One year, thirteen days

[neptoon]

It's been one year and thirteen days since I experienced the greatest heartbreak in my life to date when my ex-bf broke up with me after 5 years and after 3 years of living together. I just thought I'd share what I've learned in this year.

 

I can't say I don't miss him sometimes. He was the love of my life and I loved him passionately.

 

In retrospect, I knew it was over long before it was over. It wasn't that I thought he became unattractive to me -- it's just that I knew we weren't right for each other. I think we both knew it but I didn't have the courage to leave because it was just so much easier to continue on in inertia rather than disrupt our whole lives and go through the change that was long overdue.

 

Before we broke up, I spent many nights looking at his beautiful, angelic face as he slept. I cried because I knew it would be over one day. I cried because I knew how much it would hurt and how it would be a long time before I could be happy again. I loved him deeply and on a level I never loved anyone. He was my best friend, he was the person I entrusted everything to. I helped him build his business and he helped me build my self-esteem.

 

Our mistake was this: that we spent all our time building our lives around each other rather than building it for ourselves as individuals. There wasn't a balance. There were other things, too ... he never paid his share of the rent and I was stiffed with all the costs of living. The other things on the list are too long to list and it doesn't matter anymore.

 

The relationship ended for no real, concrete reason. It was a fight about who got to use the car. I felt he picked the fight with me. I begged him not to leave but he said that that was what he wanted. I cried for a whole month and it was the most excruciating emotional pain I've ever endured. After about a month when we broke up, he tried to say that "we aren't really broken up" but that "we just needed some time". I knew otherwise and thought, "Why procrastinate the inevitable?" -- I told him that it was really over.

 

Things got really ugly AFTER the break up. We began fighting over petty things as we moved out. He gave away the fish I hadn't moved out of the place yet to his a**h*** friend. He was mad at me because I went and got another place (although I was still paying rent on the old place which he still lived at) -- I initially thought the break up would be temporary before the first month (I think I was going through denial). I told him I would stay with my mother for a while but I wanted closure and finality to it. And, I guess, that when there is a break-up, it's sometimes better to accept that it's over and move on rather than having it drag out.

 

Initially we were still friends and on speaking terms after we each eventually got our own places. Then, he called me in December and said he still loved me. But, in November, I had started seeing another man that I had known a while but we never started talking or dating until three months after my break-up with my ex. I told him about it and he started crying. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. He acts like I betrayed him somehow but I didn't -- he was the one who broke up with me and, after 3 months, well, I think it's fair game that I start seeing other people. In that last conversation, he cried and said that he had just thought I needed time to find myself and to be my own person. He was right -- I did need that time by myself and to find myself -- and when I started to, I realized that I didn't want him back...ever. I have a whole rash of reasons why -- it was never about anyone else or anything specific. I can't define it with words -- it was that I wanted to have kids one day, just not with him; I wanted to build a future but not with him. Ironically, he was the one that set it all in motion.

 

Today, I bear no grudge against him. I still go through moments where I miss things about him and I still feel the sting when I come across things of his (like pairs of socks or a shirt of his that got mixed up in bags of clothes that I hadn't taken out of storage since I moved out of the place I had with him). But, were he to come back today, I wouldn't get back together with him. I've grown up since that time and I know that we're not right for each other to spend an entire life with each other. There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. I love him as a person but it's just less painful if we're not friends.

 

While I was with him, I was happy BUT, forever is a long time.

 

I went through all the stages of grief during that break-up. Now, I find myself seeking to change everything about my life -- everything that was a part of me when I was with him. I think I'm going through the final stage of grief now: acceptance. It's easy to be mislead to believe that this is the easiest stage but it isn't. I think this is where the real journey begins.

 

1. I must resist the temptation to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Part of acceptance means that I must learn to differentiate what hurt from the positive things I developed as part of myself when I was with him. He had taught me a lot. It was not all bad. It was not all a waste of time because I learned a great deal about relationships from it.

 

2. I've learned to adapt the things I've learned about relationships from that to make my current relationship better. I am in love with the man I'm with and I want to marry him one day. I've learned the difference between love and being in love.

 

3. That the relationship ending was neither one of our "faults" and this is true of many relationships. Oftentimes, they end for no other reason than circumstances and because we may be selecting a mate based on values that are not yet mature. Sometimes, it's because the two people are too much the same. It's not necessarily a "fault" and, for those of us leaving relationships and feeling bad about ourselves because we were just "dumped" -- we must remember that sometimes, it's nothing even personal -- maybe you're just too different or too similar to work together to build a life.

 

4. That when the break-up occurs, we go through a thing where we believe that we cannot attract other mates -- that there is nobody else out there for us -- that this person was "the perfect one". There is no such thing. It's what we make of it and it's what we make of ourselves. You WILL find another person. Be with the other person because you GENUINELY WANT to be with them. Don't live your life in unhappiness because of an unrooted fear that you'll "never find anyone else". It is only in that state of mind that you can experience the deepest and most sincere love for another person. There is no such thing as a person who's too unattractive to find another mate. There is no such thing as "no one else will love me". Know this and know this in your heart with complete and utter conviction. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy ... it is the confidence and energy that you give off to other people.

 

It is only when you begin to move on that you can accept loss with grace. Don't fight it -- move with it and take a look inside. Embrace the fact that you've learned from it to make yourself a better person. For example, if someone used you and, at the end you see it, embrace the lesson of how it feels to be on the receiving end of it and work on your own life and abilities to make sure that you're self-reliant and you never do this to anyone. Allow it to make you stronger and become a better person.

 

A year and thirteen days ago, I cried tears of sorrow because I had lost a person that I had thought was the love of my life. A year and thirteen days later, I feel blissful because of the insight I've gained and how it changed my point of view.

 

Stay strong and you'll get through it, too.

 

Now my camera and I are going to take a walk and enjoy this beautiful, high-definition day.

[Merin]

Awesome post;)

[ajonesman]

It is good to hear about an inspiring post as many post on here are some what on the negative side (meaning not totally uplifting). As someone who is about 6 months out of a relationship there where times that I felt like I just wanted to die to nowadays there are sometimes I actually catch myself having fun from time to time! . Don't get me wrong. I still find myself bouncing around the different stages of grief. Like the day I wrote this poem (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=302853). But I do feel I am getting closer to acceptance. Thanks for sharing your insight with us!

 

-A

[seductress989]

Your post was very inspiring to me and I thank you for it. I went through a very similiar situation with my ex. We broke up 3 months ago and I've just began to see other people. It feels really strange and awkward. In the back of my mind, I still feel like it's wrong.

 

I know it's not wrong, it just feels that way. I still care about him and he claims to still have feelings for me. I don 't believe him. What I do believe is that our relationship was wonderful in many ways and terrible in others. We learned a lot from each other. We did not live together but we seen each other a lot. That can make or break a relationship if abused. Thanx again for your enlightening post.

[neptoon]

Good poem, ajonesman. It sounds like you were badly hurt.

 

The roughest part for me during the first 3 months after the break up was how the sun looked at 5:00 -- when we used to meet up after work. God, that killed me. I used to look out my office window and see the beginning of sunset at around 5 and get all excited because we met up after work to go home. It was one of the better things about the relationship -- having someone to go home to.

 

Once in a very rare while, I still get that feeling when I'm by myself at sunset. Even after a year...hey, no one ever said it was going to be easy. I cried a lot. I started getting into different routines and that helped -- I took an economics class at the university that started around 5:00 so I could be in a lecture hall without windows -- just so I wouldn't have to see the sunset and think of him. As time went on, I began to think of sunsets as time to go to class and not to meet him. If a certain time or date has significance to you, find something constructive to do around that time and create new memories for that time.

 

I'll admit that I did start picking up some bad habits after the break up. I started drinking...a lot. But I've tapered that down now, too.

 

Once in a while, I take a route and walk by a building where he worked (I don't know if he still works there -- a lot can change in a year) but I'd think of him.

 

About a month ago, I drove past the building where we used to live. Bad idea. I went through a couple of days of feeling very sad. I would strongly advise against doing this at all costs.

 

His mother had also sent me an email about 2 months after we broke up to say that there were some of my clothes mixed up in his laundry and suggested that she give them to him to give back to me. She was the one that broke us up (I have ample reason to believe this) -- but anything that you didn't immediately think to get back at the time -- just forget about it. Unless it's an irreplaceable family heirloom (which it probably isn't if you didn't think to get it back right away) ... you can always buy it back later. Nothing is worth the BS feelings that will surface once you see the ex again. I replied a very brief one-liner email that just told his mother to either throw them out or give them to a shelter.

 

If you had common friends, it's good to disassociate yourself from that social circle, too.

 

Regardless of what these therapists say, it's better to just pretend they're dead. It's NOT good to talk about them -- because if you don't talk about them, it forces you to find other subjects of conversation, thus, accumulating new interests or knowledge. Don't talk about them. Not only will it bore your friends to death, but it's just another painful reminder of what's not there anymore and it puts you in a negative mood. You may feel you need to talk about it -- if so, keep a journal just so you can do a brain dump. When you write about the situation, it helps to write about it from the 3rd person perspective. Never write about it in the first while the hurt is still there -- it makes it more personal and your emotions prevent you from a more analytical, logical mindset.

 

I see so many people here on the forum that claim to be "hopelessly" in love with such and such a person but they talk about the person cheating on them AGAIN or whatnot. If that was the case, why would they want the person back anyway? I've thought a lot about this and I think it's because people are missing the good times and not the person.

 

Remaining in a negative situation is an opportunity cost -- it prevents you from finding a person you CAN be happy with. A person cannot force another to be happy in a relationship. A person cannot forcefully stop another from cheating on them.

 

Seize the day and go forward without fear knowing that someone who's better suited for you is out there.

[neptoon]

One other thing I forgot to mention:

 

I was eating the other day and just happened to have the TV on (I've long since put my TV out in the dumpster but since I moved in with my bf, I hear the odd thing). A commercial for Sex in the City came on. They air this clip a lot on my local station and it was saying: "There just aren't any men available". SAY WHAAAAT? I caught myself thinking, "Wow...I'm lucky to have found someone...." -- but wait a second here ... what's happening? I'll admit I have a bit of a tinfoil hat attitude towards TV and I analyze everything that's being said (nothing on TV happens accidentally). Immediately after a break-up...DON'T SIT AT HOME AND WATCH TV whatever you do! In fact, it's a good time to even toss away the TV (if you can't, then just unplug it for a few months -- cancel your cable). Because of its close ties with advertisers, it is in television's best interest to make you insecure about yourself so that you'll buy more clothes, cosmetics, hair products, alcohol, etc. in an attempt to banish your insecurities during your most emotionally vulnerable time (and yes, I have done a lot of work in mass communications). It's a very lonely downward spiral. Plus, it isolates you and allows you to dwell on the negative. Go out -- even if you go out by yourself.

 

BTW, don't underestimate the fun you can have going out by yourself. At first I was scared but there's something about sitting seeing a person sit in a coffee shop or having dinner by yourself that is inviting -- it invites people to talk to you, it allows you to meet new people. Getting the confidence to do things by yourself is almost the entire battle -- once you get the confidence to do it, people will be drawn by your confidence and they will want to talk to you. Don't go out expecting to meet someone who'll be your next partner -- just go out there and make new friends.

[ICantStopLovinHim]

I have to say the things you have said touch me in such away.

I want to be as strong as you maybe you have a few words of advice?

I have a very complicated story to make it short. I was in a very abusive hurtfull marriage towards the end i wanted out and i wanted out BAD. Anyway i met a wonderfull man who helped me realize i was hangong on to my marriage because i didnt want to be a failure.....i also had two kids and wanted to make things right by them....and its because of them i had the courage to leave him after 7 years of marriage......the man i met the one who i fell madly in love with who helped me leave my husband.

 

Well he is a taken man i spent two years with him alone sad because he had someone at home and since i left my husband i didnt. I loved him very much but i loved myself more so i left him.....it was hard very hard but we didnt live together or anything because he had a girlfriend when me wet. I truly believed thought that he was and still is my soul mate... we are just friends now

 

Anyway my dilema? I met a man after i left the taken one who swept me off my feet. He was everything i thoght i wanted. about 7 months of being together i got pregnant....now our son is 9 months old and we have been together almost two years. And i KNOW I dont love him anymore, rather im not IN love with him. I still lust after the taken man almost every day.

I know me and my current b/f are not going to be together forever i dont want it and i feel like he doesnt either. Sometimes i feel if he leaves me iwont care. I want to leave him I know we dont love each other like we used too, But we have a child together now. and my other two look up to him like a father figure.

 

So please tell me what am i to do? I am so confused.. thanks for your help sorry for the long post

[neptoon]

Minus the child, I believe I've been in a similar situation before -- about wanting someone that was taken while I was coming out of an abusive relationship about 7 years ago. I believe it's a part of the "battered wife's syndrome".

 

In brief, I think this is where you may be unconsciously looking for a knight in shining armor.

 

Let me probe a little more: were you emotionally abused by your parents?

 

I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother, who took every opportunity to put me under her control under the auspices of being protective. She threatened me whenever she could. When I was a child, she would always tell me how ugly I was, how I was fat (as a child), how no man would ever want me and I should just accept the fact that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life living with my mother. She said this to me for years. She told me that a woman who was desirable by men was one that isn't as smart as the man.

 

As a result, my self-image and self-esteem was shattered and I lacked confidence in my own abilities. Thus, for a long time, I accepted this abusive relationship as the best that I could do and accepted the situation I was in because I felt I had no choice.

 

I didn't figure it out until I was 30 that everything but everything that my mother told me was a lie and when I began to see that, I took control of my life.

 

I read something somewhere (I don't remember where now) but it said that people who were abused (emotionally or physically) by either or both parents were far more likely to be in an abusive relationship. It's because you enter a state of mind where the most basic element of Maslow's hierarchy is not met: personal security.

 

It was why I looked for a knight in shining armor for so long.

 

Invest in your skills for self-sustainability. When you learn to rely on yourself to sustain yourself and your children, I believe that you'll look at the situation differently and be able to make a better decision.

 

With regards to the situation involving the "taken man" -- do you really want this man or are you just attracted to the fact that he won't leave his wife and this is what you're looking for in a man. You can always redefine what you want. Do you really want the taken man for yourself -- he'll likely do to you what he's doing to his wife. You had to have come to that conclusion at some point, so we can rule out you wanting him for emotional support.

 

Again, invest in your skills for sustainability. I'm pretty sure that when you attain a level where you're confident with your skillset to get financial stability for yourself, that you'll not find the taken man attractive anymore. I'm also pretty sure that you'll also find different kinds of men (i.e. men who aren't abusive) attractive.

[indicolite]

neptoon, i am glad to hear you realized the truth. me, it took so long and when it ended, he had cheated and it was worse than if we had broken up due to the inevitable life differences.

anyway, i have to say when you have someone new it is always easier to move on than not. i was curious though the one you are with now that you hope to marry, how can you distinguish a rebound from the real thing so soon after. i had a hard time for so long and 2 years later i am NOW fine. but it took long because he worked at the same company and so did she for a while, but as karma would have it they were laid off and moved in with his relatives or something, in another city. slight win for me, but it is not even about that anymore.

i do hear ya, when you are not on the same page financially nor have the same general values, etc--there will be resentment that builds. i think though that it is better to be similar than opposite! for me, i am a planner and responsible--he wanted kids but couldn't ever pay for them....living check to check and always thought he was too good for this job etc even when not having any education to back up the arrogance.

just curious, you said it took you until 30 to realize some things--are you in your 30s then.

[neptoon]

Yeah, I'm in my early 30's.

 

I really miss him sometimes. I think he was the love of my life. I felt passion like never before.

 

Over the past few days, I've done some thinking. I'm not really sure if the man I'm with is the one I want to marry. I don't know if I could distinguish between the "real" thing and a "rebound". Perhaps I am rebounding . How can you tell if you were on the rebound?

 

My friend and I were talkiing about "Great Loves" yesterday -- everyone's got one -- their "Great Love". My friend shared his words of wisdom with me. He said: "Great loves are like no other -- and they hurt like a b*tch and it's hurt you'll take with you to your grave."

 

I asked him how long it took him to get over his "Great One". He said: "You never get over The Great One"

 

I wept for my Great One yesterday. It still don't want him back, though...yet I love him, enough never to speak to him again because of the hurt it would cause both of us. I could never be friends with him.

[gobain]

Thank you, neptoon.

 

I'm just at the stage where I am living my life for me again and your post helps keep things in perspective. I love him what all that I am - but that doesn't mean that he's all that there is. I left him for the right reasons and I will survive through the times when I miss him and doubt my decision.

 

I have hope that after one year and thirteen days I will be where you are now.

 

Thanks again - I love to read the positive posts.

[indicolite]

i am also in my early 30's, 33 to be exact. i think the last breakup was difficult because of where i am at in my life and how long i was with him, 5.5 years. so right as i was 31, all of this hit and we had talked marriage etc--thought he was the one. so then whenthat the whole i found myself single at 31, it was tough --i think because i felt the marriage and kids and settling down was NOT to be in my destiny.

so while i am now over him and know he was not right for me, i feel like i am the only single person. don't get me wrong--i am very independent and love living alone, and have not been a serial relationship person with one after another. it's not that i must be in a relationship to be happy--i suppose i lament that my 20s have passed and i always thought i would have found the one by now. and it gets harder to have the happy attitude, hope, etc....

so i think maybe it is more of an age thing for me and that last relationship being in my "prime" years...but maybe it will be better in my 30's!! i sure hope so. i do have much more personal security and confidence in myself, but sigh....why do i feel so single?? i should just be happy i exist and got away from the negative situations!

[neptoon]

I can see how the biological clock thing can be perceived -- but it was one of the reasons why I wanted out of that old relationship in the first place -- because my clock was ticking and I knew he wouldn't be a good father or husband.

 

so then whenthat the whole i found myself single at 31, it was tough --i think because i felt the marriage and kids and settling down was NOT to be in my destiny.

Banish these thoughts immediately. You're not the only single person, indicolite. I can personally vouch for that. I have many friends who are in the same position. Some even have kids and are divorced. My best friend, Mary (not her real name), talks to me about this all the time. She worries that she'll be alone for the rest of her life. But, I think how one handles it is important. It's all in the mind and what you believe to be true in your mind, your body will act out in body language, expressed in the manifestations of posture, relaxed facial gestures, etc. She feels bitter about some guy calling it off and marrying someone else and now allows this to manifest itself in her body language and often comes off negatively. I'm not saying that you do this but I'm saying in general to watch out for negativity manifesting itself in your body language without you knowing it. I've fallen into this trap before.

 

The consumer goods industry wants you to believe that shiny hair or clothes or make-up or shoes will enhance your attractiveness to potential mates. The media shows you a distorted version of what the opposite sex desires for a long-term mate. It's all in the mind and the body language.

 

Find things that bring out your passion. Pursue your passions. Take classes and try different things out. Acknowledge the passions of others and sample in their passions (no, I don't mean romantic passion -- I mean, as an example, if they have a passion for cooking, cook with them and see what it is that attracts them to their passion). You never know, you might even like it. It may change the way you see the world. As you begin doing these things and learning more your criteria for a perfect mate changes.

 

IMHO, it even helps identify what it is I'm looking for in a perfect mate.