3 months on...

[Steen719]

Thank you Steen

 

it has taken me some time to get my head around my lifestyle change, ive always been very fortunate even as a child...i try to look at it in that of course ive been very lucky in my lifetime so far. The fact that i know what its like to have nice things, will make me try to achieve them again "just in a more tailored way to my new lifestyle" i already value things more and am getting enjoyment out of simple things...so yes not much to do but except it hey

 

Im sorry to hear what you have been going through too, not sure what your relationship was like before you broke up, but that's another thing i find hard to get my head around...the coldness

i hope things settle for you soon and hope you have happiness... i will feel so much happier when ive moved out, the stress of banks calling and not knowing were n whats going on and where we'll end up is doing my head in! thanks goodness for family and friends...and LS

 

thank you for your kind words

My pleasure

 

Susie.........quick note before work. I am doing SO much better. I am the one singing and dancing around the house. You can read my story...just read one of the first posts. Not a pretty story. I am grateful every day that I feel good. Now if I could get him to leave me alone. I have been as kind as I can, but not interested.

[Shocked Suzie]

My pleasure

 

Susie.........quick note before work. I am doing SO much better. I am the one singing and dancing around the house. You can read my story...just read one of the first posts. Not a pretty story. I am grateful every day that I feel good. Now if I could get him to leave me alone. I have been as kind as I can, but not interested.

 

Will have a read now ;)

[Bluesandy]

Sorry for you Suzie.... so weird to share the life of your other half for so many years (in my case 23 years and 3 girls), and suddenly, you are facing a totally new person, acting differently and who doesn't care anymore of you, as you never existed... So disturbing....... Especially when your relation seemed so good that you had common projects in the near and farest future...

Same case as yours, my spouse disapeared with her boss within a day without any warning... Gasp..... 9 weeks from the split... but doing much better now because I have found a marvellous girl since..

Courage

André.

[Shocked Suzie]

Sorry for you Suzie.... so weird to share the life of your other half for so many years (in my case 23 years and 3 girls), and suddenly, you are facing a totally new person, acting differently and who doesn't care anymore of you, as you never existed... So disturbing....... Especially when your relation seemed so good that you had common projects in the near and farest future...

Same case as yours, my spouse disapeared with her boss within a day without any warning... Gasp..... 9 weeks from the split... but doing much better now because I have found a marvellous girl since..

Courage

André.[/quote

 

I try not to let my mind wander to thinking about 'his change' why bother i'll never work it out...but its at times hard not to

 

as in the other post, I'm glad you've found happiness ...cant wait to feel that again

 

And I'm glad your not a player

[thefooloftheyear]

Hang in there Suzie..I know you will get through this...dont let him off the hook on the expenses.

 

Ill be thinking of you..

 

TFY

[Bluesandy]

 

He has asked that he has the kids every wknd, which I understand but my children aren't happy with this .. That's the next hurdle I suppose! I've said to the kids to hear him out and to speak their minds as to what they want, they are old enough to do this... I said I'd support whatever they wished

 

 

Wish I could fast forward a year or two....

 

 

Hanging in there x

 

I follow you on that one.. My wife wanted my girls one week every two weeks, but my girls, 14,17 and 19 refused to go to her place.. She asked me to help her to convince my kids but I told her I will second what want my kids and won't do anything to force them... She is pissed off with the situation, but she will have to live with that.. plus my kids doesn't want to meet her boss at all, so the only place where she can seee the kids is once a week, in a restaurant.

Edited April 30, 2013 by Bluesandy

[Shocked Suzie]

I follow you on that one.. My wife wanted my girls one week every two weeks, but my girls, 14,17 and 19 refused to go to her place.. She asked me to help her to convince my kids but I told her I will second what want my kids and won't do anything to force them... She is pissed off with the situation, but she will have to live with that.. plus my kids doesn't want to meet her boss at all, so the only place where she can seee the kids is once a week, in a restaurant.

 

at their ages what can we do, they cannot be forced and have there own minds...my XH has to understand "which is hard in his bubble" that the kids have been deeply hurt and affected by all this too

 

One is saying every other wknd and that's only if he likes it at her house and the other is saying he'll have to come up with some other plan because shes not going up there every wknd and doesn't want to meet the GF ever! what can i do? its up to them at the end of the day

[Shocked Suzie]

Update..

 

Mortgage is up to date now thankfully! Phew

 

House is going on the market today, photos look fab hope for a swift sale, but not looking forward to the move or saying goodbye to my home and dreams

 

Got so much going on, got two exams at the end of this month, only just hanging in there on my course....I've lost all interest, thankfully they are being supportive, but there is only so much they can do...can't help me with all my assignments and exams sadly ..lol

 

Stressed...not much ;)

[Bluesandy]

at their ages what can we do, they cannot be forced and have there own minds...my XH has to understand "which is hard in his bubble" that the kids have been deeply hurt and affected by all this too

 

One is saying every other wknd and that's only if he likes it at her house and the other is saying he'll have to come up with some other plan because shes not going up there every wknd and doesn't want to meet the GF ever! what can i do? its up to them at the end of the day

 

Yep, same page for me.... it looks like they don't realize that they have destroy not only your dreams but the ones of your kids... Very weird...

And yes.. the last things my girls want is to meet the OM. My wife keeps sending me messages where she says I am pushing my girls against her, like she cannot understand their feelings and I don't have nothing to see with their point of view...

[Shocked Suzie]

Yep, same page for me.... it looks like they don't realize that they have destroy not only your dreams but the ones of your kids... Very weird...

And yes.. the last things my girls want is to meet the OM. My wife keeps sending me messages where she says I am pushing my girls against her, like she cannot understand their feelings and I don't have nothing to see with their point of view...

 

ahhh yes i'm pretty sure i will get this from Exh too, oh so much to look forward to! kids have a right to say and do what they want under these circumstances...i think its because he thinks she the best thing since sliced bread...think he thinks once the kids meet her they will feel the same. i have my doubts, 1, she's hooked up with a married man and 2, she's moved him into her home with her kids within a matter of months of knowing him he could be anyone! anyway my kids have a voice and like it or not he will have to respect what they are saying

 

lets hope things settle quickly in this respect for us both!

[MsOptimist]

Good luck with the sale of your house and on your exams - that is a lot, but it's keeping you busy and that's a good thing.

 

Moving and leaving the house will be tough, but like everything else, take it bit by bit and try to see the positives of being able to start fresh. The packing really kept me busy and focused since there was so much to do.

 

When my parents divorced I was very stubborn and never wanted to meet my dad's new girlfriends or even his wife when he remarried. In hindsight I wish I had because once I got to know his wife (who has since passed away from cancer), she was a beautiful person. I regret being so stubborn in the beginning, but there's nothing I can do about that now except learn from it. So I understand your kids not being very warm to the idea of their dad's situation.

 

Hang in there and I hope things settle down for you soon. You are very strong so I have no doubt you will get through all of these changes and be even stronger because of it all.

[Shocked Suzie]

Good luck with the sale of your house and on your exams - that is a lot, but it's keeping you busy and that's a good thing.

 

Moving and leaving the house will be tough, but like everything else, take it bit by bit and try to see the positives of being able to start fresh. The packing really kept me busy and focused since there was so much to do.

 

When my parents divorced I was very stubborn and never wanted to meet my dad's new girlfriends or even his wife when he remarried. In hindsight I wish I had because once I got to know his wife (who has since passed away from cancer), she was a beautiful person. I regret being so stubborn

in the beginning, but there's nothing I can do about that now except learn from it. So I understand your kids not being very warm to the idea of their dad's situation.

 

 

Hang in there and I hope things settle down for you soon. You are very strong so I have no doubt you will get through all of these changes and be

even stronger because of it all.

 

Thank you I've been VERY emotional the past few days! Finding things pretty tough...not helping that my Ex is pushing me for a divorce. When he left I said I wanted one, but over here have to wait a year...I'd say we could move things about a bit, but he keeps going on about it now....so cold, I'm going through enough ATM and all he can think of is that! Twisting

the knife that bit more really not needed...I've told him I want a divorce but nearer the year mark 'as it's law' and only when our finances are sorted...which I'm wondering if that's what the big push is all about...once we are D I loose a lot of entitlements.

 

My daughter will come around in time, I also don't want her to have hate for a person and anger for her dad...I will let her find her own feet and admire her independence in this.

 

Fingers crossed for house sale, will be so sad to move but there is not choice so I've just gotta deal with it ....

 

Thanks again MsO xxxx your doing great too and are also very strong

Edited May 4, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[Shocked Suzie]

Have a contract on my house...all being well with building inspection my move date will be July. Mixed bag of emotions but I know it's gotta be done, so it's just a step in the right direction....

 

Been pretty good emotionally, just can't wait for the day when my mind doesn't wander to why this has all happened and how a person can change so much...without even realizing I sit there dissecting why ... And dissecting myself...so frustrating

 

He has so much hate, bitterness towards me everything seems to always be my fault. I know it's probably his guilt but my knocked self esteem makes me still question if in some way his actions are slightly justified....my friends think I'm mad when I say that, it's just how I feel sadly

 

I've started reading a good book ATM called rebuilding when your relationship ends, by Bruce fisher...it's made me look at myself, why the relationship broke down....interesting read so far and highlights that I'm doing ok considering it's relatively early days.

 

Anyway that's me for now... Onward n upwards

[Techie Artist]

SS, I assume the book you're reading is revealing some things you may recognize as mistakes. Any regrets?

[Shocked Suzie]

SS, I assume the book you're reading is revealing some things you may recognize as mistakes. Any regrets?

 

its mainly about moving forward, it does say what common breakdown of marriages are and what attracts people to each other in the first place...so its been interesting so far. I've seen since splitting that there were a few issues "nothing major" but obviously needed some attention, I'm just sad that he never thought of trying before he did what he did. i knew deep down that things weren't 100% right and thought that was part of being with someone for years and we would work through as we moved froward in our relationship ...i wish i'd listened to my inner concerns and spoke out...my only regret is that i've always lived to enjoy life and my family...ive never had huge ambitions just simply "to be happy & love my family that we'd created" i feel cheated and so sad that i thought i had this and a simple life....i didn't see what was important was right in front of me I allowed this to fall apart something so easily rectified if only it was given that chance...

 

I found since our split that i have a inner self esteem issue that i sort of knew was there but have always probably tried to ignored, i never really realized until we've split how my H used to tap into this "not in a good way"..this is why i feel that I've believed a lot of things he's said since he has gone...the book has made me start to look further back on myself before i met him...it makes sense, i think we both have childhood unresolved issues...which as suggested in the book could have been a possible attraction in the beginning "which it was we often used to talk about it".... and it was something that actually lead to our breakdown too.

 

So im trying to not focus on him...although that's still hard, im trying to look at myself in a positive way and learn to grow...i feel that this is possible most of the time... but looking back to learn how to grow is hard in itself, but it needs to be corrected to move forward...i think its important to understand where things went wrong my part and his part

 

cant wait for this hurt to be over, i know its a healing process but it sucks! especially when he seems so emotionally detected

 

getting there slowly xxx

[Shocked Suzie]

had one of those awful separation moments today, doing my late tax using our joint accountant and felt that this woman had more of a connection with my husband than me

 

....16 yrs of marriage, two kids, heaps of history and some random women has more connections with my Ex than me was a bizarre moment

 

one of those should have stayed in bed days today ....

[worldgonewrong]

((((hugs))))

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

its mainly about moving forward, it does say what common breakdown of marriages are and what attracts people to each other in the first place...so its been interesting so far. I've seen since splitting that there were a few issues "nothing major" but obviously needed some attention, I'm just sad that he never thought of trying before he did what he did. i knew deep down that things weren't 100% right and thought that was part of being with someone for years and we would work through as we moved froward in our relationship ...

 

So im trying to not focus on him...although that's still hard, im trying to look at myself in a positive way and learn to grow...i feel that this is possible most of the time... but looking back to learn how to grow is hard in itself, but it needs to be corrected to move forward...i think its important to understand where things went wrong my part and his part

 

cant wait for this hurt to be over, i know its a healing process but it sucks! especially when he seems so emotionally detected

 

getting there slowly xxx

 

In bold above.

 

Suzie, I totally relate to the first comment. I recognize that I failed to take early signs more seriously because I assumed we'd always be married. I never dreamed my wife could put the marriage on the table. My parents were married (til my mom died). Her parents are still married. The idea that any problems we had could lead to divorce just didn't register in my mind. I still can't believe it from time to time.

 

I've also been trying to look back and see patterns or areas that I can learn and grow from. But I find those thoughts are often covered in grease that can make me slip into the pit of "what ifs".

 

And the last comment really hits home - it is THE hardest thing I deal with whenever I interact with my wife. I still can't look at her directly. I can't bear her gaze that makes me feel like a suit that's gone terribly out of style.

 

Oh, and BTW, my wife's name is Suzanne :/

Edited May 13, 2013 by LIFE.GOES.wrONg

[Shocked Suzie]

In bold above.

 

Suzie, I totally relate to the first comment. I recognize that I failed to take early signs more seriously because I assumed we'd always be married. I never dreamed my wife could put the marriage on the table. My parents were married (til my mom died). Her parents are still married. The idea that any problems we had could lead to divorce just didn't register in my mind. I still can't believe it from time to time.

 

I've also been trying to look back and see patterns or areas that I can learn and grow from. But I find those thoughts are often covered in grease that can make me slip into the pit of "what ifs".

 

And the last comment really hits home - it is THE hardest thing I deal with whenever I interact with my wife. I still can't look at her directly. I can't bear her gaze that makes me feel like a suit that's gone terribly out of style.

 

Oh, and BTW, my wife's name is Suzanne :/

 

this is the problem, but i do feel that looking back is needed....try to look further, i can see what this book im reading is getting at....rather than purely focusing on what lead to the breakdown, look at were your weaknesses are within yourself...before you guys met, use that to build on your self improvement for your rebuild....today this is easy....yesterday this was not we've gotta roll with those punches haven't we unfortunately

 

 

I don't see my ExH often but when i do he doesn't even look at me, if he does happen to glance at me he has the look of pure anger .... i however can look straight at him ... do you see your Exw often?? i try to avoid face to face contact as much as poss, im fine in the moment but when the moments over my heads all over the place, i try to stick to email contact only

 

Ahhhh we'll im not Suzanne you see....so i'm different

[WreckedDan]

Just for fun... my wifes name is Susanna...

 

Suzi

It makes me glad to see you are able to find growth in your self, even small steps are something. I think I'm about a.month behind you and every day seems worse than the one before. My wife just told me she got an apartment so won't be staying at her sister's anymore. Terrified how that's going to change the living arangements butt I'm trying to syay calm amd rational as to keep my wife from going for full custody. I plan to go file soon, but I'm really affraid of putting these decisions in someone elses hands.

 

Good luck Suzi, stay strong you are very helpful to read.

Dan

[Shocked Suzie]

Just for fun... my wifes name is Susanna...

 

Suzi

It makes me glad to see you are able to find growth in your self, even small steps are something. I think I'm about a.month behind you and every day seems worse than the one before. My wife just told me she got an apartment so won't be staying at her sister's anymore. Terrified how that's going to change the living arangements butt I'm trying to syay calm amd rational as to keep my wife from going for full custody. I plan to go file soon, but I'm really affraid of putting these decisions in someone elses hands.

 

Good luck Suzi, stay strong you are very helpful to read.

Dan

 

 

just pulling ya leg about name ... Thank you, I don't feel very helpful at times... Just feel everyone's pain, makes me sad, but also draw strength from everyone too

 

It's odd up and down emotions, just can't wait for this journey to be over! It the constant changes that keep knocking you back, I understand you feeling uneasy about this.... My next hurdle is the house move... The next is my ex wanting the kids to meet and start staying with him for wknds, I know this is gonna be difficult for us all... Kids aren't keen and I can't stand the thought of my kids being with the woman that helped destroy our family...I've just gotta put on a fake front and be there for the kids if they eventually like her I need to be happy that they are happy too... Which is what is important

 

I hope this change doesn't effect your situation too much! It's all so stressful

[Shocked Suzie]

Dan dont forget to log everything that she does, doesn't do the lot... Think back write it all down.... You may need it x

[MsOptimist]

i knew deep down that things weren't 100% right and thought that was part of being with someone for years and we would work through as we moved froward in our relationship ...i wish i'd listened to my inner concerns and spoke out...my only regret is that

 

I hear you on this! I also had concerns about things deep down and didn't voice nearly enough - more stuff that I'm learning about post-separation and divorce. That's all we can do is learn from things like this that we recognize.

 

I thought the same, that being with someone long term meant having to eat some of those concerns.

[Shocked Suzie]

I hear you on this! I also had concerns about things deep down and didn't voice nearly enough - more stuff that I'm learning about post-separation and divorce. That's all we can do is learn from things like this that we recognize.

 

I thought the same, that being with someone long term meant having to eat some of those concerns.

 

i suppose really what ive learnt here is that you can never presume that everyone deals with things the same as you would 'the rule now is never presume' i'd have spoken up if i was unhappy...im an open book...i thought he'd do the same, thought i knew him well enough....

 

this among many other lessons learnt in all this, hope that one day will make me into a better person.....not to take any situation for granted

[TailSpin75]

i suppose really what ive learnt here is that you can never presume that everyone deals with things the same as you would 'the rule now is never presume' i'd have spoken up if i was unhappy...im an open book...i thought he'd do the same, thought i knew him well enough....

 

this among many other lessons learnt in all this, hope that one day will make me into a better person.....not to take any situation for granted

 

Hi Suzie (and MsAwesome ) - I share many of the same thoughts and feelings on this topic as you do.

 

For me... I certainly breached the subject (repeatedly) - my intuition drove me to begin conversations about 'where' we were. She always sold the idea she was happy and all was well - so I concluded that I couldn't make my 'insecurities' hers. Of course - when the ***** hit the fan - I realized that my intuition was dead on...