about my ex and her friendship offer?

[Cheetos]

Me and my ex we together for almost 3 years. We were the best of friends. We eventually broke up and she went back to her ex. It's been about 2 years since then and she has numerously asked me if we can just be friends. Over the last 6 months or so she's been talking to me. I assumed that she was not seeing her ex anymore because that's what she told me beforehand. She left to go to basic training and just recently got back about 2 weeks ago. She wrote me while she was in basic and she's been texting me since she was back. We've hung out a couple of times(going out to eat, hanging out at my house, etc.). Yesterday she asked me "Does it bother u that I just want to be friends? U ok with that?" I replied with "You know how I feel about you and that I want us to be more than friends, but if being friends for a start will bring us close. I am willing to give all I got. If all you want is friends then I'm sorry but no I cannot." She said that she sees me as a friend then dropped the bombshell on me and said "I'm still with my ex. I thought that we could hang out and have fun. We have fun together" I told her "I'm sorry but no. I wish you the best of luck. Take care. She's text me a couple of times, but I never replied. The last thing she said was "So ur not going to talk to me ever again?" and I still haven't replied. I don't know what to say. I still love this girl and I want her back, but I won't just settle being just friends especially if she has a boyfriend. What do I do?

[RiceaRoni]

Me and my ex we together for almost 3 years. We were the best of friends. We eventually broke up and she went back to her ex. It's been about 2 years since then and she has numerously asked me if we can just be friends. Over the last 6 months or so she's been talking to me. I assumed that she was not seeing her ex anymore because that's what she told me beforehand. She left to go to basic training and just recently got back about 2 weeks ago. She wrote me while she was in basic and she's been texting me since she was back. We've hung out a couple of times(going out to eat, hanging out at my house, etc.). Yesterday she asked me "Does it bother u that I just want to be friends? U ok with that?" I replied with "You know how I feel about you and that I want us to be more than friends, but if being friends for a start will bring us close. I am willing to give all I got. If all you want is friends then I'm sorry but no I cannot." She said that she sees me as a friend then dropped the bombshell on me and said "I'm still with my ex. I thought that we could hang out and have fun. We have fun together" I told her "I'm sorry but no. I wish you the best of luck. Take care. She's text me a couple of times, but I never replied. The last thing she said was "So ur not going to talk to me ever again?" and I still haven't replied. I don't know what to say. I still love this girl and I want her back, but I won't just settle being just friends especially if she has a boyfriend. What do I do?

 

 

 

Honestly i say stick with the NC..she lied to you about not seeing her ex anymore and I think she may be keeping you on the back burner in case things don't go smoothly with her ex.

 

You already stated to her you want to be more than friends and that is how you feel. She knows what you want, but does not see it the same way.

 

I would find it painful to try and be friends with someone I love more than a friend...especially if they have their ex back or is intimate with someone else..

 

let yourself heal.

 

just my 2 cents

[Cheetos]

Honestly i say stick with the NC..she lied to you about not seeing her ex anymore and I think she may be keeping you on the back burner in case things don't go smoothly with her ex.

 

You already stated to her you want to be more than friends and that is how you feel. She knows what you want, but does not see it the same way.

 

I would find it painful to try and be friends with someone I love more than a friend...especially if they have their ex back or is intimate with someone else..

 

let yourself heal.

 

just my 2 cents

Should I leave it at what I said last or should I respond to her last text asking me if I'm not going to talk to her ever again? Why do you think she keeps contacting me over the last 2 years since the break up ending up with the whole "can we be friends thing" when I told her that I can't do it. This has to be like the 4th time it's happen.

[Sososad]

I can relate here but your stronger than me i was contemplating going down the friend road .

I kinda think the fact she has been very clear that she only wants to be friends it's a little selfish to not respect your wishes .

God knows why she's tried to keep in contact for 2 years ?!?

I think no contact will let her see you can't have your cake and eat it.

I admire your courage your been very strong and this is not a easy situation!

[Vinny85]

You honestly told her what you want and she simply cannot give you that. In the same way, you also told her what you did not want. So basically, you allready answered your own question.

 

I know that love makes things very complicated (Hell, else there would be no use for such a forum as this one) and makes it so that analogies are very farfetched but let's give it a chance:

 

Let's say you like to eat steak at your favorite restaurant. You love it a lot over there, eat there every day and you tip very well. Needless to say, the restaurant loves to have you.

 

But at one moment, the restaurant for whatever reason decides they rather server only vegetarian meals. Say goodbye to your steak....

 

Than after a while, the restaurant starts to miss you as a customer and wants you back. You miss the restaurant and the steak. So you come back and tell the restaurant manager that you are willing to take things slow and compromise. It's ok if they do not serve you steak right away, you are ok with having porkchops first. But ONLY if there is a good chance steak WILL be on the menu some day again. If that is not the case, you will not settle for just a salad.

 

However, the manager says they still only serve vegetarian dishes, and does try to win you over with a great salad. Even tho yo do like the salad and do like the restaurant, it is not what you want?

 

What do you do? Sit at the table and wait for the steak to be brought in out of nowhere? As long as you are at that table, the restaurant manager got you where he wants you to be and there is NO reason to change their mind and all of a sudden serve steak to you. Furthermore, it makes you look pathetic. You simply said you will not settle for a salad, and yet, you are still there. Are you still that awesome customer you used to be?

 

Best bet is to leave the restaurant and try to find steak somewhere else.

 

 

As for your second question:

She asks you if you are never going to talk to her again. Let's change the situation. Let's imagine it's me (some forum poster you don't know) who asks you if you are ever going to talk to her again. What would your honest answer be? Do you think you could give that same answer to her?

 

As for why she contacts you about the being friends thing? Well, when I was 16 I have had a RS with a girl officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It ****ed me up, 7 years later I was still seeing a psychotherapist because of it. I swore I would never want ANYTHING to do with that girl. Yet? I have been considering to contact her in a friendly manner several times the past few months. Why? Truly, I haven't even got the slightest clue myself.

Edited April 22, 2013 by Vinny85

[LumberJack]

...I don't know what to say. I still love this girl and I want her back, but I won't just settle being just friends especially if she has a boyfriend.

 

Sounds to me like you know exactly what to say: "I still love you and want you back but I won't settle for being just friends, especially if you have a boyfriend". 'Matter of fact - you already said it!

 

I say continue NC. If she wants to *meet* and talk, say it to her again. Sounds to me like you've made your wishes and your boundaries super-clear.

 

IME texts and e-mails only create confusion.

[fancy feast]

Should I leave it at what I said last or should I respond to her last text asking me if I'm not going to talk to her ever again? Why do you think she keeps contacting me over the last 2 years since the break up ending up with the whole "can we be friends thing" when I told her that I can't do it. This has to be like the 4th time it's happen.

 

If you want it to be the last time, you have to stick to your guns and not reply.