How can I get my wife back?

[WalkTheEarth]

Brief back-story: I'm 45, married to wife Jess, 38 for 7 years, 2 boys.

Sometimes volatile, argumentative relationship, finally stunned me last September when she came to me and said: "It's Over"

I moved out to stay with my folks, for the sake of the kids and to 'give her space'

6 days later, she drops Bomb #2: "I'm seeing someone"

Cue, months of the usual weight-loss, horrible mind-movies, triggers, the full lot.

 

However, during the following week and months, I still saw her at weekends (I looked after kids, she went to her OM's. Further back-story on OM: he's single, 42, one kid, works as a fitness trainer, ex-army, likes fast bikes...I mean, you couldnt make it up)

 

 

However, since January, her calls and texts to me have become more and more frequent, almost daily.

Since March 3, she hasn't been to stay with OM when Im back at marital home and 4 weeks ago, the whole family spent 8 days together (longest time Ive been with her since this all started.)

Her FB status still says she's married to me and weirdly she hasn't told many of her friends about this. She sometimes says to me she is often lonely and asks me back, to which I say "Sure. Just drop your OM 100% and we can do this"

However, I really can't confirm how often she contacts him, if at all, during days/nights when I'm not at our marital home (she doesnt work right now, I do and so does OM)

 

Sometimes, I feel she is trying to 'reach out' to me (asking me to stay over 1 more night at the weekend or a random night in the week and she often picks me up, takes me places (I dont drive, she does). IMO, I think she is having or had a mini-mid-life-crisis and needed something else, exciting to take her away from our often-troubled married life...and now it's worn off.

She told me 3 weeks ago when I suggested I move back to the marital home: "I'm not ready for that yet"

I love and adore Jess, I love like I did the day we met...given the above (and I can tell anyone here whatever they need to know to help me) - can anyone offer me any advice on what I (and both of us) need to do to get my wife back?

[TaraMaiden]

Exactly what you said:

She has to totally drop him 100 and 10% and go to MC with you.

 

Until it's so thrashed out it's beaten into submission.

 

Note:

 

You both have to want this all the way, in every way, the same way.

[Radu]

You need to understand a few things.

 

First of all, she was seeing or was interested in this guy before you two broke up. In fact you two broke up, so that she could pursue this guy.

Second, if she is not 100% gaga over this guy, it means that this guy in turn put her as a 2nd priority or something like that, is absolute dirt for getting involved with a married woman, and she is trying to keep you around in case it doesn't work out with him [you are the backburner guy].

The fact that she hasn't come out to say she is dating someone else to friends and family and is keeping it hidden, is to preserve her reputation. She knows that ppl would dissaprove of this arrangement, so she is trying her best to have 2 guys after her without ppl knowing anything about this.

 

And this is working, because you are letting her do it.

A fine example for your young sons about how a woman should treat a man; boys always grow up to marry women like their mothers, do you think a woman deserting her husband, manipulating him, and f*cking some guy on the side is a fine example for them ?

I don't.

 

You need to stop being a pussy-whipped fool, and start taking the reins of this interaction, because she has them right now, she is in control, and the more you let her lead you, the more she will lose respect for you [and women cannot love without respect].

 

Talk to a lawyer, see what can be done with her cheating.

Try to find proof of her cheating [ideally before this].

See if OM can be sued for alienation of affection in your state, or if what they were doing happened in a state where alienation of affection is in state, it can be used for that.

Separate finances [after talking to lawyer], stop paying all but the child support a court would give her.

Inform all of your relatives, remove yourself from your relationship with her on FB, ideally do this after you have proof of her cheating before the 'arranged breakup'.

Look up the 180, and implement what you can do.

 

What you described in the OP is essentially someone being lead by a leash around.

You need to cut that leash, and make her follow you around.

The moment she starts realising that you are breaking free of her control, she will panick because she will be left with less options.

Women love security, and love options.

She will try first to sweetheart you into getting back into place and when that fails she will turn into a b*tch and assasinate your character [proof of her infidelity is crucial here].

You have a big help from the OM actually, because i don't think he is seriously considering keeping her.

So you do the above steps and continue with the D.

If she wants Reconcilliation, allow it to happen, but do not stop the D.

And she has to pull the R wagon, she has to do most of the work, because while what happened in the marriage is 50:50, her affair is 100% on her.

Be weary of a MC that tries to convince you to get over it, and start a new.

She is in the fault here, your wife, and you need to go through grieving process, even if this takes 2yrs.

You might be able to forgive, but you won't forget.

 

Finally, you might not realise this, but a man in his 40's who is a good father and single has better odds of finding someone than a woman at 40 saddled with 2 little kids.

You have better options, you just don't see them.

[WalkTheEarth]

Exactly what you said:

She has to totally drop him 100 and 10% and go to MC with you.

 

Until it's so thrashed out it's beaten into submission.

 

Note:

 

You both have to want this all the way, in every way, the same way.

Thank you.

What confuses me...is how she's gone from seeing him 1-2 times a week (weekends) gradually to 0 times.

 

How does one know fo sure, that the OM/OW has been dropped totally and no contact is being made with them.

It's impossible?

[Radu]

Oh, and i forgot.

 

Nobody 'found himself/herself' through the vagina of a woman, or the cock of a man.

[WalkTheEarth]

Thank you Radu - my responses to you are in bold:

First of all, she was seeing or was interested in this guy before you two broke up. In fact you two broke up, so that she could pursue this guy.

Yeah, it happened so fast...I've worked out the dates for sure.

She must have met him on or around a time-frame of 3 weeks before she told me. But I cannot prove she was cheating before she told me she wanted to separate.

I'm sure it was him pursuing her when he realised she was unhappy and 'vulnerable'.

I will admit here, our relationship was rocky during this period.

 

Second, if she is not 100% gaga over this guy, it means that this guy in turn put her as a 2nd priority or something like that, is absolute dirt for getting involved with a married woman, and she is trying to keep you around in case it doesn't work out with him [you are the backburner guy].

I'm sure that is the case: she is losing interest in him, not the other way around - I'm sure he wants more out of this.

 

The fact that she hasn't come out to say she is dating someone else to friends and family and is keeping it hidden, is to preserve her reputation. She knows that ppl would dissaprove of this arrangement, so she is trying her best to have 2 guys after her without ppl knowing anything about this.

And this is working, because you are letting her do it.

Yes, good point.

 

A fine example for your young sons about how a woman should treat a man; boys always grow up to marry women like their mothers, do you think a woman deserting her husband, manipulating him, and f*cking some guy on the side is a fine example for them ?

I don't.

Point taken too. Yes, agreed.

 

You need to stop being a pussy-whipped fool, and start taking the reins of this interaction, because she has them right now, she is in control, and the more you let her lead you, the more she will lose respect for you [and women cannot love without respect].

It's funny, I take no offence, but I've never thought of myself as that...but this situation, when I found out last year absolutely turned me inside-out.

 

Talk to a lawyer, see what can be done with her cheating.

Try to find proof of her cheating [ideally before this].

See if OM can be sued for alienation of affection in your state, or if what they were doing happened in a state where alienation of affection is in state, it can be used for that.

Separate finances [after talking to lawyer], stop paying all but the child support a court would give her.

Inform all of your relatives, remove yourself from your relationship with her on FB, ideally do this after you have proof of her cheating before the 'arranged breakup'.

Look up the 180, and implement what you can do.

I'm not sure how i can get any proof. By the way, Im not living in the USA so that above paragraph is moot

 

What you described in the OP is essentially someone being lead by a leash around.

You need to cut that leash, and make her follow you around.

Starting to do that. I don't give in to everything she says at all. An example was last Friday when I went out with a couple of friends, she texted me and said she was staying in...and asking where I was.

 

The moment she starts realising that you are breaking free of her control, she will panick because she will be left with less options.

Women love security, and love options.

She will try first to sweetheart you into getting back into place and when that fails she will turn into a b*tch and assasinate your character [proof of her infidelity is crucial here].

You have a big help from the OM actually, because i don't think he is seriously considering keeping her.

So you do the above steps and continue with the D.

If she wants Reconcilliation, allow it to happen, but do not stop the D.

And she has to pull the R wagon, she has to do most of the work, because while what happened in the marriage is 50:50, her affair is 100% on her.

Be weary of a MC that tries to convince you to get over it, and start a new. She is in the fault here, your wife, and you need to go through grieving process, even if this takes 2yrs.

You might be able to forgive, but you won't forget.

So, you think, file for Divorce...and see what her reaction is?

I'm finding it so hard to go dowen this route when I'm still in love with this woman...I adore her. I find it hard to just switch-off the emotions and 'Go To War' over this when I'm hoding out for a reconciliation.

 

Finally, you might not realise this, but a man in his 40's who is a good father and single has better odds of finding someone than a woman at 40 saddled with 2 little kids.

You have better options, you just don't see them.

Yes, I do...I was going to say she is absolutely terrified of being alone and thats whay I think this was a mid-life-crsis fling for her.

She told me other day, "Of course, I have no say in this but I would be devastated if you went out with another woman"

Physically, we are both faring well at our ages: she is still a looker (probably better than she was when I met her actually) and I'm not showing any obvious signs of a mid-40s guy.

Just very little confidence in me right now...

[Steadfast]

Wife is a 'looker' in her 40s? Wondering if she still 'has it' I presume. Yeah, she still has it. Sadly, she's learned that finding a f-buddy and someone who really cares about her long term are two very different things. Still? She's hung up on him. Not you. He's wanted for sex. You're wanted for other stuff. He won't commit. Can you blame him? His GF is a cheater.

 

So far, you done just about everything wrong a husband with a cheating wife can do. You've practically undressed her for him. Cooked the meal, lit the candles then let yourself out the back so you won't disturb them.

 

The good news? None of it matters. In fact, you should be seeking advice on how not to get back with her. Your question should be: "How can I make sure I don't mess up and find myself back in a marriage with this woman?"

 

The problem isn't Mr. Fast bike/Fitness trainer. He's a tool that deserves to be dropped at the earliest opportunity (Yes, a hard right directly to the chin) but he's probably not worth the risk. Rearranging his face might bring satisfaction and a measure of justice, but it won't fix the real problem: You have a bad wife. I don't care if she's attractive. I don't care if you 'love her'. Love her all you want, just don't make the mistake of living with her. Being with her, being responsible with her or having anything to do with her except share custody of the children you brought into the world. Hear me? Don't be a fool. Take off the rose-colored glasses and smell the coffee.

 

Move on. Nail down the custody arrangement, get your finances in order and file. Stronger and wiser, aim for something better.

Edited April 19, 2013 by Steadfast

[Radu]

Thank you Radu - my responses to you are in bold:

OK

 

So, you think, file for Divorce...and see what her reaction is?

I'm finding it so hard to go dowen this route when I'm still in love with this woman...I adore her. I find it hard to just switch-off the emotions and 'Go To War' over this when I'm hoding out for a reconciliation.

No, no 'see what her reaction will be', i already know what her reaction will be ... panic.

You are not going to war to get rid of her, you are also going to war to keep her [obviously don't tell her this].

This has 3 outcomes i can envision :

- she gets herself through this, and is willing to make it work right now because she panics [look long term, not what she will do for a few months]

- you will get a D, and you will do great coparenting

- you will get a nasty D, you will not coparent great

 

What you are not yet processing well, is that all 3 possible outcomes go through the same process, what i described you.

And that, you cannot force her to do anything, she has to do it herself.

You can only alter the incentive for the lab rat [better cheese or no cheese], but you will not push the rat through the labyrinth with your hand.

 

Everything i've suggested that you do, has been about loweing her incentive to continue on this path, vs increasing the incentive that you might wait ... for now [hope at the end of the tunnel].

What she does at this point is fully up to her, and by doing this you will also show a strong male rolemodel to the boys, they will marry women too you know.

You want them marrying women like their mother right now ?

I don't.

 

Yes, I do...I was going to say she is absolutely terrified of being alone and thats whay I think this was a mid-life-crsis fling for her.

She told me other day, "Of course, I have no say in this but I would be devastated if you went out with another woman"

Physically, we are both faring well at our ages: she is still a looker (probably better than she was when I met her actually) and I'm not showing any obvious signs of a mid-40s guy.

Just very little confidence in me right now...

If she just started being terrified of this, if it's recent, then things with loverboy are not going too well.

So now's the time to make her pay penance for what she did.

Not later when she finds a new loverboy; remember what i told you about women wanting security ? women will always grab onto something before making the jump, they will not leave something [this relationship], for as long as they do not have something setup.

 

It doesn't matter at this point what the motivation for her action has been, only that it was her action.

It was her choice.

 

And yes, she was honest, she would be devastated if you started looking around [pls don't untill you two are settled in the roles of divorcees ... unless it all works out].

The question is why ?

Would she lose the attention of the man who was the father of his children, or because she would lose an option, a backup ...

I think it's the latter, i think she would be devastated to have less options.

 

You say she's a looker, but in my eyes [30yr old male], she is not a looker.

She has 2 kids, she is done having kids [and i want some ... as some 40yr olds might want as well], and she cheated.

I'm sorry, but if i was a 40yr old male, i'd just have her as a FWB tops, and seriously date a 30yr old who has her **** together, a solid career, no kids, wants a family and learned her lesson when she was cheated.

Tell me you would do different in my case, tell me you would not hold the 2 kids, the age, the end of childbirth and the fact that she cheated, against her.

Put yourself in my situation, or the situation of any other man with morals and a plan.

 

So that's why she has less options than you have, and considering her name is one popular in Commonwealth nations [uk, canada, us, nz, aussie], you are going up in your 40's, while she is going down ... in terms of prospects with the other gender.

[Mr. Lucky]

she is trying to keep you around in case it doesn't work out with him [you are the backburner guy].

WalkTheEarth, read the above multiple times because it's the only real truth in your entire situation. It's not you your wife now wants, it's the security you represent. It's starting to dawn on her that the Harlequin-novel future she imagined with GI Joe will not pan out. And so, no job and 2 kids in tow, she starts to consider Plan B, the fallback plan. Hence the flirty texts and conversation designed to keep you in orbit, close but not too close.

 

Have you heard "Hope for the best, Plan for the worst"? As long as you're comfortable being there in case she's forced to chose her worst option, keep doing what you're doing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Darren Steez]

Your love for her is admirable..it's the stick she's using you beat you about the head with.

 

So she cheated, moved out and is seeing OM. Any speculation about their current status is conjecture on your part, I mean you didn't even know she was seeing him until she dropped the bomb on you.

 

You're seeing and hearing only what you want to, all the information is filtered through the sieve called "You want reconciliation", so every time she throws you a nugget, you latch onto it like it's the last meal.

 

Takes two people to want it, not one. She hasn't said she wants to be with you, she hasn't dropped OM, every opportunity you make contact, get her to drive you around, that's the man she know..the one who will come running whenever she snaps her fingers. So what's to stop her from continuing to see OM when she knows she can continually feed you crumbs, knowing you'll hold onto it like a rope on a lifeboat...know that she can cut that rope at any time.

 

Detach take care of yourself, stop being so co-dependent, no doubt you love her but you're doing yourself no favors by being a doormat.

[Mack05]

I want to look deeper here. Married at 38? What were your previous relationships like? Hers?

 

She leaves you for another man, yet here you are like a love sick puppy begging for another chance? Any man with a decent set of balls, would tell her to go sling her hook. After all, this isn't a girl u met in high school. I mean that I could understand, if not condone..

 

There is a LOT more happening here that you are not telling us, so why don't you enlighten us? Bottom line she has already fc%^^ed enough guys in her life for this to be a mid life crisis. All this runs sooooo much deeper..

Edited April 20, 2013 by Mack05

[Gunny376]

How do you get you wife back? You don't! At least not the one that you had for all these many years?

 

How do you get your wife back? By "Amping" up ~ AMP ~ "Alpha Male Power" ~ by growing a pair! By not being a supplicating, whining, begging, pleading shell of a man!

 

By applying "tough love"

 

There are minor offenses, major offenses, and intolerable ( and some would say unforgivable) offenses.

 

Guess which one the DW committed by going off and scrogging the "Doggie?" (That's what we Marines call Army types!)

 

That's RIGHT!

 

INTOLERABLE!

 

Where in the Hell did you lose your self respect? Your self dignity? You Honor? Your self worth? Your self value? Where in tha' Hell did you decide that this woman? This piece of azz was worth giving up your self pride, your self identity, your self worth, your self respect?

 

I would as soon as become a crack-pipe smoking, homeless wino, laying in the ditch on the side of I-10 outside of New Orleans pissing, puking, and a ****tin' on myself giving BJ's for 25 cents a pop than take someone like her back! :mad:

 

I'd go out and sleep in a hollow log, drink muddy water and eat road kill before I spent one more day with someone such!

 

At the very least?

 

I'd still have my self respect!

 

Seriously Dude! The XHEX beat me down like there was no tomorrow. Mrs Gunny aside? There were and have more than plenty of women before Mrs. Gunny who were like"

 

"Where have you been all of my life!"

 

What one will abuse?

 

Another can certainly use!

[revitup]

Gunny is right on!

 

And Gunny used a word I haven't heard in a while..... "scroggin" that's cool right there;)

 

REVITUP