Isolation and Life Decisions

[LoneStar49]

I've been thinking about these two things - isolation and life decisions - quite a bit the past few days.

 

I've come to realize I really don't have a single friend and blame it on the affair. I was never one for lots of friends, but those few I did have, I pulled away from. I had talked to Mr. XXX in the days immediately preceding "the end" and of course, he didn't understand why I would isolate myself. To me, it was so simple. I couldn't stand to be around others in happy relationships. It only served to point out what I was missing. I had another good friend, and even confided in her, but she became somewhat judgemental, hate him and took every opportunity to say so. I eventually found myself sneaking around from her! Lying to her about what I had been doing, where I had been, etc. Anyway, two different couples that I had been friends with for many years - one couple in excess of 20 years - I haven't talked to in 9 - 16 months. Acquaintances? Sure. Tons of them. Hi, how are you doing? Fine, thanks. Those sorts. But real friends? Gosh! I've gotten to the point where I enjoy wrong numbers and try to keep the caller on the line talking to me.

 

Then the other thing. Life decisions. Wow! I knew it was happening at the time, but felt helpless to do anything about it. I've been in a constant state of limbo for the past 3-1/2 years. So many decisions I have not made, or worse, knowingly made bad decisions for myself, because I was afraid it would have a negative effect on "the relationship." Things ranging from work opportunities to where I was going to live. I guess I'm writing about this now because I am faced with the prospect of moving far, far away from here. Financially, it would probably be beneficial to me, and I know that. Hugely beneficial. But you know, even tho' I haven't heard a word from him for several days (it will be 2 weeks Wednesday), it is one of the toughest decisions of my life because I know once I make the decision to leave and put the wheels in motion, there will be no turning back. That has always been my nightmare...I'm gone and he divorces, but I don't know that and he doesn't know where I am. Pipe dreams? Maybe, but I do feel that he will end up divorced - with me in the picture or not.

 

I don't know. Right now I feel almost paralyzed. I've been trying to sort out and pack some things, but it's almost as if I'm packing in preparation for my own execution. This is a silly analogy, but please, allow me...when I was a very young adult (early 20's), I finally had enough money for braces for my teeth. They were badly overlapped. One of the things I had to do several times a day prior to the braces being put on was - and this hurts to this very day to even think about it! - I had to take these HUGE rubber band things and wedge them between my teeth. First time, not bad. Second time. It hurt. After about 2-4 times, I would cry in agony. I told my mother that I could tolerate the pain better if someone else was doing it to me, but the idea of having to go in there and wedge those things and cause myself agony...well, you can just imagine how difficult it was to do it. I managed, tho', because I really wanted those braces. Right about now, I feel like I'm having to wedge those HUGE rubber bands again - except I'm wedging them into my heart and I really don't want to break my heart.

 

Sorry...bear with me. This is rough.

[Cis]

You are moving in the right direction! Hang in there. Take it one step at a time. Your revelations and pain are not only helping you move toward a happier place, but it is helping those of us who are in similar situations. It's good to see in black and white (again) the futility, and pain these relationships cause. Love should make you happy.

 

Move! Start your new life. It will take some time, but you'll make some new friends, and perhaps fall in love with someone who can give you the love you deserve. You're on the right path...

 

Cis