I hit my fiance (first time) and he broke it off

[Archgirl]

I have a violent streak that scares the sh*t out of me. Never yet directed at someone I love. But I do have that potential.

 

I learnt early in my teens to deal constructively with strong emotions and channel them into something productive and healthy.

 

Try to see this as a blessing and an opportunity to better yourself and be happier.

 

Beacuse Im 100% certain this is not the only time you have been overwhelmed by powerful emotions and been cast to the depths of despair because how you dealt with them ruined something valuable.

 

Get help. Not to win him back but to save yourself from what your will end up becoming.

[Radu]

You're lucky he didn't file assault charges. Be thankful for this, if nothing else.

 

It's also time to review your own behaviours within the relationship. Physical abuse usually doesn't come from nowhere. Domestic violence is a build up where it begins with emotional abuse and ramps up to violence.

 

Also review the relationship dynamics. Quite often the person being abused comes from an abusive background where they sometimes subconsciously agitate for abuse since this equals love. It's a prime example of Pavlovian conditioning where repetitive hurt and pain during foundational years can reroute the brain.

 

This really.

 

There's something ... off, in your description of the events.

I can see why he would be this pissed, i can see why he would be annoyed, and quite frankly i've posted and advocated against female abuse, that should be punished [including going to the Police and filing assault charges], but something is off about this.

You two have been together for 4yrs, engaged for 6months and were getting married soon.

 

His lack of response, and willingness to discuss this either comes from what tbf mentioned, abuse in his background, in which case i would hardly blame him [i had some as well] and in his mind you are now 'ugly' for doing this, or he doesn't want to get married anyway.

Provided this NC from him continues.

 

And like you were told, saying 'i won't do this again' doesn't mean a damn thing.

Do like archie mentioned, get help for this.

Maybe this will work for you two, maybe it won't ... but the potential to be abusive is alive in you.

Do not disregard this, do not dismiss it.

[Star Gazer]

So there is no hope at all? I'm really sorry. This was way off my character and have never done this ever. Just want him to know it won't ever happen again but he's still not replying.

 

How can you say it will never happen again?

 

Before this happened, you probably would have said it wouldn't happen in the first place.

 

[carhill]

But I'm sorry. Why doesn't he see this?

 

What he sees and how he feels is within him. We have no idea or understanding of his perspective but can offer our own experiences.

 

Apologies if I missed your ages. How old are you and he? It appears you've been together for four years, so early 20's anyway. Given the apparently pivotal role his mother is playing here, experience indicates younger, as men generally erect boundaries with their parents as they age.

 

My advice would be to make the counseling call Monday, get in at your earliest opportunity, and continue to seek peer support here. Good luck.

[tbf]

Does anyone ever notice the pattern of why MILs and DILs don't get along? Most often it's because both are trying to gain control of the man in the middle and dislike each other for competitive reasons.

 

Do you fit this pattern, SobbingRobin?

[M30USA]

Does anyone ever notice the pattern of why MILs and DILs don't get along? Most often it's because both are trying to gain control of the man in the middle and dislike each other for competitive reasons.

 

Do you fit this pattern, SobbingRobin?

 

Bingo.

 

Every controlling and abusive woman I've ever seen ALWAYS has big issues with their MIL.

[HokeyReligions]

Hence why I'm going to set up an appointment with campus counselor sometime next week. Do you think he'll come around and reconsider if he sees I'm making changes and actually seeking help, doing everything to make sure I never hit anyone again?

you should be getting help for yourself because you want to change your self not as a ploy to get him back I wish you well

[M30USA]

you should be getting help for yourself because you want to change your self not as a ploy to get him back I wish you well

 

Doing such a thing is typically hard for controlling people. They view everything in life as a means to an end. They don't see any inherent value in improving their character for its own sake--only if it results in a gain of some sort for them. (Which just furthers the problem of their controlling behavior.)

[M30USA]

If you are telling him things you are saying here, he may be happy he missed a bullet.

 

You are not taking responsibility. Yes you are sorry, but you say things like, you weren't yourself and such. If that's the case..your not actually taking accountability. You are making excuses. This may just well piss him off even more.

 

Sounds to me like you turned into bridezilla and you just scared off the man of your dreams because of how you wanted your wedding.

 

Find a man who is okay with getting his arse beaten. I say that with zero sarcasm. A man like that would be a better match for you.

[MissBee]

I just lost everything. I don't know how to win him back. Well we've been having some arguments lately (I guess we were both anxious about the wedding, cost, issues with his mother, etc) and this time things got a bit tense. This is where I punched him in the eye and he just said the relationship is now dead to him and how I would have probably left him right away if vice-versa so why should he stay.

 

I've been trying to apologize ever since it happened but he wouldn't let me explain at all. I've never hit anyone in my life nor have ever been abused. I don't know what happened. He canceled the wedding and everything. I'm trying to contact him and explain what happened. No replies, nothing. I really feel bad. Is there a way to fix this?

 

I want him back. I don't know what the hell was I thinking but I didn't mean it. Like I say I've never hit anyone ever. First time I hit someone and it had to be the man I love.

 

But I'm sorry. Why doesn't he see this?

 

You may be genuinely sorry, however, this may just be the price you have to pay for losing your cool to the point of physical violence.

 

You may be a woman, but it's no different.

 

Most abusive people say they are sorry and maybe mean it but then do it again. Some, maybe they don't, but who wants to chance it? If I was engaged to a man who punched me in the eye and tried to apologize, I would indeed not marry him and would want to have nothing to do with him. I would feel foolish to attempt to continue our relationship. All trust, security, everything would be gone.

 

This is probably how your ex-fiance feels and I do not blame him. I truly am sorry that you did this and this was the result but you may just have to live with that.

[whichwayisup]

I just lost everything. I don't know how to win him back. Well we've been having some arguments lately (I guess we were both anxious about the wedding, cost, issues with his mother, etc) and this time things got a bit tense. This is where I punched him in the eye and he just said the relationship is now dead to him and how I would have probably left him right away if vice-versa so why should he stay.

 

I've been trying to apologize ever since it happened but he wouldn't let me explain at all. I've never hit anyone in my life nor have ever been abused. I don't know what happened. He canceled the wedding and everything. I'm trying to contact him and explain what happened. No replies, nothing. I really feel bad. Is there a way to fix this?

 

I want him back. I don't know what the hell was I thinking but I didn't mean it. Like I say I've never hit anyone ever. First time I hit someone and it had to be the man I love.

 

But I'm sorry. Why doesn't he see this?

 

I feel bad for you both. But, with that said, the damage has been done. He is right, if he had punched you in the face, you'd be gone in a flash and the wedding would be cancelled.

 

There really is no excuse. All I'll say is, do seek counseling and try to understand how this happened. How arguing and stress led you to the point of punching him in the eye. something snapped inside of you, and that needs to be fixed so it never happens again with anybody else or any to children that you may have.

 

I'm sorry to him just doesn't cut it. Unfortunately for you, his mind is made up. Some people will not give second chances, especially when it comes to abuse.

[whichwayisup]

No, I'll never punch anyone again.

 

Robin, you don't know that. You didn't ever think you'd hit someone in the first place, yet it happened.. And this is why you must seek counseling to figure out what happened. Stress and arguing, you reached a point of no return quickly and hit your future husband. THAT is serious and worth going to therapy for.

[M30USA]

I hope that wasn't directed at me, I've been abused, I know what it's like being on the target end of someone's fists. .I don't condone violence at all, and even less when someone makes up excuses and blames it on not being themselves...whatever that means.

 

Not directed at you. Sorry. Your comment is just what spurned my comment to the OP.

[Sunshine87]

Hey SobbingRobbin,

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know you are remorseful and I can't imagine how sad you feel.

I think that your ex-fiancé's decision to end call off the wedding is possibly interlinked with a wider range of issues that you have not mentioned. The violent episode you had was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

I want you to be very honest. Were you feisty in the relationship? Were you verbally abusive? Were you often disrespectful? Were you loud-mouthed or boisterous? Bossy? would you consider yourself to be gentle? A bit crazy?

Bad tempered? Relaxed?

 

I suspect that he was having doubts about the relationship- (stemming from familial pressure and maybe the quality of your relationship).....and

this incident sealed the deal.

 

Give us some more background information about your relationship, so we

can gain more insight.

[Sunshine87]

Chill out. You don't have to be be so harsh! Be kind.

 

 

Find a man who is okay with getting his arse beaten. I say that with zero sarcasm. A man like that would be a better match for you.

[M30USA]

Chill out. You don't have to be be so harsh! Be kind.

 

I'm not being sarcastic. I myself was assaulted by my ex wife. And I can tell you there ARE men that accept a woman who is physically abusive. Find one of these. That's all I'm saying. There's a lid for every pot. Actually, knowing the nature of abusive people, I would suspect the OP was "testing out" her fiancé to see if he WOULD tolerate that behavior. She's been given her answer, and now instead of changing she will most likely just pick another guy who DOES tolerate it. That's all I'm saying.

[Woodpigeon]

Everybody makes mistakes, especially in the heat of an argument. I don't know if a punch is actually worse than the things people say in a heated argument. Things that you use against the one you love, just so you can make them hurt.

 

We've all done the last one at least once. In my mind, that's much worse than a punch, 'cause that happens in an instant. Hurting someone with words has to be a thought out thing to do.

 

I guess, I see no reason why one stupid thing should break things of. Are you sure there weren't more problems below the surface and this was kind of the final blow?

 

e: no pun intended

[M30USA]

Everybody makes mistakes, especially in the heat of an argument. I don't know if a punch is actually worse than the things people say in a heated argument. Things that you use against the one you love, just so you can make them hurt.

 

We've all done the last one at least once. In my mind, that's much worse than a punch, 'cause that happens in an instant. Hurting someone with words has to be a thought out thing to do.

 

I guess, I see no reason why one stupid thing should break things of. Are you sure there weren't more problems below the surface and this was kind of the final blow?

 

e: no pun intended

 

If her fiancé hit her, what would you advise?

 

No response needed. I know exactly what you'd say. Next post, please.

[Robert]

Closed pending input from thread starter, if you would like this thread re-opened please alert on this post and we will do so

 

Thanks