Fiance was raped recently. How to move on?

[Almond_Joy]

If she is averse to counseling, maybe she would be willing to read books r testimonials by women who went through the same experience?

 

It sounds like she's not talking about this at all, to anyone. She has no one to relate to no one to process this with. If she's not ready to proactively talk to a person, at least reading about the experience from someone else's perspective may help her not to feel so alone, and maybe see that she does still have the power to deal with the trauma of this in a different way and reclaim her strength.

 

She may not be ready to talk to someone yet, but she at least needs to realize that she isn't alone in dealing with this and that there are support resources out there for her to really process this instead of just kind of....accepting it.

[Radu]

What? Being raped three times isn't sketchy. And it doesn't make a person prone to cheating either.

 

Sometimes when a person gets raped they subconsciously put themselves into situations where they get raped again. They do that so that they can learn new methods of doing things differently in a similar situation.

 

Sure yeah blame the victim and question the victim's morals. Real classy.

 

This also struck me as weird, and i see only FF posted about it.

She was raped 3 times and they seem pretty young.

 

I have to ask myself, is she searching for them, is she horribly unlucky [i assume the OP lives in the west, US actually], or does she expect this to happen from men ?

[todreaminblue]

Excuse me but "rape" is considered not only a crime, but a crime of violence--not vice or sexual indiscretion. That's that only way it should be looked at. And both of you seem entirely too passive toward this if it were indeed three rapes. Haven't you or your g/f ever watched TV? In this day and age, if you're going to claim rape it better be rape and it needs to be prosecuted. If it's not and your g/f has dismissed multiple sexual assaults without due process, she becomes truly questionable. It's hard enough for a woman to not get treated as an instigator if it happens once. But three and you're talking about whether it bothers you in some sexual sense? Doesn't sound right.

 

 

Questionable?........I have never taken a guy to court....i have been raped multiple times...I chose not to rehash and drag mine through court...and be dragged through the mud in the process.....being believed for one...seeing i was a sex worker.......and then more or less have them sit there wqhile i get interrogated on soemone elses abuse on me how i felt....if i wore panties...or whatever stuffed up questions they ask ...watching me all the time as i break down into a blubbering mess....no thanks..ill never prosecute anyone for hurting me..so they can watch me hurt all over again once is enough.......i dont understand why questionable is a word that you use.......i dont understand one why women would lie about being raped....and two........questionable.....i dont like it as it implies interrogative connotations on the victim......deb

Edited April 20, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Mack05]

This is a very sad situation. It is also a very delicate situation. I will tell you want concerns me here and that is her blase attitude to all of it. She is suppressing her feelings and emotions. "Feelings/emotions are like weeds. If you leave them be (suppress them) they will grow wild and run out of control".

 

This will eventually blow up in your face. It's just a matter of when. I understand you love her, but this has the potential to leave you completely and utterly devastated. It could potentially ruin your life in ways you can't even imagine. Your fiance is a ticking time bomb. At some stage something (could be a major incident, could be something small) will lead to this bomb to explode.

 

I would do my best to convince her to go to the police and convince her to go therapy. I can't image how hard this must be for the victim of rape to drag the nightmare through a court, but surely the courage has to be summoned up, to help protect other innocent women out there? These scum will almost certainly strike again.

 

If she continued to say no to both, I would eventually leave. Now I know this sounds cruel and cold but for me it is about self preservation. My thinking would be -> I know what is going to happen in the future if she doesn't deal with this correctly, therefore I will not be around when the bomb goes off. It's about seeing a potentially devastating 'toxic' situation and avoiding it at all costs.

 

If she doesn't want to help herself, you can't help her. I'm sure people will think I am a cold, black and white guy, but if you see a train crash ahead best swerve and avoid it instead of being mangled into it..I've tried to help ex's before who I know needed 'help'. They didn't appreciate it. Lesson learnt..Either have a relationship with an emotionally healthy person, or don't have a relationship at all..That is my new golden rule.

Edited April 20, 2013 by Mack05

[Darren Steez]

I don't being raped three times is sketchy, but there has to be a pattern somewhere. First time it was a relative, but then you ask what type of people she's hanging around with and why oh why is she not reporting this to the police.

 

Something is not right here..

 

Who set her up to be raped OP. Is she putting herself in dangerous situations with dangerous people? Moving forward how do you know she won't put herself in this situation again?

 

You can't marry unless you deal with this and the fall out.

[soccerrprp]

I don't being raped three times is sketchy, but there has to be a pattern somewhere. First time it was a relative, but then you ask what type of people she's hanging around with and why oh why is she not reporting this to the police.

 

Something is not right here..

 

Who set her up to be raped OP. Is she putting herself in dangerous situations with dangerous people? Moving forward how do you know she won't put herself in this situation again?

 

You can't marry unless you deal with this and the fall out.

 

I'm sorry for the victimization of your fiance. It is terrible and these men need to be prosecuted and placed in prison for many years. For her and for other women who are at risk and in danger of being future potential victims.

 

You should try to convince her to press charges. She'd be doing it for her and others. It is the right thing to do, though extremely difficult.

 

But I can't help feeling a little off about this...

[kingofhearts]

What situation was your gal in that made raping her even possible.

 

Was she alone?

 

Was she where she felt safe?

 

Was she in an unexpected area/event?

 

Does she know the perpetrators?

 

Yes. She was staying with a friend who had some guys over. Her friend left and left the two guys there with her.

 

No she was not in a safe place as far as I'm concerned. The type of ppl they are, are ones that I would never associate with, but I don't want to get too much into finger pointing, but she has a major ownership for putting herself in that situation.

 

It was unexpected, yes.

 

She doesn't know the guys.

[amaysngrace]

Rape victims

 

 

"Some common physical injuries from a rape include pain, bruises, irritation and tenderness in the vaginal area, vaginal and anal bleeding, and sometimes tears in the vaginal-rectal area. If the victim has been thrown to the ground there may also be other injuries such as skin insults and contusions.

 

The victim often suffers intense emotional reactions immediately after a rape. These can be described as personal crises where the victim relives the fear, agony or anxiety, mixed with emotional numbness. For most rape victims, the reactions begin days or weeks after the rape and decrease after two to six months. However, disturbing emotions combined with low self-respect and sexual dysfunction may last for a year or more for some.

 

Defense mechanisms such as denial, suppression and dissociation are common among rape victims.

 

The function of suppression is to block out the strong emotions and thereby escape the painful feelings for a short time which can be psychologically very exhausting.

 

Denying or putting the worst parts of the assault out of the memory allow the victim to avoid the immediate distress.

 

Dissociation is a defense mechanism which can be employed during painful physical or psychological abuse impossible to escape. As a survival technique, it provides a feeling of "leaving" one's body, making the trauma harder to remember, especially the details."

 

 

Multiple Victimization of Rape Victims Rape Crisis Information Pathfinder

[Mack05]

I wonder if it was consensual? Maybe she knew it would get back to you and come up with this story. Her reaction makes no sense..There is something going on here..This just doesn't add up..

[amaysngrace]

I wonder if it was consensual? Maybe she knew it would get back to you and come up with this story. Her reaction makes no sense..There is something going on here..This just doesn't add up..

 

Her reaction makes perfect sense from a pschological point of view.

[Mack05]

Her reaction makes perfect sense from a pschological point of view.

 

I'm pretty sure you are right, just throwing the idea out there. I accept it might be unpopular..

[youngnlove89]

I was raped on February 11th of this year by a guy I was dating. The first person I called was my ex, I hadn't talked to him in two months, but he was the only person I knew to call at the time. My ex bf came to the rescue to protect me, nurture me and get me back on my feet. It was a horrible experience, but he was by my side after the hour it happened, when the cops were there asking questions, came with me to the hospital to perform the rape kit test and answer questions, he was there for me 110% And he didn't let me out of his sight. I stayed with him for a month afterward and he cuddled me and loved me every night. He took care of me emotionally, mentally and physically. It was an emotionally scary experience for both of us. He definitely showed how upset he was more than I did. I think because he was outside of the situation, while I had lived it.

 

I'm not good with my emotions, I was very embarrassed and I didn't know how to handle this properly. So in turn, I tried to ignore those feelings when really they were haunting me in every thought. I wanted to smile, have fun and enjoy the sunny days, but this horrible thing just happened and I thought by ignoring it and trying to move on it would help me. It didn't.

 

He was and still is extremely bothered by it. He hates the guy who did this to me and wants to hurt him. It's normal for you to feel the way you are feeling. This guy neglected and hurt your girl. Shame on him.

 

My ex and I had sex 2 days after. It wasn't smart because we didn't know if I had any diseases yet. But him and I had been broken up for 2 months before all this happened, and I wanted HIM to be the last guy that was with me that way, not some stranger who didn't care about me. I thought by having sex with someone who loved me it would take away the pain of someone raping me.

 

Sex is still the same for me. I don't relate it to rape. What my rapist did to me had nothing to do with sex, but everything to do with control, pain and abuse. Sex for me is sharing an intimate moment with someone you love, someone who cares about you.

 

Recently, I was in the car with my dad and the song by Nirvana, "Rape Me" came on and it made me so uncomfortable and I froze and couldn't move. I was embarrassed, I was ashamed. My dad immediately turned it off and changed the subject, but it ruined my day after that.

 

I still am very bothered by what happened to me.

 

Every rape victim handles things differently. I don't show my fear or my sadness. I hide it and then when I'm home by myself I let it out. I feel weak and embarrassed. I feel as if it was my fault and I could have prevented it.

 

Right now, you need to be there for your girlfriend. No excuses. Don't think too much about how she is presenting herself, she is trying to stay strong in a moment that made her weak. Give her love, support and your time, because I promise you she really needs it right now.

[SoleMate]

Yes. She was staying with a friend who had some guys over. Her friend left and left the two guys there with her.

 

No she was not in a safe place as far as I'm concerned. The type of ppl they are, are ones that I would never associate with, but I don't want to get too much into finger pointing, but she has a major ownership for putting herself in that situation.

 

It was unexpected, yes.

 

She doesn't know the guys.

That does sound like a setup. Everything is wrong here...

 

* your gf associating with people she barely knows or doesn't know at all

* our gf associating with people you consider unacceptable

* the "friend" for the unbelievable manipulation (if there is a prosecution, I'd like to see the friend charged with conspiracy to commit rape)

* the uncertainty about the facts of what occurred

* her reluctance to get support or treatment, or to prosecute

* the pattern of being victimized

* your gf not acknowledging anything about reality or taking corrective steps

* the fact that this pattern is highly likely to repeat

 

Like many others here, I tend to believe (without being certain) that your gf is truly a victim as opposed to someone telling a cover story. OTOH, she is a victim badly in need of treatment and assistance to learn how to keep herself safe.

 

Just be aware that lack of treatment means there are likely to be repeat episodes. Very sorry for you, and even more so for her.

[2sunny]

Since she's not facing her fears and demons head on and working toward the other side (healthy) - then nothing will change.

 

I would never suggest staying with her. She has so much work to do - and YOU can't fix it FOR HER.

 

If she's not willing to change EVERYTHING - there's no reason to stay with her.

 

She must help herself - and since she won't - you have nothing to be hopeful for.

[youngnlove89]

This is a very sad situation. It is also a very delicate situation. I will tell you want concerns me here and that is her blase attitude to all of it. She is suppressing her feelings and emotions. "Feelings/emotions are like weeds. If you leave them be (suppress them) they will grow wild and run out of control".

 

This will eventually blow up in your face. It's just a matter of when. I understand you love her, but this has the potential to leave you completely and utterly devastated. It could potentially ruin your life in ways you can't even imagine. Your fiance is a ticking time bomb. At some stage something (could be a major incident, could be something small) will lead to this bomb to explode.

 

I would do my best to convince her to go to the police and convince her to go therapy. I can't image how hard this must be for the victim of rape to drag the nightmare through a court, but surely the courage has to be summoned up, to help protect other innocent women out there? These scum will almost certainly strike again.

 

If she continued to say no to both, I would eventually leave. Now I know this sounds cruel and cold but for me it is about self preservation. My thinking would be -> I know what is going to happen in the future if she doesn't deal with this correctly, therefore I will not be around when the bomb goes off. It's about seeing a potentially devastating 'toxic' situation and avoiding it at all costs.

 

If she doesn't want to help herself, you can't help her. I'm sure people will think I am a cold, black and white guy, but if you see a train crash ahead best swerve and avoid it instead of being mangled into it..I've tried to help ex's before who I know needed 'help'. They didn't appreciate it. Lesson learnt..Either have a relationship with an emotionally healthy person, or don't have a relationship at all..That is my new golden rule.

 

 

Mack, I'm really upset by your post. I'm so thankful this wasn't the thought process of my ex. You have no idea what it's like to be raped and if my ex would've acted like this it would have made matters worse. It would have made me feel more out of control, ashamed and more embarrassed. I would have felt completely alone. Only a man can be a man. Only a man can stand up and stick beside his girl at a time of need. Doesn't mean he "wants" to, but he realizes he needs too because it's the right thing to do. Nobody wants to be a part of this.

 

Make sure you're not around when the bomb goes off? Dear, the bomb already went off when she was raped! I didn't go to counseling, I didn't take it to court, so by not doing those things that means I'm a bad person, I am not emotionally healthy?

 

Do you see how this has made the victim a bad person vs the guy who actually committed the crime?

 

I didn't wish to take him to court because I can't fathom what it would be like to have to explain my situation ONE MORE TIME to the jury and the judge of what happened, to have to be presented with the a**hole who took everything away from me, to have to sit in the same room with him! I already had to tell the officers, the detective and the nurse 10 times over verbatim what had happened to me. I had to use words like dick, vagina, cum, dirty, panties, abuse, him pushing my head down...do you even know how that makes a victim feel? DIRTY, used and emotionally unfit.

 

UGH.

[Mack05]

Mack, I'm really upset by your post. I'm so thankful this wasn't the thought process of my ex. You have no idea what it's like to be raped and if my ex would've acted like this it would have made matters worse. It would have made me feel more out of control, ashamed and more embarrassed. I would have felt completely alone. Only a man can be a man. Only a man can stand up and stick beside his girl at a time of need. Doesn't mean he "wants" to, but he realizes he needs too because it's the right thing to do. Nobody wants to be a part of this.

 

Make sure you're not around when the bomb goes off? Dear, the bomb already went off when she was raped! I didn't go to counseling, I didn't take it to court, so by not doing those things that means I'm a bad person, I am not emotionally healthy?

 

Do you see how this has made the victim a bad person vs the guy who actually committed the crime?

 

I didn't wish to take him to court because I can't fathom what it would be like to have to explain my situation ONE MORE TIME to the jury and the judge of what happened, to have to be presented with the a**hole who took everything away from me, to have to sit in the same room with him! I already had to tell the officers, the detective and the nurse 10 times over verbatim what had happened to me. I had to use words like dick, vagina, cum, dirty, panties, abuse, him pushing my head down...do you even know how that makes a victim feel? DIRTY, used and emotionally unfit.

 

UGH.

 

Younglove I knew my post(s) on this thread would be unpopular. Firstly let me say I am very sorry for what you went through. I would not wish that on anybody. Rape truly is a heinous crime.

 

I am not going to defend myself. I still stand by my post above. I can see why people would shake their head at me. I really do. Please note if I were your ex I would have handled things in pretty much the same way. Why? Because 'we' are not in a relationship. Therefore the dynamics change completely. There is a vast difference between a friendship and a relationship. Therefore how I would handle this would be different.

 

I think Sunny's post is spot on. If she doesn't want to help herself what good can the OP do? It's not about quitting on someone you Love. It's about recognising just how unhealthy she is dealing with this situation. It's about knowing just how drastic an effect that this will have on their relationship in the future (There is no doubt in my mind about that).

 

You are right. I have no idea what you went through younglove or the Op's fiance. I haven't walked a mile in your shoes. If I was in the OP's shoes I would try and be supportive for as long as I could, but if there was no change I would leave. I don't apologise for this opinion. If she doesn't want to help herself then I can't help her. Relationships are hard enough as it is. If I see a woman who doesn't handle adversity in an emotionally healthy way, I will leave. Because I know and understand just how badly all this will effect the relationship going forward.

 

I'm sorry if this upsets you..

Edited April 20, 2013 by Mack05

[SpiralOut]

Sexual assault centers teach you (if you read a pamphlet, or visit a website) that trying to force a rape victim to press charges or get treatment just takes power away from them again. They've already had someone take control of their body and now they have to deal with other people telling them how to handle the situation. This is her situation to deal with, her way. I know that you mean well, and I agree that she should get help BUT I don't blame her for resisting your advice. If I were her I would refuse to do anything people tell me, just because I don't like being told what to do. Push at her too hard to get help and she might get angry enough to shut that off as an option altogether.

 

Be there for her, offer your support for whatever choice she makes. Tell her you'll support her if she changes her mind. Then give her time to think about it. If she's not ready to get help, she's not ready. Sounds like feeling loved and supported is what she really needs right now.

 

This website might be helpful. It provides a list of resources for friends/family/partners of sexual assault survivors.

Edited April 20, 2013 by SpiralOut

[coffeebean201]

be there for her

encourage her to report

refuse sex until std check

don't let her disappear into a no-sex lifestyle (same for you)

 

 

sounds like you have a really special relationship together

and she is turning to you in this difficult time (means she loves you)

[Sunshine87]

This is awful. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hope your fiancé will be okay. I cant imagine what you are both going through.

 

Before you get married, you need to sort out a few things.

 

Are you religious? If you are, itld be a good idea to pray together about this- to pray to God to heal you both. Perhaps you could see a trusted pastor who can take you through a prayer of healing. Alternatively, you could say this prayer together :

 

blank

 

If you are not religious, then you need to seek counselling- preferably together! Very soon, you will be one so you must prepare to go through this together.

 

2) Your fear of STDs is definitely warranted. You have a few options. Re:HIV, the standard international testing guideline is a 3 month window period. This means that basically a test taken at or after the window period ( i,e test taken after 3months/12weeks) is considered CONCLUSIVE. This is

with a basic antibody test. However, due to medical advancement, there's a new test called the Duo Combination test . This new test is considered conclusive by many health experts at 6 weeks. So you could opt for to get tested after 6 weeks, Lastly, 99 per cent of HIV positive people will test positive at the 6 week Mark but international testing guidelines still recommend the 3 months mark because not every country uses the more recent types of tests such as the Duo Combo etc. So, the 3 month mark serves to cover all kinds of testing methods old and new. Ensure that your fiancé gets tested after 6 weeks first (using the duo combo) then subsequently after 3 months (using the basic antibody test).

 

3) If she was raped a few days ago, take her to the hospital so she can

take medication that will prevent her from contracting HIV. This medication works in 80 percent of cases. Medication should be taken within the first 72 hours.

 

4) There is an eery pattern going on here. Maybe it's bad luck, maybe it's a bad omen, maybe it's spiritual, maybe your fiancé needs to stop hanging around with psychos. But you need to take steps to ensure that she protects herself from getting into vulnerable positions. It's really puzzling to

me- the situation your described. Is her friend a drug addict?? It just doesn't make sense to me. Why is she still hanging out with such friends? Why did the friend leave her alone with two dangerous men? Was your fiancé drunk? Was there some sort of game going on which spiralled out of control? Was she actually raped?? You need to dig deeper to find out the circumstances because they are important if you are going to spend the rest of your life with her. This is a very sensitive issue so I refuse to make any judgements, but it sounds very strange and you must uncover all the facts to get a clearer picture of things, in order to prepare for the future!

 

I'm really sorry.

Edited April 20, 2013 by Sunshine87

[kingofhearts]

Sexual assault centers teach you (if you read a pamphlet, or visit a website) that trying to force a rape victim to press charges or get treatment just takes power away from them again. They've already had someone take control of their body and now they have to deal with other people telling them how to handle the situation. This is her situation to deal with, her way. I know that you mean well, and I agree that she should get help BUT I don't blame her for resisting your advice. If I were her I would refuse to do anything people tell me, just because I don't like being told what to do. Push at her too hard to get help and she might get angry enough to shut that off as an option altogether.

 

Be there for her, offer your support for whatever choice she makes. Tell her you'll support her if she changes her mind. Then give her time to think about it. If she's not ready to get help, she's not ready. Sounds like feeling loved and supported is what she really needs right now.

 

This website might be helpful. It provides a list of resources for friends/family/partners of sexual assault survivors.

 

 

This sounds exactly like her. She told me in a text today "Let me find myself. Me going away from you is not going to help me. Im a very strong person. Bad things happen and I come back even stronger than before. Im asking you to trust me and just let me take the driver seat on this one."

 

I just hate how she makes it seems like its no big deal. Im like, thats good that you're used to being raped so you've come to terms, but uhhhh.... this isn't normal and I'm not used to having my fiance raped so yeah......

[kingofhearts]

be there for her

encourage her to report

refuse sex until std check

don't let her disappear into a no-sex lifestyle (same for you)

 

 

sounds like you have a really special relationship together

and she is turning to you in this difficult time (means she loves you)

 

It is special. I love her like no one else before and she won't let me go. I just wished this wouldn't have happened.

[kingofhearts]

I was raped on February 11th of this year by a guy I was dating. The first person I called was my ex, I hadn't talked to him in two months, but he was the only person I knew to call at the time. My ex bf came to the rescue to protect me, nurture me and get me back on my feet. It was a horrible experience, but he was by my side after the hour it happened, when the cops were there asking questions, came with me to the hospital to perform the rape kit test and answer questions, he was there for me 110% And he didn't let me out of his sight. I stayed with him for a month afterward and he cuddled me and loved me every night. He took care of me emotionally, mentally and physically. It was an emotionally scary experience for both of us. He definitely showed how upset he was more than I did. I think because he was outside of the situation, while I had lived it.

 

I'm not good with my emotions, I was very embarrassed and I didn't know how to handle this properly. So in turn, I tried to ignore those feelings when really they were haunting me in every thought. I wanted to smile, have fun and enjoy the sunny days, but this horrible thing just happened and I thought by ignoring it and trying to move on it would help me. It didn't.

 

He was and still is extremely bothered by it. He hates the guy who did this to me and wants to hurt him. It's normal for you to feel the way you are feeling. This guy neglected and hurt your girl. Shame on him.

 

My ex and I had sex 2 days after. It wasn't smart because we didn't know if I had any diseases yet. But him and I had been broken up for 2 months before all this happened, and I wanted HIM to be the last guy that was with me that way, not some stranger who didn't care about me. I thought by having sex with someone who loved me it would take away the pain of someone raping me.

 

Sex is still the same for me. I don't relate it to rape. What my rapist did to me had nothing to do with sex, but everything to do with control, pain and abuse. Sex for me is sharing an intimate moment with someone you love, someone who cares about you.

 

Recently, I was in the car with my dad and the song by Nirvana, "Rape Me" came on and it made me so uncomfortable and I froze and couldn't move. I was embarrassed, I was ashamed. My dad immediately turned it off and changed the subject, but it ruined my day after that.

 

I still am very bothered by what happened to me.

 

Every rape victim handles things differently. I don't show my fear or my sadness. I hide it and then when I'm home by myself I let it out. I feel weak and embarrassed. I feel as if it was my fault and I could have prevented it.

 

Right now, you need to be there for your girlfriend. No excuses. Don't think too much about how she is presenting herself, she is trying to stay strong in a moment that made her weak. Give her love, support and your time, because I promise you she really needs it right now.

 

This was really inspiring and gives me hope, but I almost feel like it's too easy for it to happen again and she'll just brush it off like it's no big deal. I'm uncomfortable that she's coming off as the girl to do this to. Is it that easy? She doesn't fight back!... GRrrrrrrr!!! Just..... sigh....

[kingofhearts]

This is awful. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hope your fiancé will be okay. I cant imagine what you are both going through.

 

Before you get married, you need to sort out a few things.

 

Are you religious? If you are, itld be a good idea to pray together about this- to pray to God to heal you both. Perhaps you could see a trusted pastor who can take you through a prayer of healing. Alternatively, you could say this prayer together :

 

blank

 

If you are not religious, then you need to seek counselling- preferably together! Very soon, you will be one so you must prepare to go through this together.

 

2) Your fear of STDs is definitely warranted. You have a few options. Re:HIV, the standard international testing guideline is a 3 month window period. This means that basically a test taken at or after the window period ( i,e test taken after 3months/12weeks) is considered CONCLUSIVE. This is

with a basic antibody test. However, due to medical advancement, there's a new test called the Duo Combination test . This new test is considered conclusive by many health experts at 6 weeks. So you could opt for to get tested after 6 weeks, Lastly, 99 per cent of HIV positive people will test positive at the 6 week Mark but international testing guidelines still recommend the 3 months mark because not every country uses the more recent types of tests such as the Duo Combo etc. So, the 3 month mark serves to cover all kinds of testing methods old and new. Ensure that your fiancé gets tested after 6 weeks first (using the duo combo) then subsequently after 3 months (using the basic antibody test).

 

3) If she was raped a few days ago, take her to the hospital so she can

take medication that will prevent her from contracting HIV. This medication works in 80 percent of cases. Medication should be taken within the first 72 hours.

 

4) There is an eery pattern going on here. Maybe it's bad luck, maybe it's a bad omen, maybe it's spiritual, maybe your fiancé needs to stop hanging around with psychos. But you need to take steps to ensure that she protects herself from getting into vulnerable positions. It's really puzzling to

me- the situation your described. Is her friend a drug addict?? It just doesn't make sense to me. Why is she still hanging out with such friends? Why did the friend leave her alone with two dangerous men? Was your fiancé drunk? Was there some sort of game going on which spiralled out of control? Was she actually raped?? You need to dig deeper to find out the circumstances because they are important if you are going to spend the rest of your life with her. This is a very sensitive issue so I refuse to make any judgements, but it sounds very strange and you must uncover all the facts to get a clearer picture of things, in order to prepare for the future!

 

I'm really sorry.

 

 

Good GOD! FINALLY!!! an answer to the std thing. Which worries me the most. You seem pretty knowledgeable in this and I will take your word for every detail that its worth here. THank you. THank you.

 

Btw, she has a great family to go home to, but chooses to outcast herself and hangs with lowlife's.... I do not get it. Her friend is grimey and smokes weed, but thats about it. Her BF sells drugs and is in and out of jail. Her low life friend is the only person she considers a friend for whatever reason. I'm not quite sure why she left her alone, and she hasn't heard from the friend since, is where the suspicion comes in at. Like it was set up. I don't know. She wasn't drunk. No games. Just comes off as a trap to me. She says she was raped by the two guys after they left, cut and dry. I have to admit that my fiance cant make a smart decision to save her life at times all at the cost of being so stubborn and hot headed. Nice family she can go stay with and she subjects herself to her friend and her nonstop drama train. I DONT GET IT......

[Mack05]

This sounds exactly like her. She told me in a text today "Let me find myself. Me going away from you is not going to help me. Im a very strong person. Bad things happen and I come back even stronger than before. Im asking you to trust me and just let me take the driver seat on this one."

 

I just hate how she makes it seems like its no big deal. Im like, thats good that you're used to being raped so you've come to terms, but uhhhh.... this isn't normal and I'm not used to having my fiance raped so yeah......

 

This is a really hard situation...I would love it if you both would work through this together as a team. Instead it's like she wants to deal with it on her own and then have you support her from afar. Not sure how this strengthens the relationship bond. For me the relationship dynamics are all wrong..

 

I am sure your fiancee is a strong person, but I can't help but feel she is in denial. Why did she meet two guys anyway with a friend. Something just doesn't add up here..I mean if you roll around with pigs...Why hang round with these people?

 

Ok clearly she has retreated into a shell and clearly pushing her to get help will not work. It's clear you don't want to lose her. I guess all you can do is respect her wishes. I still believe this is will come back to haunt the relationship further down the line. Sweeping things under the carpet in a relationship never works.

 

Just be careful. Getting married under this kind of cloud is not a good idea. Hopefully she will eventually agree to get help. I just think its sad she could have put these two evil monsters behind bars. Instead they will go on to rape another innocent victim..That is just wrong and very sad..

Edited April 20, 2013 by Mack05

[Sunshine87]

So what have you decided to do? I assume at this point, since it's too early to take the HIV test, that she has taken other STD tests right? For example Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis etc. ( and she has been vaccinated against Hepatitis B ( if she hasn't taken the vaccine previously).

Medics believe that the chances of a woman contracting HIV from rape is less than 1% and the chances of contracting other STDs from rape is less than 5%. So hopefully she did not contract any disease. But the responsible thing to do is to refrain from unprotected sex with her until she is in the clear. Im in the process of setting up an HIV counselling centre ( as way to give back to the society) so I know a bit about the disease even though I'm a lawyer and not a doctor lol.

 

I understand how puzzling this is for you because rape is no easy feat and it's gracious and kind for you to stand by her through this difficult time. But

for your own sanity and if you are to have a happy future, she needs to get some help. When/if you get married, how would you prevent her from hanging out with her trashy friends? Will this be a source of constant

conflict or friction? If she refuses to make the adequate changes re: the people she hangs out with, will you attempt to *force* her to? Will this be translated as "controlling behaviour" on your part?

 

Generally speaking, how would you rate her judgement? Does she exercise good judgement when taking decisions? Is she a responsible woman? Is

she rebellious? Is she usually open to/ does she take advice and guidance from others? Or is she strong headed? How has this recent unfortunate

incident changed her approach to life? What has she learnt from this

incident?

 

Marriage is a very serious commitment I must reiterate how important it is to really sort out these issues if not they will manifest in some way or the other.

 

Thank God I have never been raped so I cannot claim to understand what she is going through or coping mechanism that she had adopted. But I understand why you are puzzled about her reaction- how unfazed she is by it and her reluctance to get help.

 

Maybe you need to get a third part involved? If you both want this

relationship to work you need to *deal* with it.

 

 

 

 

Good GOD! FINALLY!!! an answer to the std thing. Which worries me the most. You seem pretty knowledgeable in this and I will take your word for every detail that its worth here. THank you. THank you.

 

Btw, she has a great family to go home to, but chooses to outcast herself and hangs with lowlife's.... I do not get it. Her friend is grimey and smokes weed, but thats about it. Her BF sells drugs and is in and out of jail. Her low life friend is the only person she considers a friend for whatever reason. I'm not quite sure why she left her alone, and she hasn't heard from the friend since, is where the suspicion comes in at. Like it was set up. I don't know. She wasn't drunk. No games. Just comes off as a trap to me. She says she was raped by the two guys after they left, cut and dry. I have to admit that my fiance cant make a smart decision to save her life at times all at the cost of being so stubborn and hot headed. Nice family she can go stay with and she subjects herself to her friend and her nonstop drama train. I DONT GET IT......

Edited April 21, 2013 by Sunshine87