Cheated on by fiance but did I overreact?

[Amomentofsilent]

When I found out that my fiance cheated on me for two whole months, I started throwing some of his stuff and broke some items; even his laptop and cups (anything I came in handy with). Worst news ever for me. I guess I overreacted and wasn't myself at that moment but at least I didn't threw stuff at him (but think I was close to). He is going out of his way apologizing but I'm so pissed off and depressed.

 

Why would the man that proposed to me last year and claimed to love me cheat?

 

I'm between still having some feeling for him and really hating him and what he did. This can't be a mistake. I hate him. I hate him.

 

Needless to say I don't regret the property damange I may have caused. This is nothing compare to what he did. He threw away our whole history as well as our upcoming wedding and future.

[Amomentofsilent]

This has my life and it was the first time getting proposed at the late age of 28. Now, I feel everything was a lie. Right now I've been ignoring his phone calls and apologetic messages. I hate him.

 

Though not sure if this I overreacted? Did I? Anything would be helpful. I hardly ever get mad and definitely not this enraged ever in my life. I can't really think straight at all and feel like I'm going to go out of my mind. All because of him. What if I had never found out? Would he still be cheating? The more I think about this, the more I'm hating him now.

Edited April 19, 2013 by Amomentofsilent

[Amomentofsilent]

Will I ever get over this?????? Everything I go to sleep, I just keep wishing it was just a dream but it isn't.

[ChessPieceFace]

Be glad you found out before you married him, and move on.

[salparadise]

I agree, definitely best that you found out now rather than after the wedding. Your are going through an emotionally trying time right now. This wipes out your hopes and dreams, not to mention erasing what you thought existed currently. Try and accept that your feelings are normal and expected. Acceptance of the reality, and your feelings is the direction to point yourself in. If you can have your cognitive mind observe and comfort your emotional mind as it deals with the trauma it may help. In other words, realize that you are not the feelings, you are having the feelings, and they will pass in time. As crazy as it sounds, you will go through the grieving process because you've suffered a significant loss. Accept that it will take some time. Talking about it helps. Get with friends you can talk to, the ones who will stick with you as you work through it. Avoiding the feeling will prolong the process, so give yourself time and permission.

Edited April 19, 2013 by salparadise

[troubadour]

Will I ever get over this??????

 

Yes, you will get over this! And no, you didn't overreact.

 

As hard as it may sound right now you should consider yourself to be very lucky that you have found it out before you actually married him. Time to move on.... you will find someone better than him.

Edited April 19, 2013 by troubadour

[youngnlove89]

When I found out that my fiance cheated on me for two whole months, I started throwing some of his stuff and broke some items; even his laptop and cups (anything I came in handy with). Worst news ever for me. I guess I overreacted and wasn't myself at that moment but at least I didn't threw stuff at him (but think I was close to). He is going out of his way apologizing but I'm so pissed off and depressed.

 

Why would the man that proposed to me last year and claimed to love me cheat?

 

I'm between still having some feeling for him and really hating him and what he did. This can't be a mistake. I hate him. I hate him.

 

Needless to say I don't regret the property damange I may have caused. This is nothing compare to what he did. He threw away our whole history as well as our upcoming wedding and future.

 

It's not okay but it's okay too. If that makes sense. One guy cheated on me once, we lived together, were building a house together , planning on getting married and naming our future kids. He cheated on me with a married woman and I had suspicions, but never wanted to believe it.

 

When it was confirmed, I went crazy. I screamed at him and pushed him against a wall as if a bull were heading towards him. I hated him. I screamed "why?!" I was enraged. He had just ruined everything I worked so hard for.

 

It was an awful experience. An all time low for me. I stalked him, stalked her, called him, begged for him back etc. I was miserable. Changed everything for me.

 

You will go through a lot of emotions, so buckle up. But stay strong. Don't do what I did. Don't make a fool of yourself. Stand up, brush yourself off and walk out like a lady with class.

[Amomentofsilent]

Thank guys. I will definitely not marry him, let alone be his friend. I want nothing to do with him. He ruined everything. I returned him the ring yesterday and told it how it was tainted now.

 

He has been trying to ask me back again, keeps swearing he won't cheat again. I don't care. I haven't told his parents nor mine what he did. I'm not planning to but they know we will not be getting back again.

 

Regarding friends, I don't have too many friends. All I got is my parents, my younger brother, female cousin and two best friends. It takes me a long while to trust someone to the point of allowing him/her in my life and sharing my secrets with them. I don't feel comfortable sharing my personal life with everyone, esp if they are not very close to me.

 

I'm not going to tell on him but I want him out of my life. What I feel for him is all gone and instead of love it has now turned into contempt.

[BrownBarbie]

I say forgive him. Think of the reasons why you want to marry him not of why you dont want to marry him. there only one reason why you dont want to marry him. He made a mistake. He made a mistake by getting caught.

 

Now consider why you want(Ed) to marry him. I bet there are lots.

 

Sometimes sex is just sex. Relax.

Edited April 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Conformance with guidelines

[Amomentofsilent]

I say forgive him. Think of the reasons why you want to marry him not of why you dont want to marry him. there only one reason why you dont want to marry him. He made a mistake. He made a mistake by getting caught.

 

Now consider why you want(Ed) to marry him. I bet there are lots.

 

Sometimes sex is just sex. Relax.

Cheating has always been a deal-breaker to me and he knew I wasn't the type of woman to take back a cheater. I may not have many friends and it might take longer for another man to propose to me again but one thing I refuse is be with someone who not only completed disrepected me but had absolutely no regards for my heatlh. What if could have been infected (afterall protection doesn't always work)?

 

I already made up my mind and I refuse to be another woman that takes back a cheating man. I don't want him in my life. I can't even see him the same again. I see nothing but an illusion of what I thought was the right man, but never was.

 

I didn't deserve this at all. Seems like your advice is to just give up and settle for what I have, even if it's a liar and cheater who clearly was probably never going to stop cheating but only did so after getting caught.

Edited April 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Amomentofsilent]

Why I don't want to marry him?

His cheating killed everything I felt for him. As of now it's as if he was dead.

 

I can't see him in the same manner nor feel it anymore. Interesting how you can really love someone, only for them to throw away the whole relationship. What he did is the same as if he told me ''I don't care about you, your feeling nor the whole relationship and will continue doing so if we get married''.

 

Why should I put up with that? If this means being single for a while so what. I don't think I even care anymore. In fact, I think it's better being single than staying with a cheater just because of limited options.

 

No, BrownBarbie I don't think I can forgive him at all. Right now I don't even want to see his face.

[BrownBarbie]

Why I don't want to marry him?

His cheating killed everything I felt for him. As of now it's as if he was dead.

 

I can't see him in the same manner nor feel it anymore. Interesting how you can really love someone, only for them to throw away the whole relationship. What he did is the same as if he told me ''I don't care about you, your feeling nor the whole relationship and will continue doing so if we get married''.

 

Why should I put up with that? If this means being single for a while so what. I don't think I even care anymore. In fact, I think it's better being single than staying with a cheater just because of limited options.

 

No, BrownBarbie I don't think I can forgive him at all. Right now I don't even want to see his face.

 

I hope this feeling passes for you my dear. If you really loved him you couldn't hate him so quickly it's unrealistic and just not practical. I would buy it if you said you are so hurt you hope this feeling passes etc.... But to be so definitive in you decision and feels it bazaar! Feeling of real love don't change overnight.

 

You can just throw everything away bc you found out. That's society talking to you. Think about loving someone no matter what. You didn't and don't love him no matter what. What he did was unfair to you but is it really about him or you?

 

STD I understand but you trusted him enough to sleep with him before. You should trust that he protected himself when he cheated and would not put himself (or you in danger). He's the man you said yes to. He's the man that cheated on you. He's the same man.

 

I guess you didn't know who you wanted to marry. Surprise! Feel better. Think about it.

[Toddbt12y1]

One-thing to love a person. Another thing to tolerate any violation of a relationship. He cheated. She can love and hate him all together as she likes.

 

Cheating brings on many powerful, and confusing emotions.

 

 

Love doesn't mean being a doormat to affairs.

[Amomentofsilent]

Think about loving someone no matter what. You didn't and don't love him no matter what. What he did was unfair to you but is it really about him or you?

There are limits too. What if cheating just happens to be the one killer for me I can't tolerate nor forgive? What if it's true that finding out he cheated is all that took for me to change my feelings towards him?

 

STD I understand but you trusted him enough to sleep with him before. You should trust that he protected himself when he cheated and would not put himself (or you in danger). He's the man you said yes to. He's the man that cheated on you. He's the same man.

I thought he was the one but he isn't. I don't trust him at all.

[Toddbt12y1]

I'd go as far to say he didn't even love her; to cheat on her. Didn't respect her.

 

He's a loser. And is an idiot...a problem for the world.

[Amomentofsilent]

Love doesn't mean being a doormat to affairs.

My point exactly. Even if he was the only man, I'd rather be alone than allow him to treat me poorly.

 

I've been ignoring his phone calls. If he is so remorseful, then he should have thought about this before sleeping with the OW. In addition, this wasn't a ONS drunken scenario but a whole 2 month old affair. My mind is filled with disgusted images of him and the OW and all the sweet words he must have told her while they were at it.

[anna121]

Um, clearly her trust was misplaced. It would be profoundly stupid to simply "trust" that he took precautions when he had those encounters.

 

Yes, he IS the same man. That is, you know, THE PROBLEM.

 

And there is nothing "bazaar" about it.

 

Snerk.

[BrownBarbie]

There are limits too. What if cheating just happens to be the one killer for me I can't tolerate nor forgive? What if it's true that finding out he cheated is all that took for me to change my feelings towards him?

 

I thought he was the one but he isn't. I don't trust him at all.

 

I suppose some people must have limits to keep sane or whatever limits do. This thread is not about me but from your responses this sounds like your limit. I can respect that.

 

I still say forgive him. It will make you feel better. I'm sure he never meant to hurt you and you know that.

[KatZee]

You did not over react OP. There are millions of people on this earth who have morals and who wouldn't so blatantly disrespect you by screwing someone else after getting engaged to you.

 

I've been cheated on to, and I'm not so naive to think I'll never have a boyfriend again, and you shouldn't think you'll never be proposed to again. Of course you will be.

 

This guy did you a favor honestly. I'm sure if you dig deep and look back, there were red flags with him anyway. He wasn't and isn't the guy you're meant to marry. So thank God you found out before the marriage was officially cemented.

 

Cheating is an absolute deal breaker to me. I would never just "forgive and move on" if I was ever cheated on again. I gave my cheater a second chance and it was the worst mistake I ever made, and I regret it 110%. If I could go back and dump him right there on the spot, I would.

[KatZee]

I still say forgive him. It will make you feel better. I'm sure he never meant to hurt you and you know that.

 

No, actually it doesn't make you feel better. Giving a cheater, someone who disrespects you, treats the relationship like it's a joke, treats you like garbage, and who is already out sticking his dick in someone else BEFORE even being officially married is nothing but scum.

 

Of course he never meant to "hurt her." He wasn't thinking about her at all. A cheater's head is often shoved so far up their own a.ss they can't see beyond their own selfish desires/wants/needs. They don't give a crap about anyone but themselves.

[BrownBarbie]

My point exactly. Even if he was the only man, I'd rather be alone than allow him to treat me poorly.

 

Seriously? Treated you poorly? You're being dramatic. He was good to you. Those were probably the best two months of your relationship with him.

[Amomentofsilent]

I'm sure he never meant to hurt you and you know that.

Ok, this can't be real.

 

If he didn't mean to hurt me then he would have communicated with me or at the very least dump me instead of cheating.

[BrownBarbie]

No, actually it doesn't make you feel better. Giving a cheater, someone who disrespects you, treats the relationship like it's a joke, treats you like garbage, and who is already out sticking his dick in someone else BEFORE even being officially married is nothing but scum.

 

Of course he never meant to "hurt her." He wasn't thinking about her at all. A cheater's head is often shoved so far up their own a.ss they can't see beyond their own selfish desires/wants/needs. They don't give a crap about anyone but themselves.

 

Is marriage only about being faithful to another person. Does this one factor supersede everything else?

It's apparent he had other desires wants and needs you are totally right. I still think he loved her.

 

Say if he told her he wanted sex else where would that have been okay? Or most people resist temptation by all means necessary?

[KatZee]

Is marriage only about being faithful to another person. Does this one factor supersede everything else?

It's apparent he had other desires wants and needs you are totally right. I still think he loved her.

 

Say if he told her he wanted sex else where would that have been okay? Or most people resist temptation by all means necessary?

 

People shouldn't get married if they feel they cannot be monogamous. Period. A marriage is between TWO people. Not two people, and whatever extras they find on the side.

 

If in the marriage the monogamous couple decides AS A COUPLE to make their marriage an open one, and try swinging, that's fine. That's a mutual and respectful decision and one they both agree on.

 

No one, male or female should take it upon themselves to become a liar, and a cheater, risking their partners physical health and risking their family lives which may contain kids by roaming outside the marriage.

 

A person should know themselves. Are they capable of being with one person long term? Then give a marriage a go. If a person can say with complete honesty that they'd never be able to remain faithful to one person, THEN DON'T GET MARRIED! Plain and simple!

[BrownBarbie]

Ok, this can't be real.

 

If he didn't mean to hurt me then he would have communicated with me or at the very least dump me instead of cheating.

 

That's not how it works! People have desires. I'm sure if he expressed them to you you would have not said yes sure honey go ahead sex her soooo he had to sneak. There are things that one woman can't give a man. That doesn't mean he loves you less. Just means he had to get it else where. I doubt he wants that other woman or even if that other woman wants him.

Not one man or one woman can give the other everything they want. Some people deny themselves to keep the peace in the relationship bc of jealousy, infidelity and all those other words society uses. We are animals. The super ego is real. Some of us are just stronger than others and fight that id.

 

His actions were instinctual. They were natural. Sex is a natural act. I would worry if he went out and fell in love.