Ex Called Me Last Night - Wants Me Back

[Waz]

It's more of an "are you still there because I might want you back someday" situation I am realizing.

 

I think it's not really like that. It's more like "are you still there because i might want you if i can't find someone else", or she wants validation or something else. But not reconciliation. Gut feeling is always right mate, do not underestimate it

 

I saw your threads, the breakup is recent. You know you still have feelings. "No way" from me, as i said it's too soon for you to think clearly. Same things will happen and you will be once again in pain. She doesn't really want you back - at least for now. She is just missing you, so after that it's more likely she will leave you again.

[Compromize]

So I see this thread got moved to second chances, thought it might. It's not really a second chance. It's only a second chance if you both actually say "let's do this together and have the same goal and work on it together" right? This isn't a second chance. Maybe it never will be. Hurting again tonight, feels like the old hurt.

 

You know you still have feelings. "No way" from me, as i said it's too soon for you to think clearly. Same things will happen and you will be once again in pain. She doesn't really want you back - at least for now. She is just missing you, so after that it's more likely she will leave you again.

 

Yeah bro, I feel this. And just when the pain starts to slowly subside again..... she will call: "Good news! I'm finally ready to try again! But in the meantime I have been dating just to make sure that you are who I really wanted..."

 

Fu@k me.

[misswillow]

I totally know how you are feeling right now. I also feel like my ex must have needed to find out if he could still have me, and when he realized he could, he didn't want me anymore. I don't even think it was a conscious action on his part, but that's still what seems to have happened. In one week it went from "you have no idea how much I love you" and "I think about you 24/7 and I miss you so much I feel like someone punched me in the stomach" to complete silence.

 

The only shred of dignity I can hold onto is when he told me he'd call me right back, and he didn't, he has heard not another word from me. And it's been over a week. So I have to think that may have him wondering how much I really did want him back after all. And if he ever does reach out, there will be no response from me. It's probably immature, but I feel like I wish I could have the chance to reject him now.

 

So my advice is to go silent. It's really the only way to regain some strength. This woman really has to feel that she may not be able to have you, and you really have to start wondering if this is what you want for your life. It's unlikely this pattern of ups and downs, on again - off again, will ever change. It's a horrible, heart-wrenching thing to go through because you know you both love each other, and it's so hard to comprehend that there's not some way to make it work. But it seems some times it just doesn't work, despite all the love. I truly believe my ex does love me (or else he is an Oscar-worthy actor), and your ex loves you, but for some reason there is something that is stopping them from fully committing. I may never know what it is with my ex, and he may not even know. So all I can do is tell myself that I have to get off this emotional roller coaster and find peace. And I cannot have peace with him, unfortunately.

[Compromize]

misswillow, I think the same thing will happen to me. She will just disappear again like she has before. I am going silent again, like I have before.

 

I also believe her way of going about wanting me back and getting me back differs vastly from mine in that she is very much a go dark and process person where as I am a talk it out and work through it together person. We talked about this when we talked on Monday and discussed that if we do get back together we need to sit down and REALLY talk about the issues we had and how we can resolve them as adults, knowing that we deal with things on a fundamentally different level.

 

It very well be that she truly does want us back but her way is to deal with what she has to deal with and come back when she feels she is ready, which leavesme wondering why the hell she called me. Just missed me and got her miss me fix by getting me to tell her I miss her too? I don't know. I will continue to wonder and not contact her. It's hard, I want to contact her and find out what the hell she is thinking and where exactly do I fit in this. But I won't, I know better, I am certain I wouldn't get a reply.

 

Just extremely confused right now, trying not to reach out to her and let her come to me, if she actually really does. Not sure why someone would call you and tell you they want you back but not actually start communicating after that. I'm just not built that way.

Edited April 24, 2013 by Compromize

[misswillow]

We talked about this when we talked on Monday and discussed that if we do get back together we need to sit down and REALLY talk about the issues we had and how we can resolve them as adults, knowing that we deal with things on a fundamentally different level.

 

 

Wow, I had basically this same exact discussion with my ex!! I told him that I had to believe that he would actually talk to me about issues he felt we had so that we could work on them together, instead of just walking away as he always has before. And he agreed that he needed to do that, and would do that. And then what does he do...walk away without a word. Although I do believe people deal with things differently, as our exes apparently do, they have to make some compromise to try and communicate or else how is it ever going to work? Nobody is a mind reader, and how can you ever know what the other person is thinking if they won't tell you? And how can you ever feel secure that they won't just wake up one day and walk out since that seems to be their way of dealing with issues, rather than facing them. Ugh, it's so frustrating.

[barky2]

misswillow, I think the same thing will happen to me. She will just disappear again like she has before. I am going silent again, like I have before.

 

I also believe her way of going about wanting me back and getting me back differs vastly from mine in that she is very much a go dark and process person where as I am a talk it out and work through it together person. We talked about this when we talked on Monday and discussed that if we do get back together we need to sit down and REALLY talk about the issues we had and how we can resolve them as adults, knowing that we deal with things on a fundamentally different level.

 

It very well be that she truly does want us back but her way is to deal with what she has to deal with and come back when she feels she is ready, which leavesme wondering why the hell she called me. Just missed me and got her miss me fix by getting me to tell her I miss her too? I don't know. I will continue to wonder and not contact her. It's hard, I want to contact her and find out what the hell she is thinking and where exactly do I fit in this. But I won't, I know better, I am certain I wouldn't get a reply.

 

Just extremely confused right now, trying not to reach out to her and let her come to me, if she actually really does. Not sure why someone would call you and tell you they want you back but not actually start communicating after that. I'm just not built that way.

 

 

I've been exactly where you are in not knowing,mixed signals ect.

 

Your going to drive yourself nuts bro.

 

Is she doing the same? Doubt it.

 

You need to find something else to think about when she pops in your head.

 

Sounds stupid but that's what I did.

 

Its not easy....I know it first hand. Especially NC. Longest mine was ,was like a month.

 

Id crack,wed meet up, **** like rabbits, but then shed still have to much hurt that we couldn't get back together..that lasted 7 months till I was fed up going back to square one.

 

If I would have just stayed nc we woulda got back sooner ( her words during actual reconciliation talk/agreement.)

 

People say go NC for a reason.

 

They like me have been there.

 

Let her chase you.

 

She will.

 

But do NOT sit around waiting, because in the mean time you might miss out on the girl your suppose to be with,or an opportunity you've been waiting for.

[Compromize]

Thankyou barky2 and misswillow, I wish I did not possess such an obsessive mind. Still addicted to her like a junkie. It sucks to be back at what feels like square one but it's my own fault for allowing myself to be this way.

 

A few hours before my ex called me I bought that book Getting Over Your Breakup. Going to start reading it tonight. Also going to take your advice barky2. Every time I want to contact her I am going to contact someone else. I weened myself from her mostly already, I can do it a second time.

 

Thanks again everyone. File this under second chance ? Doubtful at best.....

[barky2]

Thankyou barky2 and misswillow, I wish I did not possess such an obsessive mind. Still addicted to her like a junkie. It sucks to be back at what feels like square one but it's my own fault for allowing myself to be this way.

 

A few hours before my ex called me I bought that book Getting Over Your Breakup. Going to start reading it tonight. Also going to take your advice barky2. Every time I want to contact her I am going to contact someone else. I weened myself from her mostly already, I can do it a second time.

 

Thanks again everyone. File this under second chance ? Doubtful at best.....

 

Nothings over until your dead.

 

Its over for now.

 

Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

 

But I bet ull be happy very soon.

 

Keep drudging on...I know it blows.

 

Once again I promise you, you will be happy.

[Compromize]

Thanks barky2. I hope someday I am as happy as I was with her when we were together and things were good. I was truly happy for the first time in my life. I have had some situations arise that made me realize how precious our time on this earth is and spending it with the people that we truly want to spend it with. I could die tomorrow, waiting. I cannot understand how someone can even say they want you back without being at a point of putting in the work to make it happen? I mean what's the point? why even say it at all? If someone was truly serious about getting back together wouldn't they make it happen? I know I would and I have in the past.

[barky2]

D

Thanks barky2. I hope someday I am as happy as I was with her when we were together and things were good. I was truly happy for the first time in my life. I have had some situations arise that made me realize how precious our time on this earth is and spending it with the people that we truly want to spend it with. I could die tomorrow, waiting. I cannot understand how someone can even say they want you back without being at a point of putting in the work to make it happen? I mean what's the point? why even say it at all? If someone was truly serious about getting back together wouldn't they make it happen? I know I would and I have in the past.

 

 

You will be happier.

 

This is not the end of the road.

 

And your exactly right, if and WHEN they want to be with you they will move mountains.

 

I was the dumper...and I did everything in my power.

 

Then the role was flipped ( same relationship) I was the dumpee..it was her turn to move mountains.

 

Even though I was the dumpee I was still doing the chasing.

 

I woke up.

 

It was her turn.

 

She did move mountains to get me back.

 

But it wasn't before I had let go and moved on and gave up all hope .

 

That's my point.

 

Say fk it.

 

Let go, live like she's not coming back.

 

The more you pine the less it'll happen.

 

You'll be fine bro.

 

You'll love someone just as much if not more.

 

Leave it up to god.

 

Let go. Ull be fine I promise.

 

And the whole spending the time on earth with the ones you love. I'm from and live in Boston, I know exactly what you mean BC when the marathon bomb went off....that's the first thing that popped in my head.

I can relate.

 

Let go. You'll be just fine...either way...you'll see

[Compromize]

Thanks again for kind and motivational words brother. You are right, if she really wanted it she would move mountains. It's been just a shovel full at this point and then nothing else. I am not putting my life on hold or holding out hope. That doesn't mean I'm looking for another, just means focusing on myself only and being a better person and partner that will translate over into the next meaningful relationship I enter, whether it's with her or not.

 

The call from her was not a breadcrumb, it was like a freaking cake, but the plastic display kind that look really good but of course you can't eat it. Just going to be the best me I can be, break this addiction I have to her and move forward. If I hear from her in the future again, great. If not, I will be ok. I think I am going to take a break from LS on my own behalf for a little while and put some real effort into healing. Thanks again everyone for the great advice

[barky2]

Thanks again for kind and motivational words brother. You are right, if she really wanted it she would move mountains. It's been just a shovel full at this point and then nothing else. I am not putting my life on hold or holding out hope. That doesn't mean I'm looking for another, just means focusing on myself only and being a better person and partner that will translate over into the next meaningful relationship I enter, whether it's with her or not.

 

The call from her was not a breadcrumb, it was like a freaking cake, but the plastic display kind that look really good but of course you can't eat it. Just going to be the best me I can be, break this addiction I have to her and move forward. If I hear from her in the future again, great. If not, I will be ok. I think I am going to take a break from LS on my own behalf for a little while and put some real effort into healing. Thanks again everyone for the great advice

 

All BS aside your on the right track.

 

I know all about that plastic cover.

 

Don't eat it until its on its knees begging for you.

 

Check in at a later point and give us an update.

 

Proud of u man.

 

Take care.

[Compromize]

Well I guess a few days is a break from LS My support group IRL sucks so I am glad for LS.

 

Update - Broke NC today. Not sure what did it, just had a "tell her how you feel even if she doesn't respond or reciprocate at least you got it out and can live with no regrets" moment.

 

I told her how I feel, how what we had together was special and I cherished it and how if I didn't ever hear from her again I wanted her to know that I was happy being with her and every moment we spent together is part of me and I will always love her. Ended it with if she truly feels the same way about me that I feel about her then I know I will hear from her again. Double implication for me because if I don't hear from her again I know that I loved more than I should have and can move forward knowing that with no regrets that she wasn't the one for me that I thought she was.

 

I feel like I should have called instead of just texted but I probably should have done neither I know. But I am not going to be devastated by her not responding, I pretty much know she won't respond. Today and tomorrow I will be checking my phone more than usual for a reply but that will pass again as it always does. Getting used to this and it's less painful then it was months ago.

 

On the flip side, I went out with some friends last night, all women but just friends, and had fun and they even got me to dance, which I don't usually do but I enjoyed myself and it was liberating. I know I am an attractive guy and that's probably the main reason why these women asked me to go but all I am interested in is friendship and I think one of these woman is interested in me as more. Kind of awkward for me. All of them know I am still getting over my ex and am not ready for a relationship and I don't have casual sex so I guess I will have to be more direct in the no thank you's? I don't think I will be hanging out with them again, too much for me at the moment, lol.

Edited April 28, 2013 by Compromize

[Compromize]

I really need to put in check these impulses. I am now (big surprise ) regretting texting her. I gave away something I should have kept for myself. There will be no reciprocation from her and I should be focusing on myself and I am focusing on her.

 

I know healing and moving on is a journey not just a destination. I just happened to pull off the road for a while. Time to start the odometer at 0 again. I need to learn to live and act like she is not coming back because I don't really think she is. I wish she would have saved the phone call until she was truly ready and willing to work on getting me back and show it. I mean she could be but I don't know that or see that or hear that so to me it isn't really happening. In the end I only have myself to blame for allowing it to affect me and dwelling on it. I think I would have felt better today not sending her those texts. Let this be a lesson to you folks! It hurts when you do that! Don't do that!

[MissRx2016]

I feel as though if it started out as an affair things are going to end bad. Karma is real.

[Compromize]

I feel as though if it started out as an affair things are going to end bad. Karma is real.

 

I have thought this before. It sucks truly falling in love for the first time in your life in that kind of a situation. I never thought I would ever have an affair and it would not happen again in my lifetime. It wasn't her first and she has a history of leaving all her relationships. Not sure why I thought it would be any different for me. She said she never felt anything like what we had together and I believed her.

 

Thank you for the comment MissRx2016. Its a dose of reality that I need right now. I keep getting stuck on the blissful times we had together. Karma is real. I know in my case though I would have been with her and faithful and happy for the rest of my life, I felt and still feel like I was meant to be with her from the start, years and years ago, even if it's not destined to happen. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows but she was the only person I have ever met that I could truly be myself with and I really enjoyed our time together and the passion we shared was out of this world. I know it's over and I need to let go. One of these days I will.

[aisuru]

Every text you send that she doesn't respond to is just one more time she's rejecting you. The greater number of texts ignored, the greater the pain. If and when they respond, it's a temporary bandaid. Totally a cycle that only you can break. But you know that.

[Compromize]

Every text you send that she doesn't respond to is just one more time she's rejecting you. The greater number of texts ignored, the greater the pain. If and when they respond, it's a temporary bandaid. Totally a cycle that only you can break. But you know that.

 

I know this well. This whole thing with her contacting me and wanting me back but then not doing anything from that point has fu@ked up all the progress that I had been making. Brought me back to early BU feelings and the strong impulse to contact her. I mean in the back of my mind I of course wanted her back and when she said she wanted me back all of it came flooding back.

 

You are right, rejection after rejection after rejection. Why do I keep putting myself through that? I know there are tons of women who would not reject me, who would love to be with me. But right now I only want the one that I can't have.

 

I know that I am the only one who can stop this cycle of rejection and I am consistently putting myself out there to be rejected like I knew I would be. I feel foolish and quite frankly am getting fu@king sick of being rejected. Since I created my own pain I am the only one who can stop it. Wish I wouldn't have caved today and just got it all out and sent it to myself or deleted it.

 

On a positive note, I guess I know it was real for me and that I can really love someone and be truly happy. That I can at least take with me from here.

[moneyneversleeps]

People keep saying that nc is to heal.

and then saying that nc will make your ex miss you more.

This is so contradicting..

Doesn't make any sense.

[moneyneversleeps]

also in light of no contacting.

I am on 2 weeks and this is how i do it..

I want to text her.

So what i do is i write a text of exactly how i feel. But i don't send it.

then i read it a couple of hours later.

My only rule. After two days look at it again, wait until you are in a good mood..

You will not want to send it.

 

the trick is, make sure YOU WAIT. Because your emotions take over, and thats when you end up sending messages that make you look like a a poor sad puppy dog.

So WAIT. think about it, it isn't that important that it needs to be send now right?

If it is that important, then it will still apply in a couple of days.. You will always realise it doesn't by then.. hit delete.

[LadyAnglerTx]

I second what MissWillow said in her post. My ex texted me a week ago wanting to meet for dinner. I got my hopes up, went to dinner, back at his house talking, he grabbed me and kissed me when I said goodbye. I left that night thinking we actually reconnected because we had a good time.

 

Then NC from him.

 

A week later I texted him asking if he wanted to get together again and he said he could not. Tells me via text he was hoping something was still there but too much has been said and done in the past. He sure didnt seem to think that when he had his tongue down my throat.

 

I honestly think he did that to get back at me for breaking up with him 3 years ago. He wanted to lure me on then rip my heart out. I was so stupid - I actually thought we would get back together. My expectations totally backfired. Now Im hurt.

 

Its horrible and all these years I healed and got over him and moved on - then I let him des ft roy me like this. Think twice - these attempts to get back together never end well. You end up being hurt all over again.

[TaraMaiden]

People keep saying that nc is to heal.

and then saying that nc will make your ex miss you more.

This is so contradicting..

Doesn't make any sense.

 

That's because the first description is correct and the second, isn't.

 

That's why it's contradicting - because it is. Hence the confusion.

 

compromize

treat this whole episode as her having 'tricked' you into breaking NC.

Deal with her crap, know she 'says', not 'does', and take it all as one huge learning curve.

 

NC works.

it works to enable you to move on.

 

Exes WILL get in touch.

It depends on you, how far into your healing you are, as to what effect that has on you.

 

Some can deal with it and shrug it off, others can deal with it clearly and with a blank mind.

Others - like you - well, it just flips the whole pile of leaves you've just neatly raked together, all over the garden again....

 

And a reconciliation is an absolute 50/50 thing - with equal commitment, work and dedication on BOTH sides.

She is demonstrably missing the attention you gave her.

But she's not missing YOU enough to do the work necessary to make that a reality.

 

Cut the attention, and ignore it all from this moment on....

[Compromize]

compromize

treat this whole episode as her having 'tricked' you into breaking NC.

Deal with her crap, know she 'says', not 'does', and take it all as one huge learning curve.

 

NC works.

it works to enable you to move on.

 

Exes WILL get in touch.

It depends on you, how far into your healing you are, as to what effect that has on you.

 

Some can deal with it and shrug it off, others can deal with it clearly and with a blank mind.

Others - like you - well, it just flips the whole pile of leaves you've just neatly raked together, all over the garden again....

 

And a reconciliation is an absolute 50/50 thing - with equal commitment, work and dedication on BOTH sides.

She is demonstrably missing the attention you gave her.

But she's not missing YOU enough to do the work necessary to make that a reality.

 

Cut the attention, and ignore it all from this moment on....

 

Thank you TaraMaiden. I have been doing just that. I believe her calling me and wanting me back had really nothing to do with me. It had to do with her knowing that I knew she was dating, her not "connecting" with the ones she was dating, wanting to hear me say/know that I would take her back, and wanting what we had together back, not necessarily wanting ME back.

 

The frame of mind I was in at that point was wanting her back and the phone call was exactly what I wanted, at least initally. But again, the phone call was not about me. It was about her. What she wanted and needed from me, not anything to do with what I want.

 

It's been 3 weeks tomorrow since the phone call and she has sent me 2 texts since then. The first said she was thinking of me but has been unable to get past the fact that I might leave her should we get back together. That's her fear, that I might leave HER if we get back together. WTF, she left ME! The second text was basically saying the same thing, but less final, like I haven't been able to get past that fear yet, but I am here loving you.

 

She hasn't responded to the handful of texts I sent in the first week. I have responded to hers . Not going to anymore. None of this is about what I want or need in any way and unless she shows up at my door or actually asks to see me in person this is all more stupid a$$ breadcrumbs. She clearly is not missing me/want me back enough to put in any amount of work whatsoever except 2 text messages. Like you said, she is not doing any of the work necessary to make an actual reconciliation any kind of reality. She probably has someone new anyway. She gets a lot of attention from men. She doesn't need mine anymore. The ball is in her court and she is down by 10.

 

3 weeks later and this is not even close to a start of a second chance. I wonder how many others this happens to? Seems fairly common that they say they want us back and do absolutely nothing about it. Sucks but after 3 months I am not the mess I used to be, for the most part at least!!

Edited May 11, 2013 by Compromize

[Compromize]

Well it's been almost a month and...... nothing. Some texts, only a couple in response to mine the rest went unanswered. And the initial phone call and one the next day.

 

I know second chances exist, I had one already last year around this time and I didn't blow it, she left even though I tried my fu@king hardest to make it work. This time I think she has truly vanished, living her own life like the phone call and what she said never happened.

 

After 3 months the pain is duller than it used to be but still comes back. I just have learned a little better to let it run it's course and subside rather than to fight it back. The urge to contact her is still there, just checking it and not giving in.

 

Bottom line - Be wary when someone says they want you back. It's probably for their own benefit and not for yours. Unless they open back up the lines of true communication and show you, prove to you that they want you back by... actually getting you back, actually seeing each other in person, it could be just what I have gotten. Nothing but a phone call and a couple of texts.

 

I wish my story would have turned out different...... thanks for being there all you kind people on LS. I know I will be OK now, but at one time I was truly happy. I much prefer happy to OK.

 

Have a good night all.

[Axee]

This lady seems very selfish to me, always worried about herself and taking things on her own terms, let her go compromize.

 

It will be very difficult in the beginning but you will love again.

 

Believe me, I have been there and gotten past it, yes there might be a kind of a change, a trauma..but its all for the best.