wasitheone Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 So my ex finished with me. 2 weeks later she went to a wedding of her best friend and is now dating her best friends brother. A week before she split with me her best friend had a chat with her and from what I can work out convinced my ex that she was using me! Fast forward to just over a week ago and I had a few beers her best friends new husband. The conversation drifted to my ex and her was telling me he wouldn't be happy if we got back together again - repeatedly!!! The next day I sent a text to my ex asking how she was and she replied pretty much straight away (this was after 6 weeks NC). After the weekend I sent my ex another text asking how a course was going - no answer. Sent her a text yetserday asking if she is still using the laptop I lent her as my sister could use it - no answer. My feeling is that her best friend convinced my ex that we were not right for each other and to be honest at the time we were both very stressed out due to work problems. Now I get the impression her best friend is telling my ex not even to get in touch with me as they must have talked over the weekend. My ex was not very impressionable but she had a few problems in her past but I was slowly helping her get over them. I care for her and I know the sort of person she is and can be. ( I always got the impression her best friend looked down on her and never really knew her based on comments from the husband) I do not want to this girl to become lost and more importantly I want her to be all that she can be - kind, loving and giving. I feel time is running out and yet another good person is about to be lost. Any insights would be most appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
netrie Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 My heart goes out to you... You cannot save anyone but YOU. However, You ARE codependent it sounds like. Please forgive my straightforwardness. Please check out groups on this topic --- there is a group called CODA and you should check it out and it is free... The best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasitheone Posted September 19, 2004 Author Share Posted September 19, 2004 Hi Netrie, Checked out the CODA site. Looking at the 12 steps I can honestly say I have achieved most of them through myself or through the help of a higher power. I understand we are powerless over the lives of others but I do believe we should try to help others - through love and caring. The bit about making a moral inventory of ourselves - been there and it hurt like hell. Basically took my life apart, looked at it and then rebuilt it again. The one defect I did find was "a need to be needed". That hurt a lot as I struggled to find out who needs me - then I looked to my family and realized the need for me was there. I have asked myself the question many times - should I keep the love for this woman in my heart. The answer keeps coming up as yes. Am I being completely unselfish in my acts - NO. I believe love is a two way process, a process of giving and taking. Both pay into a pool of love and both withdraw when the love is needed. At the moment I am putting in - waiting for her to make a withdrawal I may have misunderstood the aims of CODA and if so please point that out to me - I can take criticism. Take Care Link to post Share on other sites
netrie Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 Work on you! Cry if you must... Cry your heart out and let go. Cry til you can cry no more and welcome it. If you get an urge to cry ------- think of it like masturbation (excuse the term), just let it come and let it go. Make yourself look good, workout, eat well, have lots of fun too, and have a support group to fall back on. NO ONE needs to know. You DO NOT need to tell your ex gf or any friends either or family for now, that you are going to attend a CODA or any therapy work. Dont tell anyone. It should only be between you and yourself only... Make it your personal secret to work on yourself to better yourself. Again, WORK ON YOU!!!!!!!! You will shine and she will notice this too. But guess what, while your ex gf is wondering why you are so happy and shining like a diamond, you will attract other fine women too. So be it! Netalia Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasitheone Posted September 20, 2004 Author Share Posted September 20, 2004 Hey Netrie, Can't quite see how masturbation is like crying - apart from you need a lot of tissues Seriously though I have been down the crying route several weeks ago and it does help. Cried until I have blown bubbles out of my nose!!!! I am also working on myself - getting fitter, joined badminton class (If i tried squash I would probably have a heart attack - during the warm up!). Am generally getting happier in myself and I know I am a good person. She once said I was too nice - well tough s**t - thats me!! Have also been seeing a counsellor but it was when she went on a two week vacation and she urged me to see my doctor alarm bells rang. I realzed I had slipped into depression, studied it on the web and basically snapped out of it in a weekend - I refuse to take medication that only treat the symptoms. That was 2 weeks ago and I am still fine. As for my ex. I had a bit more of a chat (via text message) today - the most in 6 weeks actually. Who knows! I really want to post a happy ending on this site. Link to post Share on other sites
prevch Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 I want you to post one too Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasitheone Posted September 21, 2004 Author Share Posted September 21, 2004 Watch this space guys. Just finished a text conversation with her. She is upset about something but wouldn't say what. Said that if her phone had arms it would hug her but she said she needs more than a hug. She woudn't say what was wrong and too be honest I hope it isn't something too bad. Think I am going to put the second chance on hold and be a friend to her as I am a little worried now. Prevch - please pray for her. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
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