Hating the OW/OM

[So happy together]

This was discussed in another thread, and it was a T/J, so I thought I would broach it here and see what the responses were.

 

I was just wondering, and please, let's keep it friendly, why it is that a BS can forgive her WS, even if they make them work for it, but eventually do forgive them, but cannot ever forgive the OW/OM, and they take on the brunt of the blame until the end of time. I just don't understand it.

 

For me, it would be more blame on my WS since he was the one that broke promises to me. I understand that BS would feel that the OM/OW is to blame also, but it seems they get MORE blame than the WS.

 

Thoughts?

[2sure]

I think a BS does lay much more blame on WS. If there is forgiveness its because there is love and history. Forgiveness comes after blame, accountability, work , and the rest of the process of reconciliation or divorce.

 

The OW is blamed but there is no history no love, so no real motive to forgive.

No process to work through together. Totally and completely different.

 

My X was a serial cheater, so blaming OW was pointless. But there was one who knew he was married and knew me . We had all met together. I rnt care who invited her, she had no business in my life without my knowledge.

 

I don't need to forgive her to feel complete or happy or without anger. That's a myth.

[Goodbye]

Most of it is misplaced anger, I suspect. Easier to get mad at someone they don't really know. The bigger issue lies with the MM. I think, more often than not, they portray the OW as the chaser, the initiator and as someone who entrapped them. They portray her as a stalker, as someone with great powers. In reality, this is rarely the case. It is usually some woman who has been misled, and for whatever reason has a mistake in judgement and end up in what she THINKS is a relationship.

[thefooloftheyear]

Ill use this analogy...

 

People would get angry at a drug dealer for selling the drug, even though the drug user shouldnt have taken it. The OW/OM becomes the "enabler"-so to speak...I would only say this of OW/OW that willingly knew the MM/MW was married and there wasnt some deception..Might be a poor analogy, but it was all I could think of at the moment.

 

And I don't think that BS's ever really truly forgive their WS's...They may put on a happy face and want to keep the family unit together for the sake of keeping things together, but it will be a lifetime of resentment. Time will temper it somewhat, but only a miniscule number of people truly put it behind them, IMO.

 

I get your point...Dont worry..plenty of pain for the WS's...

 

TFY

[carhill]

Generally, the OW/OM is a stranger or, if not, rarely prioritized anywhere near the level of a spouse. The person with lower priority loses in the balance of the hate dynamic. Emotions aren't rational.

 

I've seen this dynamic with blood family where a member has cheated and the family will side with the cheater against the BS and 'hate' the BS. The blood family member is, in that case, prioritized above the BS, regardless of what is rational.

[ladydesigner]

I lay mostly all the blame on my WH. I blame MOW partially because she knew what she was getting into (she worked for him). I actually am not sure who pursued who, my WH says MOW and the texts I read prove that but I am not positive. My WH 100% is the complete a**hole in this situation and is the one who got the brunt of my anger to from DDay on. I did a lot of exposing on DDay, but I never once called MOW any bad names or tried to make her feel bad in any way. She on the other hand gave me a lot of jabs and they still sting . We didn't have the best marriage at the time, but a lot of it was because of my WH. I never saw him and she worked for him so she saw him more than I did. My WH had poor boundaries and so did she. Both spent too much time away from home and ended up lovers. I warned my WH before the A even started (because I know about the slippery slope myself) and it happened anyway.

 

I used to hate the MOW, now I just don't care.

 

I really hate what my WH did and who he was, but he is working on himself.

 

I am working on forgiveness for both. I haven't yet gotten to a point where I can say I forgive either one of them.

Edited April 22, 2013 by ladydesigner

[krazikat]

This was discussed in another thread, and it was a T/J, so I thought I would broach it here and see what the responses were.

 

I was just wondering, and please, let's keep it friendly, why it is that a BS can forgive her WS, even if they make them work for it, but eventually do forgive them, but cannot ever forgive the OW/OM, and they take on the brunt of the blame until the end of time. I just don't understand it.

 

For me, it would be more blame on my WS since he was the one that broke promises to me. I understand that BS would feel that the OM/OW is to blame also, but it seems they get MORE blame than the WS.

 

Thoughts?

 

Honestly, I do not hate my h xow...but I will say HER actions resulted in some ugly confrontations between her and I. On and after dday, that girl made some ugly comments...such as: my h was thinking about her when having sex with me, asked if I liked the taste of her p****, things of that nature. All I had asked to get that response was how long she had been in a relationship with my husband...so at that point my crazy came out, because that ugly behavior is just unacceptable. But that crazy was because of how she talked to me, flat out disgusting. It made me look at my h crooked...not only did he cheat, but with a chic like this? A stripper who does drugs and has no class? WTF?

 

A few weeks later her and I had a civil chat...apologized to each other and all that, she was even crying to me. I forgave her and thought that would be the last time we spoke...I even posted here on ls about it...

 

Last week, out of no where, the girl calls me early in the morning and starts spinning all kimds of crazy tales. Tried to tell me they effed in our bed, but when asked to describe my house, she clearly had never been inside...although she does get some special points for still trying to describe it... Basically, she called me trying to get me worked up out of spite, or in an attempt to get my h mad enough to call her...I have since blocked her from contacting me.

 

Oh, also, after dday, my h ended it completely with her. He had already ended their relationship, but he told her clearly he was staying with his family. She proceeded to call and text him hundreds of times over the next day, so he changed his number. Her texts, which I saw, included messages saying how much she loved him, how they will never be over, and more.

 

My point is that I am not blaming her for the A, my h is to blame for that. However, she did knowingly involve herself with a mm, one who told her he would not leave his family and even that he loved me, his w, which she also has acknowledged to me. However, when dday came, she completely disrespected me, lied to me, and acted crazy. I feel empathy for her; I know she is hurting. But I did NOTHING TO HER. I was the bs, I did not know about her. So, I could ask, why do some ow hate the bs?

 

I am dealing with my h, but when I made the decision to r, I had to let go of my anger at him. If he cheats again, it will be d. Period. There is no benefit in holding onto anger.

 

With that said, I will also admit being a bs has been devastating...I never could imagine the sense of loss and pain...yes, physical pain, finding out about the A resulted in. It turns your world upside down and inside out. Emotions run wild. I cant imagine how ws or op would expect bs to react. Why would op care what bs thought after dday when they didnt care before?

[Decorative]

Um.

 

The OW doesn't take up space in my brain. Unless I am describing an interaction here, or she reaches out in real life ( which she has done multiple times).

 

I don't hate her.

 

I feel sorry for her. She's a serial OW at a pretty young age who is screwed up in many ways.

 

She's not a function in my daily life.

 

But as to why my spouse - who is far more to blame than she ever was- is on my good graces, and she is not in any of my graces?

 

That's simple. She was a stranger. She apologized once- with a bunch of lies ( confirmed as lies by her family) and a dig at me hidden as a compliment ( she told me how awesome my kids were- to make sure I knew she had met them).

 

She has continued to harass me and tell her parents on me. She makes up stories, saying I am harassing her, and they contact me. And I have to show them- time and time again that their daughter is a liar seeking attention.

 

So hate her?

 

No.

 

Feel sorry for her?

 

Of course.

 

My spouse? On the other hand- has worked so hard to fix what was wrong in his life. And to show me he was worth another chance. He has axed me with his effort.

 

I don't think my situation is all that unusual.

 

The betrayeds don't have a pre-existing relationship with the affair partner in most cases. And a stranger harmed them. There are some exceptional other women/men who speak to the betrayed and apologize, and it helps immensely. But that's not the mainstream experience.

[Decorative]

And for the record?

 

I accepted the affair happened. But did not forgive my spouse. Some things are unforgivable to me- this was one of them. But time, therapy, and so much hard work allowed me to happily reconcile with my spouse. And I am glad we did, every single day.

 

But I would not offer the OW something I would not even offer my own spouse .

 

Because that would be pretty weird. LOL

[Decorative]

And that is amazed me, not axed.

 

Autocorrect is bizarre. LOL

[lynn1954]

 

I was just wondering, and please, let's keep it friendly, why it is that a BS can forgive her WS, even if they make them work for it, but eventually do forgive them, but cannot ever forgive the OW/OM, and they take on the brunt of the blame until the end of time. I just don't understand it.

 

 

It has nothing to do with who "deserves" blame or forgiveness, nothing to do with who made the bigger mistake or used the worst judgment.

 

It's who the BS loved, valued, wanted and needed in the past (that would be the spouse) and who the BS loves, values, wants and needs in the future (that would also be the spouse).

 

The BS never loved, valued, wanted or needed the OW in the past nor the present nor the future.

 

It's more likely to forgive someone you love, value, want or need.

 

It's less likely to forgive someone you don't love, value, want or need.

[Eggplant]

It has nothing to do with who "deserves" blame or forgiveness, nothing to do with who made the bigger mistake or used the worst judgment.

 

It's who the BS loved, valued, wanted and needed in the past (that would be the spouse) and who the BS loves, values, wants and needs in the future (that would also be the spouse).

 

The BS never loved, valued, wanted or needed the OW in the past nor the present nor the future.

 

It's more likely to forgive someone you love, value, want or need.

 

It's less likely to forgive someone you don't love, value, want or need.

Agreed. I was going to make a similar point. On some primitive level, for some people, the WS is a resource, and the AP is simply competition. Fair has nothing to do with it; it's the law of the jungle, the competition must die.

 

This is not how it should be, but you asked why, and here is one take.

[Mycatsnuggles]

I get why the BS would blame the OW. I would prefer his wife blame me and make up with him. Maybe I'm the odd person out in these thoughts. Despite what I have done I really don't want to hurt his wife or his marriage. Please don't beat me up for those statements. I know they don't make sense with having an affair with him. But I sincerely mean this. I would rather she blame me and forgive him to move forward with their relationship.

[2sure]

I knew xMM was married and we flirted for nearly 2 years on an online forum. He asked several times to meet me, but I always brushed it off.

 

When an opportunity presented itself to email him, I took it. The G-rated flirting we'd done in front of everyone quickly escalated (initiated by him) into sexually explicit emails.

 

Basically, we pursued each other equally. He laid the bait, I took it, I laid the bait, he took it.

 

I ultimately pulled the plug though. He half-heartedly said no more sex, but flirted like it was still on the table. I knew it would take everything I had to say no, and I didn't want to risk it, so I ended it before a D-"

 

 

 

You knew you were making a mistake and you corrected it. I hope you don't carry it around too long and I hope you remember you can change things when you see your going the wrong way. You're a smart woman.

[Jonah]

For me though I met him a few times, the OM was nameless and faceless. I never considered him a threat, even when or after they were together. He was her deal, not mine. I didn't hate her either. But the affair ruined our relationship and we went our separate ways. I talked to her last year... just divorced for her forth time. I could go pick her up right now and live happily ever after, but I'm doing something else...

[herenow]

This was discussed in another thread, and it was a T/J, so I thought I would broach it here and see what the responses were.

 

I was just wondering, and please, let's keep it friendly, why it is that a BS can forgive her WS, even if they make them work for it, but eventually do forgive them, but cannot ever forgive the OW/OM, and they take on the brunt of the blame until the end of time. I just don't understand it.

 

For me, it would be more blame on my WS since he was the one that broke promises to me. I understand that BS would feel that the OM/OW is to blame also, but it seems they get MORE blame than the WS.

 

Thoughts?

 

I agree with those who say the OW is not part of the BS's life, so no need to forgive. I blamed my H 100%. The OW is totally irrelevant to me as I was to her. She didn't feel that she owed me anything and I agree. I don't feel like I owe her anything either.

 

My question is: Why would an OW care if the BS forgives her, or if the BW hates the OW? Seems a very odd request as the OW didn't feel the need to be considerate to the BS. This has come up several times and I would love to know the answer.

Edited April 23, 2013 by herenow

[ThatJustHappened]

Also, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Reconciling doesn't equal automatic forgiveness. I'm sure most BSs are just as angry at their WS as they are at the OW/M, but they want to put on a brave face for the outside world and make it seem like everything is ok. Both parties deserve anger from the BS.

[jlola]

I am neutral party who has not been cheated on or cheated. Perhaps I am wrong, but I do feel many BS's put most of the blame on their WS but rightfully some moral blame on the OW.

 

My father has cheated with countless women. Though I do not blame them, i feel they are morally corrupt and selfish IF they knew he was married.

 

There is one I actually felt sorry for. She was very young and naive and came from a poor family. So he had her head filled with a grand life,promised to get her into a good college( she actually believed he had the clout) and my mother actually agreed she was a victim and felt really bad for this girl too.

 

Most of the OW though should know better. Also, since 2 of my sisters are cheaters I think I know why wives would feel resentful.

 

In hearing them you realize the men have made them privy to a lot of private parts of their lives.Most probably warped versions of reality. My one sister would always tell me how cheap,or fat, or selfish or what a bad mother or whatever the BS of her then MM was. Of course whatever they say MUST be the truth!

 

It's as if "I am better than her because she is ...................".

 

They get a one sided view and feel no pity for the wife.

 

The same exact woman who says she would be out the door if MM or husband is having an affair is willing to do exactly what they would not tolerate to someone else.

 

I think there is something seriously wrong with that.

 

The other day I was driving and trying to make left turn at green light. It was a wide intersection and an old woman was crossing with a walker with a few members of the family. She was unusually slow and I politely waited. Her family kept looking and put their hand up to make sure the car stopped. car ( I have a low car,so she clearly saw what was going on)behind me went around to my left and almost hit a family member. Why she was in such a hurry , I never know. but I did notice the handicap placard on her windshield.

 

It made me upset. I'm pretty sure she feels entitled to special treatment with her placard. But when she saw someone who actually deserved some patience and respect, she gave her none.

 

See, as long as people do not do onto her as she willingly does to someone else,all is well.

 

The woman behind the wheel had done nothing to me. She was just in her own little world where her only gratification and responsibility was for herself. But she irked me.

 

"Do onto others as you would have them do to you" is probably why some people have little respect for OW who knowingly date MM. Because we all know if someone did the exact same to them, they would be upset.

[2sure]

That's one of the most insightful posts I ever read here. Thank you.

[canuckprincess]

This was discussed in another thread, and it was a T/J, so I thought I would broach it here and see what the responses were.

 

I was just wondering, and please, let's keep it friendly, why it is that a BS can forgive her WS, even if they make them work for it, but eventually do forgive them, but cannot ever forgive the OW/OM, and they take on the brunt of the blame until the end of time. I just don't understand it.

 

For me, it would be more blame on my WS since he was the one that broke promises to me. I understand that BS would feel that the OM/OW is to blame also, but it seems they get MORE blame than the WS.

 

Thoughts?

 

I believe it's easier to hate the ow because , it's easier for her to hate a stranger then to hate the stranger she's married to. She has convinced herself that they are both victims and I'm the evil one. I'm not suggesting that I'm completely innocent but I'm not the only one to blame. The only person I've betrayed is my ex husband, I'm not the one breaking my vows to her.

[herenow]

 

See, as long as people do not do onto her as she willingly does to someone else,all is well.

 

 

Isn't this what we are taught and teach our children? So, why, when an OW willingly and knowingly has an affair with a MM do they feel any forgiveness is due to them?

 

I'm all for the "do unto others" approach to how I treat people, but I do not feel that I owe anything to those who don't live by that rule. I don't "hate" anyone. I don't wish bad on anyone. There are just those I really don't care about and are not part of my thought process at all. The OW is in the later group.

[Poppy fields]

I didn't blame the OW. She was a young lady, a girl really, that my husband used and took advantage of.

 

All of my anger and blame was with him, and that is why I left him.

[herenow]

I'm not the one breaking my vows to her.

 

Exactly the attitude that make me ask why you care at all if she hates you. Or maybe you don't care and that would make more sense. I don't know because I don't know you.

[skylarblue]

I don't know how often it is that the BW puts the blame or most of it on the OW. I think for those who do, it's easier to blame a person that they don't know or have a history or connection with. They may find a (false) sense of security in the M/H by faulting the OW and believing the A happened only because of her. It may be easier or the only way for some to be able to forgive, reconcile, or get through the infidelity by believing/convincing themselves that the OW is the villain and the H is the victim, that their H isn't the type of person that's capable of freely choosing to do that (therefore making it all her fault).

 

You know, all the time I read "the OW could've been anyone, there's nothing special about her". If that's true then it sounds like the WH is just out looking for ANYONE to have an A with. Yet, in the same breath they want to blame the OW for the A.

 

The truth and FACT of the matter is that it ONLY takes two people to affair-proof a M. ONLY two people can guarantee that a marriage is NEVER touched by infidelity. The fidelity of a M is ONLY dependent on the H and W. As long as they choose to be faithful to one another, NO ONE can/could touch their M in that way.

[AnotherRound]

Eh - my exHs ow didn't get anything from me - other than one phone call to let her know that I knew. After that, nothing. She didn't get my thoughts, my time, my energy - nothing. I took it up with my HUSBAND at the time. There are a million girls in this world that he could be compatible with - that he could have cheated with (just like there are a million girls he could have married) - who it is, is irrelevant. The big issue was that he had an affair - not with whom he had that affair.

 

I forgive him (and I guess her, I didn't think much about her really), and I hold no hard feelings towards him. I hope he is happy and living a full life and has found someone that is a MUCH better fit for him. And, I hope that he learned something from his affair, some better communication skills maybe, and a few better coping skills perhaps. But again, I don't give him much thought anymore either.

 

My exMMs now exW doesn't hate me. I think she can see, now, after all is said and done - that I wasn't the problem - I was a symptom of their problem - their marriage. That was the problem - not me. She might not like me, and that doesn't bother me at all. She didn't want to be married to exMM, but didn't want to get a divorce - so, as far as I'm concerned, I only did what she didn't want to do - nurtured a relationship with exMM. I didn't take anything from her, at least - nothing she wanted. And he didn't give me anything that he would have given her - what he gave me was already off the table for her years before I met him.

 

I agree with the other posters. It's easier for some BS to blame and hate the AP than to realize that this behavior is not "out of character" for their WS - but is obviously within their character. I mean, how would they go on in that relationship for another 20 years if they admitted that their WS is someone who has an affair? And at that, someone who had an affair while with them!? They couldn't - so, in order to reconcile that in their head, they convince themselves that it was that specific AP's fault - and that without that specific AP their WS would never have (nor never again) have an affair. Truth is - it IS within that person's character - and there is always the chance they will do it again - no matter what someone is convinced of.