problems with my friend AAAARGH

[sparkle]

Hello everyone,

 

Isn't it weird that we can sit there and give other people advice, but then when I have my own problem, I can't even figure out what to do.

 

Well I'm baffled and would like to hear your opinions.

 

One of my best friends is a male, and we've been really good friends for over 4 long years. And over those years, he's always been there for me to talk to. He would listen to all my relationship problems and I'd tell him all about the guy I liked..or about some guy I met..or how my dates went...etc. We tell each other everything.

 

He's the only guy..the only good friend..that knows me very well and knows everything about me. A week ago, we got in an argument cause some guy was being a jerk to me and I didnt realize it, and he pointed it out. So we didn't talk for a week.

 

Well last night we had a veryyy long conversation. He told me he loved me, and that he's "in love" with me. He also went on about how much he's wanted me more and more over the past 4 years. And how he'd sit there listening to me talking about the loser guys in my life, and it's been torture for him.

 

He said that when he doesn't talk to me, it's torture. But when he talks to me and knows that I don't want him, it's even more torture. So he wants to do stop talking to me totally, he said that will be less painful.

 

I'm really hurt and I couldn't think straight all day. I ended up skipping all my classes. This is worse than any guy breaking up with me. It's my best friend breaking up with me.

 

I told him that I loved him, but I love him as a friend. He said the "as a friend" part is even more torture for him. I told him I needed him, that he's my best friend. And I asked him not to stop talking to me. He said he thinks it's the best thing to do.

 

I really do love this guy and he's a very goodlooking guy, but I'm just not attracted to him in that way. I've even tried to make myself like him! But it didn't work. For some reason, I'm just not attracted to him, and I don't want him as a boyfriend. I love him like a brother. So I even thought about going out with him just so he'd stay friends with me, but I realized I wasn't thinking straight, and that's a veryy wicked thing to do, to play with his emotions. I would never do that.

 

I even told him, I won't mention any guys to you..not any guy I like, not my relationships, nada! But he said that wouldn't be right, and that I just wouldn't be the same person if I was holding something back from him. And he didn't want me to do that at all.

 

So my question is, what would you do in this situation? Am I being selfish by wanting him to continue our friendship? Do I need to just let him cut me out of his life? What could I say to him?

 

H E L P !

[Anastasia]

I can relate to this one, partly. I've had a beautiful relationship with a friend for 5 years, 2 years ago we got closer as far as our friendship went, I was there for him when others weren't, he realised what a good friend and person I was. He told me that he fancied me and that we could have a great future together. Unfortunately for ME, I don't fancy him, feel nada for him sexually, I wish to god I did, my man troubles would be over. My situation was different in that he wasn't head over heals as this guy is for you, he just accepted that I didn't fancy him and we got on with being great friends again but we are now much much closer than ever, we often just sleep together (I mean in the same bed, nothing more), it feels wonderful to be able to hug and be close to someone. We have great respect for each other. Your situation is a bit more tricky.

 

I feel your anguish at possibly losing such a good friend, that's a tragedy. Why didn't he tell you much sooner how he felt?? He's let this build up within him for so long that it's gotten to the point of love me or I'm out of your life. That's not exactly fair on you. I really feel you have to let him do what is best for him at the moment, give him space and time, he'll eventually accept that you cannot give him something which is not within you. All you can offer him is your friendship, hopefully he'll realise that your friendship is worth more than his inability to accept that you don't feel as he does.

 

Good luck! Now go read my post and help me! It's "Need some objectivity, Please"

[Nic]

Maybe if you give him a bit of time on his own to deal with these feelings, they won't have to get in the way of the frienship. if he feels not seeing you or talking to you would be the best thing for him at the moment, then maybe it is.

 

he seems pretty torn - if he's with you or around you, he only wants you more, but he can't have that. maybe time on his own for a while, with the opportunity to meet other people that he might feel a romantic attraction to, will save this friendship. once he's dealt with this strong attraction, maybe you can pick up the frienship where you left off.

 

he sounds like too good a friend to lose, and neither of you would want that. i suppose it's like a break up in a way - i would like to have a great frienship with you, but i will never get over these feelings for you if i am constantly around you.

 

you're not being selfish wanting to continue the friendship at all. but considering the feelings he has for you have progressed to a different level, he will sort them out better on his own. you don't have to cut him out of your life. just give him a bit of temporary space. maybe in this time he will meet someone who he feels deeply for, and the friendship will be so much easier on him. there is a great bond between the two of you and you don't have to lose it. he needs time to deal with it, but it's too special to put the frienship behind you.

 

give him some space, and things will work out in due course for the two of you.

 

Hello everyone, Isn't it weird that we can sit there and give other people advice, but then when I have my own problem, I can't even figure out what to do. Well I'm baffled and would like to hear your opinions. One of my best friends is a male, and we've been really good friends for over 4 long years. And over those years, he's always been there for me to talk to. He would listen to all my relationship problems and I'd tell him all about the guy I liked..or about some guy I met..or how my dates went...etc. We tell each other everything. He's the only guy..the only good friend..that knows me very well and knows everything about me. A week ago, we got in an argument cause some guy was being a jerk to me and I didnt realize it, and he pointed it out. So we didn't talk for a week. Well last night we had a veryyy long conversation. He told me he loved me, and that he's "in love" with me. He also went on about how much he's wanted me more and more over the past 4 years. And how he'd sit there listening to me talking about the loser guys in my life, and it's been torture for him. He said that when he doesn't talk to me, it's torture. But when he talks to me and knows that I don't want him, it's even more torture. So he wants to do stop talking to me totally, he said that will be less painful. I'm really hurt and I couldn't think straight all day. I ended up skipping all my classes. This is worse than any guy breaking up with me. It's my best friend breaking up with me. I told him that I loved him, but I love him as a friend. He said the "as a friend" part is even more torture for him. I told him I needed him, that he's my best friend. And I asked him not to stop talking to me. He said he thinks it's the best thing to do. I really do love this guy and he's a very goodlooking guy, but I'm just not attracted to him in that way. I've even tried to make myself like him! But it didn't work. For some reason, I'm just not attracted to him, and I don't want him as a boyfriend. I love him like a brother. So I even thought about going out with him just so he'd stay friends with me, but I realized I wasn't thinking straight, and that's a veryy wicked thing to do, to play with his emotions. I would never do that. I even told him, I won't mention any guys to you..not any guy I like, not my relationships, nada! But he said that wouldn't be right, and that I just wouldn't be the same person if I was holding something back from him. And he didn't want me to do that at all. So my question is, what would you do in this situation? Am I being selfish by wanting him to continue our friendship? Do I need to just let him cut me out of his life? What could I say to him? H E L P !

[Deejette]

I don't think it is being very kind of him to force the issue like this: "Love me or don't talk with me again." But since he is such a nice guy otherwise and means so much to you, you can see this as his hurt and his desire to fulfill what he wants.

 

He is just going about it in the wrong way.

 

Tell him how much he means to you, maybe send him a card expressing to him that you do not want to lose him. Then let it go for a while. He may come to his senses and see that he was being too demanding and that he misses your friendship.

Maybe if you give him a bit of time on his own to deal with these feelings, they won't have to get in the way of the frienship. if he feels not seeing you or talking to you would be the best thing for him at the moment, then maybe it is. he seems pretty torn - if he's with you or around you, he only wants you more, but he can't have that. maybe time on his own for a while, with the opportunity to meet other people that he might feel a romantic attraction to, will save this friendship. once he's dealt with this strong attraction, maybe you can pick up the frienship where you left off. he sounds like too good a friend to lose, and neither of you would want that. i suppose it's like a break up in a way - i would like to have a great frienship with you, but i will never get over these feelings for you if i am constantly around you. you're not being selfish wanting to continue the friendship at all. but considering the feelings he has for you have progressed to a different level, he will sort them out better on his own. you don't have to cut him out of your life. just give him a bit of temporary space. maybe in this time he will meet someone who he feels deeply for, and the friendship will be so much easier on him. there is a great bond between the two of you and you don't have to lose it. he needs time to deal with it, but it's too special to put the frienship behind you. give him some space, and things will work out in due course for the two of you.

[Rogue]

A few weeks ago Sparkle,I posted here looking for advice on a similar problem,only the roles were reversed.I was the guy in love with a female friend (who has a boyfriend).I wanted to tell her how I felt ,that I loved her..but was advised not to because of I had to respect their relationship.(So I kept my mouth shut). I can tell you exactly what your friend is feeling right now,and what he's thinking.

 

You want to know what's going through his head? He's thinking:

 

"I can't take this SH#@@ any more!!!!!!".

 

It IS torture what he's going through.The sight of you,and the knowledge you're not in love with him is a feeling that downright SUCKS.He's eaten his heart out day after day for four years.He's tried to be supportive,he's tried to be positive about it.He's kept his mouth shut, listened patiently while you messed around with jerk after jerk, putting on a smile to cover his pain. It's not easy to go through what he went through..I know.

 

He told you how he felt because he couldn't stand the whole situation anymore .He'd gotten to the point where the friendship didn't matter,because the friendship had gotten too painful for him.You had a friendship on your part.You got someone to talk to,someone who cared about you.He got a daily dosage of heartbreak.That was his share of the "friendship".

 

This isn't your fault, Sparkle. He shouldn't have wasted 4 years of his life waiting around for you. He should've ended the friendship much sooner,it would've been better of for him in the long run. He should have never let himself be used as a surrogate boyfriend (which,you might find this hard to believe,he was). Whenever you needed compassion or understanding he was there for you,like a boyfriend. When you needed excitement,you went out with the jerks,while he was providing the emotional support. He did this for so long that you thought of him as a "brother" and not as a man.He is a man,however,not your brother. But it's hard to see that right now,isn't it?

 

There is very little friendship left to save. You can still be his friend,but he cannot be a friend to you,and he knows it.He cannot go into "friendship mode" anymore,it's gotten way past that. He will always be concerned for you,and always care for you,but you will never have the connection you once had.He will never be your best friend ever again.(Not if he's smart anyways.)You have two choices left to you:

 

Love him or lose him.

 

Do a lot of soul-searching before deciding which to choose.

[sparkle]

Rogue,

 

Your email helped a GREAT DEAL. I realize now what he's thinking, and what's going through his head.

You want to know what's going through his head? He's thinking: "I can't take this SH#@@ any more!!!!!!".

You're right. This is the EXACT same thing he said to me!

long run. He should have never let himself be used as a surrogate boyfriend (which,you might find this hard to believe,he was). Whenever you needed compassion or understanding he was there for you,like a boyfriend. When you needed excitement,you went out with the jerks,while he was providing

I agree with you here too. He said this so himself. And

 

I feel awful now that I realize I'm guilty of doing this. He was there for me when the losers in my life weren't. And I'd turn to him when I needed him.

and not as a man.He is a man,however,not your brother. But it's hard to see that right now,isn't it?

I guess I don't think of him as a total brother. I saw him as a best friend..in the same way I see my female friends.

 

But I guess it's the same thing. Yeah I shouldn't have done that. Over the years, we'd lay around, hug, cuddle, he'd kiss me and I'd kiss him back but it would just be a friendly kiss. An "I love you too even though I'm not in love with you". I hug and kiss my female friends too (no im not a lesbian or bi heheh) so I guess I was stupid for believing it was the same thing. A "you're my friend, i like you" kiss.

anyways.)You have two choices left to you: Love him or lose him. Do a lot of soul-searching before deciding which to choose.

I guess I'll have to think long and hard about this one.

 

Thank you veryyy much. Now let me take a break to go bang my head against the wall.

[Ed]

Hi Sparkle,

 

I have been in a similar situation before, on both sides. It can be so hard to deal with. His feelings are HIS FEELINGS. He can not change the way he feels about you, only what he does with those feelings.

 

You have done the right thing by being honest with yourself and him about where you are in the relationship. Let him deal with it the best way he knows how. He has been emotionally investing in this relationship with the hopes that something more would develop from it. This does not mean that it wasn't a true friendship. It just means that he

 

had hopes for a return that he now sees will probably not be realized. He is suffering from a loss of hope and, to him, it is a form of rejection. He will probably have to separate himself from you in order to deal with it. Unless or until he can let go of those hopes, the closeness you have shared will cease. He just can’t be around you on a regular basis AND be interested in someone else. As far as that goes, under the same circumstances, I don't know if I could either. I do not think that he was insincere with the friendship. It's just that things were happening for one but not the other.

 

What bothers me about this whole subject is that it leaves all of us wondering about the true motives of opposite sex “friends”. Do people start these relationships knowing ahead of time that they want more than friendship or do they grow into love over time? I guess it probably happens both ways. Nevertheless, my hope is that anyone in this predicament, will recognize what is happening and get it out in the open, early on, before one or the other gets too emotionally tied up. Doing so could possibly avoid the kind of thing that happened with you, while leaving the possibility of a lasting friendship open.

[sparkle]

Hello Ed,

 

Thanks, I guess only time will tell. I'll continue to be there for him. I can't really change anything now, so I'm just going to accept that fact, and let him do what he feels is best.

 

heheh this would make for an interesting discussion post:

What bothers me about this whole subject is that it leaves all of us wondering about the true motives of opposite sex "friends". Do people start these relationships knowing ahead of time that they want more than friendship or do they grow into love over time? I guess it probably happens both ways.

 

[MyCoolNickName]

Hehe, your situation sounds frighteningly familiar, as I've recently been in one. I would be the 'guy' in your situation. I went through a million and one feelings and emotions, but in the end, for me at least, it was a maturity issue. In the beginning was the "love me or leave me." But, I realized how unfair I was being... I mean, you can't have everything in life, but you can at least love and appreciate the things you DO HAVE. So basically, as hard as it was to do, I put my feelings on the back burner, and made as my primary goal the development and maintenance of the friendship.

 

As far as the guys in her life, I can kind of feel something in the back of my heart whenever something is mentioned, but I'm basically over it. If she's happy, then I'm happy (well, as long as the guy imho isn't a complete jerk).

 

In the end, I think it's all about maturity. If you lose your friend now, don't ever think about it as final.

 

Just keep on loving your friend. =p

 

If you have more questions or concerns, feel free to e-mail me: <e-mail address removed>. Since I've been in this situation for a while now, I've got a million and one thoughts on it. =P

[Dragonflys]

Hi Sparkle

 

I have to say, I agree with Rogue totally, because I know what this is like. I was broken up with (3 months ago) with a woman that I totally adored. She thinks like me, acts like me, feels many things like I do. However what she needs in a man more than anything else I could not provide, and she could not even explain exactly what it was.

 

We had been friends for exactly one year until one month ago. During this time we saw each other 3-4 times a week, we had a great time together, we learned much about each other. But the brief romantic liason we had early in the year was always declining, while our friendship growed, growed to the point of being one of the best I have made. It was very painful, I would be left night after night feeling so empty (like someone had sucked out my stomach), and certain other parts of my anatomy would hurt even. Thats what this is like. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

 

I only stayed in the friendship because I hoped I could grow love through it, but sometimes, possibly most of the time, this is not possible (maybe I am naive).

 

About two months ago she started arranging to meet other men. At first I coped, but then I remember one week when she arranged something one weekend, then during the week she received a phone call while I was at her place. The following weekend I had other plans, but I did not know what she was doing, when I called her later my hands were shaking from fearing who she had seen. It was then I decided I could cope no more. I arranged to meet her and told her that we should go our separate ways because of the pain I was feeling. We are both heartbroken (I know it) but I still feel it was the only way for me.

 

See I know that when she meets that man, her relationship with me will take a huge backward step. I can't handle waiting by the clock for that to happen. What I had to do was get away, if anything to force myself to meet other women and get on with my life.

 

So please understand. His actions are in no way disrespectful. He is saving himself from heartbreak.

 

Oliver

[sparkle]

Hello Oliver,

 

Thank you very much, I see what you and Rogue are saying.

 

I'm not upset at him in the least bit. I guess I'm mad at

 

myself for hurting him. Why can't I just make myself like him? How could I cause my best friend such pain? I guess

 

I can only stand by whatever he chooses will bring him

 

the least heartache.

 

Again, thank you.

[Nic]

that is so true oliver. i miss my ex so, so much. we too are very alike in so many ways and the emptiness really is so overwhelming at times. i feel like i've lost a part of myself, but i know that if we were to be friends, i would just be putting myself through so much pain. i know i will not get over him if i see him all the time. i will always love him, but i cannot see him, especially now that he has started to see other people. when he told me this, my heart sank and i wanted to burst into tears. but it was that moment that i knew i had to put my best efforts into moving on. i am nowhere near ready to start seeing other people yet, it just doesn't feel right for me at the moment. but i know that i will be ready someday, and maybe when i can have that connection with someone else like i had with my ex, only then will i be truly at ease around him. but until then, i know i've made the right decision. even though it so painful, i know i would only be in more pain if i was around him because i know i can't just automatically adjust from lovers to friends without wanting and needing him every time i'm around him. it would be torture and i can't do that to myself no matter how much i love him.

 

forcing yourself to break away can be the hardest thing to do, but you're right - you're saving yourself from heartbreak and you're moving on.

Hi Sparkle I have to say, I agree with Rogue totally, because I know what this is like. I was broken up with (3 months ago) with a woman that I totally adored. She thinks like me, acts like me, feels many things like I do. However what she needs in a man more than anything else I could not provide, and she could not even explain exactly what it was. We had been friends for exactly one year until one month ago. During this time we saw each other 3-4 times a week, we had a great time together, we learned much about each other. But the brief romantic liason we had early in the year was always declining, while our friendship growed, growed to the point of being one of the best I have made. It was very painful, I would be left night after night feeling so empty (like someone had sucked out my stomach), and certain other parts of my anatomy would hurt even. Thats what this is like. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I only stayed in the friendship because I hoped I could grow love through it, but sometimes, possibly most of the time, this is not possible (maybe I am naive). About two months ago she started arranging to meet other men. At first I coped, but then I remember one week when she arranged something one weekend, then during the week she received a phone call while I was at her place. The following weekend I had other plans, but I did not know what she was doing, when I called her later my hands were shaking from fearing who she had seen. It was then I decided I could cope no more. I arranged to meet her and told her that we should go our separate ways because of the pain I was feeling. We are both heartbroken (I know it) but I still feel it was the only way for me. See I know that when she meets that man, her relationship with me will take a huge backward step. I can't handle waiting by the clock for that to happen. What I had to do was get away, if anything to force myself to meet other women and get on with my life. So please understand. His actions are in no way disrespectful. He is saving himself from heartbreak. Oliver

[Anastasia]

Hey Sparkle,

 

You're a cracker! Banging your head will only damage the wall! Stop it :-))

 

You weren't to know, he is responsible for his own feelings not YOU. He had a choice to tell you much sooner but he choose not to. His decision. To a large degree he created his own torture, he has to acknowledge and accept responsibility for that.

 

Thanks for your response to my dilemma, much appreciated.

 

Cheers