Best friend and boyfriend dilemma over boyfriends cocaine use

[Katy1989]

It's with a really heavy heart that I come here to ask for some advice because of the nature of my problem Nd the conflict it has already caused with one of my dearest friends I am afraid to ask anyone else IRL.

 

Basically I've fallen deeply in love with what I feel is an amazing mAn he is five years older than me 28 and I'm 23 he is a divorcee with two little boys and I have no children of my own but I care full time for my grandfather who has dementia. In every other respect this man is amazing he is caring mature and I feel safe around him (my previous bf of 5 years was emotionally abusive) and after a time away and being single developing my confidence esteem etc i took the plunge and started dating again this is when I met my bf.

 

Anyway skipping forward slightly I know he used to use cocaine heavily he earns a lot of money so financially this was neve a problem he knows that because of what happened in my last relationship (ex was heavily involved in th drugs world) that I would not tolerate this as an every day occurrence I myself do not use drugs and because of my severe Adhd I have to use controlled medications using any narcotics would put me at risk of never bein able to receive the medication necessary to treat my ADHD. So anyway he knows I don't like it and the lifestyle heavy users have. He assured me he didn't use anymore at all and that it was all In his past but a few weekends ago he picked up and was sniffing the entire day we spent together I didn't say anything initially as on w off use to me really is no bother however I went on a double date with me best friend her bf and my bf the entire night he was in and out of the men's room on his mobile and it became apparent to all of us he was using. My friend went home and cried to a relative because she is so afraid of me falling into the trap I was in with my ex and she HATES drugs I was humiliated that he did this in front of my best friend and her partner both respectable and clean living with good jobs they have both witnessed the agony I went through with my ex and have now said to me they won't be going out with me again if he is there

 

Now I truly love this man inside out faults or none but I love my best friend dearly and can't face making her cry and worry like that again. Also this girl is very important to me and for her of all people to accept and get on with my bf. and my bf was clear on my tolerance for drug use and it would seem that his initial claim of never using anymore ans if so very rarely was a lie

I know he may have withheld this info from me because he was eager to please me and wants to be with me but I just don't know what to do and what truly is the extent of his use and how do I go about addressing this the man would literally do anything for me but drugs are a different issue altogether I know this and really I'd prefer he didn't do it around me or my friends though this could drive the problem underground further n make him feel he has to lie more etc what do you all think generally of this situation

[Phoebe]

I think that it's troubling that you went from a 5 year relationship with an emotionally abusive addict to a new relationship with a "former" drug user. You need to address why you keep picking these people as partners. I do not believe the situation with your boyfriend is going to end well.

 

I would also recommend that you visit The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com

[freestyle]

Addicts lie, period.

 

Please think long & hard about scrapping a long-term friendship, for a man who hasn't been entirely honest with you.....

[almond]

There are two options here:

 

Number one: he could not control his usage to the point where he couldn't help but make it obvious to you and your friends.

 

Number two: he could have chosen to control his use, but did not have enough respect for you or your relationship with your best friend to do so.

 

Either way, this is absolutely no good.

 

You have expressed your fears about his usage, and made it clear that it would be a huge problem for you due to trauma in the past. This man has not respected that, and this is definitely something you need to bring up to him.

 

Lay down your boundaries and rules regarding his cocaine usage in no uncertain terms. Make it clear as to how horrible this was for you, and for your friends. Be sure to tell him, and MEAN IT, that you will end this relationship if his drug use ever negatively impacts you again.

 

If it does, end it immediately. He may or may not be an addict, but at the very least, he severely disrespected you, and that is absolutely not on. You deserve better.

[ForeverHopeful1]

Speaking from my own personal experience in dealing with it, he is using. Users lie. I didn't leave my H (bf at the time) but I cannot say it was easy at all. It was all or nothing for me and I was not standing for it. Fortunately, he wanted to change his life and fight his addiction. If he didn't want to change, that was fine. I just wasn't willing to watch anymore or enable him anymore. It never goes away. I can spot it from a mile away and it sounds like you can too. Follow your instincts and do what you feel is right. Do not fall into the same trap. Your friend has a right to be worried for you and I think you know that.

 

It sounds like you have a big decision to make xoxoxoxo thinking of you and hoping you stand up for you!!! Good luck.

[Feelin Frisky]

Sorry you let yourself get emotionally invested in this guy before you knew. This has to a "sobering" moment for you. I was going to start a thread about asking if people know what it's like to go with someone for a short while and think it's great and then the other person just does something or shows you something about them that makes you come face to face with yourself where you realize I don't know who this is? But I thought I'd hold it until I could develop it without being verbose. I'm afraid you will have to take this discovery as that wake up call that you loved an illusion that you created for him but had no idea who he was. This is who he is and there is no hal measures in getting away from that drug. Maybe one can start feeling accomplished after, say, five years but if it's just months or one or two years they are still too close to the fire. You're more than encouraged to break with him and don't listen.