Fiance was raped recently. How to move on?

[lolablue17]

she should be determined to make some changes in her life style.

For example, stop seeing friends that shouldnt be trusted, or stop hanging around sleazy persons.

 

Because you aren't just a friend. you are part of the equation, and if she expect your support she should cooperate with your demands about her life style.

 

She can't just tell you to drop it and "let her have the wheel on that matter". you certainly dont trust her "driving" skills.

 

So if she is not willing to cooperate, maybe its a warning sign for you about the future...

[BetheButterfly]

Hello guys. Needing advice once again here. My fiancé was raped recently by two guys. They were friends of her ratchet friend that I don't approve of and really had no business hanging around them. (I almost feel like she was setup but thats besides the point) Anyways, as a man of coarse, its been really hard trying to deal with this. My first question is, does anyone have any advice to cope with this? this is the third time its happened to her. I really want to be by her side, but it feels strange now to continue on, knowing that she has been taken from me.

 

Also, I know this is not the most important factor for the tragedy, but I am now creeped out about intercoarse. She just had two strange men in her and it makes me scared of the unknown (std's). I have a fear of contracting aids or other incurable diseases from all of this. Am I being a little over the top about this? Even with being checked, It takes some time for some diseases to appear…. How long should we I wait to be safe?

 

Regardless she seams uncomfortably unfazed by all of this. With no worries at all. WTF?…

 

I've been really uncomfortable these past few days emotionally. What are your thoughts?

 

Should I continue being with her?

Am I tripping over the whole std fear?

 

I agree with 2sure that going to a rape support group would be a good idea. If she refuses to go with you, is there a way you could go first and talk to other people to see how to help her?

 

I think this is a good site: Help a Loved One | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network

[Seachelle1]

Rape is very isolating. I honestly don't know anyone who wasn't hugely changed after a rape. Everyone is different so everyone will respond differently.

 

As far as needing to go to court: I went to court. The people in my community dragged what happened through discussion forums on the internet as if I were a chew toy. I was put in a room with 5 male lawyers and asked horrible questions for 16 hours (cut into two consecutive days). They videotaped my response. My hands were shaking underneath the table and I tried to kill myself when it was over. I lost all my friends. After I was done I moved to a different country to get away. I didn't speak to my extended family for 3 years after that, a silence that only ended with my father's death.

 

Filing charges is a huge thing. It doesn't make her weak not to go to court where she'll be called a whore or crazy and be re-traumatized.

 

This makes me never want to date again. You weren't the one raped, you are hurting in a very different way. If you don't respect how she is dealing with her life then you need to end the relationship. She deserves respect.

 

You have no clue what it is like to be raped. I believe you care. But this will not work unless you understand you are dating a different person now and that she is doing what she can. Here's an article that may help:

 

In my twin sister?s rape, there were many victims - Washington Post

[amaysngrace]

No offense but maybe you should have done counseling rather than trying to run away from your past.

[Seachelle1]

Hey,

 

I'm sorry that I came across too strong here kingofhearts. I've been treated really badly by people who didn't understand where my pain came from. I felt very misunderstood and had a knee jerk reaction when I read the thread.

 

I know you're hurting too. I am so sorry for your pain. I know from the men who have loved me and have tried to help me through my crap that it isn't an easy road.

 

Mack, I really respect you but I strongly disagree with some of what you are saying. I agree that I'm responsible for my actions and that nobody is required to stand by me as I work through having been raped. (I was raped both as a child and as an adult.) I would hope they would but if they hold it against me and don't respect how I do things then it is better they move along.

 

I disagree that all women should report. I think you are speaking as a man from the UK where victims are not put through the grill like here in the US. It's so very bad for rape victims here to testify. I can't even describe it. And then, if I'm ever subpoenaed, I have to go to jail if I refuse to answer any questions. One of the things my ex-church did was subpoena some of the victims of the perp to hurt me. I knew it would hurt the other victims and I was unprepared to go through with the civil suit if the other victims would be unwillingly dragged in. There had already been a suicide with one of the victims, someone I'd known since I was 6 months old. The courts are a cruel, amoral hell for rape victims. There's a reason so few women come forward.

 

One thing: there is a victim's assistance fund for those who testify. If counseling money is an issue you really should look into it. I went to the courts because I had no health insurance. I knew I would die if I couldn't get counseling. So far I've spent almost 25,000 in therapy. It isn't cheap. I wouldn't have been able to do it if I hadn't sued.

 

STD's are super straight forward. Get a blood test. Take plan B (except now Plan B is too late). I looked into it in my city where there is no funding and it was going to be 120 at Planned Parenthood. It'll take about two weeks to get the results back. She might want to take Xanax before the appt or marijuana if she has panic when people touch her or just panic because she feels out of control of the situation. It's what I do when I have gyno appointments. It doesn't affect the results.

[Seachelle1]

No offense but maybe you should have done counseling rather than trying to run away from your past.

 

You're talking to yourself from here on out. Buh-bye.

[ascendotum]

This was really inspiring and gives me hope, but I almost feel like it's too easy for it to happen again and she'll just brush it off like it's no big deal. I'm uncomfortable that she's coming off as the girl to do this to. Is it that easy? She doesn't fight back!... GRrrrrrrr!!! Just..... sigh....

 

In your boots I would have a very hard time just sweeping this incident under the rug like your gf wants. While I understand the comments from a couple of the women that this is how she is dealing with it by pushing it to the back of her mind, it would be hard for me to do and I would have the same thoughts as you express. I would be going around to her skeezy friend's place and bashing down the door to find out exactly what the **** she knows. I think talk of a setup is too much given she's supposed to be her friend. There is a chance her friend knows nothing of this incident which occurred while she went out take care of some other business, but I'd want to know what the **** went down and who the **** those 2 guys were. Thoughts of revenge would be in my mind. What you may find is that the guys claim she never stopped them. From her past experience she may have froze up when these guys started to come on to her and she meekly lay there. Maybe they all had a few bongs and she was stoned. (the incident wont stand up in court, hence an element to her wanting to just put this in the past).

 

While I don't necessarily agree with the poster that said she's a 'time bomb', I feel this incident (and the other 2) will impact on your relationship down the line, unless she can mentally process it (which for some women is very very difficult). Maybe major mood swings, provocative behavior, depression & anxiety (drinking, xanax, ADs), inability to cope with stress and hold down jobs.

I'd try and get her to reunite with her family & supportive friends and to break away from her deadbeat friends. I try to get her to counselling at some point and to involve her in activities that bring her joy (whatever she loves..weekend away, hiking, water skiing, beach, gym, art classes, etc).

[stillafool]

The guys that raped your fiance need to be prosecuted. They will probably do this to another woman if nothing is done. So sorry for your situation.

[pcplod]

I hate to say it but I wonder if your girlfriend was set up by her so-called girlfriend to pay off a debt, a drug debt for example. It might not be the case but it has been known to happen, to allow something like this to happen as a payment in kind. Usually it is a man 'passing along' the woman in his life in such circumstances but I guess that anything is possible.

 

All I can suggest is that you need to try to stay strong. Try to steer her through this experience by not seeing things as you do, but as she does. However, that does not mean that you can't or shouldn't point out to her how she MAY have been set up and used. You should be able to say "I think that you need to consider the possibility that you have been set up by 'X' for all this". You can also suggest that counselling/therapy is something that she may want to consider at any point in the future, if not now, if she feels that any aspect of this experience or past experiences starts to impinge on her psychologically. Therapy after all, is like hypnosis, you have to be open to the possibility of it's merit if it is to have any practical benefit at all. If you are resistant to it, then there is little point in pursuing it because you won't be receptive to the process.

[BetheButterfly]

Rape is very isolating. I honestly don't know anyone who wasn't hugely changed after a rape. Everyone is different so everyone will respond differently.

 

I am so sorry you were raped. I don't know why some men are so unLoving and uncaring.

 

As far as needing to go to court: I went to court. The people in my community dragged what happened through discussion forums on the internet as if I were a chew toy.

I was put in a room with 5 male lawyers

:mad: Why were there no female lawyers there??? Women, we need to get on the ball and make sure at least 1 female lawyer is in every rape case involving a female being raped!!! I'm not mad at you Seashelle. I'm mad that there were no female lawyers who were there. That is unacceptable.

 

 

and asked horrible questions for 16 hours (cut into two consecutive days). They videotaped my response. My hands were shaking underneath the table and I tried to kill myself when it was over. I lost all my friends. After I was done I moved to a different country to get away. I didn't speak to my extended family for 3 years after that, a silence that only ended with my father's death.

I'm so sorry. That's horrible. You are so brave though. I am so proud of you for surviving and seeking justice.

 

Filing charges is a huge thing. It doesn't make her weak not to go to court where she'll be called a whore or crazy and be re-traumatized.

This is a huge problem... rape victims' integrity seems to always get attacked and scrutinized in every possible light.

 

This makes me never want to date again.

 

You weren't the one raped, you are hurting in a very different way. If you don't respect how she is dealing with her life then you need to end the relationship. She deserves respect.

You have no clue what it is like to be raped. I believe you care. But this will not work unless you understand you are dating a different person now and that she is doing what she can. Here's an article that may help:

 

In my twin sister?s rape, there were many victims - Washington Post

Thanks for sharing this article. How are you doing? Hugs.

[serial muse]

Btw, she has a great family to go home to, but chooses to outcast herself and hangs with lowlife's.... I do not get it. Her friend is grimey and smokes weed, but thats about it. Her BF sells drugs and is in and out of jail. Her low life friend is the only person she considers a friend for whatever reason. I'm not quite sure why she left her alone, and she hasn't heard from the friend since, is where the suspicion comes in at. Like it was set up. I don't know. She wasn't drunk. No games. Just comes off as a trap to me. She says she was raped by the two guys after they left, cut and dry. I have to admit that my fiance cant make a smart decision to save her life at times all at the cost of being so stubborn and hot headed. Nice family she can go stay with and she subjects herself to her friend and her nonstop drama train. I DONT GET IT......

 

Well, didn't you say that her first rape was by a family member? I understand that that particular person was put behind bars, but it seems entirely likely that going home to her family wouldn't exactly make her feel more safe. It's possible it would just jet her back to a time when she had no control at all. Living with her family might be triggering and she's clearly trying to get some emotional distance.

 

I don't know about these friends of hers, they do sound unsafe for her too. But are they by any chance long-term friends who she felt supported her in the past, during her previous trauma(s)?

 

I'm not judging what's right or wrong for her to do here. But I do think it would help for you to try to see this through her eyes, OP - there's more than one way of dodging "danger" and seeking "safety".

[seren]

There are many, many women and some men who don't report rape, some of us are ashamed, fear others knowing, I at 13 feared my father actually killing the men and going to prison, I was repeatedly raped over a 4 year period by one of the men, disassociation is common for people who have been abused and raped. My husband was the first person I told and that was 20 years afterwards. he was very angry which in turn made me angry as I felt it was my anger, rational? no and of course it wouldn't be as I had put it into a box marked, don't go there.

 

No one gets over rape, there are triggers that can make it all feel like yesterday. But, a person can learn to live with it. Having a destructive, chaotic lifestyle can be common for rape survivors, very often they feel that they don't deserve an ordinary, happy life, especially when their self esteem is in the toilet. Rape crisis centres are the best places to go. I volunteer at one and it is always surprising how few report it, maybe if the system was different more would, but talking to those who have walked that road and sharing coping skills helps.

[whichwayisup]

You're so right here. I've been trying my best. She's been through counseling before and have told me that it really didn't help much. I've approached her about counseling when sex was the issue and even gave the ultimatum of leaving if she doesn't get it. She still refused. I believe she was 14 the first time around. She doesn't know the guys who did it.... This has been very hard and exhausting on me. Her only concern and comfort is being with me and moving on.....

 

Then she didn't have the right therapist.

 

I suggest you go to counseling on your own to figure out a way to handle this and maybe in time, she can join you. Just make sure the T you use is a woman.

 

Sorry that this has happened to her, nobody should have to go through this, let alone 3 times.

[AlexDP]

I am so sorry you were raped. I don't know why some men are so unLoving and uncaring.

 

:mad: Why were there no female lawyers there??? Women, we need to get on the ball and make sure at least 1 female lawyer is in every rape case involving a female being raped!!! I'm not mad at you Seashelle. I'm mad that there were no female lawyers who were there. That is unacceptable.

 

Given the fact that you choose your own lawyer, there can be a female lawyer in every rape case if you want to.

 

Don't talk about things you don't have a clue about BtB. You know nothing about law and how procedures work, so it's best to keep quiet.

[amaysngrace]

Besides, female jurors are far more important.

 

Are you being a jackass on purpose on a sensitive topic?

 

Or are you just not that bright?

[AlexDP]

Are you being a jackass on purpose on a sensitive topic?

 

Or are you just not that bright?

 

Unfortunately from a legal point of view he's not that wrong..

[amaysngrace]

Unfortunately from a legal point of view he's not that wrong..

 

From a psychologists point of view he's very wrong.

 

Not reporting it is overwhelmingly common. And just because someone chooses not to report it and press charges does not make the rape victim a liar.

[amaysngrace]

Actually, I'm a week away from graduating law school and you clearly have no idea what you're talking about in regards to jury selection.

 

What does this comment have to do with jury selection:

 

I question whether or not a rape really happened if the person isn't willing to press charges. I just don't see how you let that go.

 

If someone doesn't press charges it isn't going to a jury.

 

You clearly lack the understanding of the psyche of a rape victim. I sincerely hope that you aren't planning to practice criminal law.

Edited April 28, 2013 by amaysngrace

[AlexDP]

What does this comment have to do with jury selection:

 

 

 

If someone doesn't press charges it isn't going to a jury.

 

You clearly lack the understanding of the psyche of a rape victim. I sincerely hope that you aren't planning to practice criminal law.

 

I think he was talking about two several issues here.

 

amaysngrace, I suggest you look up in dubio pro reo. As a lawyer you are trained to look at evidence, especially in criminal cases. If you don't press charges as a rape victim, that does plead against you if you go to court later on. Especially because in the recent past there have been a lot of cases with people blatantly lying about being molested as a child or raped as an adult, just attention and damages.

[Taramere]

This was really inspiring and gives me hope, but I almost feel like it's too easy for it to happen again and she'll just brush it off like it's no big deal. I'm uncomfortable that she's coming off as the girl to do this to. Is it that easy? She doesn't fight back!... GRrrrrrrr!!! Just..... sigh....

 

What do you feel her options are? If she reports it, she's going to be put through the wringer by the legal system. The prospect of her seeing justice at the end of all that additional trauma is fairly remote - and meantime she'll be increasing the likelihood of further punishment being inflicted on her by the people who did this/their associates.

 

Should she arrange for somebody to bump the perpetrators off, or beat them up so badly that they're permanently incapacitated? That's realistically only an option for women who have the kind of connections/money (preferably both) to carry something like that off and get away with it. Also, obviously, it's a criminal offence as it's only permissible to kill a rapist while they're in the act of attacking you and you have no means of escape.

 

I guess she could learn self defence in the hope of moving beyond any psychological barriers that would prevent her from trying to kill or maim a person who is attacking her...but that's not necessarily going to help her if she's being attacked by somebody who's a lot stronger than her and has a weapon.

 

So what do you want her to do to fight back? Can you fix it for some sort of justice to be visited on the people who did this to her? If not, then perhaps you should accept that she isn't in a position to get justice/protect herself either. There are no easy answers to the problem of rape, but blaming the victim for their inability to fight back is a pretty low coping mechanism.

[Seachelle1]

Bethe:

 

Thanks for being kind. It's still hard to talk about everything and when people criticize my choices it is very hard. I actually went to counseling after the lawsuit and while I wasn't talking to my extended family. I found it very difficult to visit my childhood town during that period. When I went to visit my immediate family I stayed in a city 45 miles away from where they lived so there would be no chance of running into the perp or the people who turned their backs on me.

 

 

To everyone:

Have any of you read 'Lucky' by Alice Sebold?