What if you're BOTH doing no contact?

[Notorious]

Let's say you have a mutual breakup because you can't seem to get along with the other person, but you still both love each other. A lot. What if the both of you are doing no contact?

 

I'm going through this right now. I do want her back, I love her with all my heart. I think shes doing NC to get me to chase after her, but I won't do that. I'm doing it to try to get a grip on myself. I won't grovel. That never works.

 

What the hell should I do? Very confused.

[Tony]

"What the hell should I do?"

 

If the two of you don't get along, it's rather irrational to want to get back together with her. My suggestion is to continue not contacting her and seek out someone to whom you are attracted, have much in common, and who has no serious problems that would preclude the two of you from getting along. The purpose of dating is to determine if a person is right for you. Love's only one of many components of that equation.

 

And while we're on the subject, it's impossible to truly love somebody you don't get along with. There may be some serious chemistry there but not love. Love is having admiration for another person based on mutual respect. You may need to learn more about love and how to differentiate it from what you feel for this pack of trouble you want back. People take aspirin for headaches and they get away from people from whom they get them.

 

You'll be just fine. Do not contact this lady ever again....unless you're looking for an argument.

 

If you fail to heed this advice and you find yourself back in trouble again, you may want to consider counselling to find out why you seek a relationship with someone who is obviously not right for you.

[AlisonR1980]

I am doing No-contact too for 10 days, but I sent a quick e-mail and a card that should arrive on Wednesday of that week. It has been really tough on me. Does NC mean no e-mail? That could be a good way of talking -- as long as the e-mails aren't like 10 pages in length -- to just let the other person know that you care for them. I think you need to determine a length of time for the NC, and just see how things are going. She probably does want you to chase after her.

 

I am curious about the arguing. It is good to have some differences in opinion, but when you are fighting all the time that gets really old. I hope that this is the case, and that you are both just opinionated, interesting people instead of people who don't get along.

[Notorious]

I hear what you're saying, and I thank you for the advice, but I disagree.

 

Love in itself is irrational. The way you talk about dating, you make it sound like a job interview.

 

People can love each other and have problems with communication. People can work on things.

 

The reason we don't get along sometimes is that she is clingy, and I had been single for a long time, and I'm used to being independent.

 

Her husband left her for another woman some years ago, and I guess she thinks I'll do the same thing.

 

I might also add that I've known her since we were 16 (34 now) and have always been friends. We had a brief fling years ago, but we were both sort of involved at the time and it did not go anywhere.

[Tony]

Well, Notorius, I have to admit you are in a much better position to make a decision concerning this relationship than I am. Go with your gut. That's the ONLY way you will feel right about this.

 

For me, if I had known somebody as long as you have known this gal and you're still playing games like this, I just don't see it as a keeper. However, there are many people who just don't feel alive unless they are amid drama. That's perfectly OK. You have provided enough information in your second post to indicate you should approach her and ask her to go to counsellling with you. Somewhere along the line things got screwed up. The only way you're going to get this relationship back online and headed for permanency is with the assistance of a professional third party. I want you to be happy. Go for it!

 

And , by the way, dating....if done for the purpose of finding a life partner....is somewhat of a job interview. The only difference is you can very easily fall in love and hire the very wrong person as a result. If people were able to fall in love after they had selected the most compatible person for themselves, there would be far less divorce and a lot more marrieds headed for full retirement benefits.

[Notorious]

Thanks Tony, I appreciate your concern and your advice.

 

I have alreay begun to see a therapist, as I think I have an aversion to commitment.

 

I understand where you are coming from as regards to dating, but...this is not some strange woman I have just met. I have known her and cared about her for years.

 

You may be right, she may not be the one for me, and I may be not the one for her, but it's...it's just not easy to let it go.

 

Thanks buddy.

[netrie]

Originally posted by Notorious

Thanks Tony, I appreciate your concern and your advice.

 

I have alreay begun to see a therapist, as I think I have an aversion to commitment.

 

I understand where you are coming from as regards to dating, but...this is not some strange woman I have just met. I have known her and cared about her for years.

 

You may be right, she may not be the one for me, and I may be not the one for her, but it's...it's just not easy to let it go.

 

Thanks buddy.

 

 

If you love her, and like her -- stop worrying so much about marriage and all of the serious things so much. Try to enjoy life. It is short.

[JamieP]

Tony has some good advice. I've been in your shoes and all I can say is that if you have problems right now with communication and getting along - it's not going to improve. Sometimes two people just don't blend well together.

 

Me and my ex had similiar personalities - which at first he seemed to think was just the greatest thing in the world. He'd found a self sufficient and independent woman who could hold her own.

 

But then once we got serious - he didn't like all that and wanted me to be Suzy Homemaker and cater to his needs and do whatever he asked. That only made me rebel and want to get away from him. The more he told me what to do the more we fought and the further I ran.

 

We tried counseling and having heart to heart talks but we just couldn't make it work. Sometimes people are like this - no matter how much your care or how much you love them - the darn relationship just doesn't work.

 

You can choose to either stay in the drama hoping things will change (which rarely happens) or get out and find someone more compatible. Some people are too scared to be alone and chance finding someone else so they keep the chaos and drama of the familiar relationship going until it just blows up and disentigrates.

 

Wanna waste time arguing and hoping she'll change or move on and find someone more suitable for you?

[gobain]

You know, I don't think the basic question here was answered.

 

What DO you do if you're both practicing No Contact???

 

I would really like to know. If you're both attempting NC then isn't there some sort of stand-off going on? And who gives in?

 

I have this image of two people really wanting to talk and work things out or get closure or something but not wanting to be perceived as weak or needy - and both are being just too damn stubborn to call the other.

 

I understand the theory behind NC and agree that it works if you're trying to move on. But there are other situations I read about that NC is being tried to acheive different results. I mean, there's pride and then there's hubris, you know?

 

I'm interested - does anyone have any ideas, theories, or opinions??

[Weird]

I was going to ask this question in the second chances thread last week. Nice to see someone else is wondering about it as well.

 

My ex and I went a long time (I am talking a year here) of doing this. I look back and jsut shake my head at it. Both of us are stubborn. Eventually I contacted her and told her if she wants to talk to me she welcome to. After 4 months she finally caled me and we got together for a talk and then started to chat every day again until about a week ago. May be back to square one. Oh well. I'm not going to contact her to see what's up. I've taken enough initiative with that woman.