For the last time.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

I'm sitting in a coffee shop I know we must have visited in the last 14 years. I can't remember when though.

 

People coming and going about their morning, planning their normal Sunday routine. That is now my dream for the future - just to have a normal Sunday again.

 

They are completely unaware that the 46 year old man on the laptop in the corner is tallying his finances in preparation of ripping the life he knew - just 10 days ago - apart. Forever. He is deeply broken. Somehow hollow inside and yet emitting an anxious energy that screams "help me! I'm hurt!" "Can somebody please tell me what to do!"

 

Hard to believe it can be concealed so easily behind these dark glasses. It must be at a frequency only dogs can hear. I have my earbuds in but I'm not listening to anything - music is too painful. My eyes so swollen and sore from crying that they're locked in their sockets. I have to turn my head to see anything.

 

After 13 years of marriage my wife is leaving me. She doesn't love me anymore. It's as simple as that. You can throw any rational at her for staying in therapy - 2 beautiful boys (8 & 10), a great house in a great area, a husband who sees her as the love of his life... with whom you share so many common interests - travel, hiking, west coast swing dancing (which we started for our wedding reception and never stop learning).

 

But there's nothing at her core for it to stick to anymore. A bottomless bucket.

 

Nine months ago she told me she had feelings of wanting to leave. We started therapy. I find out she's been feeling this way for 3-4 years! WTF?!?!? Gut-punch. Once a week I sat and watched this woman's mind wrestle with her heart, wondering where my wife went...

 

Things seemed to improve for a while. Some days it was good. Other days, stable. In January, after another argument over something that stood in for the real issues I asked her - point blank - "do you love me?"

 

"No." She said, in a calm, matter-of-fact way. At that moment, some part of my brain knew it was over but I quickly drowned it in a tsunami of fear and panic. Back to the therapist!

 

But I learned that therapy is for working out problems and not being in love with someone is not a problem, it's a feeling. In the end the Dr. told me that I fell in love with my wife and she *chose* to love me, which is not an issue of my love-ability but an issue of her ability to love.

 

If he was trying to keep me from feeling like an old, unwanted, abandoned, failure - mission un-accomplished.

 

On April 6th we spent the weekend at one of our favorite family resorts in the desert - we both love the desert. There was tension but we swam together, arm-in-arm, cheek-to-cheek. We had sex in the bathroom... for the last time.

 

On April 8th I took a business trip for a job I just started in January. The job that was going to bring more stability into our lives - double income again after a year (that would turn things around!). Sitting at the airport I started to well up but didn't know why. I was just overcome with a feeling of dread.

 

On April 10th, 2013 she told me - "I want a trial separation." I knew she put "trial" in there to try and soften the blow. "You expect me to pull this family apart for a trial?" I said. She nodded - not a "yes" kind of nod but a nod that said, "you're right." "Is this divorce?!" I said, feeling my heart filling with cement. This time, it was the "yes" nod.

 

On April 14th - the day after her birthday - she walk out of the house we built together with a single bag and not a word spoken - no "see you later," "be back in while," "bye." It was deafening. Since then I walk through each day like a nuclear blast survivor. Bewildered. Radioactive. With charred skin hanging from my limbs.

 

I look back through our text log filled with everyday things - "what's for dinner" "on my way" "home in 10." And then this "Ur absolutely right you don't deserve this. I don't know how to make right. I can't obviously."

 

The first text from my stbx...

 

This has been a very dark last 7 days. I found this site a few days ago and many of your stories have kept me company during my sleepless nights - helped me feel not so alone. I felt it was time to share my story and thank you for sharing yours.

Edited April 21, 2013 by LIFE.GOES.wrONg

[MsOptimist]

I can feel your pain in your words, perhaps because your thoughts and actions were so similar to my own last September.

 

I can bet that the other people in the coffee shop are quietly going through their own personal struggles - I know I was when I was in those early days and weeks.

 

What I can tell you is that the pain lessens with time - it doesn't go away, but it becomes more bearable and not as fresh. You will be able to laugh and smile again. You will be able to grab a coffee in that same coffee shop and be much more light hearted and with your eyes less swollen.

 

I know these words seem empty right now, but you will become stronger because of this. Stick with therapy, gather your support system, and prepare to move through the pain - that's the only way to get through it. You don't have a choice in this situation (I didn't either), but you can pick yourself up with dignity and take care of yourself and KNOW that you will be ok.

 

Love your screen name, by the way. Life DOES go on, whether you like it or not. This thing will not swallow you whole if you don't let it.

[aMguilts]

.......

nuclear blast survivor...

 

is there such a thing???

 

 

aM

Edited April 22, 2013 by aMguilts

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm sure it's not news that her behavior in riddled with clues that say "other man". I'd bet it's only a matter of weeks that, now out of the house, she tells you she's seeing someone else. Have you looked at emails, cell phone records, etc. ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Thank you MsOptimist.

aMguilts, perhaps I should have said Hiroshima survivor?

Mr. Lucky, I'm positive there is not another man. In fact, I just got an email from her this morning saying she's going to move back into the house. Apparently her friend can't put her up anymore and she's realized she can't afford an apartment in our area. I'm in severe panic mode.

I don't know if I can handle her back in the house but I don't know what else I can do.

[ver13]

Thank you MsOptimist.

aMguilts, perhaps I should have said Hiroshima survivor?

Mr. Lucky, I'm positive there is not another man. In fact, I just got an email from her this morning saying she's going to move back into the house. Apparently her friend can't put her up anymore and she's realized she can't afford an apartment in our area. I'm in severe panic mode.

I don't know if I can handle her back in the house but I don't know what else I can do.

 

Look I know that this will be hard but don't let her back in the family home unless she agrees to pay rent or something like that. If she truly doesn't love you anymore and wants to move on with her life you need to do the right thing and let her go. Letting her come back will only drag out the final outcome and it will really start to be messy if you allow her into your life the way she is feeling. If she packed a bag and walked out without a word that say's everything you need to know. She will be using you for a place to stay and that's it. You need to look at what is good for you from now on and unneeded emotional trauma is not it. Let her back in if she wants to work on the M but other than that she needs to work this out on her own. I know this hard but you need to stand up and demand a little more respect from her in this situation. Just because M may be over doesn't mean that your life has ended, it's not stage 4 cancer. So get on with living and stop the drama get out there and find things to do other then wallow around in this mess that she has created. You need to live for you and the kids now, today in this moment. Start getting back in shape, eating right and enjoying the sun on your face. This is your chance to work on you and if she should decide to change her mind much later down the road she can persue you. You have done all that you need to do in this M what more can be done if she doesn't love you anymore.

[worldgonewrong]

Is there another man lingering in the shadows?

[Mr. Lucky]

Look I know that this will be hard but don't let her back in the family home unless she agrees to pay rent or something like that. If she truly doesn't love you anymore and wants to move on with her life you need to do the right thing and let her go. Letting her come back will only drag out the final outcome and it will really start to be messy if you allow her into your life the way she is feeling. If she packed a bag and walked out without a word that say's everything you need to know. She will be using you for a place to stay and that's it.

Seems like good advice.

 

LIFE.GOES.wrONg, what would you like to see happen? Are you interested in reconciliation? Since you wife has been focused on what's best for her, you'll have to be your own advocate.

 

So what do you want ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[tojaz]

I have to agree with ver on this one. She's declared that she wants a life without you and walked. Not letting her come back into the home so easily will give her an honest taste of what life without you is going to be like. This is the road that she chose, you have every right to point the way.

 

TOJAZ

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Seems like good advice.

 

LIFE.GOES.wrONg, what would you like to see happen? Are you interested in reconciliation? Since you wife has been focused on what's best for her, you'll have to be your own advocate.

 

So what do you want ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Lucky, in my heart, I know that it's over. I know that she does not love me. Even if there was a chance, I have been so wounded by this I don't know if there was enough she could do to reset our foundation. I say that, but I would be lying if I did not say I struggle with that part of me that is still in denial. I think I have it caged and when I lift the box, its gone - loose in my brain again waiting to pounce when I hear the "ding" of new text message or see that I have a new email. "This is the one" - it whispers. The one where she admits she's made a mistake.

 

I know its not coming. And I hate myself every time I think that.

 

I don't think there is another man. Am I 100% certain - of course not. But she never hid her blackberry from me. She left her work laptop open constantly around the house - email open. And we've always had access to each others personal email accounts. I believe its what our therapist told me. I keep thinking that if she had cheated, at least I'd have a reason... instead I watched the light go out over time, helpless to do anything. Like watching someone die of Alzheimer. I know that's a foolish thought, and I don't mean to rank people's pain - I've read some truly painful stories here I consider worse than mine.

 

The hardest thing for me right now - 10 days in - is how far out in front she is from me. This has been something she's been thinking about for years. Now that its done she has this cavalier - lets get on with the formalities - attitude. I don't think she's lost a night of sleep over this.

 

ver13, I hear you.

[tojaz]

The hardest thing for me right now - 10 days in - is how far out in front she is from me. This has been something she's been thinking about for years. Now that its done she has this cavalier - lets get on with the formalities - attitude. I don't think she's lost a night of sleep over this.

 

I know it's of little comfort, but you'd be wrong. She just has the luxury of going through those stages in secret.

 

You cannot take her words at face value, I can assure you everything she says is crafted to reflect that "cavalier" attitude in an attempt to keep her resolute in her decision and lessen resistance from you.

 

TOJAZ

[ALAACJ]

You are not alone. If I were a better writer, this could be my story. i thought my wife's behavior has been completely shocking and abnormal, but the more stories I read and the more people I talk to, it is way more common than I ever thought. I don't know weather to feel better that it is not just me, or feel terrible about society as a whole and that this has become acceptable.

 

I did the same thing with the text messages, I was positive that she would wake up or have a conversation that would make her realize her stupidity and come running back.

[TobyBoy]

Dude!! Check your wife's call/text log online. Seek the truth!!!

[aMguilts]

I know it's of little comfort, but you'd be wrong. She just has the luxury of going through those stages in secret.

 

You cannot take her words at face value, I can assure you everything she says is crafted to reflect that "cavalier" attitude in an attempt to keep her resolute in her decision and lessen resistance from you.

 

TOJAZ

 

i agree

 

to put it another way

 

you have NO idea what SHE is feeling, thinking, doing

 

for all you know, she maybe crying every night and thinking ...well whatever

 

main thing is, you need to get out of the headspace you are in

i.e thinking about her

 

start thinking for yourself

start thinking what are YOU going to do

 

hugs

aM

[aMguilts]

Dude!! Check your wife's call/text log online. Seek the truth!!!

 

I really advise against this

 

why?

 

 

because you need to be focusing on yourself

not chasing ghosts

if she has or hasn`t , it`s irrelevant

its the past

think about what YOU want, start thinking of you and the future and how you will make it better

 

trust me...living in the past will get you nowhere

 

neither will dwelling on it

 

aM

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

I really advise against this

 

why?

 

 

because you need to be focusing on yourself

not chasing ghosts

if she has or hasn`t , it`s irrelevant

its the past

think about what YOU want, start thinking of you and the future and how you will make it better

 

trust me...living in the past will get you nowhere

 

neither will dwelling on it

 

aM

 

Thanks aM. I totally agree with this. I'm a grown-up. I've had my heart broken in the past so I've learned the futility of "chasing ghosts". This broken heart goes to eleven though because of the kids and the house and the need to pull thirteen years of stuff and friends and support systems apart.

 

I have to disagree with tojaz though. I've sat through the therapy. She looks right through me now. If she is hurting it isn't anywhere near what I am experiencing. You have to grant me that. And that kills me.

 

I hope I can get to that place were I start thinking about myself soon - but I'm just not there.

 

I met her for mediation today - we needed to discuss her wanting to move back into the house. Beforehand I caught myself worrying about how I looked. Crying in the bathroom as I watch my arms obsessively fix and re-fix my hair - discussed that I couldn't stop them.

 

I so desperately didn't want her to see how hurt I was. I think I just ended up looking like a guy who was trying desperately not to look hurt. Not sure if that's worse. During the session I couldn't look at her. I wanted to ask for a clause that required her to wear frumpy clothes and not shower for 24 hours before all future mediations. I knew that would make her laugh so I swallowed it and died a little more.

 

We agreed it was best that she stayed out. Her friends had gotten a hold of her and told her I might use her moving out in court to claim abandonment and take the kids - she cried at that - only the third time I have seen her cry in 9 months of therapy. I agreed I would not do that. She agreed to get an apartment.

 

The mediator said that was very honorable of me. Honor. That word just stuck in my head. Love, Honor and Cherish... I thought.

[PoopHappens]

Sorry to read your story, so sad. However having experienced similar vocalizations from my wife, I can say with near certainty there is another guy. This of course makes no difference to the outcome. It is a rare day that this happens this way without a real reason. "I don't love you" by itself doesn't normally push people out the door who have a good life at home.

[aMguilts]

you know what?

there is nothing wrong at all in being hurt.

or showing it

its wrong when you want to see your other half that you are hurt

or even that you WANT them too know you are hurting.

she doesn`t give a flying f uk at a rolling doughtnut about how you feel

 

no more than my wife does about me

 

get this in your head right now

 

she doesn`t care, if she did , she`d be with you now

 

i feel your pain from here. i really do

but,

there is nothing you can do except accept it

that is the biggest advice i can give to you

accept it

be happy with whatever

my stbxw is still playing games with me

and i`m sorry to say... i`m still letting her

 

ah thats another story

 

get busy,

 

 

aM

[tojaz]

I have to disagree with tojaz though. I've sat through the therapy. She looks right through me now. If she is hurting it isn't anywhere near what I am experiencing. You have to grant me that. And that kills me.

 

Thats because your behind the curve, and yes it's a killer. You can't apply how your experiencing things to her. Shes already processed all these things your feeling. She did that long before she brought the subject up to you. Your playing catch up. in effect your still pleading your case yet she has already held the trial and handed down a verdict... you just weren't invited.

That's why the chances of reconciliation can be so low in situations like this. She has already dug in and fortified her position before you even knew there was a problem.

 

TOJAZ

[2sunny]

Dude!! Check your wife's call/text log online. Seek the truth!!!

 

Yep, most likely she is interested in someone else!

[trippi1432]

Lucky, in my heart, I know that it's over. I know that she does not love me. Even if there was a chance, I have been so wounded by this I don't know if there was enough she could do to reset our foundation. I say that, but I would be lying if I did not say I struggle with that part of me that is still in denial. I think I have it caged and when I lift the box, its gone - loose in my brain again waiting to pounce when I hear the "ding" of new text message or see that I have a new email. "This is the one" - it whispers. The one where she admits she's made a mistake.

 

I know its not coming. And I hate myself every time I think that.

 

I don't think there is another man. Am I 100% certain - of course not. But she never hid her blackberry from me. She left her work laptop open constantly around the house - email open. And we've always had access to each others personal email accounts. I believe its what our therapist told me. I keep thinking that if she had cheated, at least I'd have a reason... instead I watched the light go out over time, helpless to do anything. Like watching someone die of Alzheimer. I know that's a foolish thought, and I don't mean to rank people's pain - I've read some truly painful stories here I consider worse than mine.

 

The hardest thing for me right now - 10 days in - is how far out in front she is from me. This has been something she's been thinking about for years. Now that its done she has this cavalier - lets get on with the formalities - attitude. I don't think she's lost a night of sleep over this.

 

ver13, I hear you.

 

OP, you are very prose in what you are feeling on here, your assessment on things. Does she know your feelings or are these things you only share in common with people who have been through similar situations? You say that she is not cheating, you have both been very open...why would she fall out of love with someone so willingly to put it here how much he loves her?

[aMguilts]

Thats because your behind the curve, and yes it's a killer. You can't apply how your experiencing things to her. Shes already processed all these things your feeling. She did that long before she brought the subject up to you. Your playing catch up. in effect your still pleading your case yet she has already held the trial and handed down a verdict... you just weren't invited.

That's why the chances of reconciliation can be so low in situations like this. She has already dug in and fortified her position before you even knew there was a problem.

 

TOJAZ

 

yep agree again!! ( what a brownnose i am )

 

i will add, the best way you can be is to show nothing but happiness and contentment around her. even if you dont feel that way then FAKE it!!

 

every time she see`s you and you look glum and miserable it just fortifies her resolve that she is doing the right thing

i have journals that i have written to myself ( about 4 a4 pads now) about little things that may help me

stuff i`ve read on here and other places

anyway... read somewhere once that no one will divorce a `happy` person. How much you read into that is up to you.

 

so even if you feel your world has collapsed ( which btw it hasn`t )

show her nothing but happiness and contentment

 

ok i`m waffleing!

 

keep your chin up

 

lifegoes

 

aM

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

every time she see`s you and you look glum and miserable it just fortifies her resolve that she is doing the right thing

aM

 

That's interesting aM. I feel you are correct but I can't logically understand why. Can you elaborate.

 

My only thought would be - its going to happen anyway so I might as well smile around her and confuse the s!@# out of her. But then I would be doing it to achieve some effect on her instead of for myself.

[TailSpin75]

Hi LGw - I see that you've read some of my comments to Tom on his thread but wanted to post to yours. Your story - as are so many - is so painful and genuinely heart breaking to read.

 

This process is both unique and excruciating - unlike any experience I could ever even imagine. A lot of what you describe I have experienced (and still do)... it seems the mind is so quick to recognize 'where' we want or 'should' be but my goodness it takes such a long time for the emotions to 'catch up'.

 

I too have (2) children (girls - 13 and 8) - it absolutely crushes me to see their pain - let alone the struggle I endure myself. As you've no doubt already heard thousands of time - it does get easier.

 

After 4.5 months I still feel (something you posted yesterday) that I want her to know how destructive her 'choice' is - not only to me but to the kids too. I avoided her almost completely for the first month or so - have only seen her a handful of times this years - and refused to communicate with her other than by email and only when necessary by text. In the past 2 or 3 weeks we've seen each other a couple times a week (kids are in counseling to help them cope and process their emotions) and there are softball games now. When I am around her - I am solid - not the broken man I feel inside. All of our interactions (which are still primarily by email) - has been kind, cordial, and on the edge of friendly.

 

This kills me - it really does, but one the one hand I refuse to become a monster - so I resist every urge to let my emotions choose my words or behavior and on the other hand - she has given up the right to know anything about how I feel. It took a long time... damn near a full 4 months for it to even be possible for me to maintain composure around her. Sometimes I still wonder if I can - but in ever case - I have been solid... not showboating, not over the top, and not 'happy' - but solid, normal, composed.

 

Her choices and actions are a reflection of her while how I respond to this seemingly persistent 'near death experience' is a reflection of me. I choose the high road and know that when I look back one day - will have no regrets for how I act or behave through this. I vent to friends and my journal - wrote (and continue to write) her letter after letter that she will never get to read.

 

Keep doing your best Lgw.

[aMguilts]

That's interesting aM. I feel you are correct but I can't logically understand why. Can you elaborate.

 

My only thought would be - its going to happen anyway so I might as well smile around her and confuse the s!@# out of her. But then I would be doing it to achieve some effect on her instead of for myself.

 

in bold

 

well yes and no

 

yes

you would be doing it to have some effect on her.

you are showing her that you are strong and confident and that you no longer NEED her in your life to make you happy

 

and no

dont do it for those reason , i.e to `confuse` the s**t out of her

do it because you really dont want to come across all sad and needy in front of her.... do you? Do you??

 

do it for yourself

 

every time she see`s you and you look glum and miserable it just fortifies her resolve that she is doing the right thing. elobarate?

 

err ok

well you haven`t really said WHY she feels she no longer loves you. If you did, and i missed it , i apologise

 

so whatever the reason is, quite frankly irrelevant. she has her reasons.

The worse possible thing you can to is to beg, grovel, plead,

throw youself into a bottle, stop looking after yourself, walk around looking like a bad of s**t and being unhappy and misserable.

 

Everyone and anyone on here will tell you , that is the biggest turnoff for a woman

so until you grow stronger and more confident and accept what is happening in your life right now ....FAKE it.

 

check out the 180 on here (somewhere i`ll look in a mo)

 

also after that check out worldgonewrongs 360

 

aM