For the last time.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

well until you divorce , you put you are married, you can change it later

 

That one really stung for a while.

[aMguilts]

That one really stung for a while.

 

whys that?

 

you`re doing good

 

from what you reply you seem to be in a really good mindset

yeah it does sting sometimes

 

but it doesn`t last long

 

aM

[Shocked Suzie]

Thanks aM. It seems like there are many people here who have it far worse than me... but I'm in significant pain this morning.

 

Weekends are bad. Mornings are always worse. Monday mornings are by far the worst!

 

Into my third week now. I was doing fine Saturday but have since been stepping into traps that remind me this is real. They sting like hell and knock the wind out of me. Examples:

 

Was sitting with my boys Friday night watching TV when I heard (what I thought) was the the front door latch opening. Immediately thought - mommies home! Then reality flooded in like a fire hose on a birthday candle. It was the cat - of course. Mommy's not coming home from work late anymore.

 

Had one of those reflex, knee spasms while sleeping. My muscle memory went haywire when my foot slipped through her side of the bed - not striking the warm leg that used to be there. My "I'm sorry" had no-one to hear it. Woke up and cried the rest of the night.

 

Was filling out an application for health insurance (now that I'm dropping off my stbxw plan). Hit the third question like a brick wall: "single-married or divorced?" Oh great, now I can't fill out applications anymore. Took a walk for an amount of time not measured in minutes but in tears. It was a long walk.

 

If anyone knows anymore traps I should prepare for please share.

 

Gunny, I love your posts man.

 

i used to do that, used to think i heard his car coming up the drive, its the silly little things that set you off...i was asked is the Miss, Ms or Mrs the other day took me ages to answer! i actually feel like a failure that i will soon be divorced always thought i was one of those people that would be married until the end.

 

not sure of anymore traps...bet there's a fair few that will come sadly hey

 

you are doing great, hang in there

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

i actually feel like a failure that i will soon be divorced always thought i was one of those people that would be married until the end.

 

I did too Suzie. I think that was part of how I may have contributed to this - we were married and I assumed we would always be, so, perhaps I subconsciously disregarded signs?

[Shocked Suzie]

I did too Suzie. I think that was part of how I may have contributed to this - we were married and I assumed we would always be, so, perhaps I subconsciously disregarded signs?

 

 

I've thought the very same thing and looking back there were signs and i had little nagging gut feelings, i will never ignore those again! if only he'd spoken up...too late now! it hurts that he must have felt i wasn't worth the fight

[trippi1432]

I year ago my wife sat me down in a near panic. She told me she was having thoughts about getting out of the marriage. She didn't feel like I was tuned into her enough. I tried to give her what she needed but I never seemed to get it right. I'm more laid back and she's more controlling which stems from a dysfunctional relationship with her mother (who is also very controlling).

 

Our arguments usually started because I put a bowl back in the wrong cupboard, or forgot to notice that something needed to be taken care of or put back in order (forgot to bring the trashcans in off the street or something). She interpreted these as signs of me not being tuned into her needs. I'm not lazy and I'm not a slob. It just didn't seem like a big deal to me at first. I loved her and I thought that was enough. But now I don't think she ever really loved me. Like the therapist said- she chose to love me so she was always weighing that choice against other options. We would argue about little things instead of addressing the real issue - which I think someone here stated very well - she started to see me as an obstacle to *something* in her life. What? I don't know.

 

Many have said its another man - but I think its the opposite. She wants total control of her life without having to answer to someone else.

 

We started therapy a few months after that first time she told me she wanted out. I found out that she had been feeling that way for several years. That was devastating. During therapy I really tried to be more tuned into her. I really wanted to save the marriage but I could see now, in hindsight, that she was gone. I think subconsciously I knew so I become more defensive - not wanting to put my heart too far out there - constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. That made things worse.

 

I January I told her I felt like I was the only one trying to save the marriage. That's when I asked her point blank if she loved me anymore. The rest is in my initial post.

 

The last two weeks have been hard, but I've come to accept that this is necessary because it was inevitable. I don't know if I can be mad at my wife for loosing a feeling - I hope I can someday if it helps me get out if this shock and depression.

 

I always felt like I married up - like my wife as outside my league. This has really shaken my sense of self-worth. I feel discarded, left behind. I have to find a way to unlove her some how.

 

It is hard to accept when these are the issues, because they are really trivial on the grand scheme of things. Simple things that can be worked on...and it's not to be said that she won't realize it later, that her unhappiness is with herself and the need to control.

 

My exH was like this in a lot of ways too, nothing I did ever made him happy. I see that same disposition in my own mother sometimes, but I am more like my father (so much it makes my mom ill. lol!). Several months after he left, he called one day to tell me that he realized that a lot of the things he raged about were really small things and he didn't know why he was like that. He can be like that still with his new wife and even our son too...three years later. Some things don't ever change, some things do.

 

It's going to be a roller-coaster for a while on the emotional front. There will be triggers, there will good times and there will be bad times as you go through this. Keep posting, you are not alone in these struggles.

[Mr. Lucky]

We started therapy a few months after that first time she told me she wanted out. I found out that she had been feeling that way for several years. That was devastating. During therapy I really tried to be more tuned into her. I really wanted to save the marriage but I could see now, in hindsight, that she was gone. I think subconsciously I knew so I become more defensive - not wanting to put my heart too far out there - constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. That made things worse.

I don't think people realize how damaging it is to a marriage when one partner drops the "D"ivorce bomb as a viable alternative. In some ways, there's no going back because the "leaving" partner sees everything from that perspective and the "staying" partner is acutely aware of this. How can you be yourself when you live in constant fear that the other person will leave? It quickly becomes a no win situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gunny376]

If anyone knows anymore traps I should prepare for please share.

 

I realize that this may come as a shock ~ for many of your here ~ coming from me ~ but this may get kind of long. I will try and keep it as short and to the point as possible

 

Are there any more traps? Yes and they are many of them. Trouble is that there are some that some fall into and then there are others that some just skip right over.

 

This is because we're all unique individuals and human beings, with unique identities, and histories. Its a paradox, our situations are all similar but uniquely different in their own right.

 

The best that I can offer up is to suggest you read a couple of books. They're all in paperback and so can be picked for less than $10.

 

The first is a book titled "Passages" Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life: Gail Sheehy: 9780553271065: Amazon.com: Books I highly recommend it for any and everyone ~ even if your not going through the "Big "D"

 

The seconds titled "Crazy Time" Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life, Revised Edition: Abigail Trafford: 9780060923099: Amazon.com: Books

 

I would also recommend "What To Say When You Talk To Yourself" What to Say When you Talk To Yourself: Shad Helmstetter: 9780671708825: Amazon.com: Books

 

I invested in "Overcoming Anxiety and Depression" Midwest Center for Stress & Anxiety which I gained a lot from. It was good in that you play the CDs over and over and over until you've got its message pounded into your head. It also comes with some wallet size cards that you can carry around and refer throughout your day as well as a workbook.

 

Another good resource that I invested in was "Light Your Fire" by Ellen Kreidman Ph.D of "Light Her Fire" and "Light His Fire" Light His Fire/ Light Her Fire: A Program for Men and Women (Light Her Fire 6 audio cassettes and workbook; Light His Fire 6 audio cassettes and workbook): Ph.D. Ellen Kreidman: Amazon.com: Books The latter two will come in handy when you decide to get back "out there" in the dating/mating/relationship game.

 

There's an e-book that I purchased that was written by a middle age man who had been married for 20+ years. Its not a book about how to become a PUA (Pick Up Artist) but written more from the perspective of someone that had been married for a long time and suddenly found themselves cast back out into the life of being single. It was a really good book, in that it pointed out a lot of the pit-falls that befall you when re-entereing the dating world. I printed it off, and have it in a three ring binder, unfortunately its 04:13 in the morning and its in the "Black Hole" in some tote. I'll try and find it for you to get the author's name and the title of the book.

 

A couple of notes about reading, listening to CD's etc.

 

~ Human retention for us average humans is only about 20% ~ that means to get the maximum exposure to the material? That is 100% your average human being is going to have to go over the material at least 5 times (5 X 20% = 100$%)

 

~ None of the material is "tailored made" for you individually. Take an use what you can, leave the rest

 

~ Your going to have to do a "brain dump" and redefine yourself and your way of thinking, and that includes any and all cultural, social, religious, family, and parential influences. They all meant good, and some are just good and solid today as they were the day you were first handed them. But none of them are absolute. What worked for your father, grandfathers etc? Doesn't necessarily apply in today's world, (i.e. "Keep barefoot and pregnant! ) And your going to have to retrain your brain. Your going to have to quit being a fool and get back into school.

 

I like vanilla ice cream! But when I go fishing? I take worms not vanilla ice cream. because fish like worms.

 

In keeping with that I would recommend you might consider reading:

 

"You Just Don't Understand!" A book about the cross gender commuincation styles and methods that are unique to men and women.

 

"GenderSpeak" Same as above

 

"Romance 101"

 

"1001 Ways To Be Romantic!"

 

"1001 More Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"Light Her Fire!" Got a lot of bang for the buck out of this one book!

 

"How To Satisfy A Woman Everytime and Have Her Beg For More.............. A little flakey but it describes sex by a woman from a woman's point of view.

 

"How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure" (I actually FOUND this book laying in the streets when I was sent to Homestead Flordia in the aftermath of Hurrican Andrew. Good book)

 

"Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex, and Women Don't Get Enough Love!"

 

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue and Women Need Another Pair Of Shoes!"

[Gunny376]

Women really are easy. They just want stability, to have fun, to be entertained, be with someone that's fun to be with, that engaging, that challenges them mentally, emotionally, psychologically, that supports them, comforts them, protects them, accepts them totally, unconditionally, acceptingly, takes them as they are?

 

Someone who appreciates them, that takes notice of the "little things" (Like Mrs Gunny packing 'surprises' like Gummy Bears in my lunch for work etc ~ its gotten so that its a nightly ritual at work where all my co-workers wants to know what she packed)

 

What it takes to get her? Is what it takes to keep her ~ you've got to date your mate.

 

Its the little things that mean a lot.

 

In the book "Crazy Time" the author told of guy that stuck his nose to the grindstone at work in order to climb the corporate ladder. He worked twelve plus hours, six days a week.

 

He was finally promoted to VP, and came home with champagne and roses! He'd been promoted to VP and got a corner office on the top floor, and key to executive rest room!!!!

 

When he came home to his wife, she just looked at the roses, and the champagne and told him, "I just wished you had spent more time with me and the kids while they were growing up and before they got grown and on their own!"

 

Remember the words to the song ~ "Cat's In The Cradle?"

 

These days I work to live ~ not live to work! They KNOW that I'll walk in a freaking heartbeat at work when their demands start to spill over into my home life with Mrs. Gunny!

 

I can always find another job ~ I don't think I'll be so lucky in finding another Mrs. Gunny? Being retired from the Marine Corps? In so long as I can find a 40 hour a week job paying $9 or so an hour? I'll never earn less than 40K, (which here in Alabama is the medium household income). My medical premiums are only $20 a month. I just spent two days in the hospital last month, my co-pay? $30 for a $4K hospital bill. (Its because I'm in a larger insurance pool that numbers in the millions ~ basic finance ~ diversification of risk)

 

I can't say for sure and certain what was the last thing on those folks minds on that dreadful day of 9/11? But I'm pretty damn sure it wasn't about work!

[GudDude2013]

First let me say that was a very well written post, and second let me say that all this advice given by those who have been through it will offer you little relief. It's true what they say about time making it (the pain) easier, but it amounts to useless words when your a couple of weeks into the devastation.

 

Your emotions are going to run the show right now, and upstart any cameos your logic will try to make. I responded to your post for one reason, and that is to reiterate what our fellow forum responders have said about letting her come back to the house.

 

Although we all realize that hope will be your enemy. Hope of reconciliation. Hope of the text or email that will infact confess her horrible decision was a mistake. Hope that she will come to her senses and realize the family is more important. Hope, hope....hope.

 

The point is, as terrible as the reality is, I can guarantee you that given the opportunity false hope would provide given the situation it can become much worse. If she left without a word hence the arguing, fighting, screaming, etc. then you are ahead of the game. If you cave and let her come back you host the real live possibility that things can get uglier than you could ever imagine. This on top of what your already going through is the last thing that you need.

 

If you are financially able, offer her a hotel room for a month, a motel room if need be, but you will regret it if you allow her to co-habitate. Despite what hope seduces your emotions into wanting to believe, NC is the best course of action. Use the time as you've been doing and prepare for the inevitable divorce your wife seems destined to have. Sorry for your pain and loss.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Thanks GudDude, she did not move back in. I posted about that a few days ago.

 

Gunny, thanks for all the links man!

 

Was back in therapy today to search for the seams that can be pulled apart easily. I'm pretty sure she'll agree to 50/50 custody. As for the house, we both feel it's best for our boys to keep it, especially now that summer is approaching.

 

That means I'd be living in it since only I can afford it. I feel like I should be glad but I'm not. I can't buy out my wife's share so we'd have to work out a co-ownership deal and this house is a constant reminder of her. I worry that being here will stifle my ability to move on.

 

I found myself calmer in therapy today. I took a little pride in that afterwards. There was moment in therapy when I fell back into my mind - almost by accident. A sat there staring at the floor, listening to my wife's voice as if she were in the other room. I heard a frustrated, fortified woman - but not my wife, at least not the idealized version of her that's been swimming in my head.

 

I thought to myself that she doesn't know how to communicate with me. Either by nature or by choice. And I could see how that had created little grains of resentment inside her, hundreds or thousands of them that calcified over the years into spiky rocks that jabbed her every time she thought of me.

 

The therapist cracked a joke. She laughed. I snapped back. I realized I hadn't heard her laugh in a while... probably won't hear her laugh anymore. I going to miss that. I'm going to miss our inside jokes.

 

I miss my wife.

[2sunny]

It may be useful to have your therapist work with you on why you would miss your wife when she took every opportunity to make you feel like a piece of $hit.

 

A wife who acts that way isn't building intimacy. It's not kind and loving behavior.

 

 

Why would you think that's something you should have tolerated?

 

Ask the counselor to help you work on healthier expectations from women and solid, healthy boundaries. You should have been strong enough to tell your wife that her snarky criticism was purposely hurtful and terribly unkind!

 

You got a huge gift. The *itch has left the house! Let her go find someone else to make miserable!

 

You have freedom! Get busy living!!!

[Gunny376]

I just spent two days in the hospital last month,

 

Which btw was kind of alarming to find out that my last name ~ according to my wristband was 'Smith" and not 'Jones' and that I was born in 1980 and not 1957, and that I had O- blood instead of O+, and most alarming of all? That I was a female, and not a male!

 

I kid you not!

[Gunny376]

Which btw was kind of alarming to find out that my last name ~ according to my wristband was 'Smith" and not 'Jones' and that I was born in 1980 and not 1957, and that I had O- blood instead of O+, and most alarming of all? That I was a female, and not a male!

 

I kid you not!

 

Thank God I wasn't pregno and in need of a "C" section!

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Just separated the bank accounts today. I don't know why they say "broken heart". That implies a one-time event. They should say "torn" or "ripped" or "beaten" heart.

Edited May 1, 2013 by LIFE.GOES.wrONg
misspelling

[aMguilts]

Just separated the bank accounts today. I don't know why they say "broken heart". That implies a one-time event. They should say "torn" or "ripped" or "beaten" heart.

 

yeah maybe `they` should

and to be honest, if i ever find out who `they` that say this and `they` say that

 

well

`they` reckon the weather will be good on my days off

 

keep it up lifegoes :@)

 

your doing ok in my eyes

 

keep smiling

 

aM

[Gunny376]

yeah maybe `they` should

and to be honest, if i ever find out who `they` that say this and `they` say that

 

well

`they` reckon the weather will be good on my days off

 

keep it up lifegoes :@)

 

your doing ok in my eyes

 

keep smiling

 

aM

 

I've always said if we could find out who "They" were and hang those sorry SOB's?

 

We could solve at least half of the problems in the World!

[tojaz]

Just separated the bank accounts today. I don't know why they say "broken heart". That implies a one-time event. They should say "torn" or "ripped" or "beaten" heart.

 

LGW, just had a chance to catch up on your thread. Your doing a lot better then you give yourself credit for.

 

Your right, torn or battered would be a better description for what is happening, but what is torn can be mended and what has been battered will heal. Believe it or not, your starting off better then most. Keep it up.

 

TOJAZ

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Thanks all. Today was really rough in the morning - separating the bank accounts, closing down the credit cards, re-routing blood flow so the operation can take place. No more joint accounts. Another pillar pulled down.

 

I noticed that her last charge was $14 at The GasLamp Friday night - a karaoke bar that was a hang-out of ours. That's 2 drinks. My mind stated racing and it killed me to think about her at one of our spots - drinking and sharing the stories of her week with someone else. I still can't listing to any music with lyrics in it and she's partying it up (at least in my mind). I wonder if what she's done even came up or is it old hat already.

 

As bad as the morning was, on the ride home from work I felt at peace. Like I traveled forward in time to a point where everything around me no longer triggered memories of my wife. It was only for a mile or two but I felt... unmarried, I guess.

 

I sit here now wondering if I should have the boys make her mother's day cards. I have been really good with the NC rule and I don't want to give her any sign of weakness in my resolve (she would know I made the boys do it). However, she is honestly an excellent mother. I'm torn.

[Shocked Suzie]

Thanks all. Today was really rough in the morning - separating the bank accounts, closing down the credit cards, re-routing blood flow so the operation can take place. No more joint accounts. Another pillar pulled down.

 

I noticed that her last charge was $14 at The GasLamp Friday night - a karaoke bar that was a hang-out of ours. That's 2 drinks. My mind stated racing and it killed me to think about her at one of our spots - drinking and sharing the stories of her week with someone else. I still can't listing to any music with lyrics in it and she's partying it up (at least in my mind). I wonder if what she's done even came up or is it old hat already.

 

As bad as the morning was, on the ride home from work I felt at peace. Like I traveled forward in time to a point where everything around me no longer triggered memories of my wife. It was only for a mile or two but I felt... unmarried, I guess.

 

I sit here now wondering if I should have the boys make her mother's day cards. I have been really good with the NC rule and I don't want to give her any sign of weakness in my resolve (she would know I made the boys do it). However, she is honestly an excellent mother. I'm torn.

 

 

think a mothers day card is a nice idea

[Gunny376]

Mother's Day cards from her sons has nothing to do with your current situation with her, nor with NC. That is to say, Yes you should help them acknowledge and recognize her their Mother on this special day if need be. That is not to say I persay, (if I were you) would go above and beyond any respectful and appropriate recognization of her as the Mother of her as the Mother of your DS.

 

Short answer ~ Yes ~ Its just giving someone their proper respect due ~ and not a sign of weakness or such on your part. Its just the right thing to do and in your heart of hearts YOU know it is!

[Gunny376]

Another Good books (again in paperback and cheap) that you migh want to put on your reading list LGW is "The Art of Living Single" a really good read and has some insightul ideas about,..................well the Art of Living Single? The Art of Living Single: Michael Broder: 9780380709335: Amazon.com: Books

 

Anyone going through martial difficulties knows that you don't have to be by yourself to be alone?

 

And being alone isn't such a bad thing, and certainly being with someone when things aren't going right isn't such a great and wonderful thing. There's more to life than cussing an fussing all of the damn time, walking through life with a PO look on your face, generating bad and negative vibes, etc ~ hating life and everyone in it.

 

Alot of this is just that you've made a hugh and tremendous investment of time, effort, energy and money even. And its just human nature not to walk away ~ even when you know you should.

 

I had an easier time adjusting to military live than I did re-adjusting to civilan life. I had a harder time re-aqainting to single life than I did married life.

 

Its re-dining the new "norm" and its very much what you make it out to be. It can be just as easy as you choose and want it to be ~ or just as hard as you choose and want it to be. Literally the choice is yours.

 

But the first part ~ the first step is a 'leap of faith' like in the Inidian Jones movie ~ and just letting go. So often times it happens that we find ourselves bound in chains never knowing that it is we ~ oursleves that holds the keys that will set us free.

 

Oftentimes you've got to 'fake it until you make it!" and oftentimes you've got to fake it until you feel it. We've all been laying around the house and someone comes over and says lets go here, there, and do this or that? And we respond, "Naw! I just don't feel like it!" And this goes on for awhile back and forth until we reluctantly go ~ and end up having one of the best times of our lives!

 

Many times "action must precede feelings" You'v got to get out and do it before your "feel" like doing it. I've done a lot of things in the Marines where I can promise you I just wasn't feeling it ~ even scared of it ~ like jumping down the side of a mountain hanging on a rope or out of the back end of a helicopter. But once I did it? I was like a my there year old GS!

 

"DO AGAIN! DO AGAIN! Papa GunnyDan! DO AGAIN!"

[ver13]

Thanks all. Today was really rough in the morning - separating the bank accounts, closing down the credit cards, re-routing blood flow so the operation can take place. No more joint accounts. Another pillar pulled down.

 

I noticed that her last charge was $14 at The GasLamp Friday night - a karaoke bar that was a hang-out of ours. That's 2 drinks. My mind stated racing and it killed me to think about her at one of our spots - drinking and sharing the stories of her week with someone else. I still can't listing to any music with lyrics in it and she's partying it up (at least in my mind). I wonder if what she's done even came up or is it old hat already.

 

As bad as the morning was, on the ride home from work I felt at peace. Like I traveled forward in time to a point where everything around me no longer triggered memories of my wife. It was only for a mile or two but I felt... unmarried, I guess.

 

I sit here now wondering if I should have the boys make her mother's day cards. I have been really good with the NC rule and I don't want to give her any sign of weakness in my resolve (she would know I made the boys do it). However, she is honestly an excellent mother. I'm torn.

 

With all that your family is going through right now you need to do this one for your boy's. Just because you and the W are not living together anymore doesn't take away from the fact that she is a good mom as you have said yourself. Now that you have begain the process of seperation continue to do the right thing and stay amicable. Alway's remember that she is the one that chose this path for whatever reasons. This is all about choice's but it doesn't have to turn into trials and tribulations.

[Steadfast]

Just because you and the W are not living together anymore doesn't take away from the fact that she is a good mom as you have said yourself.

 

What a tragic joke. Sorry, that's exactly what it means. Good moms don't negotiate to spend only half their time with their children...that integrity is reserved for the innocent people forced to accept this unfair situation.

 

Just because you're not an axe-murdering psychopath, physically abusive, addicted, careless, etc doesn't automatically make you a good parent. Any time a parent places their needs before the children they brought into this world (that had no choice!) that places them in the category of bad parent. It exposes them as a selfish, emotionally abusive parent setting a wrongful example. Both to the children, and to them in regards to their father.

 

Hurting the father/mother of your children means you hurt the children. This is not a dogmatic 'opinion'. It is common sense truth! Why are people so weak and permissive? Can't we recognize how this has effected society?

 

Mother's Day? Your call. Truth is, you're afraid to upset her and worse? You desire to please her. When in doubt do what's best for the kids but in regards to her 'motherhood', let her fight that battle alone. Be thankful that you do not have to worry about their physical safety when they are with her, but know this: physical wounds heal quicker and more completely that emotional wounds. See her for what she really is. You need to.

[aMguilts]

personally i think it`s a great idea that you help them make her a mothers day card

 

it`s showing them that you aren`t bitter and petty when it comes to `mummy and daddy` no longer being together but you are an a mature adult

This can only make them into better kids cant it?

 

one thing thou... do it for them not to score `brownie` points with her.

if she says anything about it just shrug, smile and say

"its only a card"

which, lets face it, is all it is, a card

 

 

aM