Am I Overreacting?

[russellfitch1980]

I was out of town with my girlfriend for the weekend, and went to north carolina to help her cousins move into their new house. We were gone for about 3 days total. We have been together for about 8 months now and things are great. I'm 23 and she is 21. We love each other a lot and started saying about 3 months into it. I have never had any sort of trust issues with her at all, and would never suspect her of anything remotely close to cheating on me except for one situation in the past. She has been friends with this group of people at school and one of her close friends is this one guy she met in the fall and has known four about 7 or 8 months.

 

I noticed awhile back that they had been talking and texting a lot and I confronted her about it, and she firmly said no there was nothing going on. She asked me if I trusted her and I said yea, and she responded back that they were just good friends and that she only sees him as that. Nothing else...and that I should not be worried about anything. While we were out of town this weekend, I noticed that she was on her phone a little bit more than usual. I had no idea who she was talking to, and it seemed a little bit odd to me as she seemed a little bit distracted. I have never looked through her messages...ever! Until now....earlier today, I looked at her messages to see who she was talking to and it was this guy from school, whom I know, and whom is the one we had a slight argument about when I confronted her in the past. He was also out of town for about a week so they didn't see each other in class like usual.

 

Most of the texts were innocent, just random conversations like friends have, a few smiley faces here and there, and she was mentioning me a lot in the texts she was sending to him. Which in my opinion is a good thing. I had no problems with this until I saw one message that kind of got me worried. He said, I miss you, and she said I miss you! Then he responded well you will see me this week and she said Yea I know ....what the hell is this about?? I don't want to confront her if it's going to cause any drama. I really think it was innocent as friends sometimes say they miss each other and she hadn't seen him in a little more than a week. I'm not sure what to do...does anyone else have any opinions? She does mention this guy around me and others as well a fair amount of the time, which kind of annoys me but I've learned to deal with it. If she is so in love with me, and tells me that I'm the best thing that has happened to her in years, why is she telling another guy she misses him. Is this innocent? Should I be worried? Please any feedback would be greatly appreciated! Thanks

[juststarry6443]

You are completely over thinking it. He isn't a secret. She talks to him about YOU. Girls can have male best friends too. Friends can miss each other and put as many smiley faces as they want.

 

I trust her. You should too.

 

I feel that this post has so many unnecessary details because you're trying so hard to find some wrong in her actions, but you guys will be alright.

[russellfitch1980]

Thanks, that made me feel a little bit better about the situation. I do trust her and I don't think she would ever do anything to mess this up. She tells me that I mean more to her than anything and that I'm the one. I know she means it, I just don't want any flirting going on. Should there be borderlines between my girlfriend and her male friends though or no? Should I just let her do as she pleases and know and trust that everything is fine and will be fine? I do think things will be fine, it was just seeing that text got me worried and the first thing any guy including myself would do is jump to conclusions and I don't want to do that. Thanks for the post.

[candie13]

"I miss you"???? To a guy??? wtf, man?

 

first of all, I hardly text my mates. I catch up with them, we hang out. That's it.

 

Your gf is young and she is flirting. Not cool, if in a relationship. Tell her what you did, why you did it and ask her to come clean.

 

It's only a matter of time until they move from "I miss you" to more physical things. Be proactive and don't wait up until you get cheated on to confront her / this situation.

 

Cheers

[veggirl]

She's towing the line. I'd be worried about their blossoming uh friendship. This is how affairs start, just sayin.

[russellfitch1980]

What if she is not the one who initiated the "I miss you"? She has always had problems with being to overly friendly and she knows it. She has the excuse that she doesn't want to offend the person even if she doesn't like them. Is there any possibility that she would say it back even if she didn't want to say it? I know this sounds crazy, but I'm really confused as to why she would say this to another guy thats a friend. She has told me about this guy and how he is just a friend, and I have met him a few different times at school. She has also never hung out with him by themselves. It is always with a group of people.

[candie13]

you are trying really really hard to deny the evidence... it doesn't matter if she initiated it or not. She stayed there. She responded. It looks bad. You are not supposed to miss another guy, if in a relationship. I tell my very close friends - gfs - I luv them, but usually it's after crying a good time, talking a lot and them providing me with feedback and support.

 

There really is NO EXCUSABLE situation where a girl can tell a guy "I miss you". Your gf and that guy are not even proper friends. They hang out in the same group.

 

To me, that is emotionally cheating, but I am a bit drastic, that way. Would you ever tell another woman you "miss her"? How would you have to feel towards her, in order to say that, to write that? Think about it really hard. You're very much involved... you're a bit in denial. Talk to some of your girlfriends, IRL, they will be able to explain that better to you.

[russellfitch1980]

I can agree with that, the only girls that I have ever said that two are these two sisters that I grew up and I have known since I was 6. We are close family friends, and I rarely say it to either one of them. Usually when we haven't hung out in a few months I will text them and say hey "Name" I miss you, lets get together for lunch or something. I think that is a totally different situation with me. I have known these 2 girls my entire life, and she has known him for a little over 6 months...Would you recommend me confessing that I looked at her text messages? Tell her that I saw what she said and demand the truth? Thanks.

[candie13]

well... I don't see any other way...

 

maybe someone on this forum can come with a more creative approach, so that you don't confess to actually invading her privacy... which is bad. But, you had reasons to. And it turns out you were right...

 

Anyway, generally speaking, girls are more affectionate than men, with their friends, close friends, relatives... but no excuse to text a guy that stuff.

 

Let's see what the others might say. But either way, address this matter asap.

[Spacegirl]

Hi there, Russelfitch1980.

 

It seems like you've gotten opinions from both sides of the spectrum so I'll come in just in the middle for good measure

 

Two things:

 

1-"Normal" is relative. Meaning, to each his own.

Personally, I agree that she's way friendly with this dude. And personally, if my boyfriend were this close to another girl, it would be a problem. But if I were to look at this objectively, without the bias of how I'd feel if it were me in this satiation, then I'd say that what's unacceptable to some may be completely within the norm to others. Everyone is different and every relationship has its own personality, boundaries and expectations based on the people in the relationship. For example, some people might feel that it is totally ok for them and their partner to be friends with their exes. While others might feel like its inappropriate. Some might like a lil spanking in the bedroom. Others might feel like it's violent. You catch my drift. So, all is relative but normal stops being normal when it negatively affects those in the relationship, influencing their trust and security levels. Which leads me to point 2.

 

2-You don't trust her.

I know you say that you do and I can see that you really want to but you don't, not really; otherwise, you'd have never found yourself sneaking into her texts.

Here, in case you disagree, the definition of trust according to google: "Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something." So, the minute you lose this firm belief in someone's truth, question this truth or resign to go behind a person's back searching for answers because you question this truth, you no longer trust them. Not completely, anyway. And to me that says that what she's doing, the nature of her closeness to this guy is not normal for YOU. And that's what matters here. Because in the end you can have everyone and their mother analyse their relationship--(maybe its innocent flirting, maybe its not so innocent flirting, maybe she likes the attention, maybe he's in love with her and she's just too friendly, maybe she's in love with him and he's actually gay)--seriously, the list can go on. The bottom line is, you're not comfortable with their closeness, it's giving you doubts, and making you feel insecure. And you should never feel insecure in a relationship. Period.

 

My advise to you. A relationship is nothing if it doesn't have great communication, honesty and trust.

 

So before this starts snowballing into something bigger and more dramatic, I suggest you:

1-come clean about invading her privacy,

2-apologise but also explain the reasons behind your actions

3-have an open discussion about what the limits should be in your relationship when it comes to friends of the opposite sex or anything else for that matter. Set those boundaries, follow them.

 

That way if ever any of those boundaries are broken in the future, you'll have no reason to lurk around her phone or her laptop. You'll know because you know which lines are not to be crossed because it isn't normal or acceptable in your relationship.

 

I hope this helps.

[russellfitch1980]

Thanks for the input Spacegirl! You really made some valid points in your post. I either think it is 1 of 2 things going on, 1 (she likes the attention) she is a little bit materialistic in some ways and enjoys being the center of attention. She enjoys making friends, and always having something to do when she is not with me especially at school. The good news is she never hangs out with this guy outside of school. She will text him like I said occasionally but its maybe a few times a day if that. 2 could be it's innocent flirting. I understand that friends are friends and sometimes they flirt here and there, but you should know where to draw the line.

 

Anything can be considered flirting now these days, but I feel that saying I miss you to someone that your are not in a relationship with is a little bit disrespectful to your partner, unless they really are a good friend and you haven't seen them in weeks or months. She had only not seen this guy for about a week, and she has only known him since september so (7 months). I'm going to give it time, and let her be and see what happens. I don't want to accuse anyone or point fingers here. Like I said she does mention me a lot of the times when she talks to him and most of the time it's just harmful conversation that I don't mind.