Dear Dickwad,. . .

[Finally Settled]

@FinallySettled

 

 

Wow. Just wow. Thank you for writing this and sharing your POV. It is very powerful.

 

I didn't wish to be intrusive, but I felt strongly that this was the perfect place to be so open. It was in no way intended to hurt either other women or betrayed wives.

 

I'm glad it did 'help'.

[Goodbye]

Finally Settled, thank you for sharing your story from the "dickwad" end. It was helpful to read. I suspect that is what is happening in my own saga with my exMM. How did your wife find out? How are things now?

[Finally Settled]

Finally Settled, thank you for sharing your story from the "dickwad" end. It was helpful to read. I suspect that is what is happening in my own saga with my exMM. How did your wife find out? How are things now?

 

You are very welcome Goodbye. I am part of a support group for cheating spouses and what I've written is not unique to me. My exwife most certainly had the worst of the emotional barrage that day, but I was hit hard as well. I was in shock at just how hard.

 

She was rightfully told by a family member. I am not at the beginning stages of a relationship with my other woman. My exwife and I have been separated for almost a year and a half, with the divorce having been finalized at the end of last year. Things are going very well now, but it has been a very long and arduous road.

 

I hope my words were of some help. I signed it a little tongue in cheek, but I am well aware I was Dick Wad to two wonderful women.

 

My very best to you Goodbye.

Edited April 24, 2013 by Finally Settled

[Goodbye]

FS, I'm confused. So now you are divorced and with the fOW?

[DelusionalOne]

I didn't wish to be intrusive, but I felt strongly that this was the perfect place to be so open. It was in no way intended to hurt either other women or betrayed wives.

 

I'm glad it did 'help'.

 

It does help.... More than you know.

[Finally Settled]

FS, I'm confused. So now you are divorced and with the fOW?

 

Yes, that is correct.

[lifelesson101]

Dear Other Woman,

 

When my wife found out about our affair it was the most overwhelming shock I have ever felt in my life. There is no kind way of describing this to you, so please understand my words are written to show the truth and not designed to hurt you. When I left work that morning I was sent off by the woman I had pledged to love, honor and protect. Upon returning from work that night I was met by the woman I had deceived, cheated on and deserted. All of the love I had for you when we spoke through the day went to dust as I saw her in front of me. I knew in a moment that she had found out. All of my fears played like a mad film in my mind. I saw the devastation my actions had created. I felt guilt bearing down on me. I saw our wedding day and the birth of our children. I felt guilt and fear as I had never experienced before.

 

Suddenly it was after midnight and we were both exhausted. I was torn between comforting her as she fell to sleep and stealing away to let you know what had happened. I chose to stay by her side, as I had let her down so cruelly for two years. To enhance my guilt I never had a moment pass where you weren't in my mind. My thoughts swung wildly between staying home where I was needed more than ever, and the possibility of allowing my imagination to come to life and getting to you. I have to say the sight of my actions sobbing in front of me tied me up and my place was by her side.

 

Soon a day had passed, and then another. I was very aware of my lack of communication to you, but I had made promises to my wife. I had hurt her so much that it seemed fair that I should hurt now. I'm sorry to say that in finally doing what I thought was right I ended up hurting you.

 

I wanted to stay. I wanted to go. My mind was a cacophony of thoughts and emotions and the thing that made me feel best was to take care of my wife. I needed to comfort her and I needed to keep my family intact. My greatest fears were all at my feet and I was in self preservation mode more than at any time in my life.

 

A week had passed and I finally had enough consecutive calm moments to email you, but the words didn't come. Each time I tried to lay them into some healing sequence I realized there was none. It was easier for me to convince myself you were better off without me and without my words. The guilt moved from my wife to you. I realized what an utter failure I was and how vast the hurt was that I had caused.

 

I should have sent a message. I should have let you know how much I love you and care for you. It seemed so hollow and crass to say those words and then say, but I need to stay here and make sure my family is ok. I need to figure out how I'm going to go forward. I am doubting everything about myself and my life. How hollow to say to you, I love you Darling, but I probably will stay where I am.

 

I had also made a promise to my wife. I promised her I would not contact you again, ever. I was so incredibly torn and afraid. I am a coward of the highest order and it was in those moments I realized that.

 

I am sorry. I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me and find someone who is worthy of your love. I wish I could convince myself these words will be of some comfort to you, but I know they will not.

 

x0.x0

 

Dick Wad

 

This was absolutely, hands down, the most helpful post I have read on this site. Thank you for taking the time to write it and share.

[Finally Settled]

You are very welcome Goodbye. I am part of a support group for cheating spouses and what I've written is not unique to me. My exwife most certainly had the worst of the emotional barrage that day, but I was hit hard as well. I was in shock at just how hard.

 

She was rightfully told by a family member. I am not at the beginning stages of a relationship with my other woman. My exwife and I have been separated for almost a year and a half, with the divorce having been finalized at the end of last year. Things are going very well now, but it has been a very long and arduous road.

 

I hope my words were of some help. I signed it a little tongue in cheek, but I am well aware I was Dick Wad to two wonderful women.

 

My very best to you Goodbye.

 

I see now what the confusion is. I stated that I am 'not' in the beginning stages of a relationship with my other woman. That should be I am in the beginning stages.

 

I apologize for the confusion.

[Jonah]

To all the girls I've loved before

Who traveled in and out my door

I'm glad they came along

I dedicate this song

To all the girls I've loved before

 

To all the girls I once caressed

And may I say I've held the best

For helping me to grow

I owe a lot I know

To all the girls I've loved before

 

The winds of change are always blowing

And every time I try to stay

The winds of change continue blowing

And they just carry me away

 

To all the girls who shared my life

Who now are someone else's wives

I'm glad they came along

I dedicate this song

To all the girls I've loved before

 

To all the girls who cared for me

Who filled my nights with ecstasy

They live within my heart

I'll always be a part

Of all the girls I've loved before

 

The winds of change are always blowing

And every time I try to stay

The winds of change continue blowing

And they just carry me away

 

(plagiarized)

[Finally Settled]

Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream

 

Drawn from the annals of my memory.

[So happy together]

I'm sorry I just find this behavior extremely wimpy and unattractive in a man.

 

I'd like to know what it is about his letter that you feel is wimpy or unattractive?

[Finally Settled]

I'm sorry I just find this behavior extremely wimpy and unattractive in a man.

 

Which behavior is that?

[Finally Settled]

I'm a former "dickward" and I'm wondering if I'm allowed to write a letter here as well? I am reconciled with my BS, so I am not sure I will receive such a warm welcome as Finally Settled gets since he still loves his OW and is not with his wife. I would just like to say, however, that I think that this is a great thread and I am truly sorry for the pain I have caused on all accounts to everyone I caused.

 

We have that in common JohnJacobs. I agree that your letter would be invaluable and I do encourage you to post it.

[Praying4Peace]

This is a great thread. Special thanks to the two males who 'manned up' and wrote in as well : )

 

If those two letters (plus all the MOW/OW/BS letters) show me anything, its that what seems 'all the same' on the outside is truly not so. To say all affairs are the same is like saying all marriages are the same. What? You fell in love, said 'I do" and bought a house and had a baby? I've heard that story a million times on this forum...lol.

 

It's clear that Finally Settled was in love and JohnJacobs had a deep friendship. There are just so many variables its nice to read all the different viewpoints. I hope to write my own Dickwad letter but to be honest thought I'm said I'm not feeling the "Dickwad" part (yet).

 

ps- as a married individual I am not saying that an affair and a marriage are on equal footing...just clarifying before I get clobbered.

[Finally Settled]

Going silent on OW whom you apparently "loved". I'm sure you were in great shock after getting caught, and you later "manned up" to discuss your feelings in this letter (after your wife caught you and threw you out, possibly)...however at the time manning up with some explanation to your OW would certainly have allevated some of this angst for her and for you. It was a little douchy to ignore her, even though in the end it worked out for the OW.

 

You'll be even less impressed with the full version. I'll continue tomorrow when I have a moment to respond properly.

[Goodbye]

I would love to hear the fuller version. Gives me some understanding of the inner workings of my exMM...not that that is a good thing, but yeah.

[Mycatsnuggles]

I love these posts. They are healing for all around. Finally and John thanks for the posts. Many OW end up with no answers. When I am wondering and weak I will come here and re-read these posts to reinforce the ending. There was a thread on the fidelity section about nc letters. These are why I think they should be written by the parties involved. Either of these letters let the OW know its over, know where she stood in the relationship. Ultimately thats what I would want to know.

 

To the BS, these are also important for OW/OM to know. Thank you for opening your hearts and feelings.

 

Thanks all. A slow start but good. Still not in a place to post...waiting for anger.

[egalew]

What an incredibly, powerful post. And I have to say reading everyone's letters -- especially from the men -- has been very therapeutic for me.

 

Lifelessons - your story is very similar to mine. I was intensely involved with someone for over a year. He was involved in every aspect of my -- and my daughter's life -- and then a week before X-mas he abruptly ended it. We too discussed how we would end it. As he pointed out....then "Regardless, we'll always have a great friendship because that's how he started out....."

 

I didn't get two lines. But it read like a f----- form letter you'd get from the H.R. department. "Thank you for your inquiry, but your services are no longer needed."

 

I never responded and never will. But the pain was crippling, mind blowing. Thus, I wrote countless letters that I never sent.

 

Really, at this point all I have to say would be this:

 

Dear ______:

 

Your life is nothing but lies and exaggerations in an attempt to escape the horrible truth about yourself. Your selfish, narcissistic ways have hurt countless people.

 

Does it every bother you to think about what you become?

 

I should hate you for the way you casually discard me like a used tissue. Instead, I pity you.

 

 

I never contacted the wife, but here's what I like to say to her:

 

Dear Wife -

 

At what point do you stop paying the bill and care taking?

 

He's a liar and abuser who is totally self absorbed.

 

Any questions, just ask. I'll tell you whatever you want to know.

Edited April 25, 2013 by egalew

[bellasue]

I, too, am looking forward to the full version and appreciate the men's perspective and thoughtful insight. Finally: I feel as if you were my xAP writing to me. I was dumped in a two line text message. We had been friends for a decade, the A is only four months old, but he told me every day how much he loved me, and cared for me......until dday when he said "I don't love you anymore." How can someone switch off their feelings in the course of two days?!!!! At any rate, he said his W ordered no contact and that was it. Feeling he owed me a little more in the way of explanation, I went to his workplace, and he stood in the parking lot and treated me in ice cold fashion. Not a hint of the tender, loving man I had been with just a few days earlier. I can only guess that he was feeling extremely guilty on both fronts and just didn't know exactly how to deal with me. Otherwise it hurts my heart and soul so badly to know he could treat someone he supposedly "loved" in such a cold and cowardly manner.

 

I look forward to reading everyone's replies. Good thread!

[ThatJustHappened]

It's sad that there are so many dickwads in the world.

 

Plenty of c*ntrags to go along with all the dickwads...

[daylily]

Dear OW,

 

I am sorry for the pain that i caused you. While i will never understand first hand what you are going through, i am genuinely sorry that you are hurt by my actions and yours. we should have never developed a relationship the way we did. we should have kept it professional and stuck to small talk. i should not have confided into you instead of my wife. what i shared with you, i should have shared with my wife. i did not lead you on or tell you that i wanted to be with you. at the time i did not see our ea as anything more than a friendship. i cared for you, but i was not in love with you. i guess that our relationship was an escape for me, as selfish as that is, from the problems that i had. i am now with my wife and we are trying to reconcile. i do regret our relationship. it was so wrong of me to hurt the woman i love the way i did, and yes, it was wrong of me to hurt you as well. i sent you an nc letter and all that i ask is that you respect it. i know you are hurting, you have told me so, and i know that you blame me for all of the fall out, but i just ask that you respect it. i believe that we can all heal if we just stick to the nc. i do think that you are a nice woman, and i hope that you can heal and continue with your life as i am trying.

 

** i am sorry for the jumbled mess of a letter that was. lots of thoughts going around in my head and i wanted to be as nice as possible as i know there are those who are hurting.

 

John,

 

I loved your letter and admire you for standing by your wife. I had an affair with a MM (I was single) for three years. I talk about it on another thread so I wont go into it here. Suffice to say, looking back those are three years of my life I can never recover that I gave to a man who didn't love me. Initially, when he dumped me it hurt like hell. But I stuck to no contact. After a couple months and intense personal therapy I truly healed.

 

It takes time... time heals all things... and things got better and I got stronger. I met a single man who I have been with for awhile and he is amazing. I thank the MM now for dumping me, or I would never have met the man I am with. (Though, the situation got kind of wacky recently. You can read about that on the other thread if you are interested. It doesn't really pertain to this one.)

 

In a nutshell, I just wanted to let you know that abruptly ending it with a woman you are not in love with ... affair or not, is sometimes the best way to do it. There is no sense in prolonging something that is never going to amount to anything. It gives the other person time to heal and frees them to meet someone who can love them the way they deserve to be loved.

[Praying4Peace]

Bellasue, he probably treated you in that manner because he was respecting (or trying to) his wifes request of no contact and you popped in on him and contacted him.

 

i know that no ow on here wants to listen to a ws who is not in love or pining for their ow, but i believe that in some of you alls cases, it may not pan out the way that finally settled situation did. sometimes it is true that the ws is done, at least for the time being (or hopefully more) and i feel like if you all tried to heal and disconnect you all would be happier. but thats just me.

 

i wonder if my letter hurt feelings because everyone is responding to finallys and not mine? i guess it doesnt matter but i do hope that my letter helped in one way or another.

 

Actually JohnJacobs I thought your letter was just as useful as Finally's. The thing is we come to these message boards and we are looking for...something. Something that was left unsaid, something that is causing us to replay things over and over in our minds. Basically- the closure that comes from within. After D-day or the end of the A things are too raw. We are a mess of emotions and feelings...bleeding out. You can't see clearly then. Everyone thinks they were in the greatest love story, many assume that the MM or MW wanted to leave for them, most want to believe that the exAP is suffering and missing them. Is it true? Who knows? I think only the person seeking the answers knows.

 

So when one reads your letter- there may be this lightbulb moment if you've made it far enough out of the affair to evaluate clearly. You might realize- 'this is what we had, this fits my reality'. Or you might read Finally's letter and say "Even if it ended- this fits in with what I truly believe." Its so important to see all sides. Even a mean and nasty "I wanted to get laid for my ego alone" type letter.

 

Thanks for posting bc to do so in your situation where you AREN"T pining away just shows that you are a nice person who feels really bad that things got out of hand and people got hurt.

[Praying4Peace]

Dear OW, I hope you have spent the last year feeling lied to, betrayed and used. I hope you feel like garbage that was tossed to the curb. I hope your heart shattered into a million pieces. I hope that you will doubt the honesty of every person you have to deal with in your life from here on out.

 

I hope your father who so supported your affair and just loved H now gets to watch you hurt and be in pain and I hope it rips his heart out. I hope all the friends and family who supported you in this feel guilt for encouraging you every time they see you cry.

 

I hope you feel old, ugly, alone and unwanted. I hope you feel so rotten about yourself that you couldn't even keep a man who told you how unhappy he was and you still got dumped.

 

Mostly though,I hope you just crawl back under your rock so all the bunnies in the world can breath easier.

 

This is NOT an Dear OW thread. Sheesh- you've got the whole internet to dump on the OW, why are you bringing it to this thread? This thread is to write letters to your ex Married or Unmarried Affair Partner.

[ThatJustHappened]

This is NOT an Dear OW thread. Sheesh- you've got the whole internet to dump on the OW, why are you bringing it to this thread? This thread is to write letters to your ex Married or Unmarried Affair Partner.

 

Actually the original post says write a letter to the person who hurt you. It doesn't specify that your dickwad has to be your affair partner.

 

Though, Paperangel, I have to agree that that letter might get a better reception in the infidelity section. Why not start a new thread there? I'm sure it would help people in that section as much as it's helping the people in this section.

[Praying4Peace]

Oops! I'm so sorry! You were right. My bad.

 

I haven't had my coffee yet and I guess your post just made me sad (as an ex-OW/MOW).

 

You have every right to vent also. Hurt is hurt. I feel like a jackass now.