25 years old - 6 years marriage - Finished

[Living Lie]

Dear Community,

 

My first post here...there is always a beginning for everything. This is not a thread searching for condolences...I am the culprit here.

 

I met my wife in freshman year of college, I was 18. I 'liked' her, because she was so into me. This obviously grew on my over the next few months. Despite birth control, plan B, I got her pregnant 6 months after meeting her. I did the 'right' thing, and even barely knowing her, married her 5 weeks after the + sign.

 

Now, before I continue, I love being a father. My daughter is the rule of my life; in no way do I regret have a child so young. My daughter is 5 now.

 

I had direct doubts on my wedding day, I knew in my heart it was not something I wanted to do, but followed through based upon family expectations, upbringing etc.

 

I have stuck in it for 6 years...but I find myself unhappy on a daily basis. I take time off of work to take my wife to dinner, movies, dates, gym, walks, you NAME it. It never seems to work out...I do not feel a connection with this woman...and I never truly have.

 

I am tired of feeling like I am living a lie...I front almost 24/7 - even during sex I find myself distracted thinking of science, etc...

 

I just do not know what to do. I feel I married this woman on a whim, during a time where I was still yet to become a man...I just want to find someone I am attracted to.

 

Why am I not attracted to my wife? I dunno...she is very pretty, with a wonderful body, and smart - but she has a mental disorder (bipolar with delusional obsessive thoughts disorder). This I can cope with...even though she thinks she may have accidentally killed a random person we walk out of the coffee shop, etc. from (delusional homicidal thoughts...very uncommon form of obsessive compulsive disorder)...

 

I merely just recently found my subconcious self has taken over my emotions, and I can no longer 'fake' that I love my wife...I literally despise even kissing her - any attention what so ever makes me uncomfortable...

 

This is difficult to explain...as I do not even know how to express myself about this. I just want out...I did from the beginning - and now with my daughter at 5 years old...i feel I have locked myself in a box I am incapable of removing myself from...

 

Advice? Is there any? I am so young...and I do not know what to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

What kind of parent is your Wife to your Daughter? Is she able to handle the duties that go along with raising a child?

 

Have you tried support groups and/or marriage counseling?

 

I'm not sure if you're open to feedback other than "walk away"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Living Lie]

What kind of parent is your Wife to your Daughter? Is she able to handle the duties that go along with raising a child?

 

Have you tried support groups and/or marriage counseling?

 

I'm not sure if you're open to feedback other than "walk away"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That is a hard question to ask...I often come home sometimes early from work during her days off. I find my 4 year old daughter playing in her room alone while my wife is asleep...This infuriates me, and she says she just laid down, and never fell asleep...I think otherwise.

I think she is capable of raising my daughter by herself, she loves her daughter this I know.

 

I have tried marriage counseling - it has negative feedback if anything...I am open to feedback...Is "walk away" the only option at this point? I have tried counseling, etc.

 

Its strange..My wife adores me more than anyone I have ever seen - and I hate every second of it. I look forward to getting time to myself, or time with just my daughter. I do not even enjoy being in the same room as my wife...and I have no idea why...

[all_cats_rgray]

Sounds like you resent her for your unhappyness.

 

Your unhappy so you blame it on your wife for getting pregnant and trapping you in this loveless marriage. ( Its not her fault...but yeah...I'd do the same)

 

Sound like she loves you to bits, and this angers you.

 

I remember saying things to my ex, about how much I thought he was awesome. And looking back I see frustration from him.

 

It sounds like a mess from day one. How can love grown when you "liked" the person you married.

 

DO NOT WALK AWAY OUT OF THE BLUE. It will mess up your daughter, and your ex wife will hate you.

 

This is a really messed up thing a lot of people do. Have you told your wife about how you feel? That your not sure if you love her. ?

[Eggplant]

It will mess up your daughter, and your ex wife will hate you.

But it's easier for the wife to find another man when she's 25 rather than 35 so maybe if you are leaving, leave now.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Dear Community,

 

My first post here...there is always a beginning for everything. This is not a thread searching for condolences...I am the culprit here.

 

I met my wife in freshman year of college, I was 18. I 'liked' her, because she was so into me. This obviously grew on my over the next few months. Despite birth control, plan B, I got her pregnant 6 months after meeting her. I did the 'right' thing, and even barely knowing her, married her 5 weeks after the + sign.

 

Now, before I continue, I love being a father. My daughter is the rule of my life; in no way do I regret have a child so young. My daughter is 5 now.

 

I had direct doubts on my wedding day, I knew in my heart it was not something I wanted to do, but followed through based upon family expectations, upbringing etc.

 

I have stuck in it for 6 years...but I find myself unhappy on a daily basis. I take time off of work to take my wife to dinner, movies, dates, gym, walks, you NAME it. It never seems to work out...I do not feel a connection with this woman...and I never truly have.

 

I am tired of feeling like I am living a lie...I front almost 24/7 - even during sex I find myself distracted thinking of science, etc...

 

I just do not know what to do. I feel I married this woman on a whim, during a time where I was still yet to become a man...I just want to find someone I am attracted to.

 

Why am I not attracted to my wife? I dunno...she is very pretty, with a wonderful body, and smart - but she has a mental disorder (bipolar with delusional obsessive thoughts disorder). This I can cope with...even though she thinks she may have accidentally killed a random person we walk out of the coffee shop, etc. from (delusional homicidal thoughts...very uncommon form of obsessive compulsive disorder)...

 

I merely just recently found my subconcious self has taken over my emotions, and I can no longer 'fake' that I love my wife...I literally despise even kissing her - any attention what so ever makes me uncomfortable...

 

This is difficult to explain...as I do not even know how to express myself about this. I just want out...I did from the beginning - and now with my daughter at 5 years old...i feel I have locked myself in a box I am incapable of removing myself from...

 

Advice? Is there any? I am so young...and I do not know what to do.

You are blessed with a wonderful family but you sound like a "thankless" person to me.

 

I have seen couples; handsome men with (below-average) women; but living happily.

 

You have a attractive wife who adores you as per your admission; what more do you want?

 

Have you ever thought that your wife might be noticing lack of affection from you? She might be feeling "emotionally left-out" but she is working hard to commit herself in this relationship.

 

Keep this in mind: a woman - who loves you unconditionally - is the best one to marry.

 

You better step-out from the superficial fog of "grass might be greener on the other side" and start working on your marriage.

 

Your daughter's well-being SHOULD be your TOP PRIORITY. Think about her at-least.

 

Also, DO NOT "emotionally check out" on your SPOUSE. If she is attractive, chances are that she may "emotionally check out" on you someday and find a man who adores her. Then you will realize that what you have lost.

 

You need a serious wake-up call; life is not bed of roses. Cherish what you have today and MAN-UP.

 

Seriously, some people never fail to disappoint.

 

Regarding that bipolar disorder thing; you said that you can cope with it. Good!

 

Check out this link: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/how-is-bipolar-disorder-treated.shtml

Edited April 22, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[GuyInLimbo]

Keep this in mind: a woman - who loves you unconditionally - is the best one to marry.

 

Is it? Even if it's someone you have no feelings for and have no chemistry with? I think that's a very simplistic view to take.

 

OP, You got a lot going on. You got married way too young before you knew what you wanted and did it unwillingly, at least emotionally. On top of that, you have the bi-polar. You say you're OK with it now, but you may not have experienced the worst. But only you can answer that. From my previous experiences, that would be an absolute deal-breaker. It takes a LOT of emotional, mental and physical energy to handle that your entire life. You can only hope she stays on her meds and is regularly in therapy.

 

I feel for you, man. You're in a tough spot. You're young. You have a child. There's no clean break. But if you've already emotionally checked out, I don't know how/if there's any going back. I'm in the same boat (emotionally) and just about to drop the hammer. But at least have a good plan in place. Don't just leave her and then try to figure things out. Talk to a therapist. Maybe talk to an attorney (or try going the mediation route if you think she can be amicable about it - no need to feed the beasts any more $).

 

You can only fake it for so long. Eventually, it overtakes you. I wish you good luck. Please keep us posted.

 

(PS: AllCats, I didn't read that he blamed the wife for getting prego. Sounds like an "oops" situation to me.)

[LeGenDary_Man]

Is it? Even if it's someone you have no feelings for and have no chemistry with? I think that's a very simplistic view to take.

Their is wisdom in that statement.

 

Even the so-called "love marriage" can easily break apart.

 

Relationships are maintained with "effort" and not just "love." Sometimes people fall in love with the "best attributes" of a person but not the person on the whole. This can be a deal-breaker.

 

This whole "hollywood style (love) syndrome" have got in to the heads of lot of people. No wonder, so many marriages fail in the WEST.

Edited April 22, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Mr. Lucky]

I have tried marriage counseling - it has negative feedback if anything...I am open to feedback...Is "walk away" the only option at this point? I have tried counseling, etc.

If you told your wife straight-up how you feel, how surprised could she be? You've been unhappy for 6 years and to MC, she must have some insight as to the troubled nature of your marriage. Time to drag it out into the open and try to fix this - or not fix it and go your separate ways. Part of her angst may be based on waiting for the other shoe to fall...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Living Lie]

Thank you for everyone's comments so far. As someone has stated, "You wont know what you have until it's gone". The thing is, we have seperated before - This brought me a lot of happiness, and during this time I was staying in a friends home. I was no pre-occupied with another woman during this time and spent every free moment I had taking my daughter to the park, etc.

 

However, my wife was a walking disaster during this time. I felt as if I was taking away my daughters mother from her - she wasn't eating, drinking a lot, and overall very poor state of health (keep in mind this was before she started taking medication for her psychological issues). I had to come back, I had to make things work. My daughter was only 2 years old at this time, and I did not want her to lose her mother - so I 'manned up' and did the right thing. I am happy I did, because I now feel my wife is in a better situation than she was then.

 

Does my wife know I am unhappy? Oh hell yes, I sleep in another room because I cannot get comfortable around her, and she senses my detachment. She asks nearly everyday since we first got separated "Are you leaving again today"? I do not think this would be a shock to her...but I am terrified of the circumstances of how this will affect my daughter.

 

Maybe I should just have an affair, and keep things glued together at home and find happiness on the outside? Isn't this what most men do in other counties/in the American past?

 

OR, do I just bite the bullet, stop lying, admit my obvious unhappiness, and just take things from there? My wife is 27...I just know she could find a better man than me...someone who WANTS to take care of her, someone who 'loves' her. How can I force myself to love a woman I feel I never did from the start? I just dont get it...despite her mental issues (the other day she manic'd out and spent 750$ on shoes...fortunately I found the invoice and forced her to return them), she is really an amazing person. I feel maybe she just needs more time to grow up, and things can get better.

 

I should mention one more thing: She wanted to have another child about 5 months ago, and I told her no, it is just something I do not want at this point in my life. Ever since then, as much as she loves me - I feel a strong resentment from her over this...understandably.

 

We just want so many different things in life.

I am just an idiot...

[Mr. Lucky]

I am just an idiot...

Don't think that's true but you do seem to be in denial regarding some things. According to you, the current state of your marriage is -

 

- wife resents you because no more kids

- separated and MC earlier

- you sleep in separate rooms

- you've been unhappy for 6 years

- she "senses your detachment" (an understatement if I've ever heard one)

- she asks nearly every day if you're leaving

 

On some level, haven't you already left ??? Only you know whether going or staying is best for you, your wife and your daughter. But to spend another year in this emotional limbo can't be good for anyone. Again, you should address this today...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LeGenDary_Man]

Thank you for everyone's comments so far. As someone has stated, "You wont know what you have until it's gone". The thing is, we have seperated before - This brought me a lot of happiness, and during this time I was staying in a friends home. I was no pre-occupied with another woman during this time and spent every free moment I had taking my daughter to the park, etc.

 

However, my wife was a walking disaster during this time. I felt as if I was taking away my daughters mother from her - she wasn't eating, drinking a lot, and overall very poor state of health (keep in mind this was before she started taking medication for her psychological issues). I had to come back, I had to make things work. My daughter was only 2 years old at this time, and I did not want her to lose her mother - so I 'manned up' and did the right thing. I am happy I did, because I now feel my wife is in a better situation than she was then.

 

Does my wife know I am unhappy? Oh hell yes, I sleep in another room because I cannot get comfortable around her, and she senses my detachment. She asks nearly everyday since we first got separated "Are you leaving again today"? I do not think this would be a shock to her...but I am terrified of the circumstances of how this will affect my daughter.

 

Maybe I should just have an affair, and keep things glued together at home and find happiness on the outside? Isn't this what most men do in other counties/in the American past?

 

OR, do I just bite the bullet, stop lying, admit my obvious unhappiness, and just take things from there? My wife is 27...I just know she could find a better man than me...someone who WANTS to take care of her, someone who 'loves' her. How can I force myself to love a woman I feel I never did from the start? I just dont get it...despite her mental issues (the other day she manic'd out and spent 750$ on shoes...fortunately I found the invoice and forced her to return them), she is really an amazing person. I feel maybe she just needs more time to grow up, and things can get better.

 

I should mention one more thing: She wanted to have another child about 5 months ago, and I told her no, it is just something I do not want at this point in my life. Ever since then, as much as she loves me - I feel a strong resentment from her over this...understandably.

 

We just want so many different things in life.

I am just an idiot...

You are "torturing" this woman. She already has a disorder to deal with and her husband (unfortunately you) shows total disregard for her feelings. She needs your love and affection and you are treating her horribly.

 

Something is "seriously wrong" with YOU; not her. You admit that your wife is attractive and an amazing person then what exactly puts you off about her?

 

What kind of a woman you click with? Are you extremely picky or something? (Please understand that nobody is perfect in this world. Mature people learn to compromise and differentiate reality from fantasy.)

 

Your wife married a ROBOT; not a human. I really feel sorry for her.

 

I think you are in dire need for mental treatment; more-so then her.

 

Once again! You are a "married" person. Your top priority should be your family.

 

Unfortunately, you DO NOT attempt to connect with your wife. Do you try to spent quality time with her? Do you take her out for dinner or other fun activities?

 

STOP thinking about having an affair; it hurts more then divorce.

 

Damn man! People can be so CRUEL?

 

Learn to admire what you have. Grass does seems to be greener on the other side BUT this is in the mind-set of those people who DO NOT pay attention to their own grass.

 

The link below might offer useful tips for reconnecting with your wife:

 

How to Save a Marriage | The Art of Manliness

 

If MC did you no good then you may need to read this:

 

Laura Doyle: 6 Reasons Marriage Counseling is BS (This article is written from the perspective of a women; so you put yourself in her shoes to get her point.)

 

You may give this service a try: http://www.marriagemax.com/marriage-counseling.asp

Edited April 22, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Gunny376]

I just love these "I'm just not feeling it Man!" Threads! I say go for it! Go for the divorce! You'll be much more interesting at the retirement home talking about your first, second, third, fourth, fifth ex-wife than you would be just talking about the first one and only!

 

Make sure after you divorce this woman that's not exactly perfect in any and every way, that is a HBX10, who just happens to be crazy about you, the ground you walk on, the air your breath? Make sure that your honest with the next one that you get with.

 

"I'll love you with all my heart, but only in so long as you do "a, b, and c!" and don't do "x, y, and z!" I love you totally and completely until the day come when, well? I'm just not feelin' you know what I mean?

 

I'll love you in so long as your a size 1, and you have 44DD boobs, and they don't sag, and you don't get wrinkles, or gray hair, and your a lady in the living room and a porn star in the bedroom! I'll love you, in so long as you connect with me in each and every way, on each and every level.. 24/7/365 a year X the next 100 years!

 

I'll love you in so long as you keep a great figure, have a great job, make great money, rock my world everyday in each and every way! I'll love you if you _______________, _________________, and _________________.

 

You show me the hottest HBX10 whose projects having it all together, and all of the answers to all of the questions and all of the solutions to all of the problems ~ yada ~ yada? I can promise you, given enough time I can at least one man or more that's tired of putting up with her and her s***! That's tired of having sex with her, even repulsed with the idea of such.

 

Prior to Mrs Gunny? I was only married once. I was 22, young, dumb, ignorant, stupid. Didn't know what I was doing, and didn't know what I was getting myself into ~ didn't have a freaking clue ~ was really clueless as to how women thought, acted, behaved. Was clueless about romance, intimacy ~ so many different yet important variables. I got blindsided and gas-lighted by a WWW and a cheating spouse. Got thrown under the bus by the divorce.

 

I started reading (back before the days of the internet etc) and I read a lot.

 

Most first time marriages? Over half of them end in divorce. There's a lot of reasons for that. The divorce rate for men that get married under the age of 25? 90%

 

The divorce rate for men that get married because they got the woman pregno? 90%

 

The divorce rate for couples that have lost a child? Again 90%

 

Of course there are always exceptions and couples that weather the 'Storms Of Life" and end up spending their entire lives together.

 

But of the other half that don't divorce (First time marriages that is) they stay married for this that and the other reason. Family pressure, societal pressure, religious pressure, the status quo, financial reasons, for the sake of the kids, ...................the list is endless. Of those that stay together? Only 13 % say they're 'Happily Married" and have been throughout the course of their marriages. (Ref" The book "Crazy Time)

 

That "feeling" you wanting and craving? Its short termed and illusionary. I would suggest you read the Feb 2006 edition of National Geographic Magazine ~ "The Chemistry of Love"where its pointed out that cat scans of people that say their in "love" are identical to those that suffer from OCD ~ Obessessive Compulsive Disorder.

 

Everything I've read since 1990 clearly states that your single best chance at sucess in marriage is the first one and the one you have had children with!

[SmokeRat]

Marrying your wife, because you felt an obligation, is a horrible thing to do.

 

I have to agree with Legendary on this one, what you are doing is nothing short of mental abuse.

 

I'm sure there are lots of things we do not know, or understand, from both sides. But from what you have told us, your wife loves you. She needs you. And while I commend you for doing the right things, please lease that to us real White Knights.

 

Leave this woman, give her peace. Let her find her own way, and with a man who will cherish and worship the ground she walks on. In turn, she can do the same for the man she finds.

 

You have a beautiful and lovely daughter together, and she'll be a much happier child growing up in a home where everyone is happy.

 

The ideology of staying together for the kids, just doesn't hold water.

[Gunny376]

While I agree that marrying someone just because they've become pregno isn't the best thing in the world to do ~ and it does usually end badly for all parties concerned.

 

And I do agree that in and of itself staying married "just" for the kids isn't in and of itself and by itself the sole reason a couple should stay together?

 

There is such things as "honor" and integrity ~ Hell just doing the right thing. Of being a part of something and someone else that's bigger than yourself. Of putting others, (Like your kids?) before yourself?

 

And don't even go there with the "I PAY my child support and provide the things they want and need. There's a lot more to being a parent than just money and buying them a pair Pampers, or a pair of $550 Nike Michael Jordon autographed sneakers!

 

There's also the concept of "Just Do the Right Thing!" We all know what the right thing is? You don't need to go to church to know what it is? You don't need some preacher telling you what it is? You don't need some police officer, legislature's, congressman etc to tell you what the "right" thing is? You KNOW what the Right thing is!

 

At some point in time in each and everyone of our lives we've got to turn and make a "Stand!" We've all have to turn and say to ourselves that we're not running from this, that or the other anymore. By God! Enough Is enough!

 

Love isn't about demanding and requiring! Love doesn't come with conditions and standards. Love doesn't come with expectations. Love is about total, complete, unconditional, acceptance without conditions, expectations, nor standards.

 

The Good Lord willing? I hope, pray and planning on going to the retirement / nursing home with Mrs Gunny, camouflaging myself up with camo paint, my cammies, disguising my IV pole as tall artificial tree, doing the low crawl on my belly, elbows, and knees past the nurse's station to get to her room and setting off heart and blood pressures monitors with the nurses coming crashing in the door with the damned "crash cart" YET again! :love: :love:

 

"DAMIT! MISTER GUNNY! WE'VE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THIS, AND YOU KNOW VIAGRA IS A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE IN THIS FACILITY!"