Miffy Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 Too much to post here regarding history and it won't affect anyones advice anyway. es from hating him and wa Basically I have been married 8 years, have two gorgeous children age 5 and 3 and need some advice. I got into a relationship with someone who was temporarily working in my office. I fell for the charm, he wanted us to be together etc. and painted a picture of how things would be. I fell for it and whilst I don't want to go into too much detail my husband knows nothing and the temp has left and blows hot and cold. I am a sensible girl and fell for the charm. I just want advice from people on how to stop thinking about the person all the time to the point of obsessional, I don;t want to hurt my hubby or kids and this man is not worthy in my opinion anyway! BUT i can't seem to stop thinking about him - it ranges from hating him and wanting to hurt him to just wishing i could run away and be with him - am i normal, please help. Link to post Share on other sites
bulldoggirl Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 Hi Miffy~ I'm sorry you're going thru all this, it's tough I know. While I've never actually had an affair, I have been very attracted to a friend of my husbands. What I found to be helpful is to get busy!!! Do you have any hobbies or other intrests to keep your mind off him? I found that when I took up photography & decided to enter a pageant (I used to compete in college) this other guy practically vanished from my thoughts! You'd be amazed what keeping busy can do for your "obsessive" thoughts. So try to find something that intrests you & keep us posted! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
teressa0397 Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 well we are an the same boat; maybe we can keep an touch help each other and talk about it if you would like; thank's teressa0397 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 Hello, Here is a thought that might help. Keep thinking about how you would feel if your husband had done to you what you have done to him. By the way, if the roles were reversed would you want your husband not to tell you that he had slept with another woman behind your back and is still thinking of her? I would suggest you get into marriage counseling with your husband and practice honesty and communication in your relationship. You are still betraying your husband by not telling him the truth. It is a classic line for a cheating spouse to say they wish to withhold the truth on the grounds that they do not wish to hurt their spouse. The reality is that they do not wish to suffer the consequences of their actions. Either you have honesty and respect in your relationship or you do not. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
teressa0397 Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 thanks for your advise -------if ican only tell my heart to let go; my brain whats to my heart dont; i want to be me again i want to be a good person in my relationship with my husband; i just dont no how to break lose from the affair?? please understand; thanks teressa0397 Link to post Share on other sites
teressa0397 Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 iam there in the same boat with you --- my brain tells me to let go my heart dont; i just want to break lose from the affair maybe we can be friends and talk to each other since we have the same problem; thanks teressa0397 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 My thought...and I've not been in your boat, so can't honestly say much. But my wife has been where you're at, and what seemed to work for her is this... Concentrate on your husband. Focus on all the good things with him, and work to build your love for HIM. If there were things that you felt that you got from your OM that you're not getting from your husband, then work with your husband to GET them. Make your marriage the relationship which is fulfilling your needs...not the one you had with your OM. Let go of the past. Don't worry about that as much as work on the future. When you think about your OM, do something like this... If you think "Wow, I really miss when my OM made me feel like this" add something like "...but I LOVE it when my husband does THIS." Others will disagree, but I too feel that your husband has the right to know. Its his marriage too, and right now its based off of not having all the facts. And you know, if he decides to leave you over it, that really does become the price you pay for your indiscretions. But you know, if you come out and be honest, and demonstrate to him your desire to remake your marriage into something better, he very well may want to work it out with you. If you can't be honest with him, and communicate with him, then your marriage is likely doomed anyway. That "not being honest", and not communicating is what got my marriage into trouble. We're recovering, and its looking damn good right now. Good luck to you and yours!! Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 Hi Miffy~ I'm sorry you're going thru all this, What bull**** to be sympathic towards her. I can understand if this was done to her, but SHE is doing or has done the cheating. For all you women out there who 'fall' for another guy's charm, or whatever it maybe, you need to grow up and stop acting selfish. Start being responsible towards your vows if you wish to be with your husband, otherwise give him the opportunity to find someone else. You want your cake and to eat it too, which won't happen. Many people have tried before but it all comes crashing down. Maybe not today, but one day where if you don't make the decision of either/or, the decision will be made for you. Link to post Share on other sites
250r Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 Tell your husband, he deserves to know the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Miffy Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 Thank you to all who replied, some a bit more nasty than others I have to say but thank you to those who gave constructive comments. It is very easy to follow the rule book when you have not been in this situation - feelings are powerful things and it is hard to look at it objectively when it is happening to you. Teresa yes it would be nice to chat privately - I am not sure how you want to do it? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 Hmmm...well, we've all of us here been in one aspect or another of your current situation. Either as wayward spouse, betrayed spouse, or other person. If you don't want to hear or accept the advice of those of us who have been through your situation, fine. If you are really just looking for someone to share your grief with, with no desire to get out of the situation, I'd recommend you post on the OM/OW board. I'd think that a lot of the posters there may feel more sympathetic toward you and your situation. While I'm not quite as angry as some about things, I do feel that its a sad shame if you're not looking to do something about your problem. Link to post Share on other sites
inturmoil Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 I just want advice from people on how to stop thinking about the person all the time to the point of obsessional, I don;t want to hurt my hubby or kids and this man is not worthy in my opinion anyway! BUT i can't seem to stop thinking about him - it ranges from hating him and wanting to hurt him to just wishing i could run away and be with him - am i normal, please help. While I cannot offer you advise on how to stop thinking about this man, I am right there in the canoo with you. It's been almost 4 months since I last saw the man I had an affair with. I miss him so much, and hate him so much at the same time. I have 2 wonderful children, and a husband that loves me very much. The feelings wont go away for this OM though. I guess I need advise too. I do think that we are normal though, and as time goes by it should get better. Dont make the mistake I did. I told my husband about the affair. Not the best idea. I just ended up hurting him, and my lose my marriage over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 I'm sorry, but you are advocating NOT telling the husband he has been cheated on? Because it may cost your marriage? So how would you look at yourself in the mirror every morning? How can you look your children in the eye and tell them honesty is important? How can you lie in bed next to your spouse as they profess their love for you and hold you in a close embrace? Better to be honest and face the consequences of YOUR actions than to keep making a fool of your spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
Joyce Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Miffy, I have been in your shoes and I understand what you are going through. Other posts may be harsh but they are giving you advice based on what an affair did to them. It hurts people beyond any word can explain. People on LS understand what it feels like from every aspect of being involved or having a loved one involved in an affair. It is really important to read every post and understand why they are sharing their advice. I still post and give advice hoping that maybe I could help someone end an affair and a lot of LS'ers do the same. I know I can't prevent one from happening... everyone thinks their affair is special it's different... well if you read all the threads on OM/OW you'll find that everyone says that. I am trying to understand your situation so that I can give advise based on the facts. I am not here to judge. Correct me if I am wrong.. you are in an affair and you want out. You want to be with your husband but your heart longs for your OM. You said you go through emotions of hating and wanting to hurt the OM then wanting to run away with him. Are you still seeing the OM? The first thing you need to do is end it for good. Tell him it's over no matter what. Then tell your husband. I know it's not what you want to hear but it really is the first step it working towards getting your life back. If your H did this to you would you want to know? Your marriage is nothing if it is based off of lies and your life will never be normal again. This secret will eat at you like cancer. You want to know how to not think about the OM... Think about why he is with you. What does he want from someone that is married? He is using you. He gets all the perks of being in a relationship without having to be committed. I still have days that I think about the OM but I miss things that were never real. I miss the fantasies that he put in my head. I have missed his friendship before but then I remind myself that he is not the person he portrayed himself to be. Basically think logically and remind yourself of the bad things he has done. Nothing good ever comes out of having an affair. It hurts and affects everyone you love and care about. It's so easy to justify your actions and to continue on with your life like this never occurred.. Do some soul searching. Think about who you have become. Think about what makes you happy in life. Think about your future.. where do you want to be in five years? You don't want to be where are you now and you can't change until you are honest with yourself and everyone around you. I wish you the best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
teressa0397 Posted November 23, 2004 Share Posted November 23, 2004 YES IAM STILL SEEING HIM I SEEN HERE OVER 8 YEARS BUT AN MY MIND ITS JUST AN AFFAIR : I WANT IT TO BE OVER I WANT TO BE ME AGAIN I WANT TO BE MYSELF: YOU NO I LOVE MY LOVER I TOLD HIM TIME AFTER TIME: I WOULD GO 2 WEEKS NOT TALK TO HIM THEN I WOULD BREAK DOWN AN E_ MAIL HIM AND THERE I WOULD GO AGAIN ------- IAM PROCESSED WITH HIM WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?????????? ---- I WANT HIM OUT OF MY BODY SOUL AND MIND: I CANT TELL MY HUSBAND OK YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND BUT I CANT OK: YOU THINK I SHOULD TELL MY LOVERS LIVE AN GIRFRIEND?????? TELL HER EVERYTHING WHAT DO YOU THINK???????? ILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER AFFAIR ITS NOT WORTH IT" TERESSA0397 Link to post Share on other sites
InThisSkinAgain Posted November 23, 2004 Share Posted November 23, 2004 Think you're all tore up now? Wait until you get caught (most likely you will). THEN, when your husband is horrified by you, and the temp who LOVED shagging a married chic since it was no long-term obligation for him lets you down. I mean - hello, for some guys the bigget perk of messing around with a married woman is that NOT ONLY is she grateful for the attention but she is still, at the end of the day, another man's "problem." Not judging you friend, but been there, done that. Link to post Share on other sites
Joyce Posted November 23, 2004 Share Posted November 23, 2004 YES IAM STILL SEEING HIM I SEEN HERE OVER 8 YEARS BUT AN MY MIND ITS JUST AN AFFAIR : I WANT IT TO BE OVER I WANT TO BE ME AGAIN I WANT TO BE MYSELF: YOU NO I LOVE MY LOVER I TOLD HIM TIME AFTER TIME: I WOULD GO 2 WEEKS NOT TALK TO HIM THEN I WOULD BREAK DOWN AN E_ MAIL HIM AND THERE I WOULD GO AGAIN ------- IAM PROCESSED WITH HIM WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?????????? ---- I WANT HIM OUT OF MY BODY SOUL AND MIND: I CANT TELL MY HUSBAND OK YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND BUT I CANT OK: YOU THINK I SHOULD TELL MY LOVERS LIVE AN GIRFRIEND?????? TELL HER EVERYTHING WHAT DO YOU THINK???????? ILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER AFFAIR ITS NOT WORTH IT" TERESSA0397 I am sorry but I don't think you can be yourself again until you are honest with yourself and everyone around you. You can pretend.. you can ignore the other man but this will continue to eat at you. I know I am not telling you what you want to hear but that really is the only way to get your life back. I tried to forget about my affair and go one like nothing happend.. it killed me everyday.. I hated myself and I hated who I had become. My husband would look at me in the eyes every day and tell me what a wonderful person I was. It hurt so bad to hear that from him when he had no idea what kind of person I really was. I am glad you are ready to end your affair but you are also leaving an open door to be able to do this again. If you aren't honest it most likely will continue to happen. You can't ignore your marital problems. They will not fix themselves. Maybe you will be able to find a way to forget about this other man but eventually you will crave that attention again you will find it in someone else. Your H needs to know that there is a problem and you need to work on fixing it. Only you can decide what to do. I really don't have any advice on how to get over him without facing what you have done.. maybe someone else does. I wish you the best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
teressa0397 Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 Originally posted by 250r Tell your husband, he deserves to know the truth. well we; can e_mail me each other would that be ok let me no; teressa0397 Link to post Share on other sites
teressa0397 Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 Originally posted by Owl Hmmm...well, we've all of us here been in one aspect or another of your current situation. Either as wayward spouse, betrayed spouse, or other person. If you don't want to hear or accept the advice of those of us who have been through your situation, fine. If you are really just looking for someone to share your grief with, with no desire to get out of the situation, I'd recommend you post on the OM/OW board. I'd think that a lot of the posters there may feel more sympathetic toward you and your situation. While I'm not quite as angry as some about things, I do feel that its a sad shame if you're not looking to do something about your problem. yes that would be a mistakes to tell my husband it would hurt him tear his world up; its best for him not to no; i have decided end the affair iam going to try my best at it i believe if i keep busy do some kind of hobby that will help me to do better and not think about him i got to start somewhere so why not here; i no i will get over him its going to take will power i got to set it in my mind i can do it; my lover has all ready prove to me he dont care if he did why dont he come and get me theres a lot here that i see every day so iam going to tell my self that; its over and moveing on no there wont be no one else i have learn my leason very well ; people dont understand and never will unless they are an your shoes; thanks for listen; Link to post Share on other sites
sadhubby Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 you are being USED!!!!!! like cheap trash he even has a girlfreind .i think you should tell evryone his girlfreind your husband and when the crap hits the fan and the dust settles see whos left ...??i know sounds harsh but so is that lifestyle your living.. Link to post Share on other sites
teressa0397 Posted November 29, 2004 Share Posted November 29, 2004 i can't do tha ;t ; i got to do it my way i got to let go of him and move on; why should i tell his live an girlfriend? i dont want her hurt because of us; she dont need to no; no iam not going to tell my husband it would be the same for him; and if i did tell both party's you are right i would be the one hanging i no that; thank's for your advise; teressa0397 Link to post Share on other sites
Miffy Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Hi Teresa I hope your life is a bit more organised!!! After a lot of soul searching I realised that an affair was not what i wanted, it was just a big ego boost with too much to lose. I have not told my husband but I have changed my phone, started going to a gym and started to feel a lot happier. I Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Affairs can sometimes be a product of unmet emotional needs. If the OM is fulfilling your important emotional needs that your H has not for a while, then it is no surprise that you find it extremely hard to end all contact with the OM. If your H knew why you had your affair, there is a good chance that he may step up to the plate and start doing so after you end your affair. Please read Dr Willard Harley Jr's books 'Surviving An Affair' , 'His Needs, Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'. I really beleive that you would benefit enormously from them and you will be able to better understand why you had your affair and what you can do to end it and rebuild your marriage. TMCM Link to post Share on other sites
teressa0397 Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Originally posted by TMCM Affairs can sometimes be a product of unmet emotional needs. If the OM is fulfilling your important emotional needs that your H has not for a while, then it is no surprise that you find it extremely hard to end all contact with the OM. If your H knew why you had your affair, there is a good chance that he may step up to the plate and start doing so after you end your affair. Please read Dr Willard Harley Jr's books 'Surviving An Affair' , 'His Needs, Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'. I really beleive that you would benefit enormously from them and you will be able to better understand why you had your affair and what you can do to end it and rebuild your marriage. TMCM MY FRIEND I DID END MY AFFAIR I DECIDED I CAN"T GO ON LIKE THIS ANYMORE; I HAVEN"T TOLD MY HUSBAND I THINK THAT WOULD BE A BAD MISTAKE BUT IAM WORKING ON OUR RELATIONSHIP: THIS WEEKEND WE TOOK A TRIP TOGETHER FOR A COUPLE OF DAY"S SO IAM TRYING; IT IS HARD FOR ME BECAUSE I FELL IN LOVE WITH MY LOVER DEEPLY BUT I WILL MOVE ON HOPELY; THANK"S HAPPY NEW TO YOU MY FRIEND Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 I'd still like to recommend counseling...even if just for yourself. I'm of the opinion that you should tell your husband the truth, because this marriage is his too, and it should be up to HIM as well as you to decide if there is enough left to salvage after the affair. Couples counseling would probably work wonders to save your marriage, but only once the truth came out about your affair. Individual counseling might help you figure out what your marriage was lacking that you sought in the affair, but again, you'd have to tell your counselor at least. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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