Dear Dickwad,. . .

[Goodbye]

Thanks! So kind of you...

[So happy together]

Not true.

 

And it's something to remember in your new relationship.

 

You cannot love someone enough to keep them from cheating on you. You can't sex them enough, or have enough conversation or care taking.

 

We simply don't have that kind of power over other people.

 

That's why some of us have been urging so much caution and introspection in continuing a relationship post affair. If the cheater doesn't fix what is wrong internally with them- it's just a change in location. And the things that caused the affair as a coping device- they come back.

 

Depends on the affair and the people involved.

[Decorative]

Depends on the affair and the people involved.

 

LOL

 

Okey dokey.

[Goodbye]

WS is not blameless either. It is a triangular relationship. If the BS and WS were happy in, and nurturing their relationship, this would not happen in most cases. I didn't say all, because there are serial cheaters, but for most, it wouldn't be as prevalent.

 

 

and it sounds like dontknowanymore is a serial cheater herself...so she should be more understanding of the OW in her husband's case.

[So happy together]

and it sounds like dontknowanymore is a serial cheater herself...so she should be more understanding of the OW in her husband's case.

 

It just irritates me that they think they can just t/j any thread and put in their puritanical bull crap (They is general, of course, also, I'm t/j'ing right now!).

 

People are just people. We're just trying to get along in life and find happiness. I believe if a person is happy in their relationship, generally speaking, not always, that they won't cheat. Most of the time, if they do they are feeling certain ways. Bored/lonely/unloved/unappreciated/lack of sex/lack of emotional closeness/no longer in love with your spouse.

 

People just don't one day wake up and say "I'm going to have an affair, it'll be great". Affairs are difficult and emotionally draining for all parties. We are just people. We have feelings. We have families, friends, jobs, homes, we are people just like anyone else. And we don't have a holier than thou attitude, for the most part.

[Decorative]

It just irritates me that they think they can just t/j any thread and put in their puritanical bull crap (They is general, of course, also, I'm t/j'ing right now!).

 

People are just people. We're just trying to get along in life and find happiness. I believe if a person is happy in their relationship, generally speaking, not always, that they won't cheat. Most of the time, if they do they are feeling certain ways. Bored/lonely/unloved/unappreciated/lack of sex/lack of emotional closeness/no longer in love with your spouse.

 

People just don't one day wake up and say "I'm going to have an affair, it'll be great". Affairs are difficult and emotionally draining for all parties. We are just people. We have feelings. We have families, friends, jobs, homes, we are people just like anyone else. And we don't have a holier than thou attitude, for the most part.

 

The best trying you could do for your relationship right now is read Pittman, Glass or Fisher.

 

You'll see the flaw in your thinking- and it will be protective of your new relationship.

 

I mean that with every last ounce of sincerity I have. I do.

 

I used to think exactly like you. I did. I could not have been more wrong, or more blindsided when it happened to me.

 

Seriously- if only so you can tell me to shut up with authority- read about the psychological underpinnings of an affair. It will change your perspective, greatly.

[So happy together]

The best trying you could do for your relationship right now is read Pittman, Glass or Fisher.

 

You'll see the flaw in your thinking- and it will be protective of your new relationship.

 

I mean that with every last ounce of sincerity I have. I do.

 

I used to think exactly like you. I did. I could not have been more wrong, or more blindsided when it happened to me.

 

Seriously- if only so you can tell me to shut up with authority- read about the psychological underpinnings of an affair. It will change your perspective, greatly.

 

It is not so much what you say, but the attitude with which you say it. I've had people say I have an attitude on this forum, but it's really difficult to be in a loving R and have people tell you how wrong you are, how you are doomed to failure and that you were the one that caused all the pain, which is patently false. Nobody ever even bothers to consider what my boyfriend went through with a drunken wife. So, yeah, I get sick of the attitude that I am automatically wrong and that he is automatically a serial cheater who is messed up in the head. It's not true.

Edited April 26, 2013 by So happy together

[Decorative]

It is not so much what you say, but the attitude with which you say it. I've had people say I have an attitude on this forum, but it's really difficult to be in a loving R and have people tell you how wrong you are, how you are doomed to failure and that you were the one that caused all the pain, which is patently false. Nobody ever even bothers to consider what my boyfriend went through with a drunken wife. So, yeah, I get sick of the attitude that I am automatically wrong and that he is automatically a serial cheater who is messed up in the head. It's not true.

 

Okay.

 

I thought I have tried to be kind to you.

 

Duly noted.

[So happy together]

Happy, imho, I think you are being a bit overdramatic there. I know you've got some flak, it's the nature of affairs. It's going to happen, in real life and on here.

 

Happy, I hope you don't get so defensive that you discard everything that is said to you because I really believe that the majority of it is said because people are concerned about YOU.

 

If you take away the affair part out of your relationship, there are still things that you should be concerned about that has been expressed many times, by many posters. The dynamic that allowed your mm to stay with a alcoholic for all those years, well something in him is broken and it's gonna take work for him to get himself into a healthy place. He has a very angry troubled daughter, because of those same dynamics and I bet even if she doesn't express it, she is pissed off at her dad also, for not getting her away from that. Your relationship with this man has many challenges, even without the affair dynamic. I say this as most others do, from a caring about YOU standpoint.

 

I appreciate that. I do understand what you are saying and I take what I feel I need from the comments. I know a lot of it comes from a place of caring. The problem comes when those that are in a different situation from me say things in a manner that feels unproductive and hurtful. I've never said one time that the BS is the problem in the affair. I think that everyone plays a part. To simply put it all on the WS and the OW/OM is naive and helps nobody. I do appreciate those that have things to contribute that come from a good place, rather that from a place of hostility and rancor.

 

Thanks LG. I do appreciate your words, and trust me, I'm learning just like everyone else, and I do listen.

 

Just as an aside, I have said several times that my boyfriend is aware of the dynamic of his relationship with is stbxw. He is in therapy. BS is not, and won't have anything to do with it. In fact, I would say the therapy helped him see how he was enabling her behavior and refused to be part of her self destruction. He's working on himself. He's a typical conflict avoider, but is gaining a voice. I'm really proud of him.

[So happy together]

Decorative, I sent you a PM.

[ViresSanctity]

I said I would come back here after my feelings of anger starts to surface. Here I am.

 

Woman, I got one thing to say you.

 

Bitches ain't S*it but tricks and hoes!

 

(Sorry if I offended the ladies here. )

[SunshineToday]

Yes none of us OW are "victims." We are, however, human beings with feelings as well. MM need to be careful how they throw around words. They should never say "I love you" if they would throw you under the bus as soon as things go south. They should, IMHO, treat the OW with dignity and respect because they have been intimate. Have the decency to break up face-to-face. Treat the OW with kindness and compassion. Just one woman's opinion.

 

 

There are many in Affairs who throw around "I love you" and still do the bus throwing thing. Don't let words fool you over actions.

 

I don't think it is indecent to break up via letter or text. It doesn't have to be face to face to be decent or compassionate, no matter how much the A meant to you.

If an AP has made the promise/commitment to the WS for no more contact, I say that is just part of the affair game--sometimes you play and lose, and the game doesn't end how you hoped or expected.

[So happy together]

You guys, we've totally jacked this thread. Let's be quiet and let it get back to what it was. I feel really bad.

[Goodbye]

Sounds good. In the meantime I have an addendum to my Dear Dickwad letter from last night.

 

Dear Dickwad,

 

I just wanted to add that unless you REALLY want me to contact your wife, you can cut out the flowery B.S. emails...okay? You can stop the game. We are not getting married. You aren't leaving your wife. You know that woman you live with? The one you told me is a bad kisser and can't hold a tune to save her life? The one who micromanages you and has annoying relatives? The one who gains weight in her butt and feeds your son too many donuts? Hope all those things aren't a big deal to you because she is all yours. Trust me, she has the *(&^)( end of that deal! I hope she wises up and takes you to the cleaners. I hope she sees the light and finds a new, loyal man and kicks you to the curb. You and all your freakin' strange issues. Yep, I know I've got more than my share of "issues" (afterall...we found each other, right)...but at least I'm working on mine. And I'm fixing myself, making myself a healthy, decent person. Someone who is WAY out of your league, Mr. PromiseMaker. Good luck to you, you compulsive liar. I hope your son doesn't follow in your footsteps.

 

Enjoy your lying, fake pathetic existence.

 

Your EX OW

 

PS: You know how you never wanted to turn out like your own father? Well, congrats...you've done it!

[So happy together]

My W was one of those waywards who told me that *I* was partially responsible for her affair. How could I be "playing a part" in something I was completely unaware of?

 

It isn't naive 2 put all the responsibility for the affair on the affairees, because that's exactly where it lies. And it certainly never hurts anybody 2 tell the truth about it.

 

 

 

I realize it might sound as though I'm angry 2ward waywards, but I'm not. D-day was 2long ago for me 2 be affected by it at this late date.

 

 

 

Dealing with an alcoholic spouse is never easy. The relationship can't be helped until the addiction is dealt with.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Lol. All good.

[obladi]

People just don't one day wake up and say "I'm going to have an affair, it'll be great".

 

Well I kinda did, still dont know xactly why but its ok.

[Wellington]

I wasn't going to do this. My idea of "closure" is post surgery.

 

Dear "F" head!!!

 

You lied to me so F you

You led me on so F you

You used my friend to hurt me so F you

 

You were never coming back. Grow a pair and stop leaving the door cracked. Say what you mean, mean what you say. I've always had my big girl panties on.

 

I thought about burning the bridge then changed my mind.......I effing NUKED it!!

 

C ya!

 

BTW, the doc with the Porsche is incredible.......HA!!

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Dear D--

I’m sitting here on a Friday night upset about some things in my life that are actually valid reasons to be crying over. And then there's you. A man not worth my tears or my time. A man that I fell so hopelessly in love with when I was at my lowest point- my most vulnerable. A man that made me put into question everything in my marriage. A man who offered me an out from this life I was unsure of—offered me an escape because he needed one too.

You ignored a couple texts today cause I guess you couldn't find time to see me. This isn’t something you do often, but the fact that it happens sometimes is just a sign of this immature back and forth game we play. A sign of the complete lack of respect you have for me as a human being. Especially considering that I would never in a million years treat you the same way. You are a grown ass man and I know you know what you’re doing with me. And more importantly, what you’re not doing. You’re never leaving- you never planned on it and you have no intention of being with me. What makes me the most upset is the fact that we have been doing this for a year and half and I still, somewhere in my heart, think that it could actually be something. That you might actually really love me.

 

But, I am fooling myself. I am a naive child to really think that. We’ve never even eaten a meal together. We have amazing sex. You make me feel a way that no one has ever made me feel. You are the first man to make me feel truly beautiful and comfortable with my body. Maybe that’s why it is so hard for me to let you go—because I don’t know that I can feel that way again… I don’t want to go back to being shy and unsure. But, I don’t have to. You don’t control that. And what I sometimes mistake for ‘compliments’ would probably be considered vulgar and disrespectful to other people. But, I let you treat me however you want. Because, it’s you. You manipulate me. You make comments that require me to feed your ego—tell you how much I want you, need you, how I cant wait to see you. You make me feel bad about wanting to have a life outside of you. I don’t make plans sometimes for fear that you might find a moment to spare for me. A moment to spare? That’s where I am now? That’s what I’m worth? Sitting at home pining away for a man who has to work me into his schedule when he can? Who can only see me when it’s convenient for him?

 

Seeing you walk down the hallway at work… I’m mesmerized by everything about you. At least, I think I am. It’s like this connection we have controls everything else with us. But, if you would have asked me how I felt three years ago when you came walking down the hallway…. I would have said nothing. I’m sure we would have smiled and said hello like usual. But, I never thought twice about you. I never gave you a second thought. Ever. You were old. Married. Kind of a father-like figure that I would ask questions. Someone that I thought would have been attractive when they were younger. But, otherwise—nothing. And even the first few weeks that you pursued me… I didn’t want it. You were too much, you kind of made me feel uncomfortable and pushed too hard. Then, I gave in. And I emotionally latched on to the way my body responded to you. But, it’s not my mind or my heart. It’s my body. And somewhere in this I let that get twisted.

 

 

 

But, here’s the craziest thing about this whole damn situation….. I can stop whenever I WANT to. And I want to. I just need to do it. The bad from this, the lows, the nights like tonight where I question everything and have to sit and wonder if youre going to talk to me again-- this shouldn’t happen. This should be enough to make me realize that I’m so over playing this game with you. I am helping you stay happy in your marriage by providing you with all you can’t get in it. I am your security blanket. I have always, always been there when you asked me to be. And you can’t even text me back sometimes? F you. Respect me enough to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Which you will only do when I start requiring you to do so. I can’t believe I’ve let this go on as long as it has. I’ve let myself become this person that I would hate if this situation was switched around. The people in my life who care about me and are there for me—would hate me if they knew this part I was playing. I might not be the one lying to someone I love anymore, but it isn’t right that I’m helping someone else do it. It isn’t right. It doesn’t matter that youre okay with it—I should want better for myself. I know better. I’m not okay with being the woman that ruins little kids lives…. all because I FEEL a certain way. Because, I don’t want to be alone or sad. Because, I feel like I need you. Is it really worth risking all the consequences that would come as a result of this? No. It’s just not worth it. Not anymore.

 

 

 

 

(I am still in my A. in fact, even though I was that upset last night- he called this morning and came over and it's all band-aided. because i let it be. ugh. but maybe enough letters like these and it will sink in.)

[Lillyfree]

My W was one of those waywards who told me that *I* was partially responsible for her affair. How could I be "playing a part" in something I was completely unaware of?

 

It isn't naive 2 put all the responsibility for the affair on the affairees, because that's exactly where it lies. And it certainly never hurts anybody 2 tell the truth about it.

 

I realize it might sound as though I'm angry 2ward waywards, but I'm not. D-day was 2long ago for me 2 be affected by it at this late date.

Dealing with an alcoholic spouse is never easy. The relationship can't be helped until the addiction is dealt with.

 

-ol' 2long

 

i am sorry about the t/j, but your 2s are really messing with my ocd. you have made some good points in the past, but it just hurts my brain to read your posts - is it so hard to type - to - or - two- ?

[Goodbye]

i am sorry about the t/j, but your 2s are really messing with my ocd. you have made some good points in the past, but it just hurts my brain to read your posts - is it so hard to type - to - or - two- ?

 

 

I'm so pleased you said this. It hurts.

[Goodbye]

Dear D--

I’m sitting here on a Friday night upset about some things in my life that are actually valid reasons to be crying over. And then there's you. A man not worth my tears or my time. A man that I fell so hopelessly in love with when I was at my lowest point- my most vulnerable. A man that made me put into question everything in my marriage. A man who offered me an out from this life I was unsure of—offered me an escape because he needed one too.

You ignored a couple texts today cause I guess you couldn't find time to see me. This isn’t something you do often, but the fact that it happens sometimes is just a sign of this immature back and forth game we play. A sign of the complete lack of respect you have for me as a human being. Especially considering that I would never in a million years treat you the same way. You are a grown ass man and I know you know what you’re doing with me. And more importantly, what you’re not doing. You’re never leaving- you never planned on it and you have no intention of being with me. What makes me the most upset is the fact that we have been doing this for a year and half and I still, somewhere in my heart, think that it could actually be something. That you might actually really love me.

 

But, I am fooling myself. I am a naive child to really think that. We’ve never even eaten a meal together. We have amazing sex. You make me feel a way that no one has ever made me feel. You are the first man to make me feel truly beautiful and comfortable with my body. Maybe that’s why it is so hard for me to let you go—because I don’t know that I can feel that way again… I don’t want to go back to being shy and unsure. But, I don’t have to. You don’t control that. And what I sometimes mistake for ‘compliments’ would probably be considered vulgar and disrespectful to other people. But, I let you treat me however you want. Because, it’s you. You manipulate me. You make comments that require me to feed your ego—tell you how much I want you, need you, how I cant wait to see you. You make me feel bad about wanting to have a life outside of you. I don’t make plans sometimes for fear that you might find a moment to spare for me. A moment to spare? That’s where I am now? That’s what I’m worth? Sitting at home pining away for a man who has to work me into his schedule when he can? Who can only see me when it’s convenient for him?

 

Seeing you walk down the hallway at work… I’m mesmerized by everything about you. At least, I think I am. It’s like this connection we have controls everything else with us. But, if you would have asked me how I felt three years ago when you came walking down the hallway…. I would have said nothing. I’m sure we would have smiled and said hello like usual. But, I never thought twice about you. I never gave you a second thought. Ever. You were old. Married. Kind of a father-like figure that I would ask questions. Someone that I thought would have been attractive when they were younger. But, otherwise—nothing. And even the first few weeks that you pursued me… I didn’t want it. You were too much, you kind of made me feel uncomfortable and pushed too hard. Then, I gave in. And I emotionally latched on to the way my body responded to you. But, it’s not my mind or my heart. It’s my body. And somewhere in this I let that get twisted.

 

 

 

But, here’s the craziest thing about this whole damn situation….. I can stop whenever I WANT to. And I want to. I just need to do it. The bad from this, the lows, the nights like tonight where I question everything and have to sit and wonder if youre going to talk to me again-- this shouldn’t happen. This should be enough to make me realize that I’m so over playing this game with you. I am helping you stay happy in your marriage by providing you with all you can’t get in it. I am your security blanket. I have always, always been there when you asked me to be. And you can’t even text me back sometimes? F you. Respect me enough to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Which you will only do when I start requiring you to do so. I can’t believe I’ve let this go on as long as it has. I’ve let myself become this person that I would hate if this situation was switched around. The people in my life who care about me and are there for me—would hate me if they knew this part I was playing. I might not be the one lying to someone I love anymore, but it isn’t right that I’m helping someone else do it. It isn’t right. It doesn’t matter that youre okay with it—I should want better for myself. I know better. I’m not okay with being the woman that ruins little kids lives…. all because I FEEL a certain way. Because, I don’t want to be alone or sad. Because, I feel like I need you. Is it really worth risking all the consequences that would come as a result of this? No. It’s just not worth it. Not anymore.

 

 

 

 

(I am still in my A. in fact, even though I was that upset last night- he called this morning and came over and it's all band-aided. because i let it be. ugh. but maybe enough letters like these and it will sink in.)

 

 

I feel your pain. What are you thinking you want to do?

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I feel your pain. What are you thinking you want to do?

 

 

thanks. I WANT to be with him so bad I can barely stand it sometimes. But, the smart, (still a good person in there somewhere-woman) in me knows that it just has to stop. And it's not going to until I say 'no more.' Tomorrow, I will change the routine. I will make it to where we don't see each other all day. It's small, but a start.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

greyhound, I don't want to t/j but I can't help myself, but that is so f'd up! You allow this man to use and humiliate you, for what, sex? Does his man ejaulate gold bullion from a gold penis or something? Get yourself to a therapist, pronto!

 

No. I just ... I dont know. I'm attached. I've never had a sexual connection like this with anyone before, or let myself be vulnerable physically. And it's just hard to detach. I've been seeing a therapist once a month for over the last year now (since the affair started and I was divorcing my husband). So, yes there's issues... just trying to be strong enough to make the changes.

Sorry for the t/j.

[SweetBella1]

Dear Dickwad,

 

There was a lot more coming.

 

You should've believed me.

 

Your loss. And I mean that sincerely.

 

Enjoy continuing to kill reserve animals, trying to manage your anger issues and controlling your poor young wife.

 

xo

me

[Finally Settled]

You'll be even less impressed with the full version. I'll continue tomorrow when I have a moment to respond properly.

 

Originally Posted by Listen2me

Going silent on OW whom you apparently "loved". I'm sure you were in great shock after getting caught, and you later "manned up" to discuss your feelings in this letter (after your wife caught you and threw you out, possibly)...however at the time manning up with some explanation to your OW would certainly have allevated some of this angst for her and for you. It was a little douchy to ignore her, even though in the end it worked out for the OW.

This is in response to a post from Listen2me that appears to have disappeared. Before I start, I would like to explain that my absence was due to an ill family member and not an avoidance of the comment.

I was caught through pure carelessness and my letter was a depiction of what I saw my exwife go through upon discovering my infidelity. I am ashamed to say that I sought my other woman out after only several weeks. I needed to be sure she knew how sorry I was for everything I had put her through and that I still loved her. Eventually I reconnected with her and things went back to how they were. My exwife still wanted nothing to do with professional help and I went to individual counselling again. Make no mistake, this is not an excuse for me running back into the burning building.

It was a year and a half later that my other woman said goodbye and left our relationship.

This post is a little jumbled and I am sorry for that. I'm still catching up on both work and life at the moment.