For the last time.

[aMguilts]

Would be great to meet up with everyone hey....unless you fancy a trip to sunny Oz think most people on here are in the US, some in the UK....doesn't seem many in the AU sadly

 

hey S.S

 

i`m booking the ticket right now!!!

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Hey aM,

 

Overall, I do feel like I'm moving forward and I'm not sad most of the time - but when I am... oh boy.

 

I guess I post more when I feel like I need to dump something painful somewhere - sorry the rest of you have to tread through it

 

hey life

 

checkout this page

5 Scientific Reasons Your Idea of Happiness Is Wrong | Cracked.com

 

v interesting stuff to read

 

also like sunny said it`s good to post when you feel like that

well, it helps me anyway

 

aM

[Steadfast]

What I hate the most are these fantasies I keep conjuring in my head when I pull up to my house or get a text message at an odd hour. Unconsciously, I imagine her surprising me - confronting me - wanting to tell me that she misses me - "I miss you" < that is what I expect to see on my phone. I start writing out the response in my head, toiling over a monologue I know I'm never going to give. It's like I become possessed; taken over by another person while I yell "Stop! Stop!" from under a pile a rubble in the back of my mind.

 

You're being a little hard on yourself, but posting this is a form of therapy. Here's hoping the responses help and give you some encouragement.

 

Many of us can relate to these mind movies and fantasies. It's proof that your mind knows where you are, but your heart has rejected the memo. It'll continue to send these scenarios to your mind until the love begins to fade. Time and circumstance will take care of that, but in the meantime...

 

When I grew weary of this struggle between my heart and mind, I used the very effective tool of retracing the steps that brought me to where I was. Reminding myself that I didn't want this, I verbally told my heart and mind that this is what she wants. This is what she has chosen. I may not have completely understood and I certainly didn't like it, but reminding myself of the reality helped me plan my strategy. I don't have this, but I do have this. I can't go here, but I can go there. It defined my situation.

 

A great benefit of this self-training was increased confidence, due to the fact that I was regaining control of not just my life, but my emotions. I took comfort in knowing I wouldn't hurt myself, which allowed the worry to slowly disappear. When it did, I found I no longer felt dread when I saw her. I no longer felt the pull of emotion, or the sadness of loss.

 

I took my power back, and everything changed. About two years ago, my ex tearfully asked how I could stop wanting her. Was I so angry that hate killed my desire? I told her it wasn't fed, so it starved to death. I still don't think she knows what love is, but I'm hoping she's closer to finding out.

 

Even now, some five (!!) years later, the occasional troubling thought will drift into my head...or invade my dreams. I've learned to take it in stride. After all, I was a husband that loved his wife. We can't change history.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

 

When I grew weary of this struggle between my heart and mind, I used the very effective tool of retracing the steps that brought me to where I was. Reminding myself that I didn't want this, I verbally told my heart and mind that this is what she wants. This is what she has chosen. I may not have completely understood and I certainly didn't like it, but reminding myself of the reality helped me plan my strategy. I don't have this, but I do have this. I can't go here, but I can go there. It defined my situation.

 

 

Steadfast, can you elaborate at all on this? I really need to get these fantasies under control.

[Steadfast]

It isn't some amazing shortcut to healing...nothing that profound. It's a coping method mostly; something I used to get through the dark times.

 

If you are like I was, you're experiencing multiple issues including shock, residual denial, affection withdrawal and intense grief. Any of these alone can cause plenty of stress, but combined, one can expect massive depression and sleep disorders that result in everything from weight loss to teeth falling out. Mental and emotional healing follows physical healing. Physical healing requires a healthy diet, exercise, and deep, restful sleep.

 

It isn't rocket science. You must take care of yourself. OK?

 

I really loved her and agonized over my role in the breakup. Which (after initially telling me it was her, not me) eventually fell to all the ways I had disappointed her. When grief would wake me, I'd retrace all that happened to me up to that point. When the fantasy monologue would begin, I'd stop it by reminding myself of critical points in time: I told her I loved her and didn't want to break up our family. She said these things happen. I told her I was sorry for all that I'd done, lets get some help. She responded by saying I deserved better. I said don't give up. She said 'don't tell me what to do.' See the pattern? It took me awhile.

 

I played these facts over and over until it finally sunk in. When it did, I realized that I wanted more. I truly did deserve better and I wanted to be a good example for my kids. I replayed the facts over and over until...

 

You can't make someone do what they don't want to do. This is especially true in romance. Rejection can be crippling when we love someone. It's strong enough to allow fantasy to intercede when reality isn't delivering.

 

Accept her actions. Ignore her words. They will cause the pain and wonder to continue. You do not want to live in limbo. Find your path, and take it.

 

Set your priorities. Focus. Accept reality, but don't dwell on the negatives.

[Shocked Suzie]

Great advice Steadfast

 

I also believe in positive self talk, think if you constantly talk everything down including yourself...you will start to believe it and live it.

 

When I feel like s!@t I try to picture the whole situation and then think, you know what it could be a lot worse if ______ And pull myself out of the negative thought. When I think of my H 'the good times' I quickly remind myself of the moments he's knocked me sideways...then quickly onto how can I make this stop/change and focus on that, moving forward. I also try not to think of too far ahead, although Its important to have simple realistic goals and personal aims.

 

This combined with eating regularly and some exercise makes you feel as good as you can under really stressful times....it does work and it does take time to do and sometimes you slip, allow this to happen but don't allow yourself to wallow for too long.

 

Try to find some good divorce recovery books, it's an effective way to pull yourself out of a low spot and highlight that what you are feeling is normal.

 

SS

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

I have been reading some books which have helped Suzie (BTW, sorry to hear about your house). And to Steadfast's point, I have also been agonizing over the role I played in breaking up my marriage. I worry I've gone too far and take on too much of the blame. I just want *something* to come from this experience in the end that makes it worth it.

 

So, my 10 year old is really showing emotional strain over this. I think he only shows it to me since I'm the parent living in his "home" (wife still has not found an apartment) and putting him down at night (when it mostly occurs).

 

I'm not sure if I should let my wife know. I know she is probably experiencing tremendous guilt right now - I don't want her to perceive me telling her as a way of "piling on". But I feel she should know.

 

It also makes me very anxious now whenever I see or communicate with her. We've worked out a temp schedule where I don't have to physically see her and I never text or email her. Sometimes I wonder if my strict adherence to No Contact makes the in-between time easier at the sake of making it much harder on me when I do see her. Right now I've just decided to adopt whatever policies that reduce my anxieties.

[Steadfast]

Sometimes I wonder if my strict adherence to No Contact makes the in-between time easier at the sake of making it much harder on me when I do see her.

 

Conversely, ask yourself if you'd be happier if you were happier with her around. As opposed to being miserable the rest of the time. It isn't an exact science LGW; there are no 'perfect' solutions. Sometimes, you must pick between the lesser of two evils. Best to stay away from her.

 

A few weeks back, Gunny wrote probably the most profound thing I've read here; "Why is everyone in such a hurry to make the pain disappear?" He is spot on right; pain is part of the healing process. A critical part. It's the part that educates us. It's the part of the lesson we remember. Easy to say, I know, but don't be so afraid of the pain. It is there for a reason.

 

Right now I've just decided to adopt whatever policies that reduce my anxieties.

 

The best thing I've seen you write thus far. You're getting the idea. Walk before you run. Practice on a few corpses before cutting into someone's live brain. Healing isn't a sprint. One day at a time. One problem at a time.

 

Tell her about any problem with the kids you even suspect she isn't aware of. That's the easy part. The hard part is getting the response you desire, or need. Or expecting her to know what to do, or even act like she does. Her guilt is her problem. Tell her what you know and drop it. See to him.

 

Keep posting.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

 

A few weeks back, Gunny wrote probably the most profound thing I've read here; "Why is everyone in such a hurry to make the pain disappear?" He is spot on right; pain is part of the healing process. A critical part. It's the part that educates us. It's the part of the lesson we remember. Easy to say, I know, but don't be so afraid of the pain. It is there for a reason.

 

Keep posting.

 

Thanks for reminding me! I now know what I can tell my son.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Wife found an apartment today. Moving into another phase - breaking up the stuff and time with the kids.

 

[Lost in NYC]

Hello,

 

I am new to this site and am reaching out for support. Your original posting touched me as if I myself wrote it. I feel your pain and live it. I am so sorry about the breakup of your famliy and life.

 

I like to consider myself intelligent and somewhat wise but through all this I have behaved completely the opposite. Through all this experience I have heard things like "It will get better in time." You know all the cliches I am sure. You are a well written, loving compassionate man, the way you express yourself speaks to that. Please, like I am trying to do, believe the cliches and look to the better days to come. I am hurting terribly and have to reasonably believe there is only one way for us to go.

 

Your new friend (if you will have me),

Ken

[worldgonewrong]

 

A few weeks back, Gunny wrote probably the most profound thing I've read here; "Why is everyone in such a hurry to make the pain disappear?" He is spot on right; pain is part of the healing process. A critical part. It's the part that educates us. It's the part of the lesson we remember. Easy to say, I know, but don't be so afraid of the pain. It is there for a reason.

 

 

It's already been quoted in this thread, but I'm going to do it again because it's SPOT ON.

 

Without the pain I experienced, I would not have understood patience, compassion, and GRATITUDE as clearly as I do now.

[2sunny]

That's great news!

 

Now you can begin moving forward!

 

Keep things you want! Don't feel you need to say yes to her requests to remove things from he house.

 

No is a sufficient answer.

[Shocked Suzie]

It's already been quoted in this thread, but I'm going to do it again because it's SPOT ON.

 

Without the pain I experienced, I would not have understood patience, compassion, and GRATITUDE as clearly as I do now.

 

 

 

Each day can have such highs & lows, there are days i want to stand and be strong, 'on these days i fully agree and understand Gunnys post'. Thankfully i have more of these thoughts than...

 

...the days i just want to run away, sleep, feel so rejected and still feel in so much shock 'on these days i can't wait for the pain to go'

 

I suppose 'for me anyway' after one of those moments of blissful seconds of forgetting... i just wonder how long it will be that when i have a thought, remember...or do something silly that triggers a memory...i just wonder how long it will be until this stops happening, i think im doing just fine and something quite simple sets me back once again...starts to drive you nuts after a while

 

As i've said in my post i'm just gonna roll with the punches, get up and move on....that's the only thing i can think of doing!! don't know what else to do.

[WreckedDan]

LGW, this is a phase that actually helped me heal a lot I think. If you can start to gather her stuff together for her, bag it, box it, put it together so it can be removed quickly, this will give yoi a sense of doing things for yourself. Also start cleaning freakin everything, walls, laundy dishes, clean her presence out of your home. Was very cathardic for me.

 

Hope that jelps some,

Dan

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

My house is like the bloated, rotting corpse of a whale, unnaturally large and empty with gaping holes where the predators ripped off huge chunks of life. An empty shell with walls so frail they can hardly prevent the cold, outside air from passes right threw them, chilling the walls of the cavern where my heart used to be.

 

I did that thing - I came home after she left and opened her closet door. It was a hole I hadn't seen since we bought the house - how different, I thought, my life was when I saw it back then. Gone were the colors and textures of woman's clothing. The shoes, belts and floral patterns men would never see in their homes without wives. Only a single, thin hanger remained like the fragile bones of carcass picked clean.

 

I sat on the bed and wept, partly from sadness, and partly because it was so cliché. I knew the scene I was stepping into was from a bad soap opera but I played the part anyway. I was doing pretty well too. Sure, I have to leave my office once or twice a day to walk around the block and cry - pretending to talk into my cell phone to provide *some* cover from anyone who might ask "are you ok?" (I feel sorry for the person who might ask me that). But that has become part of my regular routine now - like brushing my teeth.

 

This "separating the stuff" has really tested my limits. Going through drawers and opening up the boxes that stored the souvenirs of our marriage. Pictures... the pictures... each one as heavy as a brick. I wadded up a photo from our wedding so tightly in the palm of my hand that I nearly drew blood.

 

When I look at them now I'm not sad so much because of what I've lost but because I wish I'd appreciated those moments more when the pictures were taken. I didn't realize I could loose it all.

 

I hope I carry that forward with me when I get through this sh@#.

Edited June 5, 2013 by LIFE.GOES.wrONg

[Shocked Suzie]

Hard but a step in the right direct ....

 

It's hell isn't it, simple things like the hole in the closet can turn the mood...I was out tonight with my kids and was sitting the a restaurant and the thought popped into my head ...the last time I was here I was blissfully happy, the four of us on a family evening out. Walked into our investment home today and did the same thing, last time I went in there I was painting walls with my H.

 

Can't wait for those moments to go too!

 

Tonight had a fab and funny night out with my kids, we lauged so much our stomachs hurt...made those moments today seem in the past, we'll get there!

 

Keep strong LGW

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Into my third month and I can feel the sutures of acceptance pulling the shards of my life back together - the little piece at first. I still have daily bouts of depression/crying but it's not so much for her now as it is for what we had built that is left behind. Almost for what could have been - in a weird way - if only this or that were different. But of course, that's not the way it is. I feel sad that my relationship needed to be destroyed in order for me to understand how it worked. But that's life I guess.

 

I'm dealing with a lot of anger. I've had a short fuse around the house - barking at my kids for just being kids. They're just normal 8 and 10 year olds - you have to say something 5 times before they hear it. But I get frustrated really easily now and that frustration taps into my anger and quickly boils over. I walk away feeling like a monster - hating my wife for turning me into it. Tonight, after an out-burst, I took a break, returned and apologized. My oldest said it was OK and that he had talked with my wife about this - that she had asked how I was doing and he told her I was "grumpy".

 

I told him that was ok but inside I was seething. I don't want her to know my feelings... what business does she have asking my kids how I'm doing anyway?! I don't ask them how she's doing. And I don't want my kids seeing me as an angry person without the context. Should I explain to them that I'm angry at my wife - their mom - for putting us all in this situation?

[tojaz]

I Should I explain to them that I'm angry at my wife - their mom - for putting us all in this situation?

 

I'm pretty sure you already know the answer to that one. It wouldn't be a bad play to let them know that you aren't mad at them though, if you find that monster returning.

[Shocked Suzie]

Into my third month and I can feel the sutures of acceptance pulling the shards of my life back together - the little piece at first. I still have daily bouts of depression/crying but it's not so much for her now as it is for what we had built that is left behind. Almost for what could have been - in a weird way - if only this or that were different. But of course, that's not the way it is. I feel sad that my relationship needed to be destroyed in order for me to understand how it worked. But that's life I guess.

 

I'm dealing with a lot of anger. I've had a short fuse around the house - barking at my kids for just being kids. They're just normal 8 and 10 year olds - you have to say something 5 times before they hear it. But I get frustrated really easily now and that frustration taps into my anger and quickly boils over. I walk away feeling like a monster - hating my wife for turning me into it. Tonight, after an out-burst, I took a break, returned and apologized. My oldest said it was OK and that he had talked with my wife about this - that she had asked how I was doing and he told her I was "grumpy".

 

I told him that was ok but inside I was seething. I don't want her to know my feelings... what business does she have asking my kids how I'm doing anyway?! I don't ask them how she's doing. And I don't want my kids seeing me as an angry person without the context. Should I explain to them that I'm angry at my wife - their mom - for putting us all in this situation?

 

ok this has to stop, the last thing you want is for your kids to not want to be with you or feel they cant talk to you...take it back a step...is it just the situation? work pressure?? don't forget they are grieving too, their behaviors might be their way of dealing with things....and btw every kids need to be told 5 times before doing anything lol

 

i found that as my ex has been really slack that i find at times the whole single parent thing a bit overwhelming and it did my head in a bit that its all down to me now...seriously my ex doesn't give any input.

 

..instead of it feeling full on, maybe think sod it lets have some fun, do small simple stuff with them, dont make everything a battle...if you are battling with them it just makes things twice as hard and really heavy

 

i wouldnt say that to them about your wife in that text, but its ok to say to them that you are finding things hard, that the situation has made you feel really sad inside and at times angry... explain your emotions to them,communicate with them, build a relationship with them...

 

its ok for them to see that this is all upsetting...but not in an angry way as they will start to think that its their fault and that your angry with them not her

 

 

SS x

[aMguilts]

stop getting angry at your kids

it`s not their fault

they never asked to be born

you need to take it out on somone?

take it out on your wife

or me

 

aM

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

I have sat down with them and told them on many occasions that these issues are not their fault. I don't want to give the impression that I'm "daddy dearest" here. The reason I even bring it up is because its *atypical* for me to blow up. I know its all the stress, fear and resentment towards my wife for forcing me into this new role. I have to adjust.

[worldgonewrong]

Should I explain to them that I'm angry at my wife - their mom - for putting us all in this situation?

 

NO. A thousand times NO.

 

Don't do that.

a) they're too little to comprehend a grown-up/relationship tragedy like this

and

b) you will conflict them and cause psychological damage. Remember, your kids are ALWAYS 50% of your stbx-wife too.