It's all over...

[Got it]

Loredo,

 

I am sorry for these recent events. You really have two roads to choose here, you go down the road of staying married and you reach an agreement with your husband that you both abide by and you have to commit to it, or you decline that agreement and you take the second road and divorce.

 

I am sorry for your struggles but you do have to put both feet on one road or the other and stop staying in limbo. If you want to stay married know that ANY contact with your AP is going to crush your husband. If you don't want to cut off all contact, which is completely your choice, then know that you need to let your husband go.

 

I know it is hard, but I think if you aren't in IC now it would be a good idea. I think you need to look at why it such a struggle and what that might tell you. Are you, can you commit fully to your husband? It is okay if you two just don't mesh any longer, it is okay if you have to move on. But please help everyone, including yourself, and figure out what you need to do and commit to it.

 

(((((Loredo))))))

[ComingInHot]

sweet Loredo,

You are struggling. Even I, as a BW can see that.

Your H is suffering too.*

 

Let me ask you, if you had No intention of rekindling the A, why did you contact him?

The reasons you give and under the current situation ® don't make sense to me.

 

Can you explain a little more?

[Owl]

I think that there are some valid points that have been raised that I really hope Loredo takes the time to consider.

 

1. She know does know her H's heart in all of this. She couldn't understand his actions...now she knows that he was hoping/praying for the best, but worried about the worst. And from his angle, he felt like that took place. For him...NC meant NC. ANY contact breaks that concept of NC, resets the addiction, and from a BS's eyes resumes the affair...regardless of the 'content' of the interaction.

 

2. Her H may seem controlling in some fashion...but you still gotta look at this from the other side. Loredo is an adult. If H "took" anything that belonged to her, it was to some degree with her consent. Unless he beat her down physically, she could have stopped him at any time unless she feared physical abuse, which is not what I sense in her posts. It sounds controlling, and to some degree sure, it is. He's trying to take action to help Loredo maintain NC...since she's demonstrated she's incapable of that herself. (no offense intended, Loredo) She could have told her H to 'eff off'...and kept those devices. Her H probably figures this is a way for her to finally "get" that message of "its either him, or me".

 

3. She now needs to make up her mind what she wants in her future. Her H, or not. It really isn't even about OM anymore. It's about whether or not she wants to work on the marriage. Up until now, she's been pretty ambivilant about this...odds are, this latest series of events are going to wake her up out of that ennui and force her to finally make choices and take actions to steer the course of her life. She still retains the choice...H, or not. OM, or not. Single, or not.

 

I wish you the best, Loredo. I hope this situation works out the best way that it can for all of the people impacted by this. You, your H, your family, and everyone else as well.

[BetrayedH]

I guarantee that your husband expects no contact to mean no contact for life. I suspect you made that promise and now you've broken it. I nearly filed for D from my WW when I discovered a 2-minute work-related phone call with her old boss, the OM. In hindsight, I should have. We ended up divorcing anyway since she was just staying out of fear, guilt, and obligation.

 

Are you gonna make a commitment to your H or not? He deserves a straight answer. Certainly he will eventually see the folly of taking your communication devices but right now he is desperate to save his marriage and it was a knee-jerk reaction. BHs don't always respond with perfect rationale when we're dealing with a WW that says one thing but does another. You do end up feeling like a parent because your wife is acting like a child. Are you going to grow up now or not? You'll be lucky if you even get a vote on reconciliation this time.

[Spark1111]

You know, as a fBS who sooooo wanted to trust my H, that stupid text would have devastated me.

 

As in why? What was the point? Why did you have to send that?

 

And I would throw him out, once again. In fact, I did.

 

Also, his protection of her just about killed me.

 

As in, wait a minute, whose side are you on? Are you all in here, or not?

 

And if not, WHY am I still here giving you a second chance?

 

Loredo, get your act together. What DO you want? CHOOSE and COMMIT to it lady.

[Leo the Homely Lion]

I guarantee that your husband expects no contact to mean no contact for life. I suspect you made that promise and now you've broken it. I nearly filed for D from my WW when I discovered a 2-minute work-related phone call with her old boss, the OM. In hindsight, I should have. We ended up divorcing anyway since she was just staying out of fear, guilt, and obligation.

 

Are you gonna make a commitment to your H or not? He deserves a straight answer. Certainly he will eventually see the folly of taking your communication devices but right now he is desperate to save his marriage and it was a knee-jerk reaction. BHs don't always respond with perfect rationale when we're dealing with a WW that says one thing but does another. You do end up feeling like a parent because your wife is acting like a child. Are you going to grow up now or not? You'll be lucky if you even get a vote on reconciliation this time.

 

I agree as it pertains to my special person.

 

Whoa. Wow. Who but me has ever had a wandering other woman (a WOW).

[Journee]

Oh, I get why he is doing it - I just am intrigued that he cannot see how ineffective it would be. To the point that it could almost create the exact opposite of what he wants.

 

And, even though I can understand why he thinks this is what he "needs" to do - eventually, I think he will see that it was silly of him to ever think he could control her in any way -and silly that he even wanted to - if he wants a true and authentic relationship with her, she has to CHOOSE him - not be forced BY him.

 

I just have very little tolerance for any other adult that tries to control another adult -or manipulate situations to their advantage. I know immediately when someone is trying to do this to me, and I react immediately by letting them know that it will NOT fly with me. I have been on my own for over 20 years and have survived this long (and not too shabbily I might add!) without someone else trying to run my life, or make my choices for me. I wouldn't even let my parents do this if they were alive!!!! Why would I let a man? I wouldn't - I simply would NOT be in a relationship with someone like that - someone that thought they needed to - and had the right!- to try to "parent" me instead of just making their own choices if they don't like my actions or behaviors.

 

I get being angry, and upset, and hurt - I do not think that gives him a free pass to act like a tyrant, or lose his ****e and flip out. Adults should hold to adult standards, imo - not revert and regress to behaviors that are more suited for children (who obviously have not yet learned to control themselves appropriately).

 

 

 

 

Agreed. Easier said than done I suppose.

 

As I mentioned, my situation and Loredo's are no where near similar. My H and I were separated at my insistence due to non A issues. My H chose to reconnect with me and end his involvement with another woman. He wanted to come home. The hard part of separation, child arrangements, two different households had already been established. I know why he is home. I know what it will take to heal us both. H has made it his business to help rebuild with me what we both helped to tear down. I did realize that , as you stated, I didn't want to control or force anything. I wanted to be his choice. It was easy to think otherwise but for a moment I contemplated similar actions.

 

Loredo's situation comes with a different set of insecurities for her H. He may had been reeling and panicked. By Loredo's own admission her H was bottling this up. He may not had allowed himself to truly hurt and be angry. Now Whamo! His pain is in action. Maybe he just wants to monitor the devices or sort through any files or folders. If she intends to stay with him she may need to be patient with what he needs to feel secure. Hell, he probably doesn't even know what he needs. He may have shocked himself by him taking her devices. All I can do is speculate.

 

I'm sure not knowing if your spouse is home out of comfort , some sort of obligation , because their AP isn't able to be with them , burns like fire. It is a lot to ponder. He may had been afraid to scare Loredo off. Afraid to make staying with him too difficult or she may flee. He is obviously in pain and tensions are high. Now he is feeling everything at once. This is probably out of his characters is all I'm saying.

[Spark1111]

I think a truly remorseful WS takes whatever means necessary to re-establish trust....to prove they are trustworthy, period.

 

controlling? I am LMAO.

 

My H handed me all his passwords, work included. He shut down private email sites that she had been reaching out to him on, as had a newly divorced high school girlfriend. He had his cell phone absorbed into his company account so that in the event she called him, there it was on that bill as they were co-workers.

 

he never deleted a text or an email. He showed them to me.

 

hey, he had one shot and one shot only to re-establish trust.

 

Smart man.

[AnotherRound]

I think a truly remorseful WS takes whatever means necessary to re-establish trust....to prove they are trustworthy, period.

 

controlling? I am LMAO.

 

My H handed me all his passwords, work included. He shut down private email sites that she had been reaching out to him on, as had a newly divorced high school girlfriend. He had his cell phone absorbed into his company account so that in the event she called him, there it was on that bill as they were co-workers.

 

he never deleted a text or an email. He showed them to me.

 

hey, he had one shot and one shot only to re-establish trust.

 

Smart man.

 

And - if he had continued contact? What would you have done then? Forced the NC? It sounds like you would have walked - and that's exactly what I would think someone should do.

 

If you provide an ultimatum to someone, you better be willing to hold up your end of the bargain and walk away if they don't hold their end. Otherwise, it just looks a bit pathetic - and yes, trying to control what someone else does is pathetic and naive. And it does look desperate.

 

Be strong! Walk away when they continue to see their AP! So what if they are making a mistake - they are making their decision. Why interfere with that! Just divorce them - it's not that big of a deal.

[So happy together]

And - if he had continued contact? What would you have done then? Forced the NC? It sounds like you would have walked - and that's exactly what I would think someone should do.

 

If you provide an ultimatum to someone, you better be willing to hold up your end of the bargain and walk away if they don't hold their end. Otherwise, it just looks a bit pathetic - and yes, trying to control what someone else does is pathetic and naive. And it does look desperate.

 

Be strong! Walk away when they continue to see their AP! So what if they are making a mistake - they are making their decision. Why interfere with that! Just divorce them - it's not that big of a deal.

 

I'm not disputing most of what you said, but the 'just divorce them - it's not that big of a deal.' thing really got under my skin. It is a very big deal. Divorce is difficult and can last months, years. It is emotionally draining on the spouses, the kids, even extended family. you split money, possessions, friends, families. It is NOT easy.

 

Loredo, I've been thinking about you. I hope you are all right. Love and light to you.

[Owl]

And - if he had continued contact? What would you have done then? Forced the NC? It sounds like you would have walked - and that's exactly what I would think someone should do.

 

If you provide an ultimatum to someone, you better be willing to hold up your end of the bargain and walk away if they don't hold their end. Otherwise, it just looks a bit pathetic - and yes, trying to control what someone else does is pathetic and naive. And it does look desperate.

 

Be strong! Walk away when they continue to see their AP! So what if they are making a mistake - they are making their decision. Why interfere with that! Just divorce them - it's not that big of a deal.

 

Wouldn't this same advice apply even MORESO to the WS?

 

Just walk if you're not going to end the affair. Just divorce...it's not that big of a deal.

 

And yet I hear that same advice shot down daily when it's applied in that direction.

 

Why should the BS be expected to "be strong" when the WS is the one who's been aware of the affair and had ample opportunity to take these actions and "man/woman up"?

 

Sorry for the minor T/J, Loredo. And I'm not really calling you out directly. But surely you can see now that you still face the choice of contacting OM or not, continuing the affair or not, reconciling or not...regardless of your H's "interference" here.

 

You have the choice, even now, of insisting to your H that you want your phone/tablet back, and marriage-be-damned.

 

No one controls you without your consent.

[Journee]

And - if he had continued contact? What would you have done then? Forced the NC? It sounds like you would have walked - and that's exactly what I would think someone should do.

 

If you provide an ultimatum to someone, you better be willing to hold up your end of the bargain and walk away if they don't hold their end. Otherwise, it just looks a bit pathetic - and yes, trying to control what someone else does is pathetic and naive. And it does look desperate.

 

Be strong! Walk away when they continue to see their AP! So what if they are making a mistake - they are making their decision. Why interfere with that! Just divorce them - it's not that big of a deal.

 

 

Well, I was with you until the "it's not that big of a deal" thing.

[AnotherRound]

I'm not disputing most of what you said, but the 'just divorce them - it's not that big of a deal.' thing really got under my skin. It is a very big deal. Divorce is difficult and can last months, years. It is emotionally draining on the spouses, the kids, even extended family. you split money, possessions, friends, families. It is NOT easy.

 

Loredo, I've been thinking about you. I hope you are all right. Love and light to you.

 

I'm just reversing the logic - I hear all the time how the WS should "just divorce" their BS bc it's so easily accessible and the right thing to do. Seems that when the shoe is on the other foot, it turns out - it is NOT that easy - at least, that's what these posts are showing. The BSs don't want to divorce either - yet, they expect the WS to divorce easily, without any hesitation.

 

I don't believe it for a minute - but since so many say that it should be easy for the WS - I guess then, it should be just as easy for the BS, no???

Edited April 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ForeverHopeful1]

No one can force NC. If someone wants to cheat they will find a way, and no ultimatum or taking of phones or iPads, or whatever will prevent it.

 

I agree, just divorce already.

 

This is true. Loredo was still able to update everyone here without her phone or iPad. She can and will contact who she wants, regardless of her H taking her things.

[Got it]

Wouldn't this same advice apply even MORESO to the WS?

 

Just walk if you're not going to end the affair. Just divorce...it's not that big of a deal.

 

And yet I hear that same advice shot down daily when it's applied in that direction.

 

Why should the BS be expected to "be strong" when the WS is the one who's been aware of the affair and had ample opportunity to take these actions and "man/woman up"?

 

Sorry for the minor T/J, Loredo. And I'm not really calling you out directly. But surely you can see now that you still face the choice of contacting OM or not, continuing the affair or not, reconciling or not...regardless of your H's "interference" here.

 

You have the choice, even now, of insisting to your H that you want your phone/tablet back, and marriage-be-damned.

 

No one controls you without your consent.

 

But I think with many types of people, some are open to divorce, some are not. So the WS may have little interest in divorcing or will not be the one to push it and will only "accept" it happening to them.

 

The person who needs to be strong is the one that wants to change the circumstances. We all have the power/ability to effect change and no decision is a decision.

 

I think it quite simple is, people are where they want to be. It may not be for good reasons, it may not be for logical reasons, it may not be for positive reasons, but people do exactly as they want when weighing items and assessing decisions.

 

A WS may be very happy straddling the fence. It is then up to the other parties to blink first.

[ladydesigner]

(((Loredo))) I am sorry you are going through this, but the posters are right in that you really need to think about what you want otherwise you are torturing your husband.

 

My WH broke NC 4 times (I'm sure it was more I just didn't catch it). I was a BS that tried to control the situation, not by taking devices away, but by watching them and having all passwords. Was it pathetic, probably. I cannot tell you how difficult it is to lose the person you have been with (, had kids with, is your soulmate, lover, best friend, my everything,) to someone he thought he knew for 2 months and ****ed a few times . I was desperate I never begged him, but I definitely made it more difficult for him and his xAP to be together. By the 4th time I figured the joke must have been on me so I said enough is enough started getting my ducks in a row, contacted an attorney. I totally disengaged, in fact this time I wanted him to be with MOW. I was tired of the fight, that fight being me trying to R and him saying he is in R but then having an A .

 

I don't think it is very fair to paint her BS as some crazy control freak. He does not know what to do, how to react. He is losing his wife, his lover, his soulmate, to someone he had no idea about. He thought his wife loved him enough to stop NC that is what we all think because many of us have been with our spouses a lot longer than the AP has.

 

Loredo it would be a good idea for you and your husband to both receive individual counseling before attempting marriage counseling. The individual counseling will also help your husband realize that he can only control himself and can get himself stronger to a point where all of this will not have an effect on him in a way that it debilitates him.

[ladydesigner]

You know, as a fBS who sooooo wanted to trust my H, that stupid text would have devastated me.

 

As in why? What was the point? Why did you have to send that?

 

And I would throw him out, once again. In fact, I did.

 

Also, his protection of her just about killed me.

 

As in, wait a minute, whose side are you on? Are you all in here, or not?

 

And if not, WHY am I still here giving you a second chance?

 

Loredo, get your act together. What DO you want? CHOOSE and COMMIT to it lady.

What a great post Spark.

 

Seriously this is the side that gets really confusing for everyone. My WH is the one after DDay who was begging and pleading with me. Wanted to hug me...puhhlease I was his everything and get this "he loved me not her" So cliche (BTW I'm sure he loved her I don't discount that at all because he did not love me during his A. I was being treated like dog dirt).

 

Then here I am the idiot in the dark thinking "well he looks pretty devastated by what he's done to me and I love him and want to keep our family in tact so lets R" Nope guess he didn't have that in mind because MOW contacted him and then ... he contacted back

 

Then they contact again for I miss you's

 

Then again for another little ****

 

All the while telling me we are in R, he loves me, blah blah blah

 

Someone needs to cut the line. In my case it was me. Currently my WH is doing the work now for R and he went NC with MOW. That is the only reason we are in R right now and it is a tentative one at that.

Edited April 22, 2013 by ladydesigner

[Owl]

Removed my post...was a T/J that the OP didn't need.

[White Flower]

What a great post Spark.

 

Seriously this is the side that gets really confusing for everyone. My WH is the one after DDay who was begging and pleading with me. Wanted to hug me...puhhlease I was his everything and get this "he loved me not her" So cliche (BTW I'm sure he loved her I don't discount that at all because he did not love me during his A. I was being treated like dog dirt).

 

Then here I am the idiot in the dark thinking "well he looks pretty devastated by what he's done to me and I love him and want to keep our family in tact so lets R" Nope guess he didn't have that in mind because MOW contacted him and then ... he contacted back

 

Then they contact again for I miss you's

 

Then again for another little ****

 

All the while telling me we are in R, he loves me, blah blah blah

 

Someone needs to cut the line. In my case it was me. Currently my WH is doing the work now for R and he went NC with MOW. That is the only reason we are in R right now and it is a tentative one at that.

This may surprise you but I have a lot of respect for you lady. Well done.

[Spark1111]

What a great post Spark.

 

Seriously this is the side that gets really confusing for everyone. My WH is the one after DDay who was begging and pleading with me. Wanted to hug me...puhhlease I was his everything and get this "he loved me not her" So cliche (BTW I'm sure he loved her I don't discount that at all because he did not love me during his A. I was being treated like dog dirt).

 

Then here I am the idiot in the dark thinking "well he looks pretty devastated by what he's done to me and I love him and want to keep our family in tact so lets R" Nope guess he didn't have that in mind because MOW contacted him and then ... he contacted back

 

Then they contact again for I miss you's

 

Then again for another little ****

 

All the while telling me we are in R, he loves me, blah blah blah

 

Someone needs to cut the line. In my case it was me. Currently my WH is doing the work now for R and he went NC with MOW. That is the only reason we are in R right now and it is a tentative one at that.

 

This was my situation to a tee. He wanted to hug me and I froze. He wanted to know if I had been with anyone else, and I went mute in astonishment. he loved me. He couldn't lose me (like I was a Golden Retriever?).

 

While the stupid texts continued.

 

I, too, found it confusing and crazy making. I cut the rope too and gave it all to him and her with my fondest wishes for a happy future.

 

I could no longer live with all that uncertainty, so I bowed out as gracefully as I could.

[ThatJustHappened]

Loredo? You out there somewhere?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

loredo?? I am worried for you....