Men!

[disconcertainly]

My boyfriend lives in a college town so of course there are lots of pretty girls in town. Today as we were walking up his apartment steps he totally turned around to look at the girls walking down the stairs. This hurt my feelings and made me feel awful, I talked to him about it, his excuse to me was "I thought you dropped something so I had to turn around and look down the stairs". I am just totally upset about this. I love my boyfriend very much and we have been together for about 1year and 9 months. I give him everything he could possible want sexual and materal wise. I guess I am just totally confused and want someone elses point of view.

[hugznkisses21]

i hate when my bf does that too....but an older friend of mine gave me some wise advice...she said is he is only looking and its infront of you...that tells u something. And then I thought...hes only looking, we look and he knows what he has and loves what he has. If he is doing it infront of u its a good sign

Truth is even if they say they dont look...they do

[disconcertainly]

I understand the fact that they are human and as long as they have 2 heads to think with they are going to use it!! I just wish he would not make it so........i would notice. It just makes me feel as if I am nothing or not as pretty as I should be, BTW thats totally wrong and I should not feel that way at. I mean why should he do it while he is with me in person.

[JoL]

I've never dated a guy who has done that in front of me- so I can't say I know how it feels...

BUT

If my boyfriend did do it in front of me- i would hate it! Blatantly admiring someone while in the pressence of your partner is not only rude, it's insulting.

 

I'm sure a person can acknowledge someone is good looking without it being a big deal (Whether he is with you at the time or not)..as long as that's ALL it is. But doing it when you're right there is just downright disrespectful to you as a person.

[LittleMiss]

All guys are going to look...it's the touching that counts. As long as it's looking I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I think some girls are the same way. I like to look when I see a guy that I think is hot. Girls just have more respect and won't do it in front of their bf.

[Someoneguy]

Im a guy so let me tell you first hand..... EVERY guy looks (at least 99.9%). We have to and I don't know why we have to, but its innocent. Also, I would never do that in front of my girlfriend, or at least try not to get caught. It would just hurt her for no reason.

[netrie]

ABOUT MY EX: I only noticed he "looked" one time...and that was right before he broke up with me in April----a couple of weeks, and then he wanted me back and I changed my phone # and he tried to get back and we did get back and broke and back etc.

 

Back to the TOPIC---- It was strange that I had noticed this. He was so blatant as if I was not there. A part of me felt a sting of insult but I am the type to just see "how far he'll take it" and then he will have to suffer the consequences (e.g., my breaking up or losing complete respect for him, etc.).

 

The interesting thing was that I am the one always "hit" on by the opposite sex moreso than he is and I think this really bothered him more than anything. I am considered very attractive and I say this modestly. I also say this because it seemed like all of a sudden he would put himself down frequently or say he didn't look good or that he felt too old---all sorts of self-hate or put downs. It really bothered me. I started to think, OH NO! Please God, don't let this guy turn on himself and turn out to be a judgemental cruel SOB (as I know these types always turn their own self-hate onto their loved ones very soon after they hate their lives or anger issues are unresolved). He is only 46, but very handsome; successful w/ a Phd.; a Berkeley Univ graduate.

 

But LOW self-esteem. I cannot understand it. I started to think that I was to blame and that maybe I was making him feel "less" of a man. He knew that some men hit on me---mutual friends and he would bring it up a lot. He would ask me if I was hit on all of the time... It was so SAD for me to see him pull away from me slowly and then fall into a conflict. I was so crazy about this guy---I think I was in love with him.

 

But he fell into this self-doubt and started to want to get sex outside of "us." And he wanted to have his EGO built up... Sad.

 

For me, it is difficult to be with someone who does not "like" him/herself. It reflects on me. And as the old saying goes, Insecure People Turn into Spiteful People if they have little self-respect. And even more, if they feel "LESS" than you do as a whole, jealous of you as a person and the attention you get such as my case, then they may try to make you feel like sh_t just as they are feeling about themselves.

 

I find the jealous and insecure and the self-hatred types to be VERY DANGEROUS people to be around.

 

warmest regards, Netalia

 

[color=red]Stay away from people with colds and angry people. Both are contagious... [/color]

[Moose]

But LOW self-esteem. I cannot understand it. I started to think that I was to blame and that maybe I was making him feel "less" of a man. He knew that some men hit on me---mutual friends and he would bring it up a lot. He would ask me if I was hit on all of the time... It was so SAD for me to see him pull away from me slowly and then fall into a conflict. I was so crazy about this guy---I think I was in love with him.

 

Geeeez!!! It was so SAD huh? What did you do, stand there and let it happen? He needed reassurance from you did you ignore that? You could've helped him out on that you know it? I think what you did, or didn't do is the SAD fact.

 

As far as men looking, yes, we all do!!! It's a natural thing. I look even if my wife is with me. She looks whenever I'm with her. I didn't used to be so secure in our relationship.....but she stuck by me and built my confidence up. She's the reason I am who I am today because she stood by me, and convinced me she wasn't going anywhere.

 

I can understand why you'd get upset, you're naturally going to think he's comparing you to her. He's not.....he's just a hunter....and like all hunters, we normally check out our prey before the kill. You're already with him and by his side so you're thinking he shouldn't be on the hunt anymore. And that's just it, he's not. Even if he's looking at other women, he's not seeking to capture them. It's just an instinct.

[savethedrama4allama]

Please don't generalize- not all guys are like that. A naked girl could throw a rock at my ex-husband's head and he wouldn't look.

 

Of course, that counted for me too, in my sexiest underwear.

[netrie]

Hi Moose!

 

So sarcastic!

 

Of course I did NOT stand there and let it happen. You OBVIOUSLY misread my whole point. I was very supportive and STILL AM to this day. I saw him the other day and we are still "caring" because I AM COMPASSIONATE and forgiving and caring, and he knows this.

 

So, back off and read the whole thing next time---ya big moose! LOL. Good name for you and I am kidding about that last part! he he.

 

Please do not get so defensive and make sure you READ the whole posting before you jump out and attack.

 

Warmest regards,

 

Netalia

[InmannRoshi]

We have to and I don't know why we have to, but its innocent.

 

Google the "Coolidge Effect". Its all well documented biology.

 

Of course, its male biology .. so its of course ugly, wrong and evil and men should be ashamed of having thousands of years of inherent evolutionary wiring.

 

Unlike the beautiful and natural female biology of the blossoming, nurturing, complexity and the inner clock and whatnot.

[Moose]

Netrie,

 

Please do not get so defensive and make sure you READ the whole posting before you jump out and attack.

 

I read the whole thing....Sorry if you got insulted, but please, the topic is MEN, since I am one.....let me explain to you why I got so defensive:

 

ABOUT MY EX: I only noticed he "looked" one time...and that was right before he broke up with me in April----a couple of weeks, and then he wanted me back and I changed my phone # and he tried to get back and we did get back and broke and back etc.

 

Back to the TOPIC---- It was strange that I had noticed this. He was so blatant as if I was not there. A part of me felt a sting of insult but I am the type to just see "how far he'll take it" and then he will have to suffer the consequences (e.g., my breaking up or losing complete respect for him, etc.).

 

So far, according to what this says, you only noticed him looking at another woman once. Then you broke up, got back together, off again and on again......how come the issue never came up? Was there an attempt to clear it up? From your second paragraph you sat back and wanted to see how far he'd take it and then judging on that, you would punish him accordingly, even to the point of breaking up with him again.

 

Instead, you should've sat him down, got his attention, and explain to him how you felt about it.

 

The interesting thing was that I am the one always "hit" on by the opposite sex moreso than he is and I think this really bothered him more than anything. I am considered very attractive and I say this modestly. I also say this because it seemed like all of a sudden he would put himself down frequently or say he didn't look good or that he felt too old---all sorts of self-hate or put downs. It really bothered me. I started to think, OH NO! Please God, don't let this guy turn on himself and turn out to be a judgemental cruel SOB (as I know these types always turn their own self-hate onto their loved ones very soon after they hate their lives or anger issues are unresolved). He is only 46, but very handsome; successful w/ a Phd.; a Berkeley Univ graduate.

 

Let me tell you from experience, my wife is a little hottie, she gets hit on so much she doesn't even realize when a guy is hitting on her. Men react differently to this. Some men get turned on by it.....some men get angry by it, some men get insecure by it. And usually, there's no in between, it's one or the other. I'm one of those men who get insecure about it. I used to believe that if the right guy hits on my wife that she'd run off and leave me for him. It's a real feeling.....a scary feeling. I would begin to imagine her with someone else, my heart felt like it would stop, it was a real phobia. And here you say, "I started to think, OH NO! Please God, don't let this guy turn out to be a judgemental cruel SOB.........what's that suppossed to mean???? I used to believe I wasn't worthy to have such a hottie as a wife, to top it off, she was THE best friend I could ever have!! Her beauty was a curse to me! I wanted to be everything for her! It would kill me to think that she thought there was someone better looking or more her type and that she could be with that guy instead.

 

But LOW self-esteem. I cannot understand it. I started to think that I was to blame and that maybe I was making him feel "less" of a man. He knew that some men hit on me---mutual friends and he would bring it up a lot. He would ask me if I was hit on all of the time... It was so SAD for me to see him pull away from me slowly and then fall into a conflict. I was so crazy about this guy---I think I was in love with him.

 

Yes, you can call it LOW self-esteem, and the only thing you need to understand about it is that it's a real condition. And truthfully, if you had any thoughts at all that you could be causing him to feel less of a man, chances are....you were. I don't mean to say that you weren't doing anything, that's just the impression that I got from your post. I feel like he was pulling away from you because he wasn't getting any confidence from the way you acted towards him.

 

But he fell into this self-doubt and started to want to get sex outside of "us." And he wanted to have his EGO built up... Sad.

 

Yes, it IS sad....sad that you weren't doing this for him. I got over my insecurities, and over the low self esteem by communicating to my wife how I feel. How it made me feel when she gets hit on.....when she gets asked out for dinner 3 to 4 times a weeks by perfect strangers.....and we worked it out. Just last weekend at my brother's wedding a bunch of our childhood friends and family were there that she's never met. People would ask her what she was doing with a putz like me? I know they were joking, maybe some of them weren't...doesn't matter. What matters is how she responds now. She builds me up right then and there in front of them. She would say things like, "Well, he's my putz and I love him", or "There's noone else I'd rather be with"......where before she probably would've said things like, "Someone has to take care of him", or, "Nobody else would take him".

 

By her doing these things for me demonstrates the true love she has for me. It's built me up, I'm no longer insecure....I'm not worried about her going anywhere. I now know that she's with me for life. I'm not one of those people that, YOU, find difficult to be with.

 

For me, it is difficult to be with someone who does not "like" him/herself. It reflects on me.

 

For me, it is difficult to be with someone who, "Likes" him/herself. It deprives me.

 

And as the old saying goes, Insecure People Turn into Spiteful People if they have little self-respect.

 

People who are over confident and stuck on themselves tend to have NO respect,....... for anyone.

 

And even more, if they feel "LESS" than you do as a whole, jealous of you as a person and the attention you get such as my case, then they may try to make you feel like sh_t just as they are feeling about themselves.

 

The people you are talking about aren't dealing with the issue correctly, and could use a friends help dealing with it. In my case, it wasn't because I felt that I was LESS than my wife, and I wasn't JEALOUS of her either.......where to you get off saying that these people feel like that???? You really do think this song is about you don't you? I didn't feel LESS than her, I may of felt below her standards sometimes, but not below her as a person. I wasn't Jealous of her.....how vane!! I was fearful that she may leave.....that's not jealousy.

 

I find the jealous and insecure and the self-hatred types to be VERY DANGEROUS people to be around.

 

I'm really sorry that you feel this way. Truthfully, I'm glad that not all do. Thankfully my wife isn't that way, and for that....I no longer fall into your catagory of VERY DANGEROUS people.

 

Of course I did NOT stand there and let it happen. You OBVIOUSLY misread my whole point. I was very supportive and STILL AM to this day. I saw him the other day and we are still "caring" because I AM COMPASSIONATE and forgiving and caring, and he knows this.

 

Nowhere in your original post did I read you were being supportive.......I OBVIOUSLY must be blind........I don't think I misread your point at all.

 

So, back off and read the whole thing next time---ya big moose! LOL. Good name for you and I am kidding about that last part! he he.

 

Thanks for the compliment.....I think......

 

Please do not get so defensive and make sure you READ the whole posting before you jump out and attack.

 

Did one of the mods cut something out? This wasn't an attack netrie.....these were my perceptions I gathered from your post. I'm sure that you're a great person....and that you have all the warmest intentions....I'm just telling you and everyone else my opinion and thoughts.

 

I don't mean any dis-respect, and I don't want to make anyone angry.....I'm just calling it the way I see it.

[fredrolin]

I check out other women all the time. If I am with my wife I do it in a manner in which she doesn't realize it. It takes alot of practice and helps to wear dark glasses.

 

It's human nature to look but as long as he doesn't touch, what's the harm?

 

You don't own his mind...stop being so insecure.

[InmannRoshi]

I was reading an article last night about the alarming number of children who are diagnosed with ADD and given Ritalin. The title on the article read “Are We Over-Medicating Our Children?”. A valid question, I feel. However, I ran across an interesting statistic in the article. Adolescent males are 10 times more likely to be diagnosed with ADD than their female counterparts. So, its really not children in general we're over-medicating ... just the boys. So are all of these adolescent boys truly suffering from a behavioral disorder? Or are they just boys displaying innate aggressive behaviors that boys of that age have been participating in since the beginning of time. At 29, I’m the most docile, bookish, introverted person you’ll ever meet. Yet, at 10 years old I was got into the occasional fistfights. I particpated in horseplay with my friends. One of the favorite pasttimes for our neighborhood group of boys to get on our bikes and ride out to an old abandoned wrecked car lot about a 2 miles outside of our neighborhood. We would take out our baseball bats and knock out all the windshields and headlights and just generally beat up on those old abandoned wrecked cars. No reason to it really, other than we just liked to smash stuff. It was benign and harmless stuff, yet, I can’t help but wonder if we would have all been diagnosed with ADD and given Ritalin today for such actions.

 

It causes one to wonder how long it will be before the “Oprah-ization” of America reaches the point where all innate, biological male behavior .. whether it be juvenille male horseplay or adult male sexuality ... is seen as a deviancy, a disorder and a sickness.

[fredrolin]

Originally posted by InmannRoshi

 

It causes one to wonder how long it will be before the “Oprah-ization” of America reaches the point where all innate, biological male behavior .. whether it be juvenille male horseplay or adult male sexuality ... is seen as a deviancy, a disorder and a sickness.

 

 

This way of thinking is already here.

 

Some people believe that if you drink 2 beers in one sitting you are an alcoholic.

 

If you call a black person "black" instead of "African-American" you are a bigot.

 

If a guy jacks off to a porno movie he is a rotten pervert and his wife thinks he has a sexual problem.

 

It goes on and on.

[netrie]

Hey Moose!

 

Very interesting. You took my posting PERSONAL. Well, perhaps you would need a lot more info, more than I care to write, in order to understand. I triggered a nerve in you...

 

Our breakup, ex and I, had NOTHING to do with the original posting "looking at other women type of thing" but in fact I was just typing on and perhaps it triggered a thought in me and I spilled things out, my perception!

 

My ex bf may have insecurities and worries about men hitting on me, but I always made him feel like the man. If he thinks otherwise--heck! Idont know it. I can only guess, Was that the problem? I also have insecurities just as well but I cannot read minds either. If someone has a problem with me, jealousy etc., I would like to talk about it. I am open to talking anytime but too bad he just could'nt get it!

 

I was there for him all of the time, anytime, night or day.

 

And you sound like you have some big time issues in this area----not feeling quite up to your wife's standards? Well, look inside of you and you will find the truth. Your wife cannot make you feel good about you nor bad. Its up to you and how you react...

 

So long,

 

Netalia

[Moose]

And you sound like you have some big time issues in this area----not feeling quite up to your wife's standards? Well, look inside of you and you will find the truth. Your wife cannot make you feel good about you nor bad. Its up to you and how you react...

 

One word:

 

[color=blue][/color]WRONG!!!

[VivianLee]

I don't think looking is wrong for a male or female, married or unmarried.....some people don't mind it being done in front of them, others would rather it not happen in front of them...

 

I'm the type that doesn't like it to happen in front of me. It's not really a jealousy as much as it's just my ego....I want to feel like I'm getting 100% of the attention.....away from me or at least in a way I don't notice, I'm fine....and if I catch him...I'm okay but I'd rather not see it. I try not to let him see me looking. Now back in the day...I was so weird, I didn't want him so much as know that other women existed....but I grew up!

[tiki]

Originally posted by JoL

Blatantly admiring someone while in the pressence of your partner is not only rude, it's insulting.

 

I'm sure a person can acknowledge someone is good looking without it being a big deal (Whether he is with you at the time or not)..as long as that's ALL it is. But doing it when you're right there is just downright disrespectful to you as a person.

 

- agreed, wouldn't have a man that acted otherwise.

[FolderWife]

I just wanna brag a little here:

 

My husband looked at porn so much he couldn't make love to me. BUT, whenever I was/am around, he doesn't look at porn, pictures, other women, actresses, NOTHING! The only time he'll look at a woman when I'm around, is if I say, "Look at that woman." And he'll look and give me his honest opinion.

 

I had him look at some undies in a magazine the other day. I said, "Do you like those?" He made a face. Then he said, "Oh, you mean the underwear?" I said, "Yeah" Then, he sat and stared at them until I turned the page. So he was looking at her, because I pretty much told him too. I pointed out a playmate in playboy waaaaaaaaay back when we still looked at that stuff, and told him I thought she was ugly.

 

So MY man, who doesn't respect me in a lot of ways (aka, lying about porn) respects me enough as his one and only to not look at other women when I'm around.

 

One time he asked me to try on a sexy shirt, and said, "All the guys will be staring at you." I said, "Would you stare at a girl dressed like this?" He said, "Heck yeah!" I said, "With me there?" He said, "No, not when I'm with you, because I respect you, but if you're not around..." at first I got offended...but then I realized that I do it too. If my husband is around, he's the only guy I see...I don't want him feeling bad, because I'm looking at some guy with bigger muscles. Now, when our new office building was being built, and there were hot, tanned, buff construction guys walking around, yoooooooooooooooou better BELIEVE that I stared...you also better believe that me and the girls sat around discussing various body parts.

 

So in conclusion, just ask your guy not to do it in your presence...since he doesn't have enough sense to figure that out on his own. If he can't control his urge to glance when you're around, then in my opinion, he doesn't respect you, and therefore doesn't deserve you.

 

It is perfectly normal to look....we all do it. But when we are with the person we love, it should be expected that we don't look at other people that way.