older, divorced. He got sent to Charlotte from his job, and she went with him. He went to get her from her house. She left in bad terms with her family, told them from one day to the other. She lives with the guy. Imagine the feelings of betrayal I had. I feel so bad because SO MANY TIMES I gave her the chance to come clean, to tell me the truth. AND SHE DIDN'T. I think i will never get over the fact that she consciously lied to me, even though she know she would destroy me. I don't know what was she looking for by keeping in touch with me...

 

 

I got an skype phone from her city. Called her one day, late at night, and to my surprise THE ****ING DUDE ANSWERED. I argued with him a bit and when she took the call she just sighed, hung up and again blocked that number. I have no way to reach her outside of mail and plain sms (and i am not sure, those might be blocked too).

 

 

I went crazy after that and did things I know i shouldn't have. Needy, crappy ****. I threatened her, and the guy, and stuff (via messages). I got to talk with her for a minute a while after that and she just told me she did not want to hear from me again. She answered nothing and she blocked me again.

 

 

And here I am, heartbroken and betrayed. And still loving her, wanting her to come clean, to at least care and try... and I don't know what to do...

 

 

The main thought that breaks me down is, how could she do this to me? I could have gone without all the pain, if she were just honest... And it is starting to affect me in other areas of my life

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not quite sure what it is you want.

 

I know what you NEED - and that is to move on, and realise that this is over, done with, finished and ended.

 

It's a sad tale, and I'm sorry you had to go through such pain, but this is now well and truly dead in the water, and she is an ex.

 

I don't know when all of the above happened.

You say you went out for 2.5 years, but when did she move away, and you found out she was dating someone else?

 

Really though, it's not important.

 

You need to make sure there is absolutely no way on this earth or anywhere else for that matter, that she can contact you, check on you or get in touch with you - or any of the above, you with her.

 

Go No Contact and stay there.

Pronto.

Finito.

[ChazzB]

I want to be happy. It is sort of difficult because her sister is in the same business area as i am, and, though this is one of the largest cities in Mexico, there is still some contact because of that. A lot of her sister's friends are her friends. Hell, the dude works in the same company, and i just found that out recently! (forgot to mention that in my OP)

 

I find it hard to go NC myself because part of me does not want to be the same kind of person that she became. But however, the NC now is there because she blocked me in every way possible. Networks, IM messages, Phone. The only way to contact her that I have (and i'm not even sure) is by SMS or Mail. But I don't even try anymore, although at times I feel like. It pisses me off so bad that, even after what she's done, she has the nerve to do that.

 

You say you went out for 2.5 years, but when did she move away, and you found out she was dating someone else?

 

She moved away in January. I found out the rest of the details about 2 weeks ago. She got back in touch with me by february and we were talking since then until those 2 weeks ago.

 

The thing I hate is, I do my stuff, I distract myself, I exercise, I go out and try to have fun, but the thought is always at the back of my head, and I can't fully enjoy life right now. It is the first time I have been on the other side of a breakup, let alone the circumstances that happened. Does it go away?

Edited April 18, 2013 by ChazzB

[ChazzB]

Part of me just wants her to be honest. I can't deal with the fact of being lied for so long even though i asked the stuff face to face... I could have done with she being in love with someone else, or just wanting to do her life because she did not love me anymore. I even went into NC and I was doing great, until she called me again, and then I trusted her until everything just blew up...

 

I know I have to ignore her, I know there is no way I would ever be happy with her again, at least not until she came back completely transparent, which i know aint happening.

 

The part of how to deal with this and recover myself and fully letting go is where I am stuck. The thought of how could someone that was supposed to love me and had promised me to get old with me ended up like this.

 

And I do not fetch up the things about her intentionally. I originally wanted to mend things with the sister, because she works in the same place I do, and I have never been one to hold grudges. We went for coffee and then she told me how things had been.

[TaraMaiden]

........

The part of how to deal with this and recover myself and fully letting go is where I am stuck. The thought of how could someone that was supposed to love me and had promised me to get old with me ended up like this.

 

Time.

Give yourself time.

Holy crap, it's been no time at all.

 

Don't let anyone tell you, by the way, that 'time is a great healer' because that's a pile of crock.

Time doesn't heal, all it does is pass.

Sometimes, fast, sometimes slowly. But every minute is as long as any other.

 

The ones that take the longest are generally those first thing in the morning , and in the evening.

 

But in truth, every sixty seconds, is another one.

 

you have to string them together, and if that's what it takes - counting the minutes - then that's what it takes.

 

Because you're the one who has to heal. And only you can decide, how long that healing period, will be.

 

It's your choice.

 

What?

 

Choice - ?!?

 

Yes.

Choice.

At some point, you will have to choose for how long, exactly, you intend to wallow, dwell and re-live crap.

because at some point, it will hit you that you've had enough.

 

And it's up to you, to make it sooner, rather than later.

[ChazzB]

Thanks a lot Tara.

 

I am conscious of that. I try to make efforts, thinking exactly that

 

Stop. Don't dwell. It's not worth it.

 

But I fail miserably. I try to relax, breath, regroup, takes me a lot to get the knot off my chest.

 

I know time does not heal, that is why I am looking for advice, try to be proactive. I still don't think I should go seek professional advice, thinks are not so out of control yet. But I have not ruled that out.

[LumberJack]

you have to string them together, and if that's what it takes - counting the minutes - then that's what it takes.

 

Because you're the one who has to heal. And only you can decide, how long that healing period, will be.

 

Couldn't agree more!

 

She's out of the picture. Now you've got yourself to deal with, and that my friend is much more difficult than any external relationship.

 

Keep busy. Eat right. Exercise.

Build up your self esteem. I found this is best accomplished by challenging yourself with something new.

Get a new haircut. New wardrobe.

 

Time will do the rest. It happens whether you believe it or not.

 

The first heartbreak is extra-rough because it comes with the realization that all love is temporary. A far cry from what Walt Disney's been shoving down our throats. No reason to lose hope, or to stop striving for it. Just 'cause it's not happily-ever-after doesn't mean it's not worth it. It is. For the good times. You learn to enjoy them. Once you learn to enjoy the in-betweens you really got it made.

 

Seems hard to believe now, but I feel you got the better end of this deal. It may seem like you're as lowdown as you'll ever get, and that everyone feels sorry for you while she's out having a ball. Truth is - you're growing now. You'll learn to make yourself well, and to forgive. You'll be a much bigger person when all of this blows over. You win.

[ChazzB]

First of all, thanks guys.

 

I just finished reading the no contact guide that is in your signature Tara. There is one thing in there that gives me a lot of perspective, and it is the fact that "closure", as i idealize it, is just an illusion.

 

The real closure has come with every little detail, all the way up to the fact that she lied to me, she left me, she dated other guy with whom she left the country and she is living with him. Everything else that could come from her, won't bring any relief, won't heal me, won't make things easier and that will only come with time and with me taking care of myself.

 

I don't want to hear the truth from her anymore. With her actions, she has spoken. Now I can focus on moving forward.

 

The only thing i want is not to lose my ability to love. I know i made mistakes and i will try not to repeat them, but, in trying not to get played again, i might be overly careful and that would be a mistake too...

[maiden555]

We got separated and the friendship was over because of my exes insane jealousy, and other big problem we had (that caused her and the rest of her family to hate me).

 

I'm curious what happened here, maybe this added to the rift she was feeling towards you?

Edited April 21, 2013 by maiden555
my code didnt work

[ChazzB]

well, just to sum it up

 

my ex lost our baby about a month and a half of pregnancy... i never told her, but i always blamed her on this for not taking care of herself and not letting me take her to the doctor...

 

one of her sisters found out through a friend that worked on the lab that was running her tests, and then the family found out and it was pandemonium

 

i did not have any issue telling them, i mean i was gonna do things the right way (or what i consider it was the best way to do things by then). We did not let the family know because my ex didn't want to, she thought it would be worst for her.

 

 

I think this did affect. I mean i tried to talk to them but i started getting distanciated from that side of her life. I didn't go to her prom cause there were going to be issues because of this =( ... i keep thinking i should have gone and don't care about the rest but we chose that i'd rather not go... dunno, that was another sad season... still, we lasted over a year after that...

Edited April 22, 2013 by ChazzB