22 Years Old And In A Major Predicament...i Need Help!!!

[angelkiss2403]

I am very new to this site. I am only 22 years old and so this is probably going to be an upsetting note. I am really having a rough time with somthing in my life right now. I met this very very wonderful man one night. He was absolutely perfect to me and everything I was (and am) looking for in someone. Well, we got to know each other very well in the next few weeks to the point where we had this AMAZING connection. Of course, I kept thinking to myself..."something just HAS to be wrong with this guy!" Soon enough, I find out that he is married BUT seperated. So, OK, I think to myself...they do not live together, he and I spend everyday together, we get along perfectly, etc.

 

Time goes on with he and I...and then we move in together. Now its been about 5 months and EVERYDAY we are together. I keep thinking to myself that the divorce should be going through. After all, though technically still married, they had seperated after only 4 months of being married. So, I know that they do not get along and he even ALWAYS tells me how every time they talk, they can't keep from fighting. Here comes the tough part...

 

So, "my guy" cannot live with me anymore b/c my landlord is wanting rent money from him and he cannot pay it b/c he has quit his job. So, I see that lately he feels he has to "be nice and get along" with his seperated wife. She is moving about 40 minutes from where we're at for her job. BTW...she does NOT know about me! So, the time comes where he says that he HAS to go b/c he has no choice. He says that he cannot stay with me b/c he cant pay and he basically has to go with her. We talk all the time about it...and we talk about how perfect we are for each other and he always explains how he wants to be with me and that I MAKE HIM HAPPY.

 

So what I dont understand is...why would he go? I understand why he has right now until I move out. I only have ONE WEEK LEFT in my lease though. So shouldn't he come back then when I move into my new place??? When I ask him about this...he always says that he doesnt know what to do right now. That he has to wait until the time is right to be able to get out. BASICALLY, he has to wait until they FIGHT for him to be able to leave.

 

I keep driving up there to see him...I keep calling him and texting him and only expecting a text back WHEN SHES NOT AROUND. You all know what i mean basically. The ONLY thing is...this is finally a man that is exactly what I've always looked for...we are perfect together and it makes me sick. I cry at night b/c i've gone out with other guys to try to move on and they all just don't compare to how well he and I got along. Never once a fight between us and never once did we get sick of each other. He is SO PERFECT FOR ME I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN IT.

 

I talked to him tonight and told him that I need to know something and that i will NOT wait around if he wants to be with her. I want him to be happy and if that means with her, then fine. JUST LET ME KNOW. But, he doesn't. All he will tell me is that he needs for me to wait a little bit longer. He's been moved 2 weeks now...i know its not long but i am a strong person and i NEED to know for me that either he's coming to be with me...or leaving her.

 

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME! I'VE NEVER GOTTEN INTO ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE AND I REALLY AM A GOOD PERSON AND DO NOT WANT TO RUIN SOMEONES LIFE. I JUST KNOW THEY ARE NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER...NEITHER ONE OF THEM ARE HAPPY WITH THE OTHER...SO WHAT DO I DO?????

[greenlove]

I'm 22 yearr old femal myself and truthfully I'm thinking ....

 

This man is not worth the trouble. He's MARRIED. You're 22 years old...You have plenty of fish to still play with. I know you truly care for him , but if he's moved out of your place and won't give you an ultimatum that's probably your sign to move on.

[Karlise13]

why is it this guy isn't working? I don't understand.

 

You don't just 'quit a job' without lining up another one first.

 

How old is this man? I didn't see his age in your post. I'm assuming he's AT LEAST in his twenties. How is that a young healthy man can't work at something to help pay the bills?

 

So he goes back to his wife because....what, she pays his bills or something?

 

I don't understand this. I don't get how he's 'perfect' for you because he

 

(a) Can't even be responsible financially

 

(b) Is acting totally flaky on you, giving you a bunch of sh**

 

 

Now you are saying you 'know' he and his wife are not 'right' for each other. How do you know that?

 

This is a hard, sad truth but many many married men tell their mistresses a whole lot of lies about the wives.

Many times, the wives have no clue what's up. In fact, the man may still be sleeping with his wife and telling her he loves her.

Many times he ends things with the mistress and then tells the wife, "Baby, she meant nothing to me. It was just a piece of ass"

 

I'm about 16 years older than you, hon, and I have seen it many many times.

 

This guy does not sound like a prize and I am sorry. I would cut my losses and leave this dude immediately.

 

I know you think you love him, but this sounds more like it's based on fantasy than truth.

[guest]

You are so young, forget him and try to find someone else, hopefully someone who has a job. Good luck. :-)

[Merin]

Angel, Listen this guy is lying to you and he has been lying to his wife.

 

Just because he was seperated from his wife doesn't mean number one that it was a legal seperation and number two doesn't mean he EVER intended to divorce her.

 

I know that it's easy to see his wife as this awful person who didn't/doesn't make him happy or understand him ect. HOWEVER there are 3 sides to every story, HIS side, HER side and what ACTUALLY happened.

 

IF this guy was really unhappy and his wife and he intended to get divorced then her knowing about you wouldn't be an issue and he wouldn't be living with her right now regardless of his employment issues... not only that how sad is he that he would go back to her so that she could support his butt? C'mon for real, that isn't right.

 

I know it's hard on you and it's unfortunate that this guy lied to you and really used you... but obviously he is the kind of person who's okay with doing that to people... look at what he is now doing to his wife.

 

Stop all contact with this guy today.

[MMBastard]

Of course, I'm gonna tell you something different than Merin and Karlise. Give the guy an ultimatum!!!!! Give him a week till you move to your next place.....and don't budge. If he fails.....screw him. And tell him to get his *ss a job, and pay for YO rent (just kiddin' now). Darn it.

[Butchey]

The ONLY thing is...this is finally a man that is exactly what I've always looked for...we are perfect together and it makes me sick.

 

 

 

So you've been looking for a married man with no job. Set your sites a little higher because you are not going to make it with him. He may seem perfect but that is because you have never seen perfect. Wait and you will know what love is when you see it.

[Merin]

Originally posted by MMBastard

Of course, I'm gonna tell you something different than Merin and Karlise. Give the guy an ultimatum!!!!! Give him a week till you move to your next place.....and don't budge. If he fails.....screw him. And tell him to get his *ss a job, and pay for YO rent (just kiddin' now). Darn it.

 

 

Give him an ultimatum? What?! Hell nah, give him a kick in the A** YO!

 

Seriously MM, this guy lived OFF this young woman (for real not a real honorable guy even if he WASN'T married) then says he HAS to move back in with wifey because why? Because he is to damn lazy to get a job so now he wants the wife to support him! Again, even if this guy WASN'T married, he is still a jerk for using people like that.

 

Then he tells this girl to put her life on hold and wait on him... wait on him to do what? Jeez, he has no shame in letting his wife support him right? So what exactly should Angel be waiting for?

 

This guy sounds like a real "gem" and you know what even if he was single and he told her he needed to move in with some other person that could support his lazy butt because he doesn't want to be an adult, I would still say loose him and find someone with more pride and back bone.

[MMBastard]

Merin, I know, I know....but he'll flake on the ultimatum anyway......but then she'll at least be able to remove all doubts she's done her all....right now she's having all those doubts.....this'll give her a clear picture......it's in or out buddy......

[Karlise13]

I hear what you're saying MMBastard....but he's not WORTH 'doing her all'.

 

He's already given her plenty of information;

 

He's lazy

Unmotivated

and a liar

 

Why should she expend more energy into this guy?

 

The only message she'll send by 'giving her all' is...."Hey, even though you lied and sh** on me, I'm gonna give it another change because hell...I love you so much it's OK to sh** on me a few times. I'll accept and allow it,"

 

NO!

 

Who was it who said, "We teach people how to treat us?"

 

By accepting this behavior, you are setting yourself up for more of the same.

 

people like this DO NOT change unless they experience a profound new insight, and this doesn't generally take place until they have PERMANENTLY LOST something very dear to them.

 

Please listen to what people are telling you

[MMBastard]

No, I'm not telling her to set her up for anything.......she said she's got a week left on her lease...and wants him there with her (no matter how wrong we may think it is).

 

Now, rewind to how you felt (or feel) when you were in her shoes. How helpful were: Dump his ass, he's a loser comments........ No matter how many times we all repeat that, her heart will tell her differently......... And she probably knows that even without us telling her that. In all honesty – she won't make up her mind until she's done at least one more thing.

 

I'm saying this (although the dude sounds like a major *sswipe - something like me - right Karlise? ), she's gonna be hurting in a week anyways but she will also constantly be wandering "If I maybe told him I'd be waiting for another week....maybe he'd...". At least this way he'll dissapoint her fully but she'll have no doubts.......look at what I did to ssssss. I got a job though yo (I'm just playin' now). Good luck Angel.

[angelkiss2403]

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Alright....well first, i would like to thank each person that wrote and responded to my problem. I am still talking to "him" but it is just because I would like to maintain a friendship. If that ends up being impossible, so be it. I would still like to try. We have gone through a lot together to just not be friends. Also, like you all knew, he is still there with her. We do see each other every so often, and yes i do have some feelings still, but then i think about the fact that he is going home to her while i go home alone. So...yeah...pretty much in the midst of walking away...slowly but surely. It still hurts pretty bad in my heart, but i know that i am just an idiot for even staying with this as long as i did. The only thing now is...I just feel so completely alone. Once, he moved out and left, all I feel is alone and a bit sad. I'll be ok...and again, thank you all...

[sara1974]

I was 22 when I met my boyfriend (aka separated mm) and we have been together about 2 years and we have a apt. together. He has told me plenty of times that they will file but still to this day they havn't. I know since they have kids the process does take a lil bit longer and I know that he has no intentions of ever getting back with her but i honestly am getting a lil impatient! And even if money was the issue I know places u can get divorced for $200.00. Our lease is up in Dec. and if he doesn't at least file the divorce there is no way in hell im renewing that lease with him. Sorry to see your goin thorugh the same thing as me. Good Luck

[angelkiss2403]

[font=arial][/font][color=violet][/color]

 

Yeah...kinda gets to the point where you really just have to realize things, huh? Ya know, going through all this, I finally know what people mean when they talk about never getting involved with that kind of situation. Once I get all finished with this, I can guarantee the world that I will never do it again. A good friend of mine just told me that she has met this "perfect guy" and then, of course, tells me that he is still married. The only thing i could tell her was to get out, before she gets stuck. Nope, shes still with him. I know I say all this, but yeah, even I do love the guy. Being second choice to another woman, is never what a lady wants. I've never felt second choice and trust me, i do now, and it is HORRIBLE.

 

Oh yeah, and the latest is...when i tell him that I need to move on with my life bc he isnt making a decision...he tells me..."See, now how could i be with you if you change your feelings so fast." Guilt City. What do u think about that???? Now all this is doing is making me mad and upset with myself. Anyways...you/I can do better! Remember that!

[crowdreamer]

Okay, I have 11 years on you, I've gone to counseling for this stuff, and I'll tell you why you're so confused.

 

The reason you guys are so "perfect" for each other and never fight, is because he isn't really "with" you. He may have spent time with you, but you were basically an escape hatch from the problems of his marriage. When people enter affairs, they are seeing the best of each other and avoiding all the intimacy that goes along with really being with each other full-time. It works like this--he fights with his wife, then he goes to you and sees all the things he's not getting in his marriage. But he's still getting SOMETHING out of his marriage otherwise he wouldn't still be with her.

 

It takes at least 6 months of being in a relationship with someone, not a partial relationship but *full time* with a full commitment, to really get to the deep stuff. That's when the blinders of "love" come off and you see the other person for who they really are. That's when you decide either, "Hey, this person is worth working with despite their faults," or "Hey, this person is beyond hope." If you are only seeing his best side, because he's only giving his worst side to his wife, then of course you will think it's the perfect relationship.

 

Let him go and let him decide to either leave her for good or stay. It's the only way you'll ever find out what he's really made of.

[angelkiss2403]

Thanks Crow...

 

The one problem i am having right now with that is that i'm not really sure HOW to just stop. I mean, when I try to just ignore his calls and texts, he gets really worried and leaves these messages where he sounds really scared that something has happened to me. Then, I end up calling to say I'm alright, which then leads to us talking for awhile. So the thing is...how do i let go??? I'm trying real hard right now but I'm just not sure how to do it. HELP!!!

[crowdreamer]

The only thing I can tell you is to cut off all ties with him altogether. It was the only thing that worked with me and my MM. I told him I didn't want him to call any more, and when he did, I wouldn't talk to him for long, just said, "This isn't part of our agreement is it?" It was the only way, at least until I was able to get over him, at which point my head came out of the clouds and I could see him for all his faults and who he truly was. It is not easy, I'm telling you, it is very sad, like any break-up, and you should do whatever you can to take care of yourself--i.e. cry on a friend's shoulder (other than MM of course), seek counseling, eat a half-gallon of ice cream. I'm sure you know the routine.

[angelkiss2403]

Did you ever give him an ultimatum though? Did you ever tell him that either he needed to leave her and be with you or did you just decide to walk away? I know what you mean by stopping all contact...does that apply even we are best friends? B/c regardless of the relationship part, he is one of my best friends and I am one of his. I know that right now, I am pretty much all he has besides her. That is going to be soooo hard to do...especially with the fact that he is one of the only people i really can talk to. AHHHHHHHH this is no no no fun!!!!

[crowdreamer]

...I don't remember exactly how I said it, but I do know that I told him I was not okay with this wishy-washy b.s. about "maybe I'll divorce her, maybe I won't". There was an extra complicating factor in my case because I was married too, but once I made up my mind to leave, I was gone. Period. There was no looking back. I got an apartment and that was it. But for him it was different, he wanted to keep giving his marriage a try. So I said I could not take this waiting game any more and I was cutting off contact. When I said that, he said, "Well what if I move out of the house and move in with you today?" It was a shock, but I declined, telling him I did not wanting us moving right in together. I didn't tell him why but I knew that if he moved right in he would not be motivated to do the difficult work of actually going through with the divorce. It would just be more stalling. Plus, I don't think he would really have gone through with the separation even.

[crowdreamer]

Yes, you do need to stop all contact. ESPECIALLY since you are such good friends. Otherwise he will use you for emotional support while he stays in his marriage. Cutting off contact will give him extra incentive to decide to do what's in his best interest--leave the marriage. He may not MEAN to use you, but unconsciously that's what he's doing by allowing you to meet his needs for friendship while she meets his needs in other ways. Plus, it will be painful at first but in the long run, you'll be glad you made the break when you are no longer waiting by the phone.

[angelkiss2403]

Originally posted by crowdreamer

Yes, you do need to stop all contact. ESPECIALLY since you are such good friends. Otherwise he will use you for emotional support while he stays in his marriage. Cutting off contact will give him extra incentive to decide to do what's in his best interest--leave the marriage. He may not MEAN to use you, but unconsciously that's what he's doing by allowing you to meet his needs for friendship while she meets his needs in other ways. Plus, it will be painful at first but in the long run, you'll be glad you made the break when you are no longer waiting by the phone.

 

Thank you crow...that is the part i have been worried about the most. The fact that we are so close, in friendship terms. I guess I should have known that we wouldn't be able to stay friends and that it would be too hard. You're right though...it just can't happen. Him using me for emotional support is NOT what I need right now. ITS TIME TO CUT ALL MY LOSSES. So sad saying goodbye to a good friend with wonderful memories...its those d*mn memories, ya know!! Thank you again...I can do this