SobbingRobin Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 I just lost everything. I don't know how to win him back. Well we've been having some arguments lately (I guess we were both anxious about the wedding, cost, issues with his mother, etc) and this time things got a bit tense. This is where I punched him in the eye and he just said the relationship is now dead to him and how I would have probably left him right away if vice-versa so why should he stay. I've been trying to apologize ever since it happened but he wouldn't let me explain at all. I've never hit anyone in my life nor have ever been abused. I don't know what happened. He canceled the wedding and everything. I'm trying to contact him and explain what happened. No replies, nothing. I really feel bad. Is there a way to fix this? I want him back. I don't know what the hell was I thinking but I didn't mean it. Like I say I've never hit anyone ever. First time I hit someone and it had to be the man I love. But I'm sorry. Why doesn't he see this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SobbingRobin Posted April 20, 2013 Author Share Posted April 20, 2013 I don't even know what to tell my parents nor relatives nor friends if they ask what happened. We've been together for 4 years and engaged for 6 months. Hard to believe that it's now all over. I seriously didn't mean to. I want my man back. Anything would be helpful. What can I do to get win him back? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 I'm sorry but I don't blame him if he doesn't want to marry you. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 Even if he could see you were sorry, that does not mean that he would take you back. For many, domestic violence is understandably a total dealbreaker. How would you feel if he punched you in the eye? You would probably be devastated and it will be no different for him. This may be the first time you have ever done this but for him there is now the uncertainty - could this happen again? You need to deal with your physical aggression if you are to have any success in a long-term relationship whether that be with your fiance or someone else. Have you done anything to make a real difference to you such as counselling? Or are you just assuming that you will never do this again? The latter is high risk - after all, before this happened you probably never thought you would punch someone yet you did. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SobbingRobin Posted April 20, 2013 Author Share Posted April 20, 2013 I'm sorry but I don't blame him if he doesn't want to marry you.So there is no hope at all? I'm really sorry. This was way off my character and have never done this ever. Just want him to know it won't ever happen again but he's still not replying. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 So there is no hope at all? I'm really sorry. This was way off my character and have never done this ever. Just want him to know it won't ever happen again but he's still not replying. If he marries you, you will be the mother of his children with the capacity to punch the ones you love. You only have to steal once to be a thief. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SobbingRobin Posted April 20, 2013 Author Share Posted April 20, 2013 If he marries you, you will be the mother of his children with the capacity to punch the ones you love. You only have to steal once to be a thief.No, I'll never punch anyone again. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 No, I'll never punch anyone again. I hate to say this but everyone who assaults their SO says that. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Charlie Harper Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 I am sorry to tell you since I can see your point and how much you suffer. In a relationship you are supposed to work out the little and BIG problems, when you insult or lose respect for your couple, or even worse there is violence, being physical or verbal is a TOTAL BREAKDOWN of communication, affection and CONFIDENCE. You need to work out your problems and maybe go to Counseling, because it doesnt matter if you are the nicest person in the world, once you "lose it" and become violent, its a trait for persons who are controlling and other stuff I wont go into detail.... My advice is go to counseling and hop e for the best... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 No, I'll never punch anyone again. Have you done anything to make a real difference to you such as counselling? Or are you just assuming that you will never do this again? The latter is high risk - after all, before this happened you probably never thought you would punch someone yet you did. So you are just assuming you will never do it again. That is no way to deal with a major problem you have. You cannot assume this is a one-off. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SobbingRobin Posted April 20, 2013 Author Share Posted April 20, 2013 I hate to say this but everyone who assaults their SO says that.I'm being honest about it. I'm already feeling terrible and was thinking of talking to my campus counselor about it. I don't know what came in me? It's like this dark side I never knew about nor saw acting out. I've haven't eaten for the whole day, thinking about what happened and how I ruined it. I would do anything to go back in time and not punch him, well if there was that option but I can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SobbingRobin Posted April 20, 2013 Author Share Posted April 20, 2013 So you are just assuming you will never do it again. That is no way to deal with a major problem you have. You cannot assume this is a one-off.Even if I had never been abused by anyone nor even spanked as a child? Even school fights would turn me off and I would walk away from them. It's like when it happened, it wasn't the true me. I love him and missed him. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 Doesn't matter at all whether you were abused or not. The fact is that you abused your fiance. Now you need to face the consequences of your actions and take personal responsibility/action to stop this ever happening again. And no, just typing here that you won't do it again is not good enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 Yeah you should go to counseling to find out why you did that. Don't go to get him back though. He may never come back. Go to figure yourself out better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SobbingRobin Posted April 20, 2013 Author Share Posted April 20, 2013 Doesn't matter at all whether you were abused or not. The fact is that you abused your fiance. Now you need to face the consequences of your actions and take personal responsibility/action to stop this ever happening again. And no, just typing here that you won't do it again is not good enough.Hence why I'm going to set up an appointment with campus counselor sometime next week. Do you think he'll come around and reconsider if he sees I'm making changes and actually seeking help, doing everything to make sure I never hit anyone again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SobbingRobin Posted April 20, 2013 Author Share Posted April 20, 2013 He may never come back. Go to figure yourself out better.:( This was my life, my future, the man I've loved the most and the one I thought about having kids with. I can't believe I threw that away and there is no way of going back in time. I'm crying right now. Link to post Share on other sites
cbguy Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 Depends, he might take you back after things cool down, but this might always be there around the relationship. Would you be ok with that? Would the relationship still be healthy, this might still come up during future fights. When he has a bad opinion about you even if he has good reason the relationship might still not work out. I can relate to you, I once pushed my friend during a heated argument. I felt extremely guilty and apologized and she said she forgave me. But the relationship was never the same. Whatever the circumstances getting physical is never the answer. I don't know the details and only you can decide but I think you should also look at it in a practical perspective apart from your guilt. You should definitely apologize and make sure you never do this again. John Scalzi wrote an amazing piece on apologies. Look at forgiving yourself at a later point. All of us make mistakes. Hope things work out with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 SR, It does sound like you are really sorry, but here a few things: - when something like physical abuse happens, it changes the way the victim sees the abuser forever. You ex-fiance now sees you in a different light and that's not something you can undo or take back. - Just like you say you've never hit anyone before - I'm sure you never thought you'd hit your partner ever. But you did. That's why the claim of "I'll never do that again" doesn't hold that much weight. I'm sure you believe that you'd never do it, but I'm sure that in the past you never thought you'd do it in the first place. I have anger issues and it is something I'm going to seek help for and I've never hit my partner. So I would suggest that you continue to seek help from the counselor and just give your ex his space. If you don't that actually comes off as being disrespectful to his wishes and continues to add insult to injury. You need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he may never take you back. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SobbingRobin Posted April 20, 2013 Author Share Posted April 20, 2013 You should definitely apologize and make sure you never do this again.I did countless time and he isn't replying. He has been ignoring me for this past week. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 :( This was my life, my future, the man I've loved the most and the one I thought about having kids with. I can't believe I threw that away and there is no way of going back in time. I'm crying right now. I'm sorry to hear that, truly. I would just go to counseling, leave him alone so he can sort things out too, and if he misses you and forgives you and does come back, you'll be working on yourself. But set him free right now. Leave him alone and realize the ball is in his court and its entirely up to him if he wants you back or not. At least respect him that much. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SobbingRobin Posted April 20, 2013 Author Share Posted April 20, 2013 Yes TigerCub amaysngrace I'll leave him alone if that's what he wants (through his refusal to answer my messages and phone call) and will start working on myself. I don't even know what made me act that way that day. All I can say was it was a mistake I regret, one that cost my engagement and future with him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 You're lucky he didn't file assault charges. Be thankful for this, if nothing else. It's also time to review your own behaviours within the relationship. Physical abuse usually doesn't come from nowhere. Domestic violence is a build up where it begins with emotional abuse and ramps up to violence. Also review the relationship dynamics. Quite often the person being abused comes from an abusive background where they sometimes subconsciously agitate for abuse since this equals love. It's a prime example of Pavlovian conditioning where repetitive hurt and pain during foundational years can reroute the brain. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SobbingRobin Posted April 20, 2013 Author Share Posted April 20, 2013 Quite often the person being abused comes from an abusive background where they sometimes subconsciously agitate for abuse since this equals love. It's a prime example of Pavlovian conditioning where repetitive hurt and pain during foundational years can reroute the brain.But I've never been hit by anyone, can't even think of a time of someone mistreating me. Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 But I've never been hit by anyone, can't even think of a time of someone mistreating me.Did you even read my post? Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 Never mind the punch (I mean for the sake of this post..): He's canceled the wedding? He's seriously done. It's over. Link to post Share on other sites
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