17 year search ends..now what?

[Three Nines Fine]

I am the OM in an EA with a MW.

 

 

 

First let me illustrate the history of this relationship. We first met in '85 and became high school sweethearts. Adolescent love turned into adult love over the next eleven years together. We connected on every level possible and we were extremely passionate together. It never got old. The last two years were not our best as she suffered from an addiction problem and I didn't deal with it well. I was in college and she remained in our hometown throughout '96. Our meetings became less frequent, though are love for each other never waned. I saw her eight or nine times that year and each time we were together it was just like the first. Loads of passion, lots of laughs and fantastic dialogue. We were cut from the same cloth. She was my best friend and my best lover.

 

It wasn't uncommon for us to go two or more months without much contact in the last years. I was starting to think the relationship had run its course and would probably end soon. I was sad about it but not terribly so. I assumed she would always be there, if not as a lover, as a friend. November 1996 was the last time I saw her. Six months later, none of my contacts for her worked and I had also changed addresses. We had lost contact (remember, these are pre google/facebook years).

 

The realization of finality was crushing. We had just burned an eleven year, loving relationship to the ground without a single word. No final argument, no ultimatums, not even a good bye. We both turned our back for what seemed like a moment and we were lost forever. I was devastated. How could I (we) be so careless? I reluctantly picked up the pieces and moved on. I had some great relationships from '97-00 but I wasn't connecting with anyone as deeply as I connected with her. I knew what we had was special, what I didn't know was that it was uncommon and extraordinary.

 

I started searching the internet every three months or so. Around mid 2000, I found her on a popular class reunion site. I noticed her last name had changed. I was thoroughly gutted. I sent a quick note through the reunion site congratulating her on her marriage. I didn't get a response. I noticed that she hadn't responded to anyone under that profile. Within a month, her profile was removed.

 

Fast forward thirteen years. I had been through a couple relationships and two failed engagements. I was still searching the internet for my lost love at a rate of probably twice a year. However, at this point it was more curiosity than anything.

 

March of this year I signed up to a reunion site to try and contact my college roommates. While I was on I searched her name and it came up. She had recent posts listed publicly. I sent her a quick note and got a response within minutes. I looked at the unopened email icon for a full minute, like I had just witnessed a ghost. Her response was "oh my god! Do you know it's been 17 years?

 

We proceeded to enter a marathon of email and texts. It was emotional. The time between us felt like three months, not seventeen years.

 

She did indeed marry in 2000. Her and her husband started a very successful business and have two children together. She loves her children and her current lifestyle but professes to be in a passionless marriage. You can tell where this is going..

 

We started an EA less than a week into our first contact. Things heated up right away and it wasn't long before we were talking a private meet. I knew what she was risking even if she didn't and I advised her to rethink the whole thing. I told her if her needs were not being met, she needs to take steps to fix it or move on and that stepping out on a marriage is not something you can come back from. None of it was getting through to her. All she wanted was one night. I know right from wrong, but I was very conflicted with the decision. I needed that "last night" with her too. Right before I was going to commit to that night, she pulled the plug stating she came to her senses. I was half relieved, half disappointed. We agreed to remain friends. But can we be? The tension between us is staggering. We have unfinished business together. We have agreed on a "friendly" dinner date but quite honestly, I don't trust either of us in each others presence. What's my play here? The thought of going NC would level me considering our history and 17 year search for each other.

 

I look forward to your responses. Thank you in advance.

[movingon45]

That's like my story - LOTS of history between us.

 

I reckon that you have not gone all the way before? We have not done it (the physical act) and that's one of our unfinished business. We did it once, and we wanted more. In our 9 month affair we did it thrice until I decided to end it. Now, I'm having difficulty moving on from our short lived affair. My advice is NOT to go there. Continuing to contact each other will just be too much of a temptation. You have to let go.

[Radu]

Let me reframe this in a more 'positive' way.

 

 

17yrs.

17 bloody yrs.

What you don't realise is that the dumper always has the upper hand, and you never reconciled with that.

The dumpee is put into a situation of unresolved emotions, he/she had no dumping ground for them, no right to say their peace.

And because of that you have tailed her for 17yrs.

You call her your lost love.

 

I call someone in your situation a fool, and her a b*tch, for playing with you.

For throwing you to the wolves for her own benefit.

Do you think that someone who cares about another being throws that person to the wolves ?

 

She dumped you in '96 and initiated NC to get over you.

She did not tell you this, she sprang this on you, so first time coward.

She dumped you again in mid 2000, when you found her on that reunion site, when she deleted her profile ... you think she didn't see your mail ?

She did that because she just got married, wanted to get over you, wanted to focus on family/husband/kids.

And now, when it suits her, she is ok with contact ... you think because she loves you or cares about you ?

Bullsh*t, she just wants passion, a fling, to f*ck someone, now that her ducks have been lined up.

If it wasn't for her marriage failing, she would still not care about you.

 

So you are faced with a dilemma.

Either turn the tables on her, go NC with or without calling her a b*tch through mail/phone [i would even contact her husband, because she did not act right], or again be the doggy she needs.

The former might allow you to have some normal relationship without her shadow looming over your mind, as you will be the dumper [finally].

The latter, will see you set in this horrible situation for another 17yrs.

Edited April 23, 2013 by Radu

[18Years2Late]

BTDT...got the ripped up t-shirt...

 

read my posts...look at my LS "screen name"...please walk away with your pride and sanity intact...it's not going to end well...there's no fairy tale and a white horse where you'll both ride off into the sunset the "way it was supposed to be"...people will get hurt...her KIDS will get hurt...I feel ur pain...I witnessed everything first hand that your taking about with those 1st initial months of contact after 18 years...the sheer exhilaration was unmatched by anything ever before and maybe ever again...it's going to be hard to make it stop now...but trust me the damage to YOU will be much worse later...

 

I know you won't listen but DON'T DO IT...think of it this way...she's got access to the same Internet, the same World Wide Web, the same search engines and the same social networks that you have...she could have found you just like you found her right?...she didn't...if she wanted to find you she could have...maybe that will help you walk away...

[Three Nines Fine]

That's like my story - LOTS of history between us.

 

I reckon that you have not gone all the way before?

 

We have not. In fact, we haven't even had a face to face yet..

 

What you don't realise is that the dumper always has the upper hand, and you never reconciled with that.

The dumpee is put into a situation of unresolved emotions, he/she had no dumping ground for them, no right to say their peace.

 

I never quite viewed it that way. Our separation felt very mutual. We never had harsh words at the end. Within six months we had both changed addresses. Our connection was simply lost. I'm not even certain I owned a cell phone in '96..

 

I call someone in your situation a fool, and her a b*tch, for playing with you.

 

I agree. When I look at it objectively, the whole thing appears foolish. I wish love were that simple..

 

She dumped you again in mid 2000, when you found her on that reunion site, when she deleted her profile ... you think she didn't see your mail ?

 

That's a logical point. However, I myself am guilty of creating a profile on a reunion site and ignoring it completely after the first day of use because I couldn't find someone I was looking for. She swears she never received that email. Could she be lying? Of course.

 

 

Bullsh*t, she just wants passion, a fling, to f*ck someone, now that her ducks have been lined up.

 

That is entirely possible.

 

.... without calling her a b*tch through mail/phone [i would even contact her husband, because she did not act right]

 

There is no way I could do that. I'm not a vindictive person by nature. Sharing our information with her husband would destroy her. I understated how successful their business is, it's more of a mini empire. I have no Ill will towards this women.

 

BTDT...got the ripped up t-shirt...

 

read my posts...look at my LS "screen name"...please walk away with your pride and sanity intact...it's not going to end well...there's no fairy tale and a white horse where you'll both ride off into the sunset the "way it was supposed to be"...people will get hurt...her KIDS will get hurt...I feel ur pain...I witnessed everything first hand that your taking about with those 1st initial months of contact after 18 years...the sheer exhilaration was unmatched by anything ever before and maybe ever again...it's going to be hard to make it stop now...but trust me the damage to YOU will be much worse later...

 

I know you won't listen but DON'T DO IT...think of it this way...she's got access to the same Internet, the same World Wide Web, the same search engines and the same social networks that you have...she could have found you just like you found her right?...she didn't...if she wanted to find you she could have...maybe that will help you walk away...

 

Thank you so much for that. I will definitely seek out your previous posts. It sounds like we may have traveled along the same path.

 

 

Thank you all for your responses. I look forward to reading more. I am leaning towards NC with this women. That is going to be tough for me. I want to have a face to face with her before I do.

[RickFox]

And a face to face will accomplish what? It will stoke whatever fires there may be and in the end, she will not choose you and you will have been hurt further.

 

You have gone this long without contact, you have lived in a fantasy and that is all this is...a fantasy. Let it go, let her go and live your life while she lives hers.

 

I cannot see any good coming of a face to face nor continued contact. I promise you she will get on just fine as will you, if you choose to.

[whichwayisup]

You opened pandora's box by reaching out to her. She never once tried to find you...Says something doesn't it? Fact too, she got married and had children.

 

This is sad because you're still holding a deep flame for her, and she's moved on with her life, 2 children and is successful.

 

You do not know her anymore. People change and yes, you may *know* her on some level but you do not know her now and who is she, all that she's been through in the past xx amount of years..Her experiences, good and bad. You still remember her as things were before.

 

Yes the passion is still there. SO what? Yes, sexual and emotional. So what? SHE is married. You made a huge mistake and so did she. I am glad she changed her mind.. Now, you need to tell her goodbye, wish her well and close the door. Forever. Find love! Make a family! Live life!

 

Just because you love her and she may love you, doesn't mean you two have to be together. friendship will not work because of your past. Best to sever it now and grieve the loss again.

 

17 years is such a long time.

[whichwayisup]

 

Thank you all for your responses. I look forward to reading more. I am leaning towards NC with this women. That is going to be tough for me. I want to have a face to face with her before I do.

 

No, don't. You've gone many MANY years without seeing her..DO NOT push this. You made a mistake by reaching out. As soon as you found out she was married you should have wished her well and left it at that.. Now you KNOW she is married (I do not believe her marriage is falling apart btw, she just told you that to ripen you selfishly for an inappropriate flirtation and ego feed) and has children, leave her alone. no good can come of this and it'll hurt you more if you see her and speak to her face to face than it will just to walk away now. Please, respect her husband and her children ... Let go and move on.

[thefooloftheyear]

You know what I find funny? Because I am old enough to remember when NASA was the only one with a computer I wonder if you would have ever been in this postion without accessibility?

 

I believe that accessibility in this New World we live in is as much of a curse as it is a benefit. No one has any anonymity any more and accessibility is the reason you are probably in the life predicament you are now.

 

Take heed of the others before me...believe me you are in for a world of hurt if you think this is going to go well. It wont....I promise you that...

 

TFY

[movingon45]

We have not. In fact, we haven't even had a face to face yet..

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you all for your responses. I look forward to reading more. I am leaning towards NC with this women. That is going to be tough for me. I want to have a face to face with her before I do.

 

 

I meant you have never done it before ever even in the past, because that's our situation that's why the urgency to meet was so great and of course we were burned.

 

Don't do face to face, but of course it's up to you. If you are the type who can move on quickly (sounds like no?) then it's fine because you might regret not doing this last one thing. However, if you are like me who's emotional and romantic and have difficulty moving on, then DON'T!

[Radu]

We have not. In fact, we haven't even had a face to face yet..

When you do, you will end up in bed.

 

 

I never quite viewed it that way. Our separation felt very mutual. We never had harsh words at the end. Within six months we had both changed addresses. Our connection was simply lost. I'm not even certain I owned a cell phone in '96..

Then why are you still pining for her ?

If she wanted you, or cared about you, she could have found you.

The same could be said about you, but we are analyzing her here, and trying to give you advice, not her.

I feel completely justified in demonizing her for this.

 

I agree. When I look at it objectively, the whole thing appears foolish. I wish love were that simple..

It's not love, it's infatuation.

And the moment you realise this, you will have a weapon to beat it.

She has rented space in your mind, setup shop, but pays no rent and won't go away.

Make her go away, you can reprogram your own mind.

It's quite simple, all you have to do is see her in a bad light.

 

Tbh, it's quite possible that she was just strong [high emotional intelligence], knew what she wanted and worked hard for it.

Both in her business, and in her relationship with him and you.

 

But it's not fair to you, because everything has been done on her terms.

Done when she wanted it, how she wanted it.

The only way to beat her at this game, the only way to kick her out of your head, is to refuse to play the game, and be the dumper; you need to dump her.

'It was fun, but it's not for me anymore, it was too long ago, bye.'

And never even acknowledge her, never answer to her, never do anything.

 

That's a logical point. However, I myself am guilty of creating a profile on a reunion site and ignoring it completely after the first day of use because I couldn't find someone I was looking for. She swears she never received that email. Could she be lying? Of course.

Why do you believe her ?

Did you know this woman completely ?

I don't think you did.

I think you want to believe her.

I don't, both because it seems to be somewhat improbable, and because it would suit me to not believe her.

 

 

That is entirely possible.

 

There is no way I could do that. I'm not a vindictive person by nature. Sharing our information with her husband would destroy her. I understated how successful their business is, it's more of a mini empire. I have no Ill will towards this women.

Call a duck a duck.

She is a cheater, she cheated on her husband, and if this blows over, it will mean the destruction of :

- the family for the kids

- the business for them, as it will be sold and split

The latter will affect employees, who have their own families to feed, their kids to take care of.

You've seen what happened to some of the men who lost their jobs during this depression, some of them lost their families.

 

All because she is a selfish individual, who can't find her big girl underwear.

 

 

Thank you all for your responses. I look forward to reading more. I am leaning towards NC with this women. That is going to be tough for me. I want to have a face to face with her before I do.

That's not NC.

That's this woman, in your head, her presence there, that is trying to convince you to meet with her.

That's the addiction you have for her, the dark side whispering in your ear.

 

The only way to fix this, is to admit that her memory in your mind was and still is an addiction, and treat it as such.

[GreySkyMorning]

No no no, please don't do it. I'm just now trying to extricate myself from the exact same situation and nothing in my life has ever hurt me so bad before.

 

Like you, we were in a relationship 18-19 years ago, went our separate ways after some time, lot of unresolved stuff between us still, no contact at all for all these years. Then two years ago, I found him on Facebook. We messaged hacks ND forth, he wanted to meet for a coke and catch up. I knew he was married. I met him anyway. From the minute he got out of his truck, I was back in time to all those years ago. We started an affair that very day. Neither of us planned on it happening, thought it wouldn't, didn't have any intentions of it, nothing. It was just a few minutes to catch up on all those years.

 

The whole thing lasted almost two years. It ended horribly about a month ago with his wife being told about it and me going right under the bus tires. Nothing, NOTHING, in my life has been as painful as what I've dealt with in the last two years. Please don't do it. You'll regret it.

[thefooloftheyear]

No no no, please don't do it. I'm just now trying to extricate myself from the exact same situation and nothing in my life has ever hurt me so bad before.

 

Like you, we were in a relationship 18-19 years ago, went our separate ways after some time, lot of unresolved stuff between us still, no contact at all for all these years. Then two years ago, I found him on Facebook. We messaged hacks ND forth, he wanted to meet for a coke and catch up. I knew he was married. I met him anyway. From the minute he got out of his truck, I was back in time to all those years ago. We started an affair that very day. Neither of us planned on it happening, thought it wouldn't, didn't have any intentions of it, nothing. It was just a few minutes to catch up on all those years.

 

The whole thing lasted almost two years. It ended horribly about a month ago with his wife being told about it and me going right under the bus tires. Nothing, NOTHING, in my life has been as painful as what I've dealt with in the last two years. Please don't do it. You'll regret it.

 

Easy accessibility rearing its ugly head again..I would love to know how many people have ruined their otherwise normal lives by misusing FB and allowing weakness to get the better of them. I bet its a staggering amount.

 

OP take heed at these warnings. Its as serious as a heart attack. GreySky. I feel you r pain...All too well as a matter of fact. Feel like an emotionally gutted person. Id rather lose a limb than deal with this crap. Hang in there and do your best to rebuild your life. I have you in my thoughts.

 

TFY

[Three Nines Fine]

..Now you KNOW she is married (I do not believe her marriage is falling apart btw, she just told you that to ripen you selfishly for an inappropriate flirtation and ego feed) and has children, leave her alone. no good can come of this and it'll hurt you more if you see her and speak to her face to face than it will just to walk away now. Please, respect her husband and her children ... Let go and move on.

 

I decided to end it without a face to face and go NC. it's best for everyone. I typed up a quick two paragraph note early this morning with the intention of sending it later this evening. I received a phone call from her around noon today and she expressed great remorse about what we had contemplated. She also admitted to embellishing the story about her marriage being less than great.

 

You hit the nail on the head.. Quite the insight you have..

 

...It's not love, it's infatuation.

And the moment you realise this, you will have a weapon to beat it.

She has rented space in your mind, setup shop, but pays no rent and won't go away.

Make her go away, you can reprogram your own mind.

It's quite simple, all you have to do is see her in a bad light.

...That's the addiction you have for her, the dark side whispering in your ear.

 

The only way to fix this, is to admit that her memory in your mind was and still is an addiction, and treat it as such.

 

This helped me a lot in my decision. Infatuation can be confused for love when your in the fog of excitement. Your analogies are very well interpreted. Thank you.

 

No no no, please don't do it. I'm just now trying to extricate myself from the exact same situation and nothing in my life has ever hurt me so bad before....It ended horribly about a month ago with his wife being told about it and me going right under the bus tires. Nothing, NOTHING, in my life has been as painful as what I've dealt with in the last two years. Please don't do it. You'll regret it.

 

Thank you for sharing that. I could've easily been in your shoes. I can't imagine..I wish you well.

 

 

 

I actually felt relief after our phone call today. I feel as though I sidestepped a hole in bridge, so to speak. I still have a bit of regret for not having a face to face, but I'm guessing it's far less than the regret I would have if we did.

 

Thank you to all who responded. I don't know if my choice would have been as clear without the LS community.