Hating the OW/OM

[So happy together]

I want you all to know that I think your answers are really insightful. And very different for each.

 

I asked because I was trying to defend myself yesterday against AthiestScholar... and another... we were discussing this. I feel I got defensive and went about it the wrong way.

 

I am an OW who is now in a full time R with MM, who left his stbxw four months ago. I have to be honest here and say that she has several issues, substance abuse, etc. This makes it easy for me to judge her. I know you probably think I don't have the right, but I have done so. I hate the way my BF was treated when he was with her. I hate the things she did, and is doing now.

 

But the thing I noticed about my situation specifically is that she did not care about the misery she caused my BF for years and years, leaving him lonely, upset, sad, isolated. She didn't have much to do with the raising of their daughter. He was the one that took care of her. He was afraid to leave for fear that he would not be able to see or be there for his daughter as he had been and didn't know what the effects of living with an alcoholic mother would be. So, once his daughter was raised (she is mid twenties) he left. But now... now that he's gone, suddenly she is distraught. She doesn't know how she'll pay the bills (she has a nursing degree) she doesn't know what to do about the house, how does she start the lawn mower? Why doesn't he just get over it and come home. These are the things she says. But never once in the last four months has she said she misses HIM. Or that she loves him. It is all about money, or someone taking care of her. She did not care at all that he was miserable for 15 years, and suddenly, when he finally leaves, she wants him to hurry home, and it is all my fault as I have (as she put it) seduced him away from her.

 

This is why I asked, really. She is willing to just forget all about his affair (he's not going back) but she has placed ALL of the blame squarely on me.

 

I'm not disputing the fact that I had a part in the affair, as I was his AP, but I guess I just don't get why she would be more pissed at me, when he betrayed her. I guess the misplaced anger thing makes some sense. I will be truthful in saying that I do feel sorry for her. I'm sure she was blindsided and never thought he would leave. But I also sort of don't because she brought it on herself, and so did he, by neglecting the relationship. I don't really care if she hates me forever, no love lost. I just wonder why she deflects the blame so much.

[HonestNeurotic]

I think that it's not all one way or the other. BS's blaming or not blaming OW's more than the WS or whatever combination of the players involved.

 

It's really just how people react when they're really angry and/or hurt. Different people deal with things differently. I think it's also hard to gauge the reactions and actions of any BS as there are certainly OW's that are going out of their way to make things nasty for everyone.

 

No matter whether there is an affair or not, some ex's, just do not want to take NO for an answer. Some of the BS's stories here are indicative of that. Others show more class and bow out "gracefully". Though inside, they are so angry. And some of the BS's won't leave an OW alone.

 

So, I rather think/feel/see that we deal with this kind of rage/anger/betrayal/rejection the same as we would other kinds of incidents in our lives, as our personalities dictate.

 

Plus, sincerely, we come HERE for a reason. Something bothered us, or we probably wouldn't be here.

 

IMHO - as always.

[So happy together]

It does make sense. Never have I denied culpability. I agree I was party to some of her pain. But not the majority of it. I guess I just wondered if maybe it was just easier to blame me. And I did take things personally the other day because it felt like I was being attacked.

 

The thing is, I honestly do not care if she hates me forever. I really don't. She's never going to be one of my favorite people either.

 

I am really glad to hear from others that people don't just reconcile with their H and pretend it never happened.

[Decorative]

I want you all to know that I think your answers are really insightful. And very different for each.

 

I asked because I was trying to defend myself yesterday against AthiestScholar... and another... we were discussing this. I feel I got defensive and went about it the wrong way.

 

I am an OW who is now in a full time R with MM, who left his stbxw four months ago. I have to be honest here and say that she has several issues, substance abuse, etc. This makes it easy for me to judge her. I know you probably think I don't have the right, but I have done so. I hate the way my BF was treated when he was with her. I hate the things she did, and is doing now.

 

But the thing I noticed about my situation specifically is that she did not care about the misery she caused my BF for years and years, leaving him lonely, upset, sad, isolated. She didn't have much to do with the raising of their daughter. He was the one that took care of her. He was afraid to leave for fear that he would not be able to see or be there for his daughter as he had been and didn't know what the effects of living with an alcoholic mother would be. So, once his daughter was raised (she is mid twenties) he left. But now... now that he's gone, suddenly she is distraught. She doesn't know how she'll pay the bills (she has a nursing degree) she doesn't know what to do about the house, how does she start the lawn mower? Why doesn't he just get over it and come home. These are the things she says. But never once in the last four months has she said she misses HIM. Or that she loves him. It is all about money, or someone taking care of her. She did not care at all that he was miserable for 15 years, and suddenly, when he finally leaves, she wants him to hurry home, and it is all my fault as I have (as she put it) seduced him away from her.

 

This is why I asked, really. She is willing to just forget all about his affair (he's not going back) but she has placed ALL of the blame squarely on me.

 

I'm not disputing the fact that I had a part in the affair, as I was his AP, but I guess I just don't get why she would be more pissed at me, when he betrayed her. I guess the misplaced anger thing makes some sense. I will be truthful in saying that I do feel sorry for her. I'm sure she was blindsided and never thought he would leave. But I also sort of don't because she brought it on herself, and so did he, by neglecting the relationship. I don't really care if she hates me forever, no love lost. I just wonder why she deflects the blame so much.

 

Have you spoken to her directly?

 

How do you know she places all of the blame directly on you? Did she say that specifically to you?

 

I think you mean well. I do. But to an outsider- you seem focused on what she did wrong in her marriage. And gently- you weren't there. You do not know the dysfunctional dance they chose to dance.

 

I would try and let as much of your energy towards her as you can drop away. You do not have all of the information. You are expending energy making decisions based on insights you cannot have.

 

And you and your MM have a pressing issue with his daughter.

 

So please- stop talking about all the awful things she did and why she deserves this. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. You two injured her. He could have left her long before- and you said you two waited 18 years. There was time.

 

I want you to have a more peaceful life. But as an observer- your postings seem to vibrate with anxiety and upset over this. I think you feel worse about this than you are admitting. And I think that might be why you focus on her.

 

Just consider that. And know that it is said from a place of concern.

[So happy together]

So it appears you place more blame on her for the death of their marriage than him? Why?

 

They both in the marriage 50/50 right? She couldn't have done it without his enabling her alcoholism. He always had the right and the obligation to his child not to be in that situation....yet he stayed (it doesn't matter whether that was a wrong or right choice for him) but he stayed. Answer that question for yourself.....that might be the best answer you will ever get.

 

I actually don't hold one more responsible for the death of the marriage than another. It is their marriage, not mine. I was just trying to explain the reasons he gave for staying. I wasn't in the middle of their marriage, so I honestly don't know. He usually just says it was a relationship that wasn't meant to be, and they were not compatible. He owns his part in the failure. She doesn't, but I think in time, when she is less angry, that she will.

 

I will tell you, one thing that the affair did was give her an excuse to blame him for everything. Which, while it's not great for him, is really bad for her, because she'll never grow from the experience. She'll think she did nothing.

[herenow]

I actually don't hold one more responsible for the death of the marriage than another. It is their marriage, not mine. I was just trying to explain the reasons he gave for staying. I wasn't in the middle of their marriage, so I honestly don't know. He usually just says it was a relationship that wasn't meant to be, and they were not compatible. He owns his part in the failure. She doesn't, but I think in time, when she is less angry, that she will.

 

I will tell you, one thing that the affair did was give her an excuse to blame him for everything. Which, while it's not great for him, is really bad for her, because she'll never grow from the experience. She'll think she did nothing.

 

The problem is that he didn't leave before he had the affair. He made the choice to lie and deceive instead of ending a bad marriage and moving on. That is where they differ. He could have been honest, but chose to lie. He could have left, but chose to stay and have an affair. He is the only one to blame. If the BW should only blame the MM, then why shouldn't the OW see that he is the one to blame as well?

[eleanorrigby]

(so tired of explaining this, I might just put it in my signature)

 

I didn't blame the OW more then my husband. She has her own special blame, all to herself for hooking up with him knowing he was married.

 

They both get their own specific blame for what they specifically did that I felt caused me harm.

[So happy together]

I simply meant that since he did have an affair she puts no blame on herself for the relationship failing. She'll never grow from the experience. He will. She doesn't really blame him, a little, but mostly she just blames me and says I 'stole him away'.

 

I just wondered what her thought process was.

[lynn1954]

I want you all to know that I think your answers are really insightful. And very different for each.

 

I asked because I was trying to defend myself yesterday against AthiestScholar... and another... we were discussing this. I feel I got defensive and went about it the wrong way.

 

I am an OW who is now in a full time R with MM, who left his stbxw four months ago. I have to be honest here and say that she has several issues, substance abuse, etc. This makes it easy for me to judge her. I know you probably think I don't have the right, but I have done so. I hate the way my BF was treated when he was with her. I hate the things she did, and is doing now.

 

But the thing I noticed about my situation specifically is that she did not care about the misery she caused my BF for years and years, leaving him lonely, upset, sad, isolated. She didn't have much to do with the raising of their daughter. He was the one that took care of her. He was afraid to leave for fear that he would not be able to see or be there for his daughter as he had been and didn't know what the effects of living with an alcoholic mother would be. So, once his daughter was raised (she is mid twenties) he left. But now... now that he's gone, suddenly she is distraught. She doesn't know how she'll pay the bills (she has a nursing degree) she doesn't know what to do about the house, how does she start the lawn mower? Why doesn't he just get over it and come home. These are the things she says. But never once in the last four months has she said she misses HIM. Or that she loves him. It is all about money, or someone taking care of her. She did not care at all that he was miserable for 15 years, and suddenly, when he finally leaves, she wants him to hurry home, and it is all my fault as I have (as she put it) seduced him away from her.

 

This is why I asked, really. She is willing to just forget all about his affair (he's not going back) but she has placed ALL of the blame squarely on me.

 

I'm not disputing the fact that I had a part in the affair, as I was his AP, but I guess I just don't get why she would be more pissed at me, when he betrayed her. I guess the misplaced anger thing makes some sense. I will be truthful in saying that I do feel sorry for her. I'm sure she was blindsided and never thought he would leave. But I also sort of don't because she brought it on herself, and so did he, by neglecting the relationship. I don't really care if she hates me forever, no love lost. I just wonder why she deflects the blame so much.

 

Okay, this additonal info changes your generalized question "Why do BS forgive spouse and hate OW" into a question re: your specific situation.

 

An alcoholic and/or mentally unstable person often cannot draw a logical conclusion, cannot treat another person in a fair or decent way, cannot base their emotions on facts, cannot accurately interpret another person's actions, cannot accurately guess another person's motivation, cannot reach the same opinion that a sober or mentally healthy person would reach, etc, etc, etc.

[So happy together]

(so tired of explaining this, I might just put it in my signature)

 

I didn't blame the OW more then my husband. She has her own special blame, all to herself for hooking up with him knowing he was married.

 

They both get their own specific blame for what they specifically did that I felt caused me harm.

 

Now THIS makes more sense.

[herenow]

Yes....I can see how you cannot not know what really happened in the marriage...only what he perceives and relays. I always feel that's all a person outside of the marriage can know.

 

The tone of all your posts explaining her treatment of him, her degree, her not saying she wants him.....to me contradicts your assertion of not assigning blame to one more than the other. As I have seen here before.

 

Right. How about we talk about how he treated her. Do you know what he was like while with her? Was she always an alcoholic? Or, did she acquire that addiction as his wife? Did he know she had an addictive personality and push her to drink? He certainly enabled her. You will never know because you only know what he tells you.

Edited April 23, 2013 by herenow

[MissBee]

Lots of people already gave reasons why a BS may forgive a spouse but not an OW/OM, so I won't reiterate.

 

However, I would just put on the table the question: Why does it matter to an OW/OM if he/she is forgiven by the BS?

 

If one didn't know or have a relationship with the BS, then what does it matter if they forgive you or even hate you? Unless the BS is harassing you, their private disdain is of little consequence.

 

When I was the OW, there was no dday. However, if there were, I wouldn't be too worried about her hating me/not forgiving me.

[So happy together]

My take on my situation is that the other woman is, well, I won't say here what I think of her...suffice it to say she is not my favourite person, and I am fine with that...

 

It's may sound really weird, but my other take on it is this....

 

Even though my husband's cheating was due to issues that aren't really about me or our marriage ( this was confirmed by him, the counsellors/ psychiatrists, etc. that we saw afterwards) I was able to forgive him...rage reason is that I know him, I know what type of person he is and that was genuinely sorry...his ex other woman? Before their affair, I didn't know her...she didn't know me. She knew he was married, she knew who I was, but that was it...what in heck did I ever do to her to make her invade my life like t his ( she was not your typical average other woman...she was, and still is, a serial other woman)

 

Anyway, why does it matter if a betrayed spouse wants to blame the other man/woman, their spouse, or anything else? Once the affair is over and done with, they should be a nonentity in the other person's life...

 

I also find it quite ironic that the same one's who lament how " judgemental" some betrayed spouses are have little problem judging betrayed spouses, telling them who they should blame for the affair, and how they should feel...

 

With all due respect, that is not for anyone else to say

 

 

I am not telling you who to blame or not blame. I'm just wondering the thought process behind it. It doesn't make much sense to me. But you're right, it's not for me to say. I am not a BS. If she blames me, so be it. I'm losing nothing. I just wondered why it was easier to forgive the WS than the OP. I've received lots of answers and for that I am grateful. I appreciate the insight.

 

Although I will say, it does bother me when people tell me I shouldn't have engaged in an affair when it is over and there is nothing I can do to change it. Whether I would do it again, or whether I have regrets, that is my business, I suppose, but to sit and say I shouldn't have, it's too late.

 

I don't think OW invaded your life so much as she was invited. By your H.

 

I have never met BS, nor have I had a conversation with her. As soon as the affair was found out, my BF left the marriage. To be fair, it was over long before I became involved in his affair.

 

I appreciate your thoughts and insight.

[So happy together]

Lots of people already gave reasons why a BS may forgive a spouse but not an OW/OM, so I won't reiterate.

 

However, I would just put on the table the question: Why does it matter to an OW/OM if he/she is forgiven by the BS?

 

If one didn't know or have a relationship with the BS, then what does it matter if they forgive you or even hate you? Unless the BS is harassing you, their private disdain is of little consequence.

 

When I was the OW, there was no dday. However, if there were, I wouldn't be too worried about her hating me/not forgiving me.

 

Just curiosity, Miss Bee.

[whichwayisup]

This was discussed in another thread, and it was a T/J, so I thought I would broach it here and see what the responses were.

 

I was just wondering, and please, let's keep it friendly, why it is that a BS can forgive her WS, even if they make them work for it, but eventually do forgive them, but cannot ever forgive the OW/OM, and they take on the brunt of the blame until the end of time. I just don't understand it.

 

For me, it would be more blame on my WS since he was the one that broke promises to me. I understand that BS would feel that the OM/OW is to blame also, but it seems they get MORE blame than the WS.

 

Thoughts?

 

The BS doesn't know the OW/OM. Why should they give the OW/OM any thought? When you think about it, the OW/OM didn't give any thought or consideration to the BS while having an A with MM/MW.

 

Most BS's put some blame, not all on the OW/OM. Rarely have I seen a BS put ALL the blame or most of the blame on them. Much of the blame is put on the WS.. Maybe first reaction is to put blame mostly OW/OM but as time goes on that quickly changes. WS certainly is 100% at fault with his/her spouse, but an OW/OM knows going in that the person is married. UNLESS they don't, then of course the WS is all to blame.

[So happy together]

See, this is what bugs me ( I know you probably don't realize just how invasive she was...it went on for years after an affair that only lasted less than four months, and it wasn't towards him, it was me and,y kids....we never invited her into our lives, and her actions are all on her...she blames me for her unhappiness)

 

Okay. I'm not denying that she is insane. Clearly that is completely out of line, affair or not. That would scare the crap out of me. But the truth is, she would not be in your life at all if your H hadn't slept with her for those four months. It is pretty dang scary though, she sounds like a bunny boiler. I would never do that. I've never had contact with my bf's stbxw. And I wouldn't I also would not say negative things about her (except here, where it's safe to vent). I would not want her to look bad, or feel any worse than she already does.

 

I'm sorry you have/had to deal with a bunny boiler. You should get a restraining order.

[jlola]

I don't know how often it is that the BW puts the blame or most of it on the OW. I think for those who do, it's easier to blame a person that they don't know or have a history or connection with. They may find a (false) sense of security in the M/H by faulting the OW and believing the A happened only because of her. It may be easier or the only way for some to be able to forgive, reconcile, or get through the infidelity by believing/convincing themselves that the OW is the villain and the H is the victim, that their H isn't the type of person that's capable of freely choosing to do that (therefore making it all her fault).

 

I think most OW are the ones initially blaming the person they don't know or have a history or connection with.

 

I rarely see the OW talking up the spouse. In fact even on this forum I see OW saying things about the spouse they really have not witnessed. Bad parents, uncaring spouse,alcoholics,selfish,non sexual, greedy whatever. Also I feel OW may subconsciously think they are better than the wife. "He loves me" not her!! "We are compatible, they are not"

 

Whatever shortcomings the MM claims the wife has, they think they are the opposite. No matter how many people deny it, it is sort of a competition. Though they may not call it that. Before dday, many OW are hating on BS in their own way.

 

I wonder why the OW thinks they deserve a pass by the BS who is probably giving her husband more hell than you will ever know. Years of it probably. Answering questions,going to therapy,making him accountable for his time etc. OW are going through none of that.

 

Don't know about you, but if a person was willing to help someone do to me(a stranger) what they themslves would find disrespectfu,unacceptable, and hurtful. I would feel very upset. The message is, I do not matter. I am a non-person to them. My feelings,my children's feelings,my future, my finances means nothing to them.

 

Just because they are not the ones doing the act, the fact they would not tolerate someone else doing it to them what they will help someone do to me lets me know what they think of me.Their feelings matter,their pride matters,their heart matters,their ego matters. Not mine. And I should not be a wee bit upset with them for acting like I am a non-person with no feelings.

 

Analogy is , I fear getting raped . Because I know it will be soul destroying,humiliating,will leave me with mental scars,etc. But if I see someone being raped, I stay on the lookout for the perpetrator,willing to lie and hide the secret. As long as it's not happening to me and I am not a participant, no problem.Why should I take any responsibility? Besides, I don't have feelings for the victim and really cannot empathize with her since it's not happening to me. She should be able to understand that!

[So happy together]

I think most OW are the ones initially blaming the person they don't know or have a history or connection with.

 

I rarely see the OW talking up the spouse. In fact even on this forum I see OW saying things about the spouse they really have not witnessed. Bad parents, uncaring spouse,alcoholics,selfish,non sexual, greedy whatever. Also I feel OW may subconsciously think they are better than the wife. "He loves me" not her!! "We are compatible, they are not"

 

Whatever shortcomings the MM claims the wife has, they think they are the opposite. No matter how many people deny it, it is sort of a competition. Though they may not call it that. Before dday, many OW are hating on BS in their own way.

 

I wonder why the OW thinks they deserve a pass by the BS who is probably giving her husband more hell than you will ever know. Years of it probably. Answering questions,going to therapy,making him accountable for his time etc. OW are going through none of that.

 

Don't know about you, but if a person was willing to help someone do to me(a stranger) what they themslves would find disrespectfu,unacceptable, and hurtful. I would feel very upset. The message is, I do not matter. I am a non-person to them. My feelings,my children's feelings,my future, my finances means nothing to them.

 

Just because they are not the ones doing the act, the fact they would not tolerate someone else doing it to them what they will help someone do to me lets me know what they think of me.Their feelings matter,their pride matters,their heart matters,their ego matters. Not mine. And I should not be a wee bit upset with them for acting like I am a non-person with no feelings.

 

Analogy is , I fear getting raped . Because I know it will be soul destroying,humiliating,will leave me with mental scars,etc. But if I see someone being raped, I stay on the lookout for the perpetrator,willing to lie and hide the secret. As long as it's not happening to me and I am not a participant, no problem.Why should I take any responsibility? Besides, I don't have feelings for the victim and really cannot empathize with her since it's not happening to me. She should be able to understand that!

 

I just don't like these analogies. I do not feel like I was the lookout while my bf raped his stbxw. Give me a break.

[ThatJustHappened]

I am not telling you who to blame or not blame. I'm just wondering the thought process behind it. It doesn't make much sense to me. But you're right, it's not for me to say. I am not a BS. If she blames me, so be it. I'm losing nothing. I just wondered why it was easier to forgive the WS than the OP. I've received lots of answers and for that I am grateful. I appreciate the insight.

 

Although I will say, it does bother me when people tell me I shouldn't have engaged in an affair when it is over and there is nothing I can do to change it. Whether I would do it again, or whether I have regrets, that is my business, I suppose, but to sit and say I shouldn't have, it's too late.

 

I don't think OW invaded your life so much as she was invited. By your H.

 

I have never met BS, nor have I had a conversation with her. As soon as the affair was found out, my BF left the marriage. To be fair, it was over long before I became involved in his affair.

 

I appreciate your thoughts and insight.

 

It takes two to tango. Whether the OW in anyone's situation was the pursued or the pursuer, she did not have to say yes. Nobody forced her to sleep with a married man. If she was invited, she could have said no. She chose to say yes and is therefore just as much to blame as the husband.

 

Do you say yes to every man who flirts with you?

[So happy together]

It takes two to tango. Whether the OW in anyone's situation was the pursued or the pursuer, she did not have to say yes. Nobody forced her to sleep with a married man. If she was invited, she could have said no. She chose to say yes and is therefore just as much to blame as the husband.

 

Do you say yes to every man who flirts with you?

 

according to several here, OW is less important because they don't know her, she is a non entity. So, if that is true, why would the BS not also be a non entity to the OW?

 

The husband promised to be faithful. I am not in a R with the BS.

[ThatJustHappened]

according to several here, OW is less important because they don't know her, she is a non entity. So, if that is true, why would the BS not also be a non entity to the OW?

 

The husband promised to be faithful. I am not in a R with the BS.

 

The OW has the opportunity to make the choice to disregard the MM's wife. The BS doesn't have a choice in the matter. That automatically makes her important.

 

If the MM robbed a bank and the OW drove the getaway car, would she be completely innocent just because she wasn't inside the bank?

 

The OW is a knowing accomplice to wrongdoing. The BS is not.

 

Again, do you say yes to every man who flirts with you? The OW could say no when she finds out that the MM is married. She chooses to engage. Therefore she is also doing something wrong.

[So happy together]

It shouldn't bother you for people to point it out, unless you have an issue taking culpability in an action you know wasn't very ethical.

 

And its never "too late" to acknowledge error. People are supposed to continually analyze their actions and learn/grow from them so that they don't repeat mistakes, and lessen pain from former mistakes.

 

Part of why you may feel attacked is because some people suspect you may not acknowledge how your actions helped make the situation even more damaging. Furthermore, when they see you encourage others (ie: he left for me, don't give up, your mm could leave too) they wonder if not only do you refuse culpability but inspire others to have this same hurtful attitude and engage in hurtful behaviors.

 

As a BS I had to acknowledge that my exH was able to cheat a second time because I didn't give him severe enough consequence the first time. I had to reflect, analyze, learn and grow: OWN my very painful part in the damage. Anyone who isn't doing in the LEAST this is a danger to themselves and others.

 

But it does happen. If I could make it so that we got together after he'd left? I probably would. But, it didn't happen that way. It didn't happen to the poster that I said that to, either.

 

I am happy in my R. I felt attacked in the other thread because I was being attacked personally. Say what you will, I was.

 

So, that is why I made this thread, so that I can get a picture of what the MS is thinking. I'm glad I did it.

[thefooloftheyear]

The BS has a right to inflict wrath of anger to any WS(again, if there was no way the OWOM knew the WS was M, then they essentially should get a pass).

 

That being said, there are degrees I suppose. There is the pursuing, trolling, WS that secretly sets up dating profiles and is constantly on the make. An OW falling for that type of behavior happens all the time. Still, if they know the person is M, then its in their best interest to move on. This type of OW/OM might feel bad for invading the BS territory but finds themselves in love and that wins out.

 

Then you have the pursuing OW/OM that hears the M story and could care less. they are on a mission or have some other agenda(THEY want the sex/companionship?). They may feel that they will eventually win that M person over or frankly dont care how it turns out. They are in the game to satisfy their own needs. They dont give two shyts about the BS and in fact mock and belittle the BS.

 

I would imagine the BS is going to be more hateful of the pursuing variety. The problem with that is who do you believe? Sure, the WS is going to say they got their arm twisted no matter if they did or not. But some of those WS are actually telling the truth. Still doesnt make it right to partake.

 

Using the drug dealer analogy I used previously, I was big into the NYC club scene in the early 80's. I was never a drug user as I was always into fitness and athletics. I even worked the door at some of these joints. Anyway, it was easy to see how someone who wouldnt normally get caught up in drugs could wind up in trouble. Coke dealers would give you the stuff to get you hooked. if you had a weakness, you fell for it. I suppose same could be said for people who may not be actually looking for an A, but if someone serves it up on a silver platter, then they fall...

 

NOT justifying it, at the end of the day, sure, its up to the WS to choose not to participiate and realize the consequences of their actions. No one has a right to tell a BS how to dole out their anger. Its their deal...

 

TFY

Edited April 23, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[waterwoman]

OP- you are laying out the logical view. Of course logic dictates the WS is most to blame, of course the OW/OM is just incidental, but logic has f### all to do with it at the time. For the first few weeks I hated the OW like poison! Illogical? Who cares? It saved me from hating h when I was busy trying to cope with my new reality and include a hugely remorseful h in that reality.

 

I have been through various phases regarding OW, from hate, indifference, a anger, sympathy. Maybe I am using her as a scapegoat, a release valve. But guess what? She won't know, even assuming she cared, so no harm done. If I went after to tell her what I feel it might hurt her, but I won't do that.

 

H is the one who is dealing with my emotions day to day, making changes as we slowly and painfully with towards reconciliation. He's been to hell and back with me, as he should be.

 

There is simply NO comparison between my expectations of him and of her. She has got off lightly, in fact I believe she has split of with her supposedly abusive h so she's benefited I guess. Good luck to her <shrug>I am aiming for indifference towards her.

[thefooloftheyear]

But it does happen. If I could make it so that we got together after he'd left? I probably would. But, it didn't happen that way. It didn't happen to the poster that I said that to, either.

 

I am happy in my R. I felt attacked in the other thread because I was being attacked personally. Say what you will, I was.

 

So, that is why I made this thread, so that I can get a picture of what the MS is thinking. I'm glad I did it.

 

With all due respect, S-H-T, realize what section of this forum you are posting in.

 

You could be a completely lovely woman, but frankly your prosthelytizing is coming across like a drunk at an AA meeting.

 

Tighten up the chinstrap, thats all...

 

TFY