upset mother

[my daughter's lying to me!]

I really don't know what to do. I live in Maryland. My

 

daughter asked me if she could go on a camping trip with the people at her work (work-organized fun for employees). She said it was only a couple hours drive away, in Virginia. I said sure and didn't think any more of it.

 

Well she told me she was going Fri Dec.15 until Sun Dec.17.

 

I said sure and didn't think any more of it.

 

It wasn't a problem until today. I was on my home computer, and was trying to plan a vacation to go visit my brother over the holidays. I've used Expedia.com sometimes. So I loaded it up and trying to plan an itinerary. And I noticed at the top it said something like, "welcome back, Anna" (my daughter's name). So I was confused and then realized I hadn't typed any name info in. And then it also said "view existing trips" or something..i dont recall. Well wondering what existing trips i had on there, I clicked on it and

 

saw a whole itinerary of tickets my daughter had purchased.

 

It was for the exact date (dec 15-17), going to OKLAHOMA?!?

 

For $385. They were confirmed. Our phone # and her work # was on it. But she had them mailed to her friend's house (it showed her friend's name/address).

 

I was shocked, to say the least!!! She lied to me, and she planned this trip behind my back. She could've just asked!

 

I'm SO worried, more worried than upset, ALthough i'm upset too.

 

What do I do??? I guess it's my fault for being "nosy" by deciding to view the information. But it was right there in front of me, on my computer. She had forgotten to log out.

 

I don't want to tell her I know because she'll say I was snooping around. But I want to get to the bottom of this and find out whyyyy the heck she's going there??? and why she lied?? (heck i could've even gotten her cheaper tickets and she could've saved some money).

 

I was thinking about showing up at the airport at the same time she'd be going. And catch her red-handed. Or should I just confront her? But I'm sure she'd just end up lying to me if I asked her about it now.

 

I don't want to push her away. She has been on the net a lot lately, and she's always talking to her friends on AOL and over the net. I guess it's my fault for letting her stay on the net. I often argue with her about getting off there, but sometimes she just ends up staying up all night, after I goto bed. I'm wondering maybe she's going to meet some weirdo off the net??? that's my biggest concern!

 

I would appreciate any advice...please help me!! I need to do something quick!

[Tony T]

You left out the most important information, her age. If she is 18 or over, you really can't say much of anything. She has a right to her privacy, although I would be disappointed in her for lying.

 

If she is under 18, you better kick some butt here.

 

In either case, just calmly sit her down and tell her in a very nice way that you are aware that her plans are different from what she discussed. Let her know you are disappointed that she didn't tell you about them but that it's OK.

 

Let her know she is free to go wherever she wants. But also advise her that it's a different world out there now, a very dangerous one. When she is planning a distant trip, it is extremely important to let you know exactly where she is going so if problems of any kind arise on either end, you or she can be more easily contacted. In the event of certain family emergencies, getting ahold of her immediately could be critical.

 

Don't get angry with her, just stay calm and let her know in the future to always give her the accurate itinerary of her trips for the above stated reason. Then give her a big hug and tell her you hope she enjoys herself.

 

Don't go into how you found out her real plans unless she asks. And then just be very honest. At least in the future she'll log out when she does dumb things like that...but hopefully she'll understand why it is so critical that she is up front with you...for personal safety reasons.

[Jezz]

I agree with Tony, her age is important here. I also understand your concern and that fact you do not want her to feel you are snooping. But keep in mind, sometimes people make foolish mistakes and the consequences can be damaging. Do as Tony said, approach her calmly and definitely assure her your trust in her decisions. But I do feel you should intervene in someway. It is better to be safe than sorry.

[Deejette]

You really weren't snooping because you are her mother. The information came up on the computer through no direct intervention on your part at first. It is only natural that you would want to find out what your daughter is up to.

 

It isn't good that she lied to you. I would have a gentle talk with her, to get to the bottom of this. She might respond with anger and stomp out, but that will be a cover for the bad feelings she will be experiencing when she knows she has been found out.

 

It is important for mothers to know where their daughters are. There are too many cases of disappearing young women (and men) for you to be too casual about this.

I agree with Tony, her age is important here. I also understand your concern and that fact you do not want her to feel you are snooping. But keep in mind, sometimes people make foolish mistakes and the consequences can be damaging. Do as Tony said, approach her calmly and definitely assure her your trust in her decisions. But I do feel you should intervene in someway. It is better to be safe than sorry.