Wayward Brother needs big bucks - I'm the cash cow of the family & getting resentful

[bluechocolate]

My immediate older brother & I are the same age for 10 days. As small children we were raised practically as twins, but this ended when we entered school. Fast forward - he becomes a very troubled teen. Always in trouble with the law, drops out of school, tears our family apart. I left home because of his horrendous behaviour toward me & my parents & their apparent inability to do anything about it. From the moment I left home (20 years ago) I have had no relationship with him at all. I have been living in other countries for the past 16 years & could probably count the number of times I've seen and/or spoken to him on one hand. This is fine with me. I have never believed that blood is thicker than water. We can choose our friends, who can then become our family, but we cannot choose our family. If I were given the choice this is someone who would not be a part of "my" family.

 

I have a good relationship with my parents. I fly them over yearly, we vacation together, they get along well with my partners family. Over the years my mother tells me about my brother & I listen out of politeness, but honestly, I don't care. His troubled teenage years have turned into a troubled adulthood. He is an alcoholic. He has never held a permanent job. He lives on welfare. He has never had a long term relationship. He is now 40 years old and although he no longer lives with my parents he still relies heavily upon them for support. I'm sorry if this sounds callous, but I have no sympathy for him. We were raised in the same manner, in the same house & were given the same opportunities in life. I'm the youngest in our family. I have always been highly independent & have worked since I was 14 years old. I financed my own education & have never once asked for help from my family. I worked full time & studied part time. In my early 20's I subsisted on boiled rice & Kraft Dinner because that is all I could afford after paying for rent & text books.

 

Recently I've heard from my brother via email. This somewhat angered me because the only person(s) who could have given him my email address were my parents. They should have told me. This wasn't a "reaching out" on his part. He needs money. Thousands of dollars to pay a fine to avoid going to jail. Charming. Then I speak to my mother. She maintains that she didn't know he was going to ask me for this money and she doesn't know how they (being my Mother & Father) are going to raise the money. My parents don't have the kind of income which allows them to just pay out 000's of dollars like this. I can't let my mother's son go to jail therefore I'm paying his fine, not for him, but for my mother. Apparently my Father has decided that he's had enough & won't even discuss it.

 

Now it transpires that whilst putting their will together my parents have decided that my brother cannot be trusted with a large sum of money. I know I said that they don't have the cash to pay his fine but they do own a house, have pension funds, mutual funds & some assets which could be liquidated on their death(s). What they would like to do is have his portion of their estate put in trust & for him to receive a yearly stipend. I am executor of their estate & they would like me to administer this trust.

 

All of this sits uncomfortably with me. Throughout his life my parents have chosen to be his guardians. They have chosen to continue to help & support him emotionally & financially. In my opinion he has never had to bother trying to look after himself. He can get a free income & subsidised housing from the state & then there's Mom & Dad to bail him out. Now they think I should take on this responsibility in the event of their death(s). As I said, I've had little or no contact with him for 20 years & the one time he contacts me of his own accord it's to ask for money. To my mind it's almost inevitable that if & when they do die he'll simply transfer his dependence & neediness from them to me. I didn't ask for this & I don't want it. I suppose my saving grace here is that we live thousands of kilometres apart.

 

As I said, for my Mother's sake, I'm paying his fine. I've also provided plenty of financial help to my parents as well. As I mentioned I fly them over here yearly, I've taken them to Paris, Rome, London, Venice & all over the British Isles. Last year I sent my Mother hundreds of dollars a month for a medical treatment not covered by the government, I've bought them new appliances & paid for renovations in their house. I don't mind doing these things, they are my parents after all & I can afford it. But I have to say that given that my brother now seems to think he can "cash in" on the act and my parents seem to think I should take on their role in regards to their son I'm starting to feel rather jaded about it all and the idea of estranging myself from the lot of them has occurred to me several times over the past few months.

 

Blah, blah, blah.....Anyway, what to do about this? What do you think? How would you feel?

[moimeme]

It seems you are very well off. Have you got better things to do with your money? Is keeping your money safe worth more to you than folks in your family? Will you put your own life, health, or retirement in jeopardy if you do what your folks ask?

 

We were raised in the same manner, in the same house & were given the same opportunities in life.

 

People are born with different strengths, abilities, and talents. That's a given. Or should be. It seems an awful lot of people believe that all humans are born identical. It could not be farther from the truth.

 

Some people are not as strong as others, for whatever reason. Some folks can go through pure hell and keep on truckin' (our Hokey is an example). Others crumble easily. Sure, there are some folks who don't hold themselves to high enough standards, but I don't believe they are the majority.

 

The more science expands, the more we find that people who don't succeed in life are suffering from mental ailments - they have been unable to learn or unable to control their impulses. A lot of people who turn to alcohol do so because they are self-medicating for a condition they don't know they have. Neurotransmitters can be affected by addictions and, in many cases, are responsible for addictions.

 

These are not excuses. To me, they are all wonderful news that maybe there will be cures for all these situations someday so that people like your family don't have to go through such heartache and pain. I don't see any worth in having contempt for people who are not as talented or as strong as oneself.

 

Nobody asks to be born unable to bear up to life's troubles. I don't think there's a human alive who would actively choose a life of misery. Some people just stumble their way into messes and then aren't able to clamber back out. Like the runt kitten or puppy or the weakly kid, they need more, rather than less, love and care.

 

Your folks love you both - he, the one who is terrible at managing his own life and you who have done splendidly. You were both their baby boys and they had high hopes for you both. His troubles have saddened them - Dr. Phil says you're only as happy as your saddest child - but they still love him.

 

Nobody is hopeless. A dear friend's dad finally quit drinking in his sixties. One of my uncles gave up drinking in midlife. Some people never do shake off the demon. Hating them doesn't help much - it causes you inner turmoil and doesn't contribute to their lives. Maybe your folks should take him for a full psych evaluation - it could well be he has a treatable ailment, although years of alcoholism can be difficult to overcome it's not impossible.

 

Your folks are asking you to administer a trust. You can manage that, I'm sure. It will give them peace of mind and it might keep him around long enough to change his own life. It is very sad that people can't manage their lives and it's very, very frustrating when it's someone you love but try not to let your frustration turn into dislike because that will only hurt you.

[brashgal]

This is a tough situation. I was surprised that you paid your brother's fine, though I understand you did so in deference to your mother. I can understand administering your parents' trust according to their wishes but I can't see myself bailing your brother out again (if I were you). Unfortunately he has never had to grow up with your parents coming to his rescue each time he fails. Maybe showing your brother some tough love will be easier once your parents are gone.

 

You might have a conversation with your parents the next time you see them and let them know that this was the one and only time you'll assist your brother in this manner. I think you love and respect them too much to cut yourself out of their lives completely without talking about it.

[Elmo]

Hey there.

 

I don't mean to be a bitch, but don't agree with Moimmeme.

 

I think you DO have better things to do than bailing out your bro.

 

But, then, some people think I am a bitch. Hee-hee.

 

Seriously....you sound so smart and together....kind to your parents. Your brother did something illegal. He should go to jail. But....you didn't want to put your Mom through that. Must have been a hard decision. Don't do it again though.

 

Look....I'm no attorney...but I do believe if you structure the Trust soundly there will be little to administer.

 

My advice....help set up the Trust. $12,000 per year on a $1,000 per month basis. THE END. NO DISCUSSION. NO BREAKING THE TRUST AGREEMENT.

 

Then, when the sad day the Trust becomes active....I guess the bank mails the checks. You don't have to talk to him.

 

He won't be homeless....And you can simply get on with what seems like a hard won, lovely...LIFE.

[moimeme]

I think you DO have better things to do than bailing out your bro.

 

Those were actual questions. Maybe he does. But I agree with your solution - it should be easy to set up a trust and still keep a distance, if that's what he wants to do.

[bluechocolate]

I know what you're saying Moi. You see the thing is my parents have been trying to help him for years. He's been to doctors, they've helped him through AA, in his youth they bailed him out of jail many times.

 

I don't see any worth in having contempt for people who are not as talented or as strong as oneself.

 

Yeah, well you didn't live with him. You weren't sent to the hospital because of him. It took me twice as long to complete my education because of him. I left home because of his violence & had to support myself because my parents couldn't choose between him or me. Of course I realise now that that is a choice no parent can make. They knew I would do alright whereas on his own he wouldn't. Having to re-hash of all this is like opening an old wound. Despite our closeness in age he was my Father's favourite - he was indulged & spoilt as a child whereas I was left to my own devices. From what my Mother tells me my eldest brother still holds a lot of resentment about this. As in all families, there is a strange dynamic here. My eldest brother is not my Fathers son & is considerably older than us two. Having said all of that, I am honestly no longer contemptuous of him. I got over that long ago. Apathy is the best way to describe my feelings towards him. Now of course it's difficult to be apathetic when it's my money that's going to keep him out of jail.

 

My parents are elderly now. They should be enjoying their retirement & not continually having to support & assist a grown man. I understand that he is their son - it is their choice to continue to help him. In my opinion they've stunted his ability to help himself by continually being there for him & bailing him out. He's never had to stand on his own two feet. Like I said, they've taken him to doctor's, they've enrolled him in courses & vocational studies several times & he's never made it through. He's been on anti-depressants and again, as I've said, he's been to doctor's. By most standards he can hardly be deemed "unfortunate". He has a computer, TV, access to free medical care, he has his utiliities & transport costs subsidised because he is on benefit, an apartment paid for by the state, he buys beer, smokes - why should he bother having to be responsible & get a job when it appears that he is doing alright with all the free time in the world? In my more cynical moments, when my Mother talks to me about him, I think he just strings everyone along so he can maintain his benefit. People may have mental health issues, but that doesn't mean they can't also be manipulative.

 

Have you got better things to do with your money?

 

Yes as a matter of fact, I do. I support an eldery man & woman in the Phillipines, I have several foster children in Africa and I regularily send money to MAP (Medical Aid for Palestinians). These people are truly unfortunate & yet they muddle through in the toughest of conditions, with the barest of necessities & with little or no help. Those 000's of dollars would be better spent on them. This isn't about keeping my money safe. In fact, quite the opposite. I believe in spending money, spreading it around. I'm set up for my retirement so there is no need for money to be sitting in the bank but that doesn't mean I want to be an easy mark for my brother, which is precisely how I am feeling.

 

Funnily enough, now that he knows I'm going to pay his fine I haven't heard a word from him.

[moimeme]

I left home because of his violence

 

So when he went to the doc, what was the result? Violent people are definitely not well.

 

Apathy is the best way to describe my feelings towards him.

 

Understandable.

 

In my opinion they've stunted his ability to help himself by continually being there for him & bailing him out.

 

You're probably right. Folks in his sort of situation who turn their lives around often don't do so until they hit rock bottom. If he was always prevented from hitting rock bottom, there may never have been enough pain to persuade him to do something about his problems.

 

People may have mental health issues, but that doesn't mean they can't also be manipulative.

 

True. Sometimes even more so.

 

Yes as a matter of fact, I do

 

Ah well then. In that case, I'd make it clear to everyone that this is the absolutely last time ever that you'll bail him out. If your folks want to set up a trust, then let them but you can probably arrange to do it at arms' length. Then maybe give another try at explaining to your folks how it is that 'tough love' might be much better for this fellow than their policy thus far. However, it'll likely fail. You would have to manage to persuade them that all their help will never give him the independence and self-respect he needs to get on his own feet but parents who feel they are responsible for their kids right through adulthood aren't likely to change.

 

It's upsetting when life just won't go the way you'd like it to, isn't it?

[Mr Spock]

Bah. All this is easier said than done. Your brother will continue to leech off of your parents until they are dry, or they do something about it. You, loving your parents, can't bear to watch them suffer. See the cycle?

 

One loves their family, but they don't have to like them.

 

 

Your brother is a troubled bum, and will continue to be a troubled bum until he's ready to change, all on his own. You have put up with it for a long enough time that you do not have to do it any more. Refuse to allow your parents to discuss it in your presence. There isn't an easy way out of this, seeing as how you love your parents and wish to ensure they remain a part of your life.

 

It seems to me that the only thing that you CAN do is be the heavy, with your parents. They are the ones that need to stop the behaviour here.....he must be a VERY good smooth talker to still have them defending him after all these years.

[simplybrill]

wow, this sounds a lot like my brother right now, only he's in highschool still. He causes mass amounts of stress in the household, has a very very nasty attitude, an explosive temper...and my brother is probably just like what yours was when he was younger.

 

Reading your post brings to light what my brother may well become when he gets older.

 

He leeches off of my mother, and he runs away to live with his birth father whenever he 'cant handle' living with us. Its like he wants to have his cake and eat it too, so he milks her for whatever he can get out of her, and then runs over there, and gets whatever he wants too. He is way beyond spoiled as well. He's on antidepressants, is doing horribly in school, and who knows if he will end up in college - he doesnt even TRY.

 

He makes me so angry because Im always the one who has to pick my mother up after he's done tearing her good efforts, her love, her self esteem to bits. He doesnt appreciate anything any of us do for him, and he's quite possibly the most selfish person Ive ever encountered.

 

We're all really hoping he will pull his life together and not end up a bum like his birth father- but signs are pointing to no.

 

Like your brother, he will have to hit rock bottom before he realizes how GOOD his life is, and how much we actually give to him.

 

I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one who's going through something like this. Hope I helped a little, if any. Thanks

[quankanne]

there's one in every family ... my brother (the one just older than me) is a pathological liar who has sucked my dad and my sibs into this huge emotional drama centered around my keeping in touch with his ex-wife.

 

He actually has them convinced that my keeping an open line of communication with his ex will get him sent to jail and "lose" his six-year-old daughter from them! (he abandoned the family for 20 years, only got back in touch with them recently when he found out that his ex wanted the family to get to know their daughter better) I finally got fed up to the point of sending everyone a copy of the letter I wrote him telling them that they could believe whatever they wanted, but that wasn't going to stop me from doing right by his child or his ex-wife, that I wasn't getting sucked into his drama because I just didn't have the time or the energy for it ...

 

it sounds like your brother is much the same way, choc, and that you're just as fed up as I am. It's one thing to love someone and to want to help them or keep them "safe," but another thing to throw your convictions out the window. You did a generous thing by posting your brother's bail, but you don't owe him anything -- you don't have to repeat that gesture if it goes against your better judgment.

 

the rest of your family is a different matter, because I know it kills you to see them hurt -- or to see them get sucked into something ugly, willingly. The most you can do is to honor your parents' wishes by being administrator of this proposed trust fund, but explain to them that you will follow it to the letter -- if they stipulate a once-a-month disbursement, then your brother only gets his money once a month, period. And only from the fund, not from you. Sometimes these kinds of compromises are the only way to get through the mess -- your parents asked you to do this because they trust you. Just let them know where you draw the line, then stand firm.

[Moose]

Well bluechocolate, coming from another well to do guy......you shouldn't have paid his fine. That was the worst thing you coud've done. I know that you don't want to disappoint your mom, but I refused to help my sister whether my mom wanted me to or not.

 

My sister had her baby boy 1.5 years ago at the young age of 41. As soon as she gave birth, the whiskey started going back down her throat. She did so good while she was pregnant. She wanted so bad to give her husband a child that she could give it up for at least as long as she carried the child. Then, even before she was released from the hospital she was getting drunk.

 

Her husband threw her out, she got behind the wheel, wrapped it around a telephone pole, is now in rehab trying to win custody of her son because her husband filed for divorce. I'm not surprised. 10 years ago she got drunk, got behind the wheel with her 2 daughters and had a head on collision sending her youngest daughter for a helicopter ride and then surgery, 6 months in a body cast, and even 3 years later, glass from the windows was still breaking the skin on her face.

 

I've never bailed her out. But I have bought numerous vehicles for her, paid months and months of rent and utilities, filled her cabinets with food and yada, yada......as far as I'm concerned, she's hit rock bottom on several occasions, and it hasn't done a bit of good.

 

Now when my mom tells me how she's doing and that she could use help, I just say, yep, your right, she needs help. Mom will just give me that look like I knew what she meant. I just tell her that I can send her all the money in the world, it's only going to help her score another bottle.

 

The worst is when she calls me herself. She can be very convincing over the phone, and I'm such a push over. She has talked my into sending her some cash on a couple occasions. But I make sure that she has plans for it or that she can tell me exactley what it's for. My mom is upset that I don't help her as much as I used to, but my dad sees my point of view. You've got to cut the cord and make her face up to her responsibilities.

 

Most people on here know that I've got my own drinking problem. I'm an alcoholic, but I'm not a drunk. I've been through my own hell and back. I'm on the right track now. Even during my drunken years, I understood the responsibilities of holding down a job and raising a family. I've become quite successfull in what I do and I could send my sister all the money she could possibly need to live on for years.......but that's not going to teach her to be self sufficient. My mother will have to get over it and not look at me as a selfish SOB.

 

If you have any influence on your mom, you'll plead with her to cut your brother totally off.....if you love your brother, this is the only way you're going to be able to help him.

[bluechocolate]

Thanks folks - I appreciate the words & thoughts.

 

I really did not want to pay his fine, but like I said, I did it for my Mother. And yes, I will make it absolutely clear that this is the first & last time. And it's clear to me that I'm going to have to tell my parents not to pass on my contact details to ANYONE without clearing it with me first. I'm still rather ticked off on that one. I wonder now if they've given him my phone number & address. I'm not concerned that he would show up here (though he did do that at my flat years ago shortly after I moved out of the house) but I certainly don't want him calling me.

 

I have thought several times that I should tell my Mother that I don't want to hear about him & I don't want to know anything about him. The thing my Mother's sister, who was also her best friend, died last year. They would talk for an hour or more on the phone everyday. I know she would have told her everything. My Mother & I don't talk everyday but I am aware that it must be hurting her to have lost her best friend & sounding board so when we do talk I let her go on about whatever. Now having typed that it seems to me that I can, and should, assert that I don't want to talk about or hear about my brother. I will also make it understood that in the eventuality of this trust being activated it will be hands off as far as I'm concerned.

 

And brill - your brother is definitely headed in the same direction as mine. I've given this advice to someone else here once before - the best thing you can do for yourself is to get out of that house as soon as is possible. I had just been accepted into art college when living at home became intolerable for me. I never did make it to art college as I had to join the working world & then pursued an entirely different career path. I have no regrets as that helped make me who I am today.

[Mr Spock]

It's very kind of you to consider your mother's feelings like that, but eventually NOT telling her how you feel could damage your relationship through your hidden resentment. Be honest with your Mom-tell her you love her, but you don't want to hear about your brother.