Broken hearted girl; D-day

[Shabelle]

Moe,

 

You deserve so much more than this man offers you. And, once you get free of him you will see his highly manipulative and destructive behavior. Men who manipulate women tell them they're crazy, do things deliberately to make them feel insecure (like talking to other woman and keeping naughty pictures on their phone) and be deliberately noncomittal.

 

This guy is a bad man. I don't know him and I am perhaps being judgmental. However, at this point, there is not a single thing that I could ever think positively about this man given your stated comments about how he treats you.

 

Conversely, I think you are not so messed up. I think you are a little desperate for love, but aren't we all? I also think you are so infatuated with him and the thrill of the chase that you have fixated on this man. Everything that tells you he's not good for you, you logically understand but emotionally suppress it. Everything that says, "he's just right," you have amplified. Now, you're focused on getting that one man and if he would just treat you right, you would be happy.

 

From an older, wiser lady please let me offer you these relationship tips you came on here for:

 

1) Love yourself first. That means clearly put yourself first in this relationship. Not him. Not the relationship. You and your needs.

2) Feel free to walk away. Trust me, everyone lives to love again. But, you have to be strong enough and love yourself enough to never, ever allow someone who treats you badly to stay in your life.

3) Provide for yourself and let someone compliment you. That means that only you can make you happy. Believe it or not, a man in your life doesn't make you happy. Feeling confident, strong, having good supportive friends, laughing a little at work and being able to look at that lady in the mirror and tell her that she's pretty darned fantastic makes you happy.

4) Set boundaries. I tell my husband that I love him unconditionally - with conditions. It's true. We negotiated terms of endearment. We must treat each other well. We don't take advantage of each other. We don't tell lies and I can guarantee you that from the first date, we never dated another person. If we were getting to know each other, that's where our heads were. To this day, we have boundaries. They are not the "check in before you go somewhere" or "you forgot to do this" type of things. They are: be kind, be good and be happy. Break one of those - and we both do it every once in awhile - and there's a southern brawl down here.

 

Now, advice for when you go out and look for that new guy. First, wait until you truly are happy inside. Don't ever look for someone else to fulfill you. But when you're there, think of these things:

 

1) Does he call and ask me appropriately for a date with enough time in advance? This tells you that he values you and he wants to get himself on your calendar. He's also trying to minimize the chance you will say no by having the date far enough out there - asking Tuesday for the weekend - so that he gets to you before anyone else does. It also means he sees you as busy, productive and vital. A woman with a life on her own. He will respect and admire that. (And if you do have plans, don't change them for him. He'll wait. I promise.)

 

2) Does he show you courtesy? My husband still opens the door for me every single time. My mother just loves it when he does it for her! Now, a lot of guys don't do this. But, does he have the expectation that he will pay? (As you date more frequently, you will begin splitting the costs, but in the beginning, he should have the expectation - even if he accepts your offer to contribute - that he's paying.) Does he arrive on time? Call when he says he will? Is he polite around you? Uses manners mom taught him?

 

3) Does he have a good circle of friends that you could like? Good, likeable people have good friends. Even the shy ones. Do you all have things in common. Can you relax around them? Do you feel accepted and can you accept them?

 

4) Does he have a sense of humor and can he make you laugh? There is intrinsic chemistry in laughing with someone.

 

5) Can you trust him? Without a doubt? My husband's two best friends are women. I love those ladies and he will sometimes go out with them for a drink after work. I have never had the slightest doubt that there is a thing going on. I'm invited to go, of course, and sometimes I do. But without a doubt, I trust him to be there with these two gorgeous women. No worries.

 

6) Does he do something that shows you he puts you first? When we first dated, I had a fairly serious cancer scare. I didn't want to tell anyone but I needed someone to drive me home from surgery. I asked my husband (then a new guy I was dating) if he would simply take me and pick me up. I'd buy gas, etc. I know that it meant a day off work for him. He took two days off. Stayed with me pre and post surgery and literally dropped everything for me. It wasn't a good time for him at work, but he knew I needed him more.

 

7) Do you wanna see him naked? I put this at the end because I wanted to focus you on how to look for the right guy. But in the end, you have to want to see the guy naked. Chemistry is fundamental. If you don't have it, you will end up just as unhappy as you are now.

 

I offer all of this because you sound young, lost and genuinely eager for real love and all of its wonderful gifts. I was you. I never got married until I was an old maid and then some. I kept wondering what the elusive key was. Then, I got smart about who I would even consider dating. He was guy #1 of the date smarter plan. It's amazing how well it came together.

 

My best to you. Hugs and hugs.

 

 

Wow!!!!!

It feels like you're talking to me to thank you

[Moemone]

Moe,

 

You deserve so much more than this man offers you. And, once you get free of him you will see his highly manipulative and destructive behavior. Men who manipulate women tell them they're crazy, do things deliberately to make them feel insecure (like talking to other woman and keeping naughty pictures on their phone) and be deliberately noncomittal.

 

This guy is a bad man. I don't know him and I am perhaps being judgmental. However, at this point, there is not a single thing that I could ever think positively about this man given your stated comments about how he treats you.

 

Conversely, I think you are not so messed up. I think you are a little desperate for love, but aren't we all? I also think you are so infatuated with him and the thrill of the chase that you have fixated on this man. Everything that tells you he's not good for you, you logically understand but emotionally suppress it. Everything that says, "he's just right," you have amplified. Now, you're focused on getting that one man and if he would just treat you right, you would be happy.

 

From an older, wiser lady please let me offer you these relationship tips you came on here for:

 

1) Love yourself first. That means clearly put yourself first in this relationship. Not him. Not the relationship. You and your needs.

2) Feel free to walk away. Trust me, everyone lives to love again. But, you have to be strong enough and love yourself enough to never, ever allow someone who treats you badly to stay in your life.

3) Provide for yourself and let someone compliment you. That means that only you can make you happy. Believe it or not, a man in your life doesn't make you happy. Feeling confident, strong, having good supportive friends, laughing a little at work and being able to look at that lady in the mirror and tell her that she's pretty darned fantastic makes you happy.

4) Set boundaries. I tell my husband that I love him unconditionally - with conditions. It's true. We negotiated terms of endearment. We must treat each other well. We don't take advantage of each other. We don't tell lies and I can guarantee you that from the first date, we never dated another person. If we were getting to know each other, that's where our heads were. To this day, we have boundaries. They are not the "check in before you go somewhere" or "you forgot to do this" type of things. They are: be kind, be good and be happy. Break one of those - and we both do it every once in awhile - and there's a southern brawl down here.

 

Now, advice for when you go out and look for that new guy. First, wait until you truly are happy inside. Don't ever look for someone else to fulfill you. But when you're there, think of these things:

 

1) Does he call and ask me appropriately for a date with enough time in advance? This tells you that he values you and he wants to get himself on your calendar. He's also trying to minimize the chance you will say no by having the date far enough out there - asking Tuesday for the weekend - so that he gets to you before anyone else does. It also means he sees you as busy, productive and vital. A woman with a life on her own. He will respect and admire that. (And if you do have plans, don't change them for him. He'll wait. I promise.)

 

2) Does he show you courtesy? My husband still opens the door for me every single time. My mother just loves it when he does it for her! Now, a lot of guys don't do this. But, does he have the expectation that he will pay? (As you date more frequently, you will begin splitting the costs, but in the beginning, he should have the expectation - even if he accepts your offer to contribute - that he's paying.) Does he arrive on time? Call when he says he will? Is he polite around you? Uses manners mom taught him?

 

3) Does he have a good circle of friends that you could like? Good, likeable people have good friends. Even the shy ones. Do you all have things in common. Can you relax around them? Do you feel accepted and can you accept them?

 

4) Does he have a sense of humor and can he make you laugh? There is intrinsic chemistry in laughing with someone.

 

5) Can you trust him? Without a doubt? My husband's two best friends are women. I love those ladies and he will sometimes go out with them for a drink after work. I have never had the slightest doubt that there is a thing going on. I'm invited to go, of course, and sometimes I do. But without a doubt, I trust him to be there with these two gorgeous women. No worries.

 

6) Does he do something that shows you he puts you first? When we first dated, I had a fairly serious cancer scare. I didn't want to tell anyone but I needed someone to drive me home from surgery. I asked my husband (then a new guy I was dating) if he would simply take me and pick me up. I'd buy gas, etc. I know that it meant a day off work for him. He took two days off. Stayed with me pre and post surgery and literally dropped everything for me. It wasn't a good time for him at work, but he knew I needed him more.

 

7) Do you wanna see him naked? I put this at the end because I wanted to focus you on how to look for the right guy. But in the end, you have to want to see the guy naked. Chemistry is fundamental. If you don't have it, you will end up just as unhappy as you are now.

 

I offer all of this because you sound young, lost and genuinely eager for real love and all of its wonderful gifts. I was you. I never got married until I was an old maid and then some. I kept wondering what the elusive key was. Then, I got smart about who I would even consider dating. He was guy #1 of the date smarter plan. It's amazing how well it came together.

 

My best to you. Hugs and hugs.

 

 

As I seat here reading your reply, I went into deep thoughts and I mean really really deep thoughts, so deep that I almost I cried, and it feels like you have been or you were right here when this guy did this to me, the begining of your reply is my exact situation.

 

Thank you oh so much for taking the time to reply please know that I will be reading it over and over for a long time. I am right now reminding my self that i deserve more, I can do better.

 

Im lost words and I am happy that you understand my situation. this is exactly how I feel.

 

Thank you again for your advice you couldnt have said it better. Internally I have decided that ending the relationship would reward me theres no gain. Today I ask my self "what am i gaining?" The answer was absoloutely nothing. No Love, No attention, its a long list, to make it worst he calls OWS Omg!!!!!

[Moemone]

Georgia Girl

 

Tonight You gave me a reality check you sound like a parent or maybe a Therapist, I actually started believeing I loosing it.

 

right this mins i realize that my "crazy" ways or whatever was all because of his action...

 

I have decided to move on and I know now that if I look at the brighter sides in regards to "what are my benefits?" which is nothing I will be able to move on and heal quicker...

[skywriter]

Moe,

 

It"ll be difficult at first , but, surround yourself with those that love you, keep busy, and delete his phone number, as well as any other possible triggers to keep your mind on him.

 

Be patient and let time do it's work.

 

You're going to be just fine and a quite wise for 23 years old.

 

Peace....

[skywriter]

Moe,

 

You deserve so much more than this man offers you. And, once you get free of him you will see his highly manipulative and destructive behavior. Men who manipulate women tell them they're crazy, do things deliberately to make them feel insecure (like talking to other woman and keeping naughty pictures on their phone) and be deliberately noncomittal.

 

This guy is a bad man. I don't know him and I am perhaps being judgmental. However, at this point, there is not a single thing that I could ever think positively about this man given your stated comments about how he treats you.

 

Conversely, I think you are not so messed up. I think you are a little desperate for love, but aren't we all? I also think you are so infatuated with him and the thrill of the chase that you have fixated on this man. Everything that tells you he's not good for you, you logically understand but emotionally suppress it. Everything that says, "he's just right," you have amplified. Now, you're focused on getting that one man and if he would just treat you right, you would be happy.

 

From an older, wiser lady please let me offer you these relationship tips you came on here for:

 

1) Love yourself first. That means clearly put yourself first in this relationship. Not him. Not the relationship. You and your needs.

2) Feel free to walk away. Trust me, everyone lives to love again. But, you have to be strong enough and love yourself enough to never, ever allow someone who treats you badly to stay in your life.

3) Provide for yourself and let someone compliment you. That means that only you can make you happy. Believe it or not, a man in your life doesn't make you happy. Feeling confident, strong, having good supportive friends, laughing a little at work and being able to look at that lady in the mirror and tell her that she's pretty darned fantastic makes you happy.

4) Set boundaries. I tell my husband that I love him unconditionally - with conditions. It's true. We negotiated terms of endearment. We must treat each other well. We don't take advantage of each other. We don't tell lies and I can guarantee you that from the first date, we never dated another person. If we were getting to know each other, that's where our heads were. To this day, we have boundaries. They are not the "check in before you go somewhere" or "you forgot to do this" type of things. They are: be kind, be good and be happy. Break one of those - and we both do it every once in awhile - and there's a southern brawl down here.

 

Now, advice for when you go out and look for that new guy. First, wait until you truly are happy inside. Don't ever look for someone else to fulfill you. But when you're there, think of these things:

 

1) Does he call and ask me appropriately for a date with enough time in advance? This tells you that he values you and he wants to get himself on your calendar. He's also trying to minimize the chance you will say no by having the date far enough out there - asking Tuesday for the weekend - so that he gets to you before anyone else does. It also means he sees you as busy, productive and vital. A woman with a life on her own. He will respect and admire that. (And if you do have plans, don't change them for him. He'll wait. I promise.)

 

2) Does he show you courtesy? My husband still opens the door for me every single time. My mother just loves it when he does it for her! Now, a lot of guys don't do this. But, does he have the expectation that he will pay? (As you date more frequently, you will begin splitting the costs, but in the beginning, he should have the expectation - even if he accepts your offer to contribute - that he's paying.) Does he arrive on time? Call when he says he will? Is he polite around you? Uses manners mom taught him?

 

3) Does he have a good circle of friends that you could like? Good, likeable people have good friends. Even the shy ones. Do you all have things in common. Can you relax around them? Do you feel accepted and can you accept them?

 

4) Does he have a sense of humor and can he make you laugh? There is intrinsic chemistry in laughing with someone.

 

5) Can you trust him? Without a doubt? My husband's two best friends are women. I love those ladies and he will sometimes go out with them for a drink after work. I have never had the slightest doubt that there is a thing going on. I'm invited to go, of course, and sometimes I do. But without a doubt, I trust him to be there with these two gorgeous women. No worries.

 

6) Does he do something that shows you he puts you first? When we first dated, I had a fairly serious cancer scare. I didn't want to tell anyone but I needed someone to drive me home from surgery. I asked my husband (then a new guy I was dating) if he would simply take me and pick me up. I'd buy gas, etc. I know that it meant a day off work for him. He took two days off. Stayed with me pre and post surgery and literally dropped everything for me. It wasn't a good time for him at work, but he knew I needed him more.

 

7) Do you wanna see him naked? I put this at the end because I wanted to focus you on how to look for the right guy. But in the end, you have to want to see the guy naked. Chemistry is fundamental. If you don't have it, you will end up just as unhappy as you are now.

 

I offer all of this because you sound young, lost and genuinely eager for real love and all of its wonderful gifts. I was you. I never got married until I was an old maid and then some. I kept wondering what the elusive key was. Then, I got smart about who I would even consider dating. He was guy #1 of the date smarter plan. It's amazing how well it came together.

 

My best to you. Hugs and hugs.

 

georgia girl!

 

Such a beautiful post, I wanna hug you for it!

[georgia girl]

Shabelle and Moe,

 

Choosing yourself is hard but empowering. Once you make this choice, there will be immediate pain. It will hurt. But you will heal so much more quickly. And you will have the foresight and the confidence to choose the right man next time. So much happiness awaits there. It's a little self-denial now, but so much good is out there for you.

 

Thanks for your kind comments (and Skywriter's). I am pulling for you.

[Moemone]

SIGH!!!!

 

The replies!

The Truth!

The pain its causing me right now all because it it is the truth. I allowed alot when i could have simply walk away from all the pain this has caused me. The memories: I told him how his actions hurt and all he said is that you are huting you. Hmm.

 

Thanks for taking the time out to reply. I feel awful. Looking back I now see how i could have just walked away instead of hurting my self more.

 

He only offers compny and anyone can offer that it is replceable.

 

sigh! Tears

 

ashamed to say we are currently speaking on some what good terms and all i think about is the times he hurt me, he never said sorry. My has mentally and emotionally been made ijust have to act, i already know what i deserve.

 

Right now my thoughts are all about me, I wont stay in this mess any longer. I wanna know what real love is, a real relationship, real struggles and fight. taking pics doing fun things which ive been craving. I am too young for this

 

sigh!!!

[Moemone]

Shabelle and Moe,

 

Choosing yourself is hard but empowering. Once you make this choice, there will be immediate pain. It will hurt. But you will heal so much more quickly. And you will have the foresight and the confidence to choose the right man next time. So much happiness awaits there. It's a little self-denial now, but so much good is out there for you.

 

Thanks for your kind comments (and Skywriter's). I am pulling for you.

 

Thank You!

Excuse my typo, Thats what happen when one types and cries i suppose.

 

Ill be on here often reading all the comments over and over again. It takes me into deep thought and helps me confront my self.

[LovelyLife]

In our past. But it's what we do in the future that matters. It's the choices we make going forward that matter.

 

This guy is a mistake.

 

Acknowledge it, bless it, and move on . . . to you.

 

What's the relationship like with you? Have you ever been single as an adult for a year or two?

 

It's not about finding the next guy who is LESS abusive than the last -

 

 

It's about finding you. You've been through a lot in your 23 years - but you will keep making the same choices over and over and over again unless you get still within yourself and see you for who you are. There's probably an amazing and confident woman in there - she just needs to get out into the world.

 

And when she does - the bull**** con men? They won't even dare cross her path.

[Moemone]

Thank you, I appreciate the time ypu took to reply

[Wellington]

Moe,

 

Some people (I won't say men-because it's not generalized) are MASTERS at manipulation. If you look up "narcissist" or "sociopaths" you will probably find ALOT of traits in your man similar to what is described. It may give you some insight/help you understand the mentality of this particular personality.

 

I know it hurts. You're also young, and finding someone who gives you what you NEED to feel secure is wonderful, but don't you think you deserve to feel that f/t?! If he's not married, there is NO need for him to constantly be on his phone talking with other women. THAT is so disrespectful and you deserve better. You are a mere notch on his bedpost. A stroke to his ego because you are so much younger than he is.

 

Please, do yourself the courtesy of ditching this egomaniacle jerk. The feelings will fade. Trust me....they REALLY do go away. Date someone who can give you his full attention. Treat you the way you deserve to be treated!!

 

NUKE the bridge baby!! He's a loser!! You can do WAY better. Trust me.....I KNOW!!

[Moemone]

I THANK EVERYONE

 

I do feel a lil comfortable on here and its a wonderful feeling to know that im not crazy and that there are older people on here who understands.

 

I keep saying to my self that if only this guy wasnt rubbing it in my face if only he would respect me....but I've tried and I've faught for a change but....

 

I looked it up and yes he has a few traits. EG. I HAVE A RIGHT TO PRIVACY.

 

I believe in Karma so I say "what goes around comes around". We never understand how someone is feeling until someone we love and care about puts us in the same position.

 

:(:(:(:(:(

Edited April 28, 2013 by Moemone

[Moemone]

I am already in pain, these things hurt. This is gonna be my first and last, i have to remember the pain it caused me for the rest of my life.

 

Moe,

 

It"ll be difficult at first , but, surround yourself with those that love you, keep busy, and delete his phone number, as well as any other possible triggers to keep your mind on him.

 

Be patient and let time do it's work.

 

You're going to be just fine and a quite wise for 23 years old.

 

Peace....

[skywriter]

I am already in pain, these things hurt. This is gonna be my first and last, i have to remember the pain it caused me for the rest of my life.

 

 

I believe that you are in pain Moe, and I am so sorry for your pain, but if you can just hold on and get through the pain, it will subside eventually.

 

Believe you me, I am ashamed to admit that at forty two years of age I began an A with a married thrity five year old. I aint proud of it and it lasted for nearly six years.

 

So I'm with ya on the subject of pain. I'm not making light of your pain Moe, just know there are some people here that truly understand your plight.

 

I'm just hoping you'll be able to tell us all here that you got through this and met some much deserving young man and you are happier than you've ever been.

 

It can happen,I didn't believe it could, until it happened for myself. I'm forty-nine now and have a relationship with a single man ,that loves me very much.

 

No my darling, you aren't crazy, you're hurting, and you can stop all that hurting. ((( Big Hugs)))

[Moemone]

Skywriter

 

you made me smile. I love love shack, Ive learned Alot from other peoples stories I get strength here. Thanks for sharing with me.

 

Right now he is coming a lil harder because he realizes that I'm not as weak anymore. I look forward to finding my self, spending time and taking care of me, deep inside this is what my soul is asking for.

 

Thanks everyone for the support and strength. Means alot to me.

 

I believe that you are in pain Moe, and I am so sorry for your pain, but if you can just hold on and get through the pain, it will subside eventually.

 

Believe you me, I am ashamed to admit that at forty two years of age I began an A with a married thrity five year old. I aint proud of it and it lasted for nearly six years.

 

So I'm with ya on the subject of pain. I'm not making light of your pain Moe, just know there are some people here that truly understand your plight.

 

I'm just hoping you'll be able to tell us all here that you got through this and met some much deserving young man and you are happier than you've ever been.

 

It can happen,I didn't believe it could, until it happened for myself. I'm forty-nine now and have a relationship with a single man ,that loves me very much.

 

No my darling, you aren't crazy, you're hurting, and you can stop all that hurting. ((( Big Hugs)))

[Moemone]

Still here reading everyones posts for strength....im happy that this happened to me right now so i know how painful it is, that way i wont make a mistake for settling for less in the future. Whhether we like it or not it is selling ourselves shot.

 

Glad to say i have learned sad to say i am not over it. Would love to how ever be free of it all like it never happened and really let go.

 

I feel that i am capable of going back to him. Scared!!

[Moemone]

Finally left

[skywriter]

So.....how are you since you left?

[Moemone]

Not good, crying, cant seem to understand my self as yet

[skywriter]

I did too, for I guess the first three months of NC. I just went to the gym often and took long walks, talked on my cell to friends sometimes while I walked.

 

Just trying to get that energy out in a positive way to keep NC.

 

Those things were beneficial to processing those emotions.

 

In the end, I have no regrets leaving that part of my life in the rearview mirror.

[Moemone]

As I seat here and read other peoples situation Im like WOW!!!

 

Affair are affair and they are not healthy and its not a healthy way to start a relationship, if I knew of LS 2 years ago I would think twice before....

 

I get strength here alot of strength... I feel like LS and other peoples post are preparing me for whats to come although it doesnt mean it will hurt less but I believe its better to be prepared for the storm than to get it unexpectedly.

 

I have been preparing, I now know a week or two of NC wont heal and I always felt like id prefer healing in one day. Now i know thats not possible.

 

I am glad that this happened while I am 23 with high hopes that i remember this pain so I dont make the same mistake twice.

 

I will be on here often reading and posting.

 

Thanks for checking on me. Love LS and the people on it.

[skywriter]

Oh yes Moe, please do check in with us. I think of you like my baby girl. When I read your post I thought, man, this could be my baby.

 

It made me feel sad and want to protect you from users.

 

you've got something to offer to others now, first hand experience.

 

All you have to do is be real and share your situation and somebody along the way will need to hear it and appreciate you sharing it. Maybe some day you will be reading and some post will prompt you to reply.

[Moemone]

thank you for being there for me