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Knowing what you know now...

DelusionalOne

By DelusionalOne,
in The Other Man / Woman

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DelusionalOne

DelusionalOne

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Knowing what you know now...from beginning to end....

 

If you got a magical do-over would you proceed with your PA/EA as before, try to change the outcome or run as far and as fast as you could?

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lilmisscantbewrong

lilmisscantbewrong

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I would definitely change it. If I had known that the outcome would be that he wouldn't be a part of my life, I would definitely have changed it. Being it my life as my friend would have been better than losing him like I did.

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DelusionalOne

DelusionalOne

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I wish I never met him and not because I hate him.

 

I would run as far and as fast as I could. I know we could never be just friends.

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carhill

carhill

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I would have gotten psychological help 20 years ago, after round 1 ended, and likely would never have married the person I did.

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Poppy fields

Poppy fields

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I really don't think I would change anything because it has made me the person I am today, and I am proud and happy to be that person.

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AnotherRound

AnotherRound

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I wouldn't change a thing. I value every experience I have had with him, negative and positive. I have grown as a person and as a relationship partner bc of our relationship. I had very few complaints about him as a person, and so far, out of every relationship I have had, he has fulfilled my needs the best. We were a good fit, and that led to a lot of good times together, a lot of shared life - we went through a lot with one another and I wouldn't give it up for anything.

 

If I could go back in time and change anything, I would go back and warn him not to marry his now exW. He knew then that he was probably making a mistake, not bc she isn't a good person or anything, but he knew that they weren't a very good fit - but he did it anyway. I would help him avoid that so that the could find someone that WAS a good fit - and maybe live happily ever after. Or at least a lot closer to happy than miserable.

 

Oh - I would go back to my old self too and NOT marry my exH. I had the same kind of premonition - but ignored it, everyone kept telling me, "oh, it's just cold feet"... but I knew. In my heart of hearts, I KNEW and I ignored it bc it was the natural progression - we were SUPPOSED to get married and we had the whole wedding planned and paid for. I should have ran from that when I had the chance.

 

So, I would change some things - but not my relationship with exMM.

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movingon45

movingon45

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I wouldn't. It was like an unfinished business that we didn't finish when we were in college, but NO, I would never have an A again. I've learned my lesson. It's very painful and isolating when it's all over.

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MissBee

MissBee

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Knowing what you know now...from beginning to end....

 

If you got a magical do-over would you proceed with your PA/EA as before, try to change the outcome or run as far and as fast as you could?

 

:laugh:

 

For me, I think what's done is done and ultimately I'm glad we met and that situation taught me A LOT. So I wouldn't go back and change it. However, I would not put myself in that situation again if it were offered tomorrow.

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RickFox

RickFox

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I would never put myself in the position I did and make sure I kept my distance from xmw.

 

If I could go back in time at any point in time, even if it was after we first acknowledged being attracted to one another, it would be when she climbed in my lap and told me "I promise you I'm not crazy" I would have kicked her A** outta my house. When she first said "I'm so in love with you BUT I still love my H", I would have kicked her A** outta my car. When she said, "ooh if the sex wasn't so good it'd be easier to walk away from all this" I would have said let me get the damn door for you and go ahead and walk...

 

I wish to God I never met that woman, I can't explain (and it drives me nuts) the profound effect this A has had on me from so many angles/aspects. I guess since this would be around the time our A was in full effect, it is very difficult for me right now, I have been doing very very good, my M has been very very good, but this time of year has brought much resentment and anger, both at myself and at her.....

 

If I wasn't so stupid ..... it's not that I regret my past, it's that I regret that I wasted a part of it on her and that I hurt the one woman who was truly loyal to me and I will never repair the damage that has been done to her (so the damage that has been done to me is simply payback for my selfishness).

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tryingto

tryingto

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It took me a while to figure out my answer to this and when I did, the answer actually surprised me. For so long, I believed I would never regret what we had but I realize now I do. If I could have a "do-over", I would not want the A or him. There was a lot of hurt and pain for a relationship that ultimately had no potential and was not real.

 

I understand that relationships end and people move on. It's one thing when a real relationship ends for whatever reason. You were hoping to see what it could become, both parties investing themselves in it. But to look back over 3 years and realize there never was any future or you were the only one vested in the relationship despite what you were told by that other person... ultimately, for me, it feels like wasted time.

 

Now that being said, I am trying to figure out what I will learn from the experience... One of the things I have already learned is to be more honest with myself and acknowledge the yellow and sometimes blazing-ly red flags much earlier and just trust my gut!

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cocorico

cocorico

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Knowing what you know now...from beginning to end....

 

If you got a magical do-over would you proceed with your PA/EA as before, try to change the outcome or run as far and as fast as you could?

 

The only thing I would change is totally out of my control (the BW to recognise she needs help, and to get it). For the rest, no, I would not change anything. It worked out just great for everyone else.

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ladydesigner

ladydesigner

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I share Carhill's thinking. I think if I would have gotten psychological help much earlier in life for my abandonment issues and having been sexually abused I probably wouldn't have made the choice, first to marry my WH in the first place or had an A after I discovered my WH's first A.

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Silly_Girl

Silly_Girl

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I'd have got involved, but I'd have dealt with my impatience and frustration better.

 

So much good came out of our relationship, including his separation amongst other things, I'd be daft to regret it.

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MEJ76

MEJ76

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Knowing what you know now...from beginning to end....

 

If you got a magical do-over would you proceed with your PA/EA as before, try to change the outcome or run as far and as fast as you could?

 

I would run far and fast to my husband so I would re-focus on our marriage, to my therapist to get a grip on my reality, and to Amazon to buy "Not Just Friends". I have tightened up my piss poor boundaries and would give my right arm for a magical do-over.

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secretlady76

secretlady76

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It has to go down as one of the most stupid things I have ever done.

 

The fallout is massive, some of which I will have to carry for the rest of my life and far outweighs what I gained from the A, which looking at it in some perspective; I didn't gain anything. I lost nearly everything.

 

I look back on it and it seems like some twisted fantasy. Like it never happened....then I look at the mess it has made and it's stuff of nightmares. Every day I am reminded of my totally idiotic behaviour.

 

For anyone considering taking that path. Please don't; dancing with the devil is an easier option than coping with the fallout of an A.

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ladydesigner

ladydesigner

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It has to go down as one of the most stupid things I have ever done.

 

The fallout is massive, some of which I will have to carry for the rest of my life and far outweighs what I gained from the A, which looking at it in some perspective; I didn't gain anything. I lost nearly everything.

 

I look back on it and it seems like some twisted fantasy. Like it never happened....then I look at the mess it has made and it's stuff of nightmares. Every day I am reminded of my totally idiotic behaviour.

 

For anyone considering taking that path. Please don't; dancing with the devil is an easier option than coping with the fallout of an A.

 

My WH says this very same thing about his A. The fallout has been far greater than anything he could ever imagine and if he had a chance to go back in time he wouldn't ever do it that way again.

 

What you said about looking back on it like a twisted fantasy almost like it never happened, is exactly how I view my A with my xAP. It just reminds me of my idiotic behavior and how I threw my morals and self-worth away for a little ego-boosting:sick:

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