Are A break ups harder to bear?

[ViresSanctity]

Every relationship must be painful for at least one person in the break. Usually the dumpee feels worse than the dumper, while the dumper most often will go on like normal.

 

In my A break up, both suffer. The break up happened but both people are still attached and very much in love, but we both know we can't contact each other. I know because on the day of the break up, she left a final word saying she still loves me the same as it was day one and I felt the same. No one feels better off for the wear.

 

I have never felt so sick from a break up before.

[ForeverHopeful1]

Why can't you be together?

[Praying4Peace]

I know there are many types of A's but in one that has an intense physical and emotional attachment over a long period of time (mine was over a year) it is HELL on Earth.

 

I don't even compare it to a normal breakup because as you said in a normal breakup the dumpee just needs to accept that the dumper doesn't care about them anymore and is going off to find someone new and more compatible.

 

Knowing someone is forcing themselves to forget you by No Contact and knowing that there's nothing you can do about it and that there are more than just you two involved in your decisions is crippling.

[So happy together]

I'm so sorry you are in such pain. Try to take care of you. We're here.

[ViresSanctity]

Why can't you be together?

 

I think I resented her character and it was showing up on our phone conversations. We couldn't stop arguing because there was always something bugging me about her. The arguments put us through so much pain. It was a habit that I couldn't change, and she had her bad habits of lying that she couldn't change. Unraveling a new secret every week wasn't fun.

[AnotherRound]

I think that they can be harder bc they often don't end bc either partner wants to end them - but are ended by outside circumstances. So many WSs continue contact after a d-day, that I have no choice but to believe that they still WANT that contact and are not ready to end the affair.

 

I once had a boyfriend out west, a summer thing. I was 19 and he was 17 - I was spending the summer with my father a thousand miles from my home and where I had to return to continue college. The summer was great, we were wonderful together and had a great time - but the summer ended. It was horrible - we both were crying like crazy bc things outside of our control were forcing us apart. Neither of us wanted to end the relationship - but realistically and logistically, we just couldn't make it work. It was heartwrenching (even though my Dad rolled his eyes a lot, lol, it really was!).

 

That, imo, is what makes them harder. Knowing that you want to be together, but making that happen would take so much - more than you are able to do in so many cases. It would mean giving up things (full time access to your children, for instance) that you just can't give up - don't want to give up!

 

Also, if you add in other complications - like, if there was a d-day or something, that compounds the stress and the grief.

 

So yeah, they can be harder - but I gotta say - I STILL, after all these years, wonder if that boyfriend of mine and I would have made it - I think so. And that is always hard to let go of. He and I both moved on of course, eventually - but we are still in contact from time to time as we left on good terms, with strong feelings - and know in our heart of hearts that the only thing that broke us up were extenuating circumstances.

[ViresSanctity]

I know there are many types of A's but in one that has an intense physical and emotional attachment over a long period of time (mine was over a year) it is HELL on Earth.

 

I don't even compare it to a normal breakup because as you said in a normal breakup the dumpee just needs to accept that the dumper doesn't care about them anymore and is going off to find someone new and more compatible.

 

Knowing someone is forcing themselves to forget you by No Contact and knowing that there's nothing you can do about it and that there are more than just you two involved in your decisions is crippling.

 

This is exactly it

[ViresSanctity]

I'm so sorry you are in such pain. Try to take care of you. We're here.

 

And I love talking here . I find something new that helps me move on every time and writing it here helps me remember it.

[Leo the Homely Lion]

she had her bad habits of lying that she couldn't change. Unraveling a new secret every week wasn't fun.

 

I hear ya, sounds very familiar. She lied to me repeatedly. Almost every conversation contained one of her lies.

[Poppy fields]

The only time I was ever truly dumped was during an affair situation. And it sucked balls. But, I don't have anything to compare it to so of course it seems the worst. Most of my relationships have ended by my decision or mutual decision.

[BetrayedH]

I can't imagine anything worse than what I suffered by my wife of 19 years having a year-long affair and divorcing me. Lost 38lbs and more sleep than I could calculate. Three therapists suggested I had PTSD. Affair partners have no corner on the hurt market.

[Leo the Homely Lion]

she had her bad habits of lying that she couldn't change. Unraveling a new secret every week wasn't fun.

 

I hear ya, sounds very familiar. She lied to me repeatedly. Almost every conversation contained one of her lies.

[ladydesigner]

I think they are because usually one or both still has feelings for the other when it ends and also are harder to bear because there aren't a lot of people you can talk to about it for support.

 

Keep posting at LS! It really helped me when I needed it.

[thefooloftheyear]

I hear ya, sounds very familiar. She lied to me repeatedly. Almost every conversation contained one of her lies.

 

 

You guys might want to take a hard look at this article..I am not saying that is what occured in your A relationships, but many people that suffer BPD have a bad habit of lying...

 

 

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

 

Its a rather long article, but its worth a look.

 

I feel your pain, OP. Its the worst thing I have ever had to endure. If you want to PM me feel free.

 

TFY

[BetrayedH]

You guys might want to take a hard look at this article..I am not saying that is what occured in your A relationships, but many people that suffer BPD have a bad habit of lying...

 

 

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

 

Its a rather long article, but its worth a look.

 

I feel your pain, OP. Its the worst thing I have ever had to endure. If you want to PM me feel free.

 

TFY

 

Could you add conscience and conscious to your signature line? The misuse of those are killing me lately.

[Leo the Homely Lion]

You guys might want to take a hard look at this article..I am not saying that is what occured in your A relationships, but many people that suffer BPD have a bad habit of lying...

 

 

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

 

Its a rather long article, but its worth a look.

 

I feel your pain, OP. Its the worst thing I have ever had to endure. If you want to PM me feel free.

 

TFY

 

Wow. Thank you. I'll comment later.

[Goodbye]

I think affair break ups are harder because of the secrecy and the outside disapproval. When a guy dumps you in the normal course of events, friends and family rally around and tell you how great your are and what an ^&** he is (regardless of the truth)! As an OW, I was a secret. I didn't share my relationship with the MM with many of my friends because they would tell me the obvious truths about how WRONG it was, even though it felt like the ultimate right. Therefore, when the D-Day happened I only really had one good friend to share my grief with. I've been grieving alone, and on here. Even my therapist has a "get over it, it shouldn't have happened anyway" attitude. Maybe that is true, but it DID happen and the hurt is real.

[lynn1954]

Affairs often end when the passion is very high. That hurts more than a relationship that has suffered a natural death.

 

Very well said, and totally accurate. Great explanation why A break-ups feel worse than other break-ups.

[lynn1954]

I think I resented her character and it was showing up on our phone conversations. We couldn't stop arguing because there was always something bugging me about her. The arguments put us through so much pain. It was a habit that I couldn't change, and she had her bad habits of lying that she couldn't change. Unraveling a new secret every week wasn't fun.

 

ViresSanctity:

 

Consider that you said this, and you feel this way, and then ask yourself if you really are still "very much in love"? If yes, why??????

 

Consider that you said this, and you feel this way, and then ask yourself "Why does this break-up hurt so much? Hmmm, considering this, maybe I choose to stop feeling sad and start feeling better right now".

[Leo the Homely Lion]

Wow. Thank you. I'll comment later.

 

This might be the most personally important article I've read, ever. My special person exhibits 90% of the characteristics rostered here. And it describes 95% of our relationship. It's UNCANNY! I've even asked her in passing whether she might have BPD. I had no idea how right I was on that hunch.

 

Thank you for posting this link. Not to be too dramatic, but man, you have saved, if not my life, certainly my sanity.

 

It all makes now, from her picking bs fights, to telling me she used me, to always putting me in no-win situations, to calling me up out of the blue to meet up with her after she disappeared on me for a year, to cheating on me with some stranger she slept with the first minute she was alone with him, for blaming me for things I never did AND for things SHE did, on and on and on, this article completely describes her -- and, I'll have to think more about it, but it sure seems to describe me.

 

I cannot thank you enough, FOOLOFTHEYEAR. (I WAS FOOLOFTHEFoolofthekASTHALFDECADE)

[Jonah]

Just be cool and wait for a while. the cooler the Better. Take this opportunity to have an affair with yourself. Think about you! Your life has more space now. This is good and exactly what you need! Get ready'.. She come back and we are talking fusion. Reach out and touch her every once in a while. Very lightly. "are you ok?" Listen and that's it! Got a hobby? (other than pussy) now its the time! Start something healthy and new. Eat right, exercise. Increase your vanity to the n'st degree!

[movingon45]

My AP was also my ex college bf (my only ex) so I can compare. Affairs are definitely so much harder because of the forced circumstances and the secrecy. You cannot confide to anyone. Thank God for all of you here on LS.

[RickFox]

Id' say it was the hardest thing to deal with after the end of my A. I have never been so crushed in all my life after any break up to the point of being reduced to a blubbering mess.

 

If you were to ask my xAP, I'd venture to say she wouldn't give two sh*t's that it ended and it was easy as hell for her to do.

[thefooloftheyear]

This might be the most personally important article I've read, ever. My special person exhibits 90% of the characteristics rostered here. And it describes 95% of our relationship. It's UNCANNY! I've even asked her in passing whether she might have BPD. I had no idea how right I was on that hunch.

 

Thank you for posting this link. Not to be too dramatic, but man, you have saved, if not my life, certainly my sanity.

 

It all makes now, from her picking bs fights, to telling me she used me, to always putting me in no-win situations, to calling me up out of the blue to meet up with her after she disappeared on me for a year, to cheating on me with some stranger she slept with the first minute she was alone with him, for blaming me for things I never did AND for things SHE did, on and on and on, this article completely describes her -- and, I'll have to think more about it, but it sure seems to describe me.

 

I cannot thank you enough, FOOLOFTHEYEAR. (I WAS FOOLOFTHEFoolofthekASTHALFDECADE)

 

I suppose we are like members of some stupid club...I searched long and hard for the answers and, like you, figured out that even though I was a willing participant, what happened was out of my control and it was because of this...then the pieces started falling into place.

 

Reading this changed my life as well. However(and with all due respect to our esteemed military forces), I do feel like a walking wounded suffering some insane form of PTSD. I have only begun the journey of healing this mess.

 

I wish you well, my friend.

 

TFY

Edited April 23, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Leo the Homely Lion]

I suppose we are like members of some stupid club...I searched long and hard for the answers and, like you, figured out that even though I was a willing participant, what happened was out of my control and it was because of this...then the pieces started falling into place.

 

Reading this changed my life as well. However(and with all due respect to our esteemed military forces), I do feel like a walking wounded suffering some insane form of PTSD. I have only begun the journey of healing this mess.

 

I wish you well, my friend.

 

TFY

 

Almost every paragraph of that article described my special person perfectly, our relationship dynamics, and maybe me as her perfect foil but that gets into heavy childhood psychology stuff that I have no certainly about. My guess is, though, that I'm that guy.

 

Just ONE out of dozens of points my special person shares with the prototypical BPD gal in this article is that no matter how sharp the man may be, you ain't gonna ever win with this girl. And maybe just two days ago, I posted on this board something like, "I'm a smart dude but she always kicks my ass."

 

Is that a telltale diagnostic parallel? Of course not. But the other two dozen become convinCing -- and, I think, they are all kind of summarized by that ONE thing. I knew she was lying, I knew she was wrong, I knew that the, no poop, THOUSAND of things she wrongfull accused me of were just nuts -- and I know I'm a smart modo -- but she kicked my ass everytime.

 

I suppose this topic's been discussed to death, huh? I would really like to see what others' experience is on this. Because of your link, Fooloftheyear (a title you will cede to me if we ever compare notes), this is the first topic I've seen on this board (sorry, powers that be) that seems like something other than the Internet equivalent of bartalk.

 

It's blown my mind how accurately that article tracked my relationship. So much so that I had to read that twenty foot tall piece twice.

 

She's left me in such a state that I couldn't be as assertive as I needed to be with my dying parent's doctors today. And it may prove very costly. And if you saw me and knew me, you would think I was one of the most confident, palatably-Alpha males you've ever seen. And I was. But almost five years with her abuse -- and that article hints at why i would put up with that-- has just killed me. She gave me life, a thing i told her many times and another thing that artivle says almost verbatim that i'd feel, but as time wore on, I could feel it slippin g -- to the point I'm worse now than when I met her.

 

Saddest thing about me now, how pathetically right that article is about the man in a rlshp with a BPD woman, is that I want her to know she has this condition, that she must be cateful -- and i want to be the person who helps her get well.

 

What I hate about the article you posted is that paragraph after paragraph I was nodding my head, was totally all OMG THIS IS WHY! I agreed with almost all of it, probably 90%. Until that last paragraph. Where it said i didn't really love her. Ordinarily I would dismiss that out of hand. But the article was so right -- until then. I'm going to research the lu ving sh*t out if this. Thanks again, Fooloftheyear. What a mindblowing conclusion to almost five years.