"If he can get a GF, I know I can" thinking

[Necris]

I noticed for most people seeing someone perceived as being unattractive with an attractive person inspires hope as they think "If he can get a GF, I know I can" but for me I noticed it actually makes me feel worse. Instead I think "man I must really be terrible at this if even he can be with a girl".

 

Horrible, I know, but does anyone else think the same way?

 

Also recently I caught myself feeling jealousy which is rare for me, when I realized a couple of my friends have girlfriends. One of my friends just entered into a relationship with a girl and I was actually pretty surprised, he spends most of his time playing videogames and watching anime and he even once told me he doesn't really care for getting a girlfriend so never puts effort into it. Suddenly he actually tries asking out girls and now he's in a relationship. And I'm like how did that happen I've been putting in effort for a much longer time with nothing more than a heap of rejections to show for it. Of course I never said all this, but that does make me feel like a bad friend to think like this instead of being happy.

[Esoteric Elf]

I actually think "if he can get a girlfriend, I can't", and if "he can't get a girlfriend, I can't". Either way, same conclusion.

 

Nuff said from bicep boy.

[Necris]

Necris, stop thinking. Right now, I feel your so worried about getting a girlfriend. Dude, acrew girlfriends. You need to just get something. You're putting so much weight in your boat that its taking on water. Just let go of things that involve long-term aspirations.

 

Here's why. You are so inexperienced, but you have sort of grandeuristic goals, and you're going to end up shooting yourself in the face with the first girl you get involved with.

 

Some wise, wonderful woman on LS (wish I could remember who) told me not long ago about why it is important to let go of desire, and she said 'A handful of sand, gripped too tightly, will slip through our fingers'. She's absolutely correct, and I would like to see you just let go of these grandiose goals for now. Just get with a girl or two, get your feet wet, see what its all about.

 

The long-term goals are impeding you from gaining what you truly need, which is experience and success.

 

You're right about thinking too much about things, I need to somehow just not care.

 

Perhaps getting a girlfriend is a bit too long-term thinking, by "you need to get something" I suppose you mean don't worry about trying to get a GF yet but maybe just try to get dates. I've never achieved a 2nd date so that's a not too out there far out of reach goal I guess. Or maybe you meant female friends, which is what I do have currently and that's alright so getting more female friends I don't think would be too helpful.

[Necris]

Yeah op, don't worry about getting a girlfriend, just go simply get laid a couple times first and things will be fine!

 

(not mocking you, op, mocking bobbies predictable and totally unhelpful reply)

 

Yeah I knew he meant "get laid" though I was hoping he was trying to say something more realistic like just focus on getting a date.

 

Sex is not even a goal for me, but even if sex is what I was after most people I know personally do such things within a relationship, so being capable of having a relationship with a woman in the first place still comes first. I know guys who do the one night stand bar thing but they are again highly attractive to women and quite capable of getting a relationship on their own.

[ScreamingTrees]

Necris, stop thinking. Right now, I feel your so worried about getting a girlfriend. Dude, acrew girlfriends. You need to just get something. You're putting so much weight in your boat that its taking on water. Just let go of things that involve long-term aspirations.

 

Here's why. You are so inexperienced, but you have sort of grandeuristic goals, and you're going to end up shooting yourself in the face with the first girl you get involved with.

 

Some wise, wonderful woman on LS (wish I could remember who) told me not long ago about why it is important to let go of desire, and she said 'A handful of sand, gripped too tightly, will slip through our fingers'. She's absolutely correct, and I would like to see you just let go of these grandiose goals for now. Just get with a girl or two, get your feet wet, see what its all about.

 

The long-term goals are impeding you from gaining what you truly need, which is experience and success.

 

Sincere question here.. Why do some people think it'll be EASIER to get a quick casual lay, or a casual FWB flingy sort of short-term "fun" thing when they seem to fail to get something long-term?

 

It'd be just as hard if not even harder to pull in someone for something casual since they're more so concerned with how physically attractive you are, as long as you're not a total *******.. And even then, a large number of women seem to not even care about that so much.

 

Social awkwardness (even mild, unless you're attractive enough for the other person to find it endearing rather than creepy and lame) does not ooze sex appeal in any case.. Which is what you'd think would draw a girl in for a casual encounter.. You'd have to actually have the social skills to do that without having built a rapport or some sort of connection with her.

 

Throw in some physical insecurities, and having "fun" sexcapades with random girls will not necessarily make you feel better about yourself, or lead to more "experience"..

 

In that case, the term "experience" is misleading, as you'll be none the wiser as to how to make things work the next time.. If anything, it may serve as nothing more than a confirmation as to what is preventing things from "working"..

[Esoteric Elf]

And I actually think 'I don't give a crap if he can get a girlfriend or can't get a girlfriend or if I can get a girlfriend or can't get a girlfriend or if that dude's cousin has a girlfriend or if my next door neighbor in 3rd grade has a girlfriend or if my buddy's mom dukes out with a girl from her book club or if the dude who works at the gas station bangs goats'.

 

See the difference?

Little difference. You merely restated my antecedent and added something strange to my consequent (I don't give a crap if I can get a girlfriend).

 

Its the same conclusion, so what you are driving at is beyond me.

[GoodOnPaper]

Sincere question here.. Why do some people think it'll be EASIER to get a quick casual lay, or a casual FWB flingy sort of short-term "fun" thing when they seem to fail to get something long-term?

 

I know what you mean. I've been married almost 20 years yet I could not "just get laid" to save my life. Any experience I obtained was in relationships or on the way to them. Unfortunately, it seems that the first measure of a guy being a "catch" is whether he can attract lots of women . . .

 

I agree with the OP. I know people are trying to be helpful when they point out a couple where the woman is gorgeous and the guy is very below-average in looks or physically disadvantaged in some way, but in a way it actually ramps up the pressure. It's not enough to just find a gf -- she has to be the "hottest" possible or there is something wrong with you.

[baRx]

I noticed for most people seeing someone perceived as being unattractive with an attractive person inspires hope as they think "If he can get a GF, I know I can" but for me I noticed it actually makes me feel worse. Instead I think "man I must really be terrible at this if even he can be with a girl".

 

Horrible, I know, but does anyone else think the same way?

 

Also recently I caught myself feeling jealousy which is rare for me, when I realized a couple of my friends have girlfriends. One of my friends just entered into a relationship with a girl and I was actually pretty surprised, he spends most of his time playing videogames and watching anime and he even once told me he doesn't really care for getting a girlfriend so never puts effort into it. Suddenly he actually tries asking out girls and now he's in a relationship. And I'm like how did that happen I've been putting in effort for a much longer time with nothing more than a heap of rejections to show for it. Of course I never said all this, but that does make me feel like a bad friend to think like this instead of being happy.

 

I hear exactly what you're saying. Ten-fold.

I have a friend of mine who managed to get a pretty attractive girlfriend recently. This is a guy that lives in a small studio basement apartment. This is a guy that almost never showers. Never wears deoderant. Never brushes his teeth. Never washes his clothes. Doesn't wear sheets on his disgusting & dirty bed. His apartment reeks of 5-year old must and B.O. He never shaves or cuts his hair. Never tries to clean himself up at all.

He has anger issues. He's anti social. Has no friends. His family practically disowned him. This guy has no job and gets money from the government. He pretends to be a cam-girl and scams people online to make some extra money.

He has no motivation to change his life at all.

 

Surprisingly, he doesn't drink/do drugs, though.

 

But other than that, with the disgusting way he lives... he's managed to land himself an attractive girlfriend. She comes from a wealthy family, has been handed everything. She takes care of herself.

 

Then there's me. I'm personable, clean, fun to be around, enjoy life, not bad looking at all, I have a career, I'm able to do what I want basically whenever I want. I have no restrictions. But I can't seem to find ANY girls that are even remotely interested in me, unless they're strippers, or the bartenders that pretend to flirt with me to get extra tips out of me.

 

The last time I had a "girlfriend" was in 2004. It lasted 3 weeks, and I don't even consider it a real relationship. We were teenagers. We did almost nothing together.

 

Sucks.

Edited April 23, 2013 by baRx

[PJKino]

I rarely get jealous if an unattratcive friend gets a women if anything it gives me hope.

 

I only get a little jealous when im hanging out with my good looking friend who gets swarmed by women all the time,even women who say they arent fond of him as a human being are all over him because they are attrracted to him.

 

It remidns me that the mating game is alot about looks no matter how pc people want to be and say its the inside that counts and blah blah blah women who know nothing about him throw themselves at him while im invisible

 

I mean women are just smitten around my friend simply because hes good looking and act like hes the last good looking man on earth its kinda creepy how women are around him.

[Necris]

It's WAY easier to pick up some drunk hooch at the bar and bang one out than it is to go out and find a girlfriend. Just like its easier to dunk on your Nerf hoop on your closet door than it is to make an NBA squad.

 

I feel like a lot of guys are putting the cart before the horse. When you are looking for a relationship, you come off as looking for a relationship. Girls can smell that sh*t from a mile away. It's fine to want it, its bad to exude it.

 

My response to EE is a great illustration of the polar difference in attitude. I don't care....AT ALL. Granted, I'm playing with house money, so its easy to not care. I've been married, I can get the girls I want, etc, so its easy to be blase about it. But even when I was young and didnt know what I was doing, I still didn't care.

 

So, I'll let you in on a girl secret. Apathy is girl kryptonite.

 

Personally I actually want a sexless relationship, so no sex for me. I also hate alcohol besides the effect of drunkenness it has on people it just tastes terrible. I mean seriously I can't understand what's so great about it.

 

Besides like I said the guys I know who are good at the one-night stand bar thing are excellent with women already and quite capable of getting into relationships with women if they wanted to. I've never seen the nerdy terrible with women guy who can't get a date but can get sex, it just doesn't work that way. Your advice may work for you but for most struggling guys its not reasonable.

[ScreamingTrees]

So, I'll let you in on a girl secret. Apathy is girl kryptonite.

 

Well, there may be several shades of apathy, then, because I'm generally as apathetic as you can get (while still living and enjoying my life and not being nearly as much of a verbal debbie downer as I may appear online)..

 

I don't think that girls pick up on any desperation for me, and I've still got no luck. May be my looks, may be something else. Either way, it's quite the contrary, I'd say I'm more likely to be exuding a "totally indifferent to everyone around me/im busy doing something/I like to be left alone" sort of aura than one of desperation for anything.

[Necris]

I'm sorry.....what did you just say???

 

Yeah I know shocking, but while I have the desire for sex, a sexless relationship would be best for a myriad of reasons.

 

So I'm not going after women hoping to get a lay, I want something deeper than that.

[ScreamingTrees]

I GUARANTEE you that your problem is that you are presenting yourself as somewhat unapproachable. And your location sucks, but you know what to do about that. Get yourself to where you need to be, dude, and start doing your thing. You'll kill it.

 

I supposedly live in a great place for men, a city full of women, the majority of which are all quite attractive.. Maybe I should move to the sticks and marry someone who looks a bit more in-bred?

[hppr]

I supposedly live in a great place for men, a city full of women, the majority of which are all quite attractive.. Maybe I should move to the sticks and marry someone who looks a bit more in-bred?

 

That doesn't mean any of them are quality though. I can guarantee you that most of those 'hot' women are total headaches with whom you have zip in common.