Hating the OW/OM

[So happy together]

Isn't it ironic he stayed in the marriage for his daughter.Puts up with the wife for his daughter. Yet goes out and does the most destructive thing to guarentee there will be an end to the marriage anyway. An extremely ugly ,traumatic end?

 

This is why I cannot understand decisions made by WS who claim to be so unhappy at home,yet stay. . Are they that emotionally unaware of others feelings? they try to martyr themselves and stay the marriage so the child is not traumatized.. Then they lie,deceit and cheat and think that the child should not be marred when finding out their role model was a fraud.

 

I am trying to steer this back ON TOPIC. I appreciate your sentiments but for now, lets just address the OP. Thanks.

[herenow]

I'm just trying to cut down on the verbal abuse that happened earlier in the thread.

 

Don't know what you are talking about. But I already gave my opinion about your original question so t's all good.

[ComingInHot]

sohappy, wrote, "I'm not looking for you to agree or disagree. I'm simply looking at why BS's behave the way they do, as submitted in the OP."

 

Hey Happy* I think, at least here on LS, you have received quite a few responses that show the BS doesn't always act like the Wife of the man you had an A with. But from what you have described there are A-LOT more issues that the BW has that only she and her H will ever know why, that she acts with such blame and hatred towards you.

 

Not ALL BS's are blaming the AP MORE than their WS just like I have learned not ALL OW are crazy unstable stalkers like mine.

 

You and I just got "the pick of the litter" didn't we?

[So happy together]

sohappy, wrote, "I'm not looking for you to agree or disagree. I'm simply looking at why BS's behave the way they do, as submitted in the OP."

 

Hey Happy* I think, at least here on LS, you have received quite a few responses that show the BS doesn't always act like the Wife of the man you had an A with. But from what you have described there are A-LOT more issues that the BW has that only she and her H will ever know why, that she acts with such blame and hatred towards you.

 

Not ALL BS's are blaming the AP MORE than their WS just like I have learned not ALL OW are crazy unstable stalkers like mine.

 

You and I just got "the pick of the litter" didn't we?

 

It would appear that way, wouldn't it? Lol. I know that my situation is unique. I don't think stbxw is being malicious exactly, I don't know what she is feeling, and I don't know why more anger is directed at me than at her stbxh. That is why I asked... just trying to get a feel for why people feel that way. I by no means think that ALL BS's act that way toward OW, I was just trying to understand why it would happen. I'm not that type. I understand that everyone thinks I blame BS for the decline and death of the marriage, but I absolutely know he's part of it too. It is a relationship, it's never one sided.

 

Thanks for your post. I appreciate it.

[MissBee]

I think the flip side of this situation is, how can an OW hate a BS or constantly talk about this person, who doesn't know them and make all kinds of harsh judgments about them/why the A is occurring while being all googley-eyed over the cheating MM?

 

Same reason.

 

The OW is having a relationship with this person and has an investment, so has every reason to believe the best about them (rightly or wrongly), whereas they do not know the BS, so find it easier to lay any criticism of the situation at their feet versus at the feet of the one they want to be with.

[So happy together]

I think the flip side of this situation is, how can an OW hate a BS or constantly talk about this person, who doesn't know them and make all kinds of harsh judgments about them/why the A is occurring while being all googley-eyed over the cheating MM?

 

Same reason.

 

The OW is having a relationship with this person and has an investment, so has every reason to believe the best about them (rightly or wrongly), whereas they do not know the BS, so find it easier to lay any criticism of the situation at their feet versus at the feet of the one they want to be with.

 

Highly possible. I have said things about BS that my BF has shared. I say these things as his explanation for why he was unhappy. I try not to make judgements, but it's certainly not easy.

 

I do know though, that my BF played his part in the disintegration of the R. So does he.

 

I do blame her more though, I admit that. But really, I don't hate her or wish her ill. I just wish she would stop doing the things she does that are not a good thing for anyone. Such as the lies. The midnight drunken text messages. Other things too, bigger things, but I can't discuss them because it would give away too much info.

 

I am glad to hear that BS's that decide to stay with the MM make him take responsibility. That they don't just brush it under the rug.

[Athens]

When you willingly enter a relationship with a married person, you take a risk. That risk is the scorn, abuse whatever the BS heaps on you. Something to think about when you decide to tread in to that kind of territory. I had no choice of the pyscho my brought into my world, that was his doing. He is the one that risked it as are the OW that decide to enter a triangulated relationship.

[Mme. Chaucer]

This was discussed in another thread, and it was a T/J, so I thought I would broach it here and see what the responses were.

 

I was just wondering, and please, let's keep it friendly, why it is that a BS can forgive her WS, even if they make them work for it, but eventually do forgive them, but cannot ever forgive the OW/OM, and they take on the brunt of the blame until the end of time. I just don't understand it.

 

Maybe because she loved her husband and had a big investment in trying to maintain her marriage? And the "other woman," in her experience, is really only a cypher symbolizing the near loss of her marriage - but whom she cares nothing about in most cases?

 

For me, it would be more blame on my WS since he was the one that broke promises to me.

 

I don't think going down the "blame" path is worth much. Yes, her husband cheated and that is on HIM. It's between the two of them whether they are able to rebuild trust and go forward. The other woman really plays no role in that, as long as she's truly out of the picture. The thought of her will forever be a bad one for the wife.

[So happy together]

When you willingly enter a relationship with a married person, you take a risk. That risk is the scorn, abuse whatever the BS heaps on you. Something to think about when you decide to tread in to that kind of territory. I had no choice of the pyscho my brought into my world, that was his doing. He is the one that risked it as are the OW that decide to enter a triangulated relationship.

 

I agree with this. Great post.

[MissBee]

Highly possible. I have said things about BS that my BF has shared. I say these things as his explanation for why he was unhappy. I try not to make judgements, but it's certainly not easy.

 

I do know though, that my BF played his part in the disintegration of the R. So does he.

I do blame her more though, I admit that. But really, I don't hate her or wish her ill. I just wish she would stop doing the things she does that are not a good thing for anyone. Such as the lies. The midnight drunken text messages. Other things too, bigger things, but I can't discuss them because it would give away too much info.

 

I am glad to hear that BS's that decide to stay with the MM make him take responsibility. That they don't just brush it under the rug.

 

But why do you need to blame her when it wasn't your marriage? How can an outsider be entitled to blame in a relationship that isn't theirs? You can empathize with your bf, but to feel like you get to blame? I don't get that.

 

It's like me saying that I blame my boyfriend's ex for the disintegration of their relationship. Whether or not it was her fault....that is not any of my business. It wasn't my relationship and I don't get to blame her. He does. I can't blame my friend's boyfriend for their relationship issues, I can only empathize with her, but she gets to do the blaming. I think only the 2 people who were involved are entitled to lay blame on each other for their relationship...not their new partner or anyone else.

 

I suppose in triangulated relationships it gets pretty hard to know what is your business from what isn't. But I see it like this: you support your MM/bf but you don't get caught up and start blaming the BS or actively putting in your 2 cents about their relationship and its problems.

 

Unfortunately, a BS can indeed blame the OW for affecting her marriage or putting her 2 cents in, as the marriage was a pre-existing relationship that the OW has infringed upon (by" invitation" or not) but an OW doesn't have a leg to stand on re blaming the BS.The OW knows she is dating a man with obligations: emotional, legal, physical, moral etc to someone else and thus has to accept that since you're dating someone who is still married, it's like dating someone with unfinished business with their ex, except way worse because they are still married.

Edited April 24, 2013 by MissBee

[So happy together]

But why do you need to blame her when it wasn't your marriage? How can an outsider be entitled to blame in a relationship that isn't theirs? You can empathize with your bf, but to feel like you get to blame? I don't get that.

 

It's like me saying that I blame my boyfriend's ex for the disintegration of their relationship. Whether or not it was her fault....that is not any of my business. It wasn't my relationship and I don't get to blame her. He does. I can't blame my friend's boyfriend for their relationship issues, I can only empathize with her, but she gets to do the blaming. I think only the 2 people who were involved are entitled to lay blame on each other for their relationship...not their new partner or anyone else.

 

I suppose in triangulated relationships it gets pretty hard to know what is your business from what isn't. But I see it like this: you support your MM/bf but you don't get caught up and start blaming the BS or actively putting in your 2 cents about their relationship and its problems.

 

Unfortunately, a BS can indeed blame the OW for affecting her marriage or putting her 2 cents in, as the marriage was a pre-existing relationship that the OW has infringed upon (by" invitation" or not) but an OW doesn't have a leg to stand on re blaming the BS.The OW knows she is dating a man with obligations: emotional, legal, physical, moral etc to someone else and thus has to accept that since you're dating someone who is still married, it's like dating someone with unfinished business with their ex, except way worse because they are still married.

 

 

I do understand what you are saying. I want to reiterate here that I do not blame her to anyone: her daughter, my BF, mutual friends, etc. I am very careful to never, ever speak ill of her. That is why I am here. I feel that this is the place where I can anonymously vent.

[MissBee]

I do understand what you are saying. I want to reiterate here that I do not blame her to anyone: her daughter, my BF, mutual friends, etc. I am very careful to never, ever speak ill of her. That is why I am here. I feel that this is the place where I can anonymously vent.

 

Okay gotcha.

 

I haven't really dated anyone whose ex/SO was a bother to my life, so I don't know how I'd handle it. My knee jerk reaction is to say I wouldn't, not for very long anyway. If you're caught up with your ex to the point it bothers me, it's a red flag. In the A his SO didn't bother me and when dating single guys they have never had exes they've been intertwined with, to the point, I felt I needed to complain about it. So I truly don't know what to make of it...except to say, hopefully your bf handles things so it doesn't become/remain a continued source of tension for you two.

[So happy together]

Okay gotcha.

 

I haven't really dated anyone whose ex/SO was a bother to my life, so I don't know how I'd handle it. My knee jerk reaction is to say I wouldn't, not for very long anyway. If you're caught up with your ex to the point it bothers me, it's a red flag. In the A his SO didn't bother me and when dating single guys they have never had exes they've been intertwined with, to the point, I felt I needed to complain about it. So I truly don't know what to make of it...except to say, hopefully your bf handles things so it doesn't become/remain a continued source of tension for you two.

 

Thank you. He's really good about protecting me from most of it, actually. I am just hoping that, since the split is relatively new, it will die down in the next few months.

[Finally Settled]

My exwife had an irrational hatred of my other woman and it grew more and more as I refused to join her in that hatred. When my other woman ended the affair she never made further contact and at no time did she act like a bunny boiler. I was quite clear with my exwife that I had pursued the affair and that the responsibility for my actions were my own. I believe she needed to have someone to turn her anger and hurt to. If she allowed herself to accept I was the source of her pain there was no way she could proceed with reconciliation.

 

You will all be glad to know that she found her way. The blame and all of it's accessories have been placed squarely on my shoulders.

[So happy together]

My exwife had an irrational hatred of my other woman and it grew more and more as I refused to join her in that hatred. When my other woman ended the affair she never made further contact and at no time did she act like a bunny boiler. I was quite clear with my exwife that I had pursued the affair and that the responsibility for my actions were my own. I believe she needed to have someone to turn her anger and hurt to. If she allowed herself to accept I was the source of her pain there was no way she could proceed with reconciliation.

 

You will all be glad to know that she found her way. The blame and all of it's accessories have been placed squarely on my shoulders.

 

I certainly don't think it is ALL your fault. I think each person in the relationship has their blame to take. Whatever the wife and husband did to not nurture their R. The WS especially for seeking someone else while still married, the OW for taking up with someone who was M. These are just a few of the plethora of reasons. It is never any one persons fault.

 

I hope you've found some peace. I am sorry, I don't know much about you. What happened in the end? Did you divorce because of the affair? My BF didn't throw me under the bus either, he's been really good to protect me from the fallout. If he ended it, I would go away. I would not make things worse for him. His happiness matters to me, whatever that is.

[Finally Settled]

I certainly don't think it is ALL your fault. I think each person in the relationship has their blame to take. Whatever the wife and husband did to not nurture their R. The WS especially for seeking someone else while still married, the OW for taking up with someone who was M. These are just a few of the plethora of reasons. It is never any one persons fault.

 

I hope you've found some peace. I am sorry, I don't know much about you. What happened in the end? Did you divorce because of the affair? My BF didn't throw me under the bus either, he's been really good to protect me from the fallout. If he ended it, I would go away. I would not make things worse for him. His happiness matters to me, whatever that is.

 

I agree that both my exwife and I let our marriage become what it had, but the decision to engage in the affair was completely my doing and all responsibility falls to me.

 

I have found some peace, but even that comes hand in hand with guilt. I am still receiving professional help to find my way through it all successfully.

 

I reconciled with my exwife and for four years I tried. My intentions were to reconcile and spend my life with her, but as time went by I became less and less engaged with the process. I did what I should have done years before and left the marriage. My divorce is final and I am now happily back in a relationship with my other woman.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

[So happy together]

I agree that both my exwife and I let our marriage become what it had, but the decision to engage in the affair was completely my doing and all responsibility falls to me.

 

I have found some peace, but even that comes hand in hand with guilt. I am still receiving professional help to find my way through it all successfully.

 

I reconciled with my exwife and for four years I tried. My intentions were to reconcile and spend my life with her, but as time went by I became less and less engaged with the process. I did what I should have done years before and left the marriage. My divorce is final and I am now happily back in a relationship with my other woman.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

I am glad you found happiness. My bf struggles with the guilt too. But he is happier than he has ever been. With me.

[Finally Settled]

I am glad you found happiness. My bf struggles with the guilt too. But he is happier than he has ever been. With me.

 

Never underestimate the guilt So happy together. I have moments when it feels all consuming, and others where it merely lingers. I would advise you make sure he shares it with you when he's struggling the most.

 

I'm glad you're both happy and long may it continue.

[Finally Settled]

Did that upset her even more that after four years you went back to the OW?

 

It may have upset her more, but we were in a far different place. Through our work in reconciling we had learned how to communicate in a far more effective way. We both had gone back to the weaknesses and strengths in our marriage that were in place before the affair. We had been working on the things that had made our marriage weak and as stated above, a primary thing being able to communicate specific things to one another.

 

By the time I had chosen to end our marriage we were openly talking about our best efforts appearing to fall short. She wanted us to remain in the marriage even with the knowledge neither was actually happy within it. I wanted to move forward with my life and hope that she would too.

 

As an aside, I did not go back to my other woman. I left my exwife and continued work on myself. It was close to a year after that I saw my other woman. My decision was for myself and would have stood had I never spoken to my other woman again.

[So happy together]

I know that my wife dislikes the OW, and I do too. definitely not hate on either of our parts, but what do you expect? Why wouldn't a BS dislike the OW/WS? I know that during the early months after DDay, my wife couldn't stand my guts. However, I showed her/continue to show her every day that I am willing to do anything to show my love and earn her trust. I asked for her forgiveness and go the extra mile to show her that I deserve it (yes, deserve it). But like I said, I don't think, for us, that there is any hate on our end. Dislike, maybe a strong dislike, yes, but hate is a very powerful word and I don't hate anyone. I hate the things I've done, but not an individul person. Personally, though, I guess that i think BS' should be able to dislike/hate (if they so choose) the people that hurt them....

 

As OP, I just wanted to let you know that my question wasn't one of judgement either way. I just wondered about the dynamic. However you and your wife feel is yours to do. I hope things get better for you and your BS as you've decided to make things work. Happiness matters.

Edited April 24, 2013 by So happy together

[waterwoman]

It may have upset her more, but we were in a far different place. Through our work in reconciling we had learned how to communicate in a far more effective way. We both had gone back to the weaknesses and strengths in our marriage that were in place before the affair. We had been working on the things that had made our marriage weak and as stated above, a primary thing being able to communicate specific things to one another.

 

By the time I had chosen to end our marriage we were openly talking about our best efforts appearing to fall short. She wanted us to remain in the marriage even with the knowledge neither was actually happy within it. I wanted to move forward with my life and hope that she would too.

 

As an aside, I did not go back to my other woman. I left my exwife and continued work on myself. It was close to a year after that I saw my other woman. My decision was for myself and would have stood had I never spoken to my other woman again.

 

Finally settled- you seem to have done the best you could with the situation that arose and taken responsibility. Are you still on good terms with your wife? Is she finally settled too?