It's all over...

[loredo21]

So H sensed something and after I passed out last night he looked through all my stuff and discovered me messaging exMOM and also a conversation I was having with my sister while all of this was going on. He isn't mad. But disappointed and we are pretty clear that this just isn't going to work. I am so lost right now and honestly just want to die. I'm not sure what kind of social access I will have at all, he already took my phone and ipad. so yeah. I don't know where I am going to go but I will do my best to keep you all posted.

How things can change in an instant. hm.

<3

[Journee]

Oh goodness.

 

 

Where are you now in your thinking? I don't want to overstep myself asking the tone and content of these messages. What is it really that you want? Life is fleeting for us all. What is it that Loredo needs?

 

 

(((((hugs again))))

[anne1707]

Journee is right. You need to try and figure out what you want. Whatever it is though, don't allow yourself to be pressured by others and also don't add pressure yourself. Try and keep things as simple as you can for now. The contact with the exMOM may over-complicate things for you just now when you need to focus on what is happening with your marriage and deal with the fall-out.

 

Take care

[So happy together]

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. When my boyfriend had a Dday, his stbxw wanted to work it out. He was the one who did not. Perhaps, if you want to work it out with your H, that could be possible.

 

Be good to yourself right now and make sure that you are okay. Eat right. Try to get rest. And simplify everything.

 

Let us know if we can do anything at all.

 

<3 <3 <3

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Wow - boy did your post being back that moment when my husband found out. I was asleep as well and was woken up to a confrontation I was not ready for.

 

Take care. Moment by moment, step by step. Dont make any rash decisions. The next few weeks will be rocky.

 

Hugs!

[whichwayisup]

So H sensed something and after I passed out last night he looked through all my stuff and discovered me messaging exMOM and also a conversation I was having with my sister while all of this was going on. He isn't mad. But disappointed and we are pretty clear that this just isn't going to work. I am so lost right now and honestly just want to die. I'm not sure what kind of social access I will have at all, he already took my phone and ipad. so yeah. I don't know where I am going to go but I will do my best to keep you all posted.

How things can change in an instant. hm.

<3

 

Own it. Apologize and tell your H that you had a weak moment and reached out to exMM. That it was so wrong, that your intention was not to start up the affair again. you just missed exMM and reached out without thinking of the consquences.

 

Your H is hurt and doesn't trust you at all now. BUT, with that said, he has to know that the bits of contact are really meaningless in the bigger picture of things. Yeah you messed up, but your A is over. There has to be a bit of wiggle room to allow slip up's like breaking NC. It's not like you drove to see exMM and had sex with him. THAT is a cause for throwing in the towel.

 

Anyway, give your H space so he can calm down. Be understanding and just know that he obviously does love you.

 

Brush yourself off and hope for the best when it comes to your husband still wanting to work with you to fix things. Though, you should also take the time to think about if you DO actually want to work it out with him.

[loredo21]

so i have a moment at work to update and get more into the details. For those that haven't read my posts from yesterday, I had seen exMOM in passing 2 times in 2 days. literally driving right next to eachother last night. I was on my way out to dinner with friends. Since I was having a panic attack, i had a litte too much to drink and contemplated from about 130am to 2am whether or not to contact him. the whole time speaking with my sister telling me "DO NOT DO IT!" And all of you amazing people telling me the same. I didn't listen. of course. SO I passed out on the couch and H said it was reminicsint of when the affair was going on and i would come home late nights and sleep on the couch. So immediately he knew something was up. While I was sleeping he looked through all of my devices and saw everything I was saying to my sister. Honestly the message to exMOM simply said "I have seen you twice now in two days. Just wanted to let you know I am not stalking you just a lot of odd coincidences. Hope you are well." That's it. it was not wanting to initiate the affair again, it was not a come do me message. Nothing like that. I have no interest in him that way anymore. But is it hard when I see him? yes. H is convinced we are still "connected" when we have not spoken one word to eachother in 9 months. He called me a home wrecker. He told me exMOM thinks I am a slut. He told me I am a poor role model for our daughter...all true I guess. He wants to know if I am done with the marriage, and I don't know what I want at this point. He left for church and I had to come to work and we will resume the discussion when I get home. The bad part is he wants to contact exMOM and his W to talk to them and I am like "No! why would you do that? he has not tried to contact me. he has been doing everything right trying to fix his marriage and has followed through with NC. don't make them suffer anymore" I am the POS not him. H only thinks that I am sticking up for him and that exMOM probably (sorry TMI) masturbated to me after he got that message. UGH! I just want to crawl into a hole! THe CRAZY thing in all of this is H told me his heart is in this and he wants to work on it now! WHAT?!! I do not deserve him one bit, he deserves everything in the world. I am a weak POS. I need to decide what I want out of life and not be scared to go after it. I SO aprreciate each and every one of you and that I can come here when I am in need. So THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Stop doing this to yourself. You are human and you had a weak moment. Pat yourself on the back for going as long as you have. Now get up, dust yourself off and start NC again.

 

He cannot have any idea what is going on in your XMOM's mind. If you guys are in close proximity, there is a significant chance you will pass him, run into him, etc. I remember my husband saying the same thing after finding out about contact. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop as well.

 

Let him cool off a little, think through what happened and then sit down and talk - let him vent. But, I am having a hard time with the things he is telling you regarding your daughter. That is offensive. And even though he's angry, those are words that are hard to forget.

 

Your husband is still wounded. I am hopeful he will not make any calls to the xMOM & his BS - that could open up a whole lot of drama that you do not want anymore. But on the other hand, it could be that they can confirm that is the only time you have reached out and that could be reassuring to your husband.

 

Take care and keep us posted.

[Decorative]

Loredo-

 

You are far, far, far from a POS.

 

You are a woman who is struggling.

 

You are trying to do the right thing. And last night you made a bad decision. You are still worthy of love and happiness.

 

I hate that you are upset- but let's hope that this can be the catalyst you need for forward movement.

 

Take care of you.

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry you're feeling rough, L.

 

I am sorry, but I can't understand your situation. Your husband wants to control what you do, in order to change the feelings in your heart? How does that work? How do you feel?

 

Either you want contact with the other guy or you don't. If you do, stopping you won't make you suddenly only have feelings for your husband... Or will it, do you think?

[anne1707]

I am sorry, but I can't understand your situation. Your husband wants to control what you do, in order to change the feelings in your heart? How does that work? How do you feel?

 

Maybe I have missed something as I don't know all of Loredo's story but where does it say that her husband wants to control what she does?

[Praying4Peace]

Loredo,

 

If it makes you feel better if I saw him twice in a row right next to my car I probably might have broken down too. Luckily- when you block someone on your phone you can't make last minute calls or texts.

 

Please don't make any decisions about anything right now. The problem is your H is going to want to talk, talk, talk because he is hurt and freaking out.

 

I've noticed (maybe in my head) that men and women who are WS's get very different advice on LS about ending marriages. Women are always told to file right away while men are told to reinvest in their marriage and 'say' all the right things to their BW's...basically fake it until you make it type thing. I'm not sure why. All I know is that you are reeling off of contact with exMM right now and youre scared because your H is upset and the last thing you need is to pull them into this drama (xMM and his BW).

 

May I ask- did he return the text? Was it just one way?

 

Please take care of yourself. I thought about you all day today and have been having a lot of anxiety and triggering off of all sorts of stuff. Just remember no decisions about anything have to be made anytime soon. Give yourself a break.

 

((HUGS))

 

p4p

[AnotherRound]

Loredo - wow, you've got a LOT on your plate right now.

 

I can't add much to the other posters, but I do agree that your husband trying to control your access seems to me would not lead to true NC - as he is stopping the contact, not you. I feel that if you aren't the one stopping the contact, bc you WANT to, that it's only going to lead to an untrue reconciliation at best.

 

I also agree that what your H is saying to you is out of line, verbal abuse and emotional abuse. No matter how upset he is, or angry, or hurt - it does not give him a golden ticket to abuse you in any way. This was a simple contact - he is overreacting and taking a threat level of 1 and making it seem like a threat level of 100.

 

I'm going to be honest with you here - from what you have shared, I just don't think that your heart is with your husband. I don't think it's necessarily with exMM either - but it seems really clear to me, from my perspective, that you are staying for reasons other than love and commitment to your H. If that is not true, then I apologize - but in the end, I just want you to be happy and content and fulfilled. Will staying with your husband provide that?

 

I know you are upset with yourself today - and feeling guilty. I just want to say, we ALL make mistakes, be gentle with yourself - as gentle as you would with a loved one if they had made the same mistake. And, as much as I hate it for you, it sounds like you are going to have to make some very hard decisions soon - regarding your marriage. I am sending you thoughts of peace and contentment. Please don't let your husband convince you to do anything that is not in your heart, as that rarely leads to fulfillment in life.

[Poppy fields]

Hang in there. I think it is somewhat good that your husband found the message to your MM. Now you do not have to hide your feelings. If you guys try to stay together, maybe this is a beginning to a new, honest dialogue between you two.

 

I hope you get what makes you truly happy.

[Silly_Girl]

Maybe I have missed something as I don't know all of Loredo's story but where does it say that her husband wants to control what she does?

 

This:

 

I'm not sure what kind of social access I will have at all, he already took my phone and ipad. so yeah. I don't know where I am going to go but I will do my best to keep you all posted.

 

Some OWs believe betrayed spouses have special powers to prevent the wayward spouse from calling the AP.

 

I'll not hold my breath for Pierre's apology

[anne1707]

I see what you mean SG (on both points ). Though I can understand the H doing that in a way. He must be devastated at what Loredo has done and is lashing out. I just hope that things will calm down a bit when they talk later.

[Silly_Girl]

I see what you mean SG (on both points ). Though I can understand the H doing that in a way. He must be devastated at what Loredo has done and is lashing out. I just hope that things will calm down a bit when they talk later.

 

Don't get me wrong, of COURSE he's furious and devastated. I just struggle with the effectiveness of the approach. Doesn't sound good from the outside, but there's no magic trick here, it's going to be hard on both of them

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

First of all- you are not a 13 year old, so the fact that your H has "taken away" your electronic devices is beyond ridiculous to me. It's one thing to ask you not to use them,but another to 'take them.'

 

Second, a lot of the things you've said I said last year when I was struggling with staying in my M and trying to work things out with my H, because I felt like "he deserved for me to" because even after I confessed my A and told him I loved MOM, he still forgave me and would have worked things out-- so I kept saying "I owe him to work it out. to give it everything because he still loves me even after ALL that I put him through." but when it came down to it-- and even some posters here got in my head-- I owed it to him to do what was RIGHT in the long run. I had to love him enough to WALK away and let him be free to find happiness. Our divorce was final a few months ago and he has found a new girlfriend and is happy and I am so happy for him. THAT was right for both of us.

And I know it's tough with kids-- but it's still about knowing what you want and being able to make it work.

 

Don't beat yourself up. The sun will set and tomorrow will be a new day.

[White Flower]

Hugs to you Loredo.

 

Wow, so he took your toys away. Sorry, but he is acting like a parent which means he thinks your A was you acting like a child. Who knows, maybe you were, after all, we all don't have the same reasons for getting involved with an AP.

 

About being a POS; this is is what I call xMM (ok, I don't really use that language) for staying with someone he doesn't love. He stays for duty (in his mind) which is ridiculous because their kids are grown and moved out and BW doesn't need him, and he stays because "it's cheaper to keep 'er" which really does make him a jerk.

 

A bad example of a parent is not living your dream. Be who makes you happiest so your kids grow up to be who makes them happiest.

[White Flower]

The H should have acted calmly. I would have given her the pink slip and send her on her way. if she truly wants the marriage that will get her attention.

 

By showing anger he gives ammunition to foggy OWs that say, he has an anger issue. How dare! Anger?

 

Not sure I've seen any OW yet say he has anger issues. In fact, I've so far seen them agree that he had a right to be angry.

 

Stereotype much?

[AnotherRound]

Not sure I've seen any OW yet say he has anger issues. In fact, I've so far seen them agree that he had a right to be angry.

 

Stereotype much?

 

Agreed. I do think he is over-reacting (the H) considering the type of contact, but eh, I'm not him.

 

I would LOVE to see someone try to take away my electronics... lol. That could get ugly and fast. Adults that act that way intrigue me. As if they can stop another adult from making their own decisions. It would NOT work with me. I pay my own way, and own and pay for everything I own - no other adult will take those things from me unless I WANT to give them up - well, unless they were a police officer or something, as that I have no control over... lol.

[ThatJustHappened]

I actually have to agree with Pierre.

 

Loredo, you wanted him to be upset with you..now he is. Maybe subconsciously you wanted to contact your former affair partner specifically to get a reaction out of your husband because you were hurt that he wasn't fighting for you harder, or that he didn't seem to mind all that much that you'd had an affair? I don't think he's overreacting. I would probably monitor my boyfriend's phone and laptop for a while if he cheated on me, reconciled with me, and then contacted the person he cheated with. He has every right to be upset, and I know you understand that.

 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain but maybe this is for the best. Maybe you should wipe the slate clean and start over. With him if you both still want that, or without him.

[Journee]

Agreed. I do think he is over-reacting (the H) considering the type of contact, but eh, I'm not him.

 

I would LOVE to see someone try to take away my electronics... lol. That could get ugly and fIast. Adults that act that way intrigue me. As if they can stop another adult from making their own decisions. It would NOT work with me. I pay my own way, and own and pay for everything I own - no other adult will take those things from me unless I WANT to give them up - well, unless they were a police officer or something, as that I have no control over... lol.

 

 

I get this and I really am rooting for Loredo....but if her H is just now reaching any anger or fear (which can push a person to desperation). I felt completely paralyzed with fear of the unknown when I contacted tOW. H and I were not in a good place and were separated but the thought of losing him was overwhelming. I had no desire however to show this to H or tOW. Pride I suppose. I wanted H to decide what he wanted before I tipped my hand. The desire to know, see, monitor EVERYTHING is incredible. My situation is very different than Laredo's. I couldn't imagine overcoming this without complete transparency.

 

I wouldn't want to force my H into giving me his devices. I can however, empathize with what he (BH) may be feeling. Fear is a powerful motivator unfortunately.

Edited April 22, 2013 by Journee

[AnotherRound]

I get this and I really am rooting for Loredo....but if her H is just now reaching any anger or fear (which can push a person to desperation). I felt completely paralyzed with fear of the unknown when I contacted tOW. H and I were not in a good place and were separated but the thought of losing him was overwhelming. I had no desire however to show this to H or tOW. Pride I suppose. I wanted H to decide what he wanted before I tipped my hand. The desire to know, see, monitor EVERYTHING is incredible. My situation is very different than Laredo's. I couldn't imagine overcoming this without complete transparency.

 

I wouldn't want to force my H into giving me his devices. I can however, empathize with what he (BH) may be feeling. Fear is a powerful motivator unfortunately.

 

Oh, I get why he is doing it - I just am intrigued that he cannot see how ineffective it would be. To the point that it could almost create the exact opposite of what he wants.

 

And, even though I can understand why he thinks this is what he "needs" to do - eventually, I think he will see that it was silly of him to ever think he could control her in any way -and silly that he even wanted to - if he wants a true and authentic relationship with her, she has to CHOOSE him - not be forced BY him.

 

I just have very little tolerance for any other adult that tries to control another adult -or manipulate situations to their advantage. I know immediately when someone is trying to do this to me, and I react immediately by letting them know that it will NOT fly with me. I have been on my own for over 20 years and have survived this long (and not too shabbily I might add!) without someone else trying to run my life, or make my choices for me. I wouldn't even let my parents do this if they were alive!!!! Why would I let a man? I wouldn't - I simply would NOT be in a relationship with someone like that - someone that thought they needed to - and had the right!- to try to "parent" me instead of just making their own choices if they don't like my actions or behaviors.

 

I get being angry, and upset, and hurt - I do not think that gives him a free pass to act like a tyrant, or lose his ****e and flip out. Adults should hold to adult standards, imo - not revert and regress to behaviors that are more suited for children (who obviously have not yet learned to control themselves appropriately).

[waterwoman]

Controlling? Maybe but it's driven by desperation. Poor bugger No, it's not my way of doing things, if I had to force H's hand I'd have given up TBH. But when this happens to a BS there is no knowing what will happen. Feel so sorry for both of you.

 

Take care loredo xx