Fiance was raped recently. How to move on?

[kingofhearts]

Hello guys. Needing advice once again here. My fiancé was raped recently by two guys. They were friends of her ratchet friend that I don't approve of and really had no business hanging around them. (I almost feel like she was setup but thats besides the point) Anyways, as a man of coarse, its been really hard trying to deal with this. My first question is, does anyone have any advice to cope with this? this is the third time its happened to her. I really want to be by her side, but it feels strange now to continue on, knowing that she has been taken from me.

 

Also, I know this is not the most important factor for the tragedy, but I am now creeped out about intercoarse. She just had two strange men in her and it makes me scared of the unknown (std's). I have a fear of contracting aids or other incurable diseases from all of this. Am I being a little over the top about this? Even with being checked, It takes some time for some diseases to appear…. How long should we I wait to be safe?

 

Regardless she seams uncomfortably unfazed by all of this. With no worries at all. WTF?…

 

I've been really uncomfortable these past few days emotionally. What are your thoughts?

 

Should I continue being with her?

Am I tripping over the whole std fear?

[amaysngrace]

You said this is her third time being raped? Are you sure it's only three?

 

You said she seems unbothered by it. She may have dissociated. She needs counseling if she seems to just blow it off. She's hiding her feelings by not facing her feelings but those feelings will manifest and come out in other ways, dysfunctional ways.

 

You should be worried about stds. I would be.

[2sure]

She has been sexually assaulted 3 different times. She needs to be tested for stds yesturday. She needs to be in therapy yesturday .

 

She's been taken from you?

 

She has been taken from herself! That may be why she seems untaxed, it must be a coping mechanism. Were the police involved?

 

You need to DO something for her or out her in the hands of a family member who will.

[todreaminblue]

Hello guys. Needing advice once again here. My fiancé was raped recently by two guys. They were friends of her ratchet friend that I don't approve of and really had no business hanging around them. (I almost feel like she was setup but thats besides the point) Anyways, as a man of coarse, its been really hard trying to deal with this. My first question is, does anyone have any advice to cope with this? this is the third time its happened to her. I really want to be by her side, but it feels strange now to continue on, knowing that she has been taken from me.

 

Also, I know this is not the most important factor for the tragedy, but I am now creeped out about intercoarse. She just had two strange men in her and it makes me scared of the unknown (std's). I have a fear of contracting aids or other incurable diseases from all of this. Am I being a little over the top about this? Even with being checked, It takes some time for some diseases to appear…. How long should we I wait to be safe?

 

Regardless she seams uncomfortably unfazed by all of this. With no worries at all. WTF?…

 

I've been really uncomfortable these past few days emotionally. What are your thoughts?

 

Should I continue being with her?

Am I tripping over the whole std fear?

 

 

when you have been abused more than a few times you learn how to disconnect....your physical body from your spiritual body....as a matter of necessity.....she is showing signs of ptsd.......disconnected from the act...if she talks about it is it in a level monotone.......no stresses in her voice on certain things that happened, does she shower excessively......

 

 

as far as std's go.....you can be checked .....suggest she as well get checked....take her to an understanding female doctor......to further therapy needed....when she is ready to break the disconnect you will know...its coming......deb

[kingofhearts]

She has been sexually assaulted 3 different times. She needs to be tested for stds yesturday. She needs to be in therapy yesturday .

 

She's been taken from you?

 

She has been taken from herself! That may be why she seems untaxed, it must be a coping mechanism. Were the police involved?

 

You need to DO something for her or out her in the hands of a family member who will.

 

She didn't seem interested in involving the police.... She's been frustrating to deal with. I know, the first time was by a family member and the experience of having a kit done on her w/ her family by her side, makes her seem to not want to relive the process again. I would really like for her to go back to her family etc, she is persistent in staying with me and being by her side. I'm torn.

[kingofhearts]

You said this is her third time being raped? Are you sure it's only three?

 

You said she seems unbothered by it. She may have dissociated. She needs counseling if she seems to just blow it off. She's hiding her feelings by not facing her feelings but those feelings will manifest and come out in other ways, dysfunctional ways.

 

You should be worried about stds. I would be.

 

Quite dissociated indeed. When we first started dating. Sex was a MAJOR issue. It took some time, but she has found herself sexually with me and haven't with anyone else to this point.

[2sure]

Find a rape victim support group for her . They are everywhere and often free.

[Keenly]

I know exactly how you feel right now. I've been in this situation. Even though my ex turned out to be lying to be about being raped, for all I knew, it was real. The only solution I can really give you is you have to NOT think about it.

 

I thought about it constantly for a month or so, and all it did was cause problems.

[amaysngrace]

Quite dissociated indeed. When we first started dating. Sex was a MAJOR issue. It took some time, but she has found herself sexually with me and haven't with anyone else to this point.

 

She needs counseling. She also should press charges on those guys so she can regain some sense of power.

 

I don't blame her for not wanting to go back to her family if they failed to protect her from whoever in her family raped her.

 

Did she receive counseling for that? How old was she when it happened?

 

She really needs to deal with it to heal from it. Until then she will most likely be dysfunctional to a degree.

 

She should prosecute instead of hiding from it in shame.

[kingofhearts]

I know exactly how you feel right now. I've been in this situation. Even though my ex turned out to be lying to be about being raped, for all I knew, it was real. The only solution I can really give you is you have to NOT think about it.

 

I thought about it constantly for a month or so, and all it did was cause problems.

 

Yes. I get really angry and powerless whenever I think about it. I've been doing a good job at staying busy (as always) and keeping my mind off of things. In a way her being calm soothes me for the moment. But THIS IS A BIG DEAL! We shouldn't be shrugging our shoulders.....

[Keenly]

Yes. I get really angry and powerless whenever I think about it. I've been doing a good job at staying busy (as always) and keeping my mind off of things. In a way her being calm soothes me for the moment. But THIS IS A BIG DEAL! We shouldn't be shrugging our shoulders.....

The ONLY thing that both of you can really do , is let it go. I know that sounds a little ridiculous on paper but NOTHING good will come of it. It's over. It's done. You have to move forward and be there for her if she needs you. Be strong for her.

[Keenly]

And do NOT tell her that "She needs counseling"

[amaysngrace]

The ONLY thing that both of you can really do , is let it go. I know that sounds a little ridiculous on paper but NOTHING good will come of it. It's over. It's done. You have to move forward and be there for her if she needs you. Be strong for her.

 

Wrong. Ignoring it won't make it all better. She was traumatized. And she's not dealing with all the many feelings that go with that in a healthy manner at all.

[kingofhearts]

She needs counseling. She also should press charges on those guys so she can regain some sense of power.

 

I don't blame her for not wanting to go back to her family if they failed to protect her from whoever in her family raped her.

 

Did she receive counseling for that? How old was she when it happened?

 

She really needs to deal with it to heal from it. Until then she will most likely be dysfunctional to a degree.

 

She should prosecute instead of hiding from it in shame.

 

You're so right here. I've been trying my best. She's been through counseling before and have told me that it really didn't help much. I've approached her about counseling when sex was the issue and even gave the ultimatum of leaving if she doesn't get it. She still refused. I believe she was 14 the first time around. She doesn't know the guys who did it.... This has been very hard and exhausting on me. Her only concern and comfort is being with me and moving on.....

[kingofhearts]

And do NOT tell her that "She needs counseling"

 

Been there, tried that.... made her irritated and resist even more.

[Feelin Frisky]

Excuse me but "rape" is considered not only a crime, but a crime of violence--not vice or sexual indiscretion. That's that only way it should be looked at. And both of you seem entirely too passive toward this if it were indeed three rapes. Haven't you or your g/f ever watched TV? In this day and age, if you're going to claim rape it better be rape and it needs to be prosecuted. If it's not and your g/f has dismissed multiple sexual assaults without due process, she becomes truly questionable. It's hard enough for a woman to not get treated as an instigator if it happens once. But three and you're talking about whether it bothers you in some sexual sense? Doesn't sound right.

[amaysngrace]

You're so right here. I've been trying my best. She's been through counseling before and have told me that it really didn't help much. I've approached her about counseling when sex was the issue and even gave the ultimatum of leaving if she doesn't get it. She still refused. I believe she was 14 the first time around. She doesn't know the guys who did it.... This has been very hard and exhausting on me. Her only concern and comfort is being with me and moving on.....

 

I went to counseling more than once before seeing it through because its a tough thing to face. You really have to be ready for it to work because there is a lot to process.

 

There's a good book called The Courage To Heal. I highly recommend it but only if its accompanied with counseling. It will trigger all those suppressed feelings she has and will most likely become overwhelmed.

 

But it's good to be able to put it in the past. The only way there is to heal from it in my opinion.

[kingofhearts]

Excuse me but "rape" is considered not only a crime, but a crime of violence--not vice or sexual indiscretion. That's that only way it should be looked at. And both of you seem entirely too passive toward this if it were indeed three rapes. Haven't you or your g/f ever watched TV? In this day and age, if you're going to claim rape it better be rape and it needs to be prosecuted. If it's not and your g/f has dismissed multiple sexual assaults without due process, she becomes truly questionable. It's hard enough for a woman to not get treated as an instigator if it happens once. But three and you're talking about whether it bothers you in some sexual sense? Doesn't sound right.

 

I completely agree. It was three separate occasions. First time, she was young 14 and she was taken to the hospital, family member went to jail etc. Second, she didn't pursuit. (Also before me as well) This time is while she is with me. It doesn't make sense either. She keeps saying its done and over with when I mention help, finding the guys or calling the police. We got into an argument that day because I called her bull****. She was waaaaaay too passive about it. It has left me in a state of wtf.... She just told me that this is the way she has come to deal with it. I think someone nailed it earlier when they said, she has found this dead way of dealing with it after multiple times... I've not taken this lightly, and even with posting this, obviously its still eating at me. I don't know either, bro.

[kingofhearts]

I went to counseling more than once before seeing it through because its a tough thing to face. You really have to be ready for it to work because there is a lot to process.

 

There's a good book called The Courage To Heal. I highly recommend it but only if its accompanied with counseling. It will trigger all those suppressed feelings she has and will most likely become overwhelmed.

 

But it's good to be able to put it in the past. The only way there is to heal from it in my opinion.

 

Thanks for the help. It means a lot. I will try to hint for counseling, but its a task. She's a tough one.

[amaysngrace]

She's a tough one.

 

Tough is facing your problems, not denying that they exist.

[denxnis]

Hello guys. Needing advice once again here. My fiancé was raped recently by two guys. They were friends of her ratchet friend that I don't approve of and really had no business hanging around them. (I almost feel like she was setup but thats besides the point) Anyways, as a man of coarse, its been really hard trying to deal with this. My first question is, does anyone have any advice to cope with this? this is the third time its happened to her. I really want to be by her side, but it feels strange now to continue on, knowing that she has been taken from me.

 

Also, I know this is not the most important factor for the tragedy, but I am now creeped out about intercoarse. She just had two strange men in her and it makes me scared of the unknown (std's). I have a fear of contracting aids or other incurable diseases from all of this. Am I being a little over the top about this? Even with being checked, It takes some time for some diseases to appear…. How long should we I wait to be safe?

 

Regardless she seams uncomfortably unfazed by all of this. With no worries at all. WTF?…

 

I've been really uncomfortable these past few days emotionally. What are your thoughts?

 

Should I continue being with her?

Am I tripping over the whole std fear?

 

I don't mean to offend you but I would leave her, being raped three times is very sketchy and it sounds like an excuse to cheat on you.

[amaysngrace]

I don't mean to offend you but I would leave her, being raped three times is very sketchy and it sounds like an excuse to cheat on you.

 

What? Being raped three times isn't sketchy. And it doesn't make a person prone to cheating either.

 

Sometimes when a person gets raped they subconsciously put themselves into situations where they get raped again. They do that so that they can learn new methods of doing things differently in a similar situation.

 

Sure yeah blame the victim and question the victim's morals. Real classy.

[2sunny]

She does need to press charges. If for nothing else - to begin taking her power back.

 

It could be that she became so entrenched in owning her victim role - that she became part or wholly intertwined with the abuse she suffered as a child - and never recovered past that identity for herself.

 

YOU can't fix it for her...she must do that for herself - or stay the victim for her lifetime. If she stays in the victim role - id suggest you not stay with her.

 

She has demons to battle - she needs to do the work if she ever going to break out of her demons and do the hard work to be free.

 

It's impossible for YOU to rescue her from her nightmare.

 

 

She also needs intensive therapy - and self defense classes.

 

If she won't press charges...there's no reason to think she can get well.

[2sunny]

Not that anyone deserves to be attacked or raped - but there is body language and energy that certain people portray that make them an easier target than a person portraying strength and determined body language.

 

Just watch people - some move with a weak and timid and meek style. They would be the target over a person walking with a solid stride who is focused and determined about where they are headed and not looking distracted while going there.

[2sunny]

What situation was your gal in that made raping her even possible.

 

Was she alone?

 

Was she where she felt safe?

 

Was she in an unexpected area/event?

 

Does she know the perpetrators?