Hating the OW/OM

[sweet_pea]

Can you/any OP answer HN's question?

 

Why does it matter if the BS forgives the WS but not the OP? Why would an OP care if the blame is placed on them or not? I'm genuinely curious.

[So happy together]

Sorry, I meant held onto anger with OW, not BS.

[So happy together]

Can you/any OP answer HN's question?

 

Why does it matter if the BS forgives the WS but not the OP? Why would an OP care if the blame is placed on them or not? I'm genuinely curious.

 

I will just say that for me, if she wants to hold onto it forever, that is up to her. But it bothers me that she will forever flood her daughter with negativity, that the daughter will tire of, and she will not want to be around her mother.

 

Also, the bitterness only hurts the BS... so I would hope one day that she would get over it for herself.

 

My family will have a good life no matter how she feels. I just wondered why she held onto it for so long after having forgiven the husband. It seems extreme to not let it go for herself.

[So happy together]

Well no one here is going to be able to tell you why the bs in your situation reacted or responded or felt the way she did. Only she can answer that as it is different for everyone.

 

Oh my lord. Really? What I was asking in the OP is why BS's don't forgive, trying to get insight into my situation. I wasn't asking for anyone to solve my problems, or fix the freakin' ozone layer. Jesus.

[sweet_pea]

I will just say that for me, if she wants to hold onto it forever, that is up to her. But it bothers me that she will forever flood her daughter with negativity, that the daughter will tire of, and she will not want to be around her mother.

 

Also, the bitterness only hurts the BS... so I would hope one day that she would get over it for herself.

 

My family will have a good life no matter how she feels. I just wondered why she held onto it for so long after having forgiven the husband. It seems extreme to not let it go for herself.

 

I'm a little "out of it" today, so could you maybe expand on what you mean in regards to the questions?

 

Why do you (as the OP) care whether or not the BS forgives their WS and not the OP?

 

Why does it matter to you, or your life whether or not she lets it go?

 

As another question: Are you equating the BS telling her daughter the truth in regards to the situation to negativity?

[So happy together]

I'm a little "out of it" today, so could you maybe expand on what you mean in regards to the questions?

 

Why do you (as the OP) care whether or not the BS forgives their WS and not the OP?

 

Why does it matter to you, or your life whether or not she lets it go?

 

As another question: Are you equating the BS telling her daughter the truth in regards to the situation to negativity?

 

I have expanded as much as I can. See my previous posts.

 

It doesn't matter to me really. I was just curious why women in general that are BS's forgive the WS but not the OW. This doesn't really apply to me as my BF is no longer the WS. So, there's that.

 

And I do not want her LYING to her daughter, which she is already doing. One tiny example is the ten year relationship... that my two youngest kids are his. So there's that.

[Decorative]

Well, I guess you'll be really pissed off when we are happily married.

 

He's in therapy. He's handling himself. We are a couple, but we are not living together. He is 1700 miles away. We see one another when we can, and it's not nearly enough. In the next nine months or so, I'll move out there, have my own place and we'll go from there. But the end result will be us being married. The end. Sorry if it ruffles your feathers that it worked out for us.

 

Now back to the topic of converstation...:

 

I will not be pissed off.

 

I'll be waiting for your turn at the dysfunction table.

 

It's coming.

[sweet_pea]

By the way, thank you for the public flogging. that must have felt good. I love being virtually attacked in a forum for OTHER WOMEN. Not BITTER BETRAYED SPOUSES.. Have a great day.

 

Just because someone has a different view point, opinion, etc. than yours, does not make them bitter. This forum is open, so you'll just have to accept that others will chime in with their opinion! I'm out!

[herenow]

according to several here, OW is less important because they don't know her, she is a non entity. So, if that is true, why would the BS not also be a non entity to the OW?

 

The husband promised to be faithful. I am not in a R with the BS.

 

The quote above is the answer to the question posed in this thread. It can be assumed that the OW does not care much or at all about the BW based on her actions with the MM. So in that case, the BW can feel however she wants, or nothing about the OW. The BW is free to hate and blame the OW all she wants. The BW has nothing to do with the OW, so no need to forgive. The OW is not part of the OW's life so why should she give a rats a** about the OW or how she feels or what happens to her? It works both ways.

[cocorico]

I will just say that for me, if she wants to hold onto it forever, that is up to her. But it bothers me that she will forever flood her daughter with negativity, that the daughter will tire of, and she will not want to be around her mother.

 

 

It's sad when that happens. My H's kids kept away from their mother for that reason.

[cocorico]

The quote above is the answer to the question posed in this thread. It can be assumed that the OW does not care much or at all about the BW based on her actions with the MM. So in that case, the BW can feel however she wants, or nothing about the OW. The BW is free to hate and blame the OW all she wants. The BW has nothing to do with the OW, so no need to forgive. The OW is not part of the OW's life so why should she give a rats a** about the OW or how she feels or what happens to her? It works both ways.

 

Absolutely. I couldn't care less that she hates me. But her ongoing bitterness has alienated her kids, and others who know her. There comes a point where rational people realise that the only one they're harming with their venom is themselves.

[Quiet Storm]

I will just say that for me, if she wants to hold onto it forever, that is up to her. But it bothers me that she will forever flood her daughter with negativity, that the daughter will tire of, and she will not want to be around her mother.

 

 

 

You are worried about the mother/ daughter relationship??? NOW you care about their family?

 

Sounds more like you don't want the daughter to be influenced by her mother's negative opinion of you (which is likely the truth, from her perspective).

 

Judging the OW's actions negatively does not mean someone is holding onto anger. It can simply mean that the BW doesn't think OW is a good person. I don't judge based on race, religion, sexual orientation... but I judge actions. I don't want inconsiderate people to be a significant part of my life. Isn't it OK to weed them out, based on their actions towards others? If we see a family member acting in ways that go against our values, isn't it OK to point that out to our kids, as a teachable moment?

 

I tell my kids to avoid people that lie, cheat, steal. I point out when their friends or aquaintences engage in self destructive behavior. I model good coping skills. I emphasize the importance of honesty, integrity, credibility. I educate them on spotting unhealthy behaviors and defense mechanisms by pointing these out in my family members with character issues and personality disorders. My oldest knows all about rationalization, denial, self-love, brain chemistry, self medicating, etc.

 

I teach these things because I want them to be able to recognize people that aren't emotionally healthy. So many people end up in bad relationships because they are naive...they really don't know how many liars & messed up people are out there, and enter adulthood unprepared. There are so many smart, educated, successful people that make horrible choices in their personal lives. I believe this is because of FOO issues or simply not being modeled the tools to cope, self soothe, and have strong boundaries.

 

We also abide by the golden rule, regardless of circumstances.

 

I don't teach these things so that my kids are judgemental or closed minded. I teach them so they are prepared. I feel that knowledge is power, and I want them to have the tools to make the best choices in life.

 

So if my husband cheated and left me for an OW... no bad mouthing would be needed.

 

My kids would absolutely judge their father and OWs behavior, because they have been raised to believe that cheating and infidelity, are wrong.

 

I'm sure their hearts would soften for their father, because they love him. It would definitely cause them to lose respect for him. I think they would tolerate OW, but I think it would take a long time for their feelings toward her to be positive.

 

Their feelings would not be MY fault, even if I did speak negatively about her. It would be natural consequence of the affair. You can't raise kids to believe that lying & cheating are wrong, and then expect them to be all accepting about it. That's just not realistic.

[Decorative]

You are worried about the mother/ daughter relationship??? NOW you care about their family?

 

Sounds more like you don't want the daughter to be influenced by her mother's negative opinion of you (which is likely the truth, from her perspective).

 

Judging the OW's actions negatively does not mean someone is holding onto anger. It can simply mean that the BW doesn't think OW is a good person. I don't judge based on race, religion, sexual orientation... but I judge actions. I don't want inconsiderate people to be a significant part of my life. Isn't it OK to weed them out, based on their actions towards others? If we see a family member acting in ways that go against our values, isn't it OK to point that out to our kids, as a teachable moment?

 

I tell my kids to avoid people that lie, cheat, steal. I point out when their friends or aquaintences engage in self destructive behavior. I model good coping skills. I emphasize the importance of honesty, integrity, credibility. I educate them on spotting unhealthy behaviors and defense mechanisms by pointing these out in my family members with character issues and personality disorders. My oldest knows all about rationalization, denial, self-love, brain chemistry, self medicating, etc.

 

I teach these things because I want them to be able to recognize people that aren't emotionally healthy. So many people end up in bad relationships because they are naive...they really don't know how many liars & messed up people are out there, and enter adulthood unprepared. There are so many smart, educated, successful people that make horrible choices in their personal lives. I believe this is because of FOO issues or simply not being modeled the tools to cope, self soothe, and have strong boundaries.

 

We also abide by the golden rule, regardless of circumstances.

 

I don't teach these things so that my kids are judgemental or closed minded. I teach them so they are prepared. I feel that knowledge is power, and I want them to have the tools to make the best choices in life.

 

So if my husband cheated and left me for an OW... no bad mouthing would be needed.

 

My kids would absolutely judge their father and OWs behavior, because they have been raised to believe that cheating and infidelity, are wrong.

 

I'm sure their hearts would soften for their father, because they love him. It would definitely cause them to lose respect for him. I think they would tolerate OW, but I think it would take a long time for their feelings toward her to be positive.

 

Their feelings would not be MY fault, even if I did speak negatively about her. It would be natural consequence of the affair. You can't raise kids to believe that lying & cheating are wrong, and then expect them to be all accepting about it. That's just not realistic.

 

 

 

I love this post.

[Snowflower]

Absolutely. I couldn't care less that she hates me. But her ongoing bitterness has alienated her kids, and others who know her. There comes a point where rational people realise that the only one they're harming with their venom is themselves.

 

Okay, but just because a BW hates the OW in her situation does not mean that she walks around with all this anger at the world and the people in it, in general. Maybe the BW does in your situation, coco, but not all, or even most BW behave in that manner.

 

We all know people who are just angry at the world, are bitter, miserable, etc. Some people are just like that.

 

But there are many more who have a special loathing for people who have wronged them but outside of that, are generally happy, well-adjusted people with good relationships.

[So happy together]

You are worried about the mother/ daughter relationship??? NOW you care about their family?

 

Sounds more like you don't want the daughter to be influenced by her mother's negative opinion of you (which is likely the truth, from her perspective).

 

Judging the OW's actions negatively does not mean someone is holding onto anger. It can simply mean that the BW doesn't think OW is a good person. I don't judge based on race, religion, sexual orientation... but I judge actions. I don't want inconsiderate people to be a significant part of my life. Isn't it OK to weed them out, based on their actions towards others? If we see a family member acting in ways that go against our values, isn't it OK to point that out to our kids, as a teachable moment?

 

I tell my kids to avoid people that lie, cheat, steal. I point out when their friends or aquaintences engage in self destructive behavior. I model good coping skills. I emphasize the importance of honesty, integrity, credibility. I educate them on spotting unhealthy behaviors and defense mechanisms by pointing these out in my family members with character issues and personality disorders. My oldest knows all about rationalization, denial, self-love, brain chemistry, self medicating, etc.

 

I teach these things because I want them to be able to recognize people that aren't emotionally healthy. So many people end up in bad relationships because they are naive...they really don't know how many liars & messed up people are out there, and enter adulthood unprepared. There are so many smart, educated, successful people that make horrible choices in their personal lives. I believe this is because of FOO issues or simply not being modeled the tools to cope, self soothe, and have strong boundaries.

 

We also abide by the golden rule, regardless of circumstances.

 

I don't teach these things so that my kids are judgemental or closed minded. I teach them so they are prepared. I feel that knowledge is power, and I want them to have the tools to make the best choices in life.

 

So if my husband cheated and left me for an OW... no bad mouthing would be needed.

 

My kids would absolutely judge their father and OWs behavior, because they have been raised to believe that cheating and infidelity, are wrong.

 

I'm sure their hearts would soften for their father, because they love him. It would definitely cause them to lose respect for him. I think they would tolerate OW, but I think it would take a long time for their feelings toward her to be positive.

 

Their feelings would not be MY fault, even if I did speak negatively about her. It would be natural consequence of the affair. You can't raise kids to believe that lying & cheating are wrong, and then expect them to be all accepting about it. That's just not realistic.

 

Well, for me, I am not holding out hope that his daughter and I will be besties. When it comes to his daughter, I would hope she and her father can have a good relationship. If we can be okay in a room together, great.

 

If she's lost respect for him, it is the fallout of his actions. If she doesn't like me, it's the fallout of mine. I'm not blaming BS for this, I just wish she wouldn't lie about me to her daughter for the sake of their own relationship.

 

But this is OT.

 

Again, I asked a general question and the vultures circled. Whatever. I got the answer I was looking for. Thanks for your input. I appreciate it.

[So happy together]

Okay, but just because a BW hates the OW in her situation does not mean that she walks around with all this anger at the world and the people in it, in general. Maybe the BW does in your situation, coco, but not all, or even most BW behave in that manner.

 

We all know people who are just angry at the world, are bitter, miserable, etc. Some people are just like that.

 

But there are many more who have a special loathing for people who have wronged them but outside of that, are generally happy, well-adjusted people with good relationships.

 

This is the kind of response I was looking for. Just curious what I am looking at and trying to get a general view of what happens. I do not blame BS for being angry with me.

 

I should have known the thread was going to go this way, I was just looking for answers. I don't like being called names. I guess if I come off as cold or uncaring there isn't much I can do. I am not that type of person at all. I just try to take the major parts of passion out of my posts so that I don't come off as overemotional and unable to control myself. Sorry bout that.

[Robert]

Just a reminder that all the rules and guidelines apply to all posters here and on this thread, If you earn an infraction after this reminder then take it without complaint, thanks

[herenow]

Well, for me, I am not holding out hope that his daughter and I will be besties. When it comes to his daughter, I would hope she and her father can have a good relationship. If we can be okay in a room together, great.

 

If she's lost respect for him, it is the fallout of his actions. If she doesn't like me, it's the fallout of mine. I'm not blaming BS for this, I just wish she wouldn't lie about me to her daughter for the sake of their own relationship.

 

But this is OT.

 

Again, I asked a general question and the vultures circled. Whatever. I got the answer I was looking for. Thanks for your input. I appreciate it.

 

See the thing is, you have no part in her relationship with her daughter.

 

Your relationship with the MM stared with lies and deceit. How do you know that the BW even knows the real truth at all? You say she is lying, has she even been given the full truth? How do you know what she is telling her daughter anyway? Maybe the BW thinks what she is telling her daughter is the truth. Do you know exactly what you BF has told the BW? How can you know anything for sure?

[skylarblue]

Apologies,

 

Negativity was not meant towards you at all.

 

Appreciated and understood. Thank you.

[ladydesigner]

Okay, but just because a BW hates the OW in her situation does not mean that she walks around with all this anger at the world and the people in it, in general. Maybe the BW does in your situation, coco, but not all, or even most BW behave in that manner.

 

We all know people who are just angry at the world, are bitter, miserable, etc. Some people are just like that.

 

But there are many more who have a special loathing for people who have wronged them but outside of that, are generally happy, well-adjusted people with good relationships.

 

I think the bolded is me. I tend to hold onto the anger a little more to those who have wronged me . I have done this in the past as well, but all have been significant traumas (molested, raped, physical abuse, infidelity). As time goes by that anger and bitterness goes away and heals to indifference (hopefully). I do notice that my feelings toward MOW are becoming more empathetic as I am trudging out of this mess. I still hold her somewhat accountable for the destruction of my family, she is not an innocent bystander.

[Robert]

Rape is not the topic of this thread, posts about rape or comparing infidelity to rape don't belong on this thread.

[So happy together]

See the thing is, you have no part in her relationship with her daughter.

 

Your relationship with the MM stared with lies and deceit. How do you know that the BW even knows the real truth at all? You say she is lying, has she even been given the full truth? How do you know what she is telling her daughter anyway? Maybe the BW thinks what she is telling her daughter is the truth. Do you know exactly what you BF has told the BW? How can you know anything for sure?

 

Again, OT. This is not the question asked in the OP.

[herenow]

Again, OT. This is not the question asked in the OP.

 

Ok, I'm sorry. I was just reacting to your bringing up the BW's relationship with her daughter. Since this is your thread and you brought it up, I commented.

[jlola]

Well, for me, I am not holding out hope that his daughter and I will be besties. When it comes to his daughter, I would hope she and her father can have a good relationship. If we can be okay in a room together, great.

 

If she's lost respect for him, it is the fallout of his actions. If she doesn't like me, it's the fallout of mine. I'm not blaming BS for this, I just wish she wouldn't lie about me to her daughter for the sake of their own relationship.

 

But this is OT.

 

 

 

Isn't it ironic he stayed in the marriage for his daughter.Puts up with the wife for his daughter. Yet goes out and does the most destructive thing to guarentee there will be an end to the marriage anyway. An extremely ugly ,traumatic end?

 

This is why I cannot understand decisions made by WS who claim to be so unhappy at home,yet stay. . Are they that emotionally unaware of others feelings? they try to martyr themselves and stay the marriage so the child is not traumatized.. Then they lie,deceit and cheat and think that the child should not be marred when finding out their role model was a fraud.

[So happy together]

Ok, I'm sorry. I was just reacting to your bringing up the BW's relationship with her daughter. Since this is your thread and you brought it up, I commented.

 

I'm just trying to cut down on the verbal abuse that happened earlier in the thread.