For the last time.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

 

Demonstrating your seriousness and resolve to who? Your wife?

 

TOJAZ

 

To myself. Isn't that the fake it til you make advice?

 

Do I want a divorce - no. But if I know in my heart my marriage is over why not file? What good does it do me to wait for her to do it? As I said, I feel it will only bring me even more anxiety waiting. I've felt mostly powerless over the last few weeks - this is something I can take control of.

 

tinam, I still don't believe my wife has cheated physically. I can't tell you I'm 100% positive. I asked her 6 months ago when she first dropped the bomb and she said no. I don't know why she'd keep it from me now - the damage is done. Maybe I'm being naive but at this point it really doesn't matter and I don't want to know.

[tojaz]

To myself. Isn't that the fake it til you make advice?

 

Not unless you have another personality your trying to fake out! Fake it until you make it is more about how you project yourself, outwardly. Most people can't fake things to themselves.

 

 

Do I want a divorce - no. But if I know in my heart my marriage is over why not file? What good does it do me to wait for her to do it? As I said, I feel it will only bring me even more anxiety waiting. I've felt mostly powerless over the last few weeks - this is something I can take control of.

 

I'm not looking to start a debate, your the only one that can decide the best course of action for you. I'd also be lying if I said I didn't consider the same thing when I was in your shoes, just like you said, to try and feel like I had regained a little bit of control. Hired the lawyer, drew up the papers just to shred them a day later.

 

For me, it was a few things. First, I decided for myself that control over the date wasn't really control, its an illusion of control. I'd be just as divorced regardless of who signed the paper first.

 

Second, Theres no legal document, court hearing, or official marital status that was going to put an end to the emotional stress and anxiety. It doesn't work like a band-aid where the pain lasts less the quicker you get it over with.

 

Last and what was most important to me was that regardless of what happened, what she did, the stories she told, she was never going to be able to say that I divorced HER. She was never going to be able to say that I was the one that gave up. That means even more to me now then it did in the moment.

 

TOJAZ

[Shocked Suzie]

Not unless you have another personality your trying to fake out! Fake it until you make it is more about how you project yourself, outwardly. Most people can't fake things to themselves.

 

 

 

 

I'm not looking to start a debate, your the only one that can decide the best course of action for you. I'd also be lying if I said I didn't consider the same thing when I was in your shoes, just like you said, to try and feel like I had regained a little bit of control. Hired the lawyer, drew up the papers just to shred them a day later.

 

For me, it was a few things. First, I decided for myself that control over the

date wasn't really control, its an illusion of control. I'd be just as divorced regardless of who signed the paper first.

 

Second, Theres no legal document, court hearing, or official marital status that was going to put an end to the emotional stress and anxiety. It doesn't work like a band-aid where the pain lasts less the quicker you get it over with.

Last and what was most important to me was that regardless of what

happened, what she did, the stories she told, she was never going to be able to say that I divorced HER. She was never going to be able to say that I was the one that gave up. That means even more to me now then it did in the moment.

TOJAZ

 

Exactly how I feel I will leave it totally down to him to put the final nail in the coffin.... Not because I don't want a divorce, but exactly what you have said.... My exh also created this mess let him deal with all the crap paperwork that goes with it

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

 

Last and what was most important to me was that regardless of what happened, what she did, the stories she told, she was never going to be able to say that I divorced HER. She was never going to be able to say that I was the one that gave up. That means even more to me now then it did in the moment.

 

TOJAZ

 

I'll think about this tojaz.

[Steadfast]

It probably isn't wise to suggest filing for divorce as the clear-cut line of action LGW. Then again, it isn't wrong to advise it, given many factors. Certainly do not do anything at this point that you do not wish to do, but understand that few people (rather, few loving spouses) ever want divorce.

 

Your life is full of things that aren't pleasing. You're dealing with many issues not of your choosing. Divorce, in this case, changes that and restores to you a measure of control over your life. She's gone. She's not coming back (so you've said) so what's the difference? What's more noble; sitting by a window holding a candle in wait, or getting on with your life?

 

That's my take. Gone is gone. You have two choices: 1) Wait it out for as long as it takes to come to a decision you can live with or, 2) Act now.

 

No one will fault you for not making rash decisions. Then again, you may look back on this time and wish you'd acted sooner. I did. I was proactive and while I hated it and it was heartbreaking, I trusted the advice I was given. Yes, I felt like I was betraying her and breaking my promise, until I was made aware that I was keeping vows in a marriage that no longer existed. Our marriage didn't end when the divorce was final, it ended when she made the decision to step out. When she stopped caring about us.

 

In these cases, common sense is a better tool than instinct. IMO.

 

Second, Theres no legal document, court hearing, or official marital status that was going to put an end to the emotional stress and anxiety. It doesn't work like a band-aid where the pain lasts less the quicker you get it over with.

 

Citing what I wrote above, I have to say my experience was totally different. In my heart and mind I made an emotional and legal commitment to my wife. The minute the judge signed the papers I was no longer married. In my case, that meant I no longer had a cheating wife because I had no wife. Filing to divorce was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but the relief I gained is difficult to put into words. I felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted. Did I stop loving her? No. But i was no longer part of the equation. Her equation. I needed that.

 

Sure, she saw it as a vindictive act...possibly a shock-n-awe move to scare her back into the relationship. But even then, I had become aware of the lose-lose situation I was in. Nothing I did or said pleased her. Nothing I did or said made her attraction return. Not right away. Later, her attitude changed when she realized I simply wanted out of a bad marriage. I gave her exactly what she'd asked for. Deep down? I believe she didn't think I was capable of that...at least, not without being nasty about it.

 

Last and what was most important to me was that regardless of what happened, what she did, the stories she told, she was never going to be able to say that I divorced HER. She was never going to be able to say that I was the one that gave up. That means even more to me now then it did in the moment.

 

Taken at face value that all sounds very noble and just. When I look deeper, it seems a very effective way of cementing into place long-term guilt or blame. I don't know about anyone else, but my ex didn't have any problem re-writting history or fabricating her version of what happened. She felt justified in giving up and (at various times) hated me when I did. I honestly do not believe who filed and who didn't has (or had) any effect.

 

Know this: Tojaz loved his wife LGW and this is his method for expressing that and his foundation for moving on. I believe he's sincere and his posts are intelligent, caring and with good intentions. All good for consideration.

 

Finally, divorce is not a death sentence. Many divorced couples remarry and it's possible that the divorce (or the intent behind it) fortified the relationship. In my case, my radical ex grew to respect me. In time, it changed her long-term opinion of who and how I am. That means little to me, frankly, but it is healthy and helpful in her relationship with the kids.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Steadfast, I hope that one day I'll have tamed my emotions enough to express them as well as you.

[aMguilts]

To myself. Isn't that the fake it til you make advice?

 

Do I want a divorce - no. But if I know in my heart my marriage is over why not file? What good does it do me to wait for her to do it? As I said, I feel it will only bring me even more anxiety waiting. I've felt mostly powerless over the last few weeks - this is something I can take control of.

 

tinam, I still don't believe my wife has cheated physically. I can't tell you I'm 100% positive. I asked her 6 months ago when she first dropped the bomb and she said no. I don't know why she'd keep it from me now - the damage is done. Maybe I'm being naive but at this point it really doesn't matter and I don't want to know.

 

hey

 

listen

 

you will get this on here i`m afraid.

you will get statistics

you will get good advice

you will get bad advice

 

you will get advice that you need... and you can learn from, and i guess that also swings the other way too

 

but even THAT is help, it`s getting into your mind what not to do.

 

you WILL get the ppl that will ..think ..they know your wife and you better than you do

every divorce, separation is different

 

I dont`t know you, i don`t know your wife

She`s told you there is noone else????

i believe her

 

there isn`t anyone else

 

also, if you DON`T want a divorce

i`d really suggest NOT filing for one!!

i guess you also got that cr*p on here too????

 

She wants the divorce?... let HER file, let her do the `legwork`

 

you are REALLY headstrong, but you are starting to be wayward

 

i`m proud of your posts

 

you are strong in this

dont be sidewinded, with the do this and do that attitudes

 

keep posting

 

aM

[aMguilts]

It probably isn't wise to suggest filing for divorce as the clear-cut line of action LGW. Then again, it isn't wrong to advise it, given many factors. Certainly do not do anything at this point that you do not wish to do, but understand that few people (rather, few loving spouses) ever want divorce.

 

Your life is full of things that aren't pleasing. You're dealing with many issues not of your choosing. Divorce, in this case, changes that and restores to you a measure of control over your life. She's gone. She's not coming back (so you've said) so what's the difference? What's more noble; sitting by a window holding a candle in wait, or getting on with your life?

 

That's my take. Gone is gone. You have two choices: 1) Wait it out for as long as it takes to come to a decision you can live with or, 2) Act now.

 

No one will fault you for not making rash decisions. Then again, you may look back on this time and wish you'd acted sooner. I did. I was proactive and while I hated it and it was heartbreaking, I trusted the advice I was given. Yes, I felt like I was betraying her and breaking my promise, until I was made aware that I was keeping vows in a marriage that no longer existed. Our marriage didn't end when the divorce was final, it ended when she made the decision to step out. When she stopped caring about us.

 

In these cases, common sense is a better tool than instinct. IMO.

 

 

 

Citing what I wrote above, I have to say my experience was totally different. In my heart and mind I made an emotional and legal commitment to my wife. The minute the judge signed the papers I was no longer married. In my case, that meant I no longer had a cheating wife because I had no wife. Filing to divorce was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but the relief I gained is difficult to put into words. I felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted. Did I stop loving her? No. But i was no longer part of the equation. Her equation. I needed that.

 

Sure, she saw it as a vindictive act...possibly a shock-n-awe move to scare her back into the relationship. But even then, I had become aware of the lose-lose situation I was in. Nothing I did or said pleased her. Nothing I did or said made her attraction return. Not right away. Later, her attitude changed when she realized I simply wanted out of a bad marriage. I gave her exactly what she'd asked for. Deep down? I believe she didn't think I was capable of that...at least, not without being nasty about it.

 

 

 

Taken at face value that all sounds very noble and just. When I look deeper, it seems a very effective way of cementing into place long-term guilt or blame. I don't know about anyone else, but my ex didn't have any problem re-writting history or fabricating her version of what happened. She felt justified in giving up and (at various times) hated me when I did. I honestly do not believe who filed and who didn't has (or had) any effect.

 

Know this: Tojaz loved his wife LGW and this is his method for expressing that and his foundation for moving on. I believe he's sincere and his posts are intelligent, caring and with good intentions. All good for consideration.

 

Finally, divorce is not a death sentence. Many divorced couples remarry and it's possible that the divorce (or the intent behind it) fortified the relationship. In my case, my radical ex grew to respect me. In time, it changed her long-term opinion of who and how I am. That means little to me, frankly, but it is healthy and helpful in her relationship with the kids.

 

a lot of valid points that i totally agree on

and with

bottom line thou?

 

OP should be concentrating on his life and ways to make it better?

turn the need that is going on, into just a want?

Forget COMPLETELY about her, well, not completely

but find himself 1st and start thinking of himself 1st?

 

it`s ok to just say ... divorce her

he doesn`t want that

hugs steadfast

 

 

sorry for the third view LGW

 

 

aM

[Simpleoldschool]

So, LGW

 

I read through your post. Sad, tradgic. You can see what its doing to you by the way you describe the situation. You sound like a good man, on many levels. I offer my condolences.

 

As men, i think we beilieve there is a right or wrong action in the choices we make when someone says they are leaving.

 

The dichotomy is as such.

 

I dont want you to leave, but i cannot force you.

 

At such a point you must do right by yourself, however knowing you love someone. The person. Its hard to think about you and who you are so to make such a casual suggestion would seem rude.

 

Personally, tommorow is the day unseen. If you love your wife, dont file. You do not want to be the hand to engage it. You will hurt more from filing somthing you dont want to do.

 

To be honest, your wife is focusing all of her attention on herself so thoughts about leaving being right or wrong dont set in. You were good to her, how much better can you be if she says your leaving. However be the hope you dont see. Be patient and give yourself time to feelout your own emotions. Let yourself know what this means to you and then, be YOURSELF and do not lie to yourself to justify actions.

 

The hardest thing for people is to have an honest talk. Am driving to get my stuff from my W. im going to carefully try and talk to her. It might be stupid but i want to see the resuly of an opurtunity taken and not leave without knowing.

 

Good luck.

[Steadfast]

Steadfast, I hope that one day I'll have tamed my emotions enough to express them as well as you.

 

I apply effort to make an impression LGW. Isn't that what you came here for? To understand the situation better and gain some direction? You can.

 

I've walked the very same path you're on, and so have many others here. You are not alone. That's the value in LS and why I post here. If you do the work you will come out a better person than you were before. It is hard to imagine (or for you right now, see) the beauty of your situation, but it does exist. Approached properly our trials can transform us. Approached improperly they can devastate; make us bitter and withdrawn. The choice is yours. Each of us has to decide. Which will you choose?

 

The latter I suspect, given your words. Therefore, I'm confident you will.

 

Keep posting. Day-by-day LGW...hour-by-hour.

[aMguilts]

I apply effort to make an impression LGW. Isn't that what you came here for? To understand the situation better and gain some direction? You can.

 

I've walked the very same path you're on, and so have many others here. You are not alone. That's the value in LS and why I post here. If you do the work you will come out a better person than you were before. It is hard to imagine (or for you right now, see) the beauty of your situation, but it does exist. Approached properly our trials can transform us. Approached improperly they can devastate; make us bitter and withdrawn. The choice is yours. Each of us has to decide. Which will you choose?

 

The latter I suspect, given your words. Therefore, I'm confident you will.

 

Keep posting. Day-by-day LGW...hour-by-hour.

 

agree

 

We have all got to where we are now through sheer determination to get over what we are going through or at the very least to, errr cope

 

there`s no magic formula

 

you take what you you need and disregard the rest

 

and we all stick together

 

aM

[Caldespair]

Lgw

 

My 2 cents.

Im 5.5 months into seperation. Married 21 years, 2 kids, both teenagers.

She file for the D and I am glad it was her. I want to be viewed by my children as "not the one" wanting a divorce. If you file, who knows, your x could say, at later date, that you were the one who wanted divorce. We have heard of the past being rewritten to fit the ex's side. Let her file and hastle with it.

I was exactly where you were only 5 months ago. I am better, but this whole divorce thing becomes the new normal. A normal none of us wanted to be associated with but a normal that we can live with and adjust to. Hang in there!

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

A bout of intense crying erupts in me at least twice a day. Pretty much out of nowhere - I won’t even be thinking about her and the feeling just emerges as if startled from a sound sleep. I’ll feel it behind my eyes first. Then my face melts into the tragedy mask – the one on theater curtains. It’s out control at that point. Much like vomiting, I can’t predict the next wave and it feels like it’s never going to end while happening. I feel like a passenger in my own body – detached and waiting for the aftershocks to stop. It usually only last a minute or two.

 

Then there are occasions when I feel like I’ve accepted everything – like I can be at peace with all this. But then I catch myself and the grief inside my head screams “fraud!” Ruining the magic trick. I fall back into reoccurring memory of my wife pressed against my back, arms draped around my neck. Chin resting on my shoulder. I’m not sure if that ever really happened the way it's conjured in my head, but I grieve for it anyway.

 

I realized today that I haven’t said her name out loud in several weeks. I spoke it just once in my empty house and was amazed at how alien the word sounded. It sank to the floor like a day-old balloon pulled down by its string.

 

I went shopping for a dress shirt and tie a few days ago. It didn’t occur to me until I walked in the store what a mistake that was. Married men just don’t shop without their wives – who was going to tell me if it looked good? I was literally dumbfounded – I just told the guy to pick something out and put it in the bag. I didn’t even actually see what I’d bought until I opened my suitcase in Washington last night.

 

This week was another major hurdle. I went to my son’s clarinet recital at school. I knew she would be there, as would all of our married friends. I waited across the street until I saw her go inside. Even from 100 yards away her density pulled at my heart with the gravitation force of a black hole – she looked so good.

 

When I got inside I sat at the back, only looking at the floor or the stage, I didn’t want to see where she sat but I was able to triangulate her position by watching the people we knew – when someone noticed me they immediately turned to look at her. That’s when I realized I’d become a morbid celebrity amongst our friend – I was a topic of discussion around dinner tables – “did you hear about (my name) and (my wife)?!?!” I wondered how many of them were questioning their own marriages. Couples I thought for sure were going to get divorced were sitting side-by-side while I was hiding in the back from my future ex-wife.

 

Surreal.

Edited May 16, 2013 by LIFE.GOES.wrONg

[cozycottagelg]

A bout of intense crying erupts in me at least twice a day. Pretty much out of nowhere - I won’t even be thinking about her and the feeling just emerges as if startled from a sound sleep. I’ll feel it behind my eyes first. Then my face melts into the tragedy mask – the one on theater curtains. It’s out control at that point. Much like vomiting, I can’t predict the next wave and it feels like it’s never going to end while happening. I feel like a passenger in my own body – detached and waiting for the aftershocks to stop. It usually only last a minute or two.

 

Then there are occasions when I feel like I’ve accepted everything – like I can be at peace with all this. But then I catch myself and the grief inside my head screams “fraud!” Ruining the magic trick. I fall back into reoccurring memory of my wife pressed against my back, arms draped around my neck. Chin resting on my shoulder. I’m not sure if that ever really happened the way it's conjured in my head, but I grieve for it anyway.

 

I realized today that I haven’t said her name out loud in several weeks. I spoke it just once in my empty house and was amazed at how alien the word sounded. It sank to the floor like a day-old balloon pulled down by its string.

 

I went shopping for a dress shirt and tie a few days ago. It didn’t occur to me until I walked in the store what a mistake that was. Married men just don’t shop without their wives – who was going to tell me if it looked good? I was literally dumbfounded – I just told the guy to pick something out and put it in the bag. I didn’t even actually see what I’d bought until I opened my suitcase in Washington last night.

 

This week was another major hurdle. I went to my son’s clarinet recital at school. I knew she would be there, as would all of our married friends. I waited across the street until I saw her go inside. Even from 100 yards away her density pulled at my heart with the gravitation force of a black hole – she looked so good.

 

When I got inside I sat at the back, only looking at the floor or the stage, I didn’t want to see where she sat but I was able to triangulate her position by watching the people we knew – when someone noticed me they immediately turned to look at her. That’s when I realized I’d become a morbid celebrity amongst our friend – I was a topic of discussion around dinner tables – “did you hear about (my name) and (my wife)?!?!” I wondered how many of them were questioning their own marriages. Couples I thought for sure were going to get divorced were sitting side-by-side while I was hiding in the back from my future ex-wife.

 

Surreal.

 

This breaks my heart... I think of you every single day. I pray it gets easier for you

[MsOptimist]

You got through some big hurdles this week - great job! You survived them in one piece, and that is a victory.

 

You can go shopping for things like clothes by yourself - you did and you're not the only one who does that. It will be easier next time.

 

Getting through the recital with both of you there and mutual friends was huge - that too will get easier with time. I was so scared to go to a baby shower for my exH's best friend's wife because I knew that mutual friends would likely be there. But I pulled myself together, went, and was glad I did. Don't pay attention to what the other people are thinking or saying - hold your head high knowing that you didn't do anything wrong.

 

You're getting through a lot of "firsts" and it's tough. Let out those emotions when they hit you, it's a good thing to get them out.

[Steadfast]

That’s when I realized I’d become a morbid celebrity amongst our friend – I was a topic of discussion around dinner tables – “did you hear about (my name) and (my wife)?!?!” I wondered how many of them were questioning their own marriages. Couples I thought for sure were going to get divorced were sitting side-by-side while I was hiding in the back from my future ex-wife.

 

You are imaging (at least) part of that. And heaping more shame upon yourself. The problem? Your identity is wrapped in the marriage. Without it, you see yourself as a failure and assume others do to. You are wrong.

 

You do not have any control over your wife's actions. You never did. Before, her actions included you (at least in part) so everything was fine.

 

Please go back to my earlier post and work through the steps to bring yourself out of grief. Accept it, then piece together the vision you see for yourself going forward. Focus on what you must do to be a good father, a good employee, and a good friend to yourself. Redirect the love for her to you. Redirect the longing you feel for her to your future. Critical steps.

 

You weren't always 'her husband'. At one time, you were just you. The you that you were before you knew her. Seek that person out. He's there.

 

Honest emotion and actions are not to be dampened. Don't fake your emotions around her, yet, be seen by her (and everyone) the way you wish to be seen. Not happy with the situation, but not defeated by it.

 

Don't hide from her. Or anyone. Yet, don't subject yourself to anything you're not ready to face. Be honest with you. Be kind to you. Be real.

[worldgonewrong]

LGW- everything you wrote in your post yesterday, I could have written practically verbatim a couple years ago.

When I got inside I sat at the back, only looking at the floor or the stage, I didn’t want to see where she sat but I was able to triangulate her position by watching the people we knew – when someone noticed me they immediately turned to look at her. That’s when I realized I’d become a morbid celebrity amongst our friend – I was a topic of discussion around dinner tables – “did you hear about (my name) and (my wife)?!?!” I wondered how many of them were questioning their own marriages. Couples I thought for sure were going to get divorced were sitting side-by-side while I was hiding in the back from my future ex-wife.

^^^

This resonated intensely with me, from my own experience. When divorce/separation happens, a couple things occur among people on the sidelines: (1) other couples react like it's a faqing cancer that they might catch, and they react differently to you; and (2) depending on how the ex plays it, things become divided among 'friends'. I put friends in quotes because you see people's true colors when the ex is dishing out malicious lies/gossip behind your back. I shed a bunch of so-called 'friends' during my painful process, and truth be told, I'm glad. I knew they were never really there for me, nor interested in knowing or understanding me. Conversely, your REAL friends do step up to the plate, thank God.

The long and short of it is, I understand. But you're going to pull through this nightmare. It is an unholy nightmare, but eventually you WILL wake up.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Five weeks in. I haven't posted in a while but I've been following others' threads - drawing inspiration from their stories and the advice given. At this point I often feel good - not entirely happy but like I've accepted things. But then one of two things happen: 1) I feel like I *shouldn't* feel so good - like I'm guilty for feeling ok with all of this or 2) something happens that brings me face-to-face with the permanence of this and I become conscious of just how far down the well I've fallen.

 

What I hate the most are these fantasies I keep conjuring in my head when I pull up to my house or get a text message at an odd hour. Unconsciously, I imagine her surprising me - confronting me - wanting to tell me that she misses me - "I miss you" < that is what I expect to see on my phone. I start writing out the response in my head, toiling over a monologue I know I'm never going to give. It's like I become possessed; taken over by another person while I yell "Stop! Stop!" from under a pile a rubble in the back of my mind.

 

For those following my mess this is the weekend my wife has gone away to a dance event like the kind we use to do together. She's even competing for the first time - something I encourage her to do. Something I really wanted to watch her do.

 

In the vast scheme of the universe it seems completely mad that this should bother me as much as it does. I went out to a dance lesson tonight on my own to try and take my mind off things. I felt so good initially, doing something on my own. But it was ultimately a hollow experience, and only served to remind me how quickly my life has changed and how different it's become.

[Simpleoldschool]

IF i could say something.

 

Im glad that atleast from what i can tell, certain things are turning themselves in a positive direction.

 

If anything, just TRY to enjoy expieriences and soon enough you will and often. I have learned to force myself to be happy and then happiness becomes a habit. In simple things. If we assess our lives as vague, and trotting along then things seem more mundane. In this vagueness we most focus on what previously we had enjoyed while not focusing anything on our attention to enjoy the difference as most of all an opurtunity for ourselves and not apply the scrunity of what your W is doing towards you that you are also doing in response.

 

Try to maintain as little contact as possible with You W. Not for any other reason than for your peace on the matter. Similar involvements seem to refresh or highten the feeling and expierience of what you may or may not want to go through or are bitter-sweet about. im sure you are doing this, or at the very least are learning this.

 

Try to be happy about what your doing. its what your doing with your life and its the time your spending on you. everyone deserves their own time and comfort.

 

I think its good for people, to love themselves in the way they most want to be loved. if you get this down pat you know you arent going anywhere any time soon and usually its alot easier to be more casual with people and things and still be hapy expecting nothing and not lead to dissapointment in the same. It gives a sense and more over a proportion to who YOU are if nothing else.

 

It is my expierience that, one can be content with themselves. who they are and expierience a positive simply being the person they are.

 

If shes going to dance, invite someone if you know anyone. or get to know someone and invite them out- possible date?

 

i think its more about getting back to a "life" then anything else at this point. re-working yourself to adjust to a situation that although feels new will be filled with expieriences that you will be having if you dont focus on her.

 

those expieriences give more of a reason for yourself to go do things and a general focus of their own without having to really worry on the issues at hand. If you cannot talk to her, talk to someone who will listen. they may like what they see and take part in YOUR life. it seems most apparent when we are doing what we want we usually find people of common interest who participate with us.

 

hope you are ok. hope you are taking this all well.

Edited May 25, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[aMguilts]

IF i could say something.

 

Im glad that atleast from what i can tell, certain things are turning themselves in a positive direction.

 

If anything, just TRY to enjoy expieriences and soon enough you will and often. I have learned to force myself to be happy and then happiness becomes a habit. In simple things. If we assess our lives as vague, and trotting along then things seem more mundane. In this vagueness we most focus on what previously we had enjoyed while not focusing anything on our attention to enjoy the difference as most of all an opurtunity for ourselves and not apply the scrunity of what your W is doing towards you that you are also doing in response.

 

Try to maintain as little contact as possible with You W. Not for any other reason than for your peace on the matter. Similar involvements seem to refresh or highten the feeling and expierience of what you may or may not want to go through or are bitter-sweet about. im sure you are doing this, or at the very least are learning this.

 

Try to be happy about what your doing. its what your doing with your life and its the time your spending on you. everyone deserves their own time and comfort.

 

I think its good for people, to love themselves in the way they most want to be loved. if you get this down pat you know you arent going anywhere any time soon and usually its alot easier to be more casual with people and things and still be hapy expecting nothing and not lead to dissapointment in the same. It gives a sense and more over a proportion to who YOU are if nothing else.

 

It is my expierience that, one can be content with themselves. who they are and expierience a positive simply being the person they are.

 

If shes going to dance, invite someone if you know anyone. or get to know someone and invite them out- possible date?

 

i think its more about getting back to a "life" then anything else at this point. re-working yourself to adjust to a situation that although feels new will be filled with expieriences that you will be having if you dont focus on her.

 

those expieriences give more of a reason for yourself to go do things and a general focus of their own without having to really worry on the issues at hand. If you cannot talk to her, talk to someone who will listen. they may like what they see and take part in YOUR life. it seems most apparent when we are doing what we want we usually find people of common interest who participate with us.

 

hope you are ok. hope you are taking this all well.

 

Five weeks in. I haven't posted in a while but I've been following others' threads - drawing inspiration from their stories and the advice given. At this point I often feel good - not entirely happy but like I've accepted things. But then one of two things happen: 1) I feel like I *shouldn't* feel so good - like I'm guilty for feeling ok with all of this or 2) something happens that brings me face-to-face with the permanence of this and I become conscious of just how far down the well I've fallen.

 

What I hate the most are these fantasies I keep conjuring in my head when I pull up to my house or get a text message at an odd hour. Unconsciously, I imagine her surprising me - confronting me - wanting to tell me that she misses me - "I miss you" < that is what I expect to see on my phone. I start writing out the response in my head, toiling over a monologue I know I'm never going to give. It's like I become possessed; taken over by another person while I yell "Stop! Stop!" from under a pile a rubble in the back of my mind.

 

For those following my mess this is the weekend my wife has gone away to a dance event like the kind we use to do together. She's even competing for the first time - something I encourage her to do. Something I really wanted to watch her do.

 

In the vast scheme of the universe it seems completely mad that this should bother me as much as it does. I went out to a dance lesson tonight on my own to try and take my mind off things. I felt so good initially, doing something on my own. But it was ultimately a hollow experience, and only served to remind me how quickly my life has changed and how different it's become.

 

life

you`ve seen toms thread and the way he is feeling?

and what he`s going through?

 

and in your own words you have said you are going through the same?

 

so why the sad post tonight??

 

how quickly life can change???

from what i replied to you in tom`s thread you know it can!

(wanna swap places with your friend??)

 

i can see what your saying

 

and i get strength from your replies

 

BUT, at least you are trying, you haven`t given up on YOURSELF

 

 

i admire you for that:D

 

aM

Edited May 25, 2013 by aMguilts

[Shocked Suzie]

Five weeks in. I haven't posted in a while but I've been following others' threads - drawing inspiration from their stories and the advice given. At this point I often feel good - not entirely happy but like I've accepted things. But then one of two things happen: 1) I feel like I *shouldn't* feel so good - like I'm guilty for feeling ok with all of this or 2) something happens that brings me face-to-face with the permanence of this and I become conscious of just how far down the well I've fallen.

 

What I hate the most are these fantasies I keep conjuring in my head when I pull up to my house or get a text message at an odd hour. Unconsciously, I imagine her surprising me - confronting me - wanting to

tell me that she misses me - "I miss you" < that is what I expect to see on my phone. I start writing out the response in my head, toiling over a monologue I know I'm never going to give. It's like I become possessed; taken over by another person while I yell "Stop! Stop!" from under a pile a rubble in the back of my

mind.

 

For those following my mess this is the weekend my wife has gone away

to a dance event like the kind we use to do together. She's even competing for the first time - something I encourage her to do. Something I really wanted to watch her do.

 

In the vast scheme of the universe it seems completely mad that this should bother me as much as it does. I went out to a dance lesson tonight on my own to try and take my mind off things. I felt so good initially, doing

something on my own.

But it was ultimately a hollow experience, and only served to remind me how quickly my life has changed and how different it's become.

 

Firstly your previous post, I can totally relate to and it broke my heart as I understand and feel your pain...you know what though, it shows you, I and others ARE going through the normal healing process...your doing great!

 

I'm fortunate as I don't have thoughts of my H coming back...granted I've had a few thoughts of him falling flat on his face:D but as I don't want him back my mind tends to wander at our time together 'happy times' these I try not to think about too much atm as I find they start to drag me down...as do your fantasy thoughts do to you, maybe try to think more along the lines of personal goals, you moving forward...doing things you fancied doing, no matter how simple they are, dream of them, do them....

 

Your hollow feeling is one that I dread the most! I've decided 'right or wrong' I've got no idea...but I've decided to avoid things that I feel that will set off those triggers, just for now as I know I'm not quite strong enough to face them and my energy at the moment is needed else where.

 

Small steps, thats what I keep reminding myself...that and not to dwell on the what if's or past

 

Your doing great your moving forward!!

Edited May 26, 2013 by Shocked Suzie
Typo..bloody iPad

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

life

 

so why the sad post tonight??

 

 

aM

 

Hey aM,

 

Overall, I do feel like I'm moving forward and I'm not sad most of the time - but when I am... oh boy.

 

I guess I post more when I feel like I need to dump something painful somewhere - sorry the rest of you have to tread through it

Edited May 26, 2013 by LIFE.GOES.wrONg

[2sunny]

Hey aM,

 

Overall, I do feel like I'm moving forward and I'm not sad most of the time - but when I am... oh boy.

 

I guess I post more when I feel like I need to dump something painful somewhere - sorry the rest of you have to tread through it

 

It's good to cry - cry all the sadness out!

 

There's good therapy in letting go of the sadness of what "was supposed to be" - knowing the reality that the other spouse forfeited that reality is what helped me come to grips with the mindset that I better "get busy living or get busy dying".

 

For a while - I got busy dying - then I realized that I deserved to be happy all on my own. That MY happiness didn't depend on my exH being by my side. That I deserved the best in life - and the best wasn't the man that cheated on me.

 

It was an adjustment after being with him for 23 years - but I pulled myself up and decided to live again.

 

And life is what I'm living! To the full extent of living!!! I go where I want - with who I want - for as long as I want! And there's nobody to tell me how I should BE in order to find happiness = that is up to me!

 

After I started doing it this way for a while - its amazingly fun! It's freedom! I can date men who are 50 or 30 - and no one can tell me how to live. I live by my conscience and truth.

 

It's been heaven!

 

Life will get better - but you need to keep moving forward and let go of the past. What's done is done - time for life to begin again.

[WreckedDan]

I wish I knew of any posters from Washington state... LGW, WGW, Suzzie, Sunny etc.. would be nice to get together and talk this stuff out. I hate living in fear, and pain all the time.

 

Best wishes LGW,

Dan

[Shocked Suzie]

I wish I knew of any posters from Washington state... LGW, WGW, Suzzie, Sunny etc.. would be nice to get together and talk this stuff out. I hate living in fear, and pain all the time.

 

Best wishes LGW,

Dan

 

Would be great to meet up with everyone hey....unless you fancy a trip to sunny Oz think most people on here are in the US, some in the UK....doesn't seem many in the AU sadly