advice needed for friend

[brooke]

i really need to give my best friend some advice. i've never been in a situation like this before, i'm a bit baffled by the events, and i don't know what to say to her, so here goes:

 

my best friend has everything going for her - very pretty, good body, smart, funny, loyal, trustworthy. she's a great person to know, and she can attract a guy easily, although she's not fazed by any attention she gets from men (she's not up herself at all).

 

she was seeing a guy for almost a year. they were totally rapt in each other, were like two peas in a pod and complemented each ohter completely. they were one of the few relationships amongst our friends we were all thought they were just so good together. i was very happy for her because he treated her like a goddess and would do anything for her. they really were an awesome couple, the kind that you envy in so many ways.

 

then he left her for someone else, out of the blue. i think i was as shocked as her. if you knew this couple, you would be too.

 

what i can't explain to her is why he would have done this. i mean, everyone who knows this couple is dumbfounded. they never fought or bickered and were so alike. he thought she was the bees knees, and always has, right from the beginning. he'd do anything for her, right from throwing her a surprise party for her birthday, to visiting her at home on his lunch break when she was off work for a week sick. he treated her like every girl wants to be treated, and she was the same with him and they were so inlove. i honestly feel it is such a shame and my heart goes out to her, and i do find this very confusing that i don't know what to say.

 

what cuts her up, and has me baffled, is how can someone who thinks the world of a person, leave them for someone else, when everything they've wanted in a person, was right in front of them? he was in awe of her!!!

 

she thinks that he might have met this other girl while they were still together, because when she looks back on things now, there were a couple of times he'd say things to her as though he was trying to give her the s***s, and once when she was upset about something he didn't show much concern. she was upset about his lack of concern at first, but put it behind her because he has always shown nothing but concern. she also trusted him deeply and is so confused and hurt now.

 

my opinion of him has somewhat lowered for a couple of reasons too due to the fact that she trusted him so much. it meant a lot to him to be trusted, she did, and he does this to her. also, she spoke to him because she was confused and wanted answers to try and move on, and he said some really low things to her to upset her. a day later, he apologizes for his mean behaviour and says he still loves her etc etc, but the relationship is over. now she is more confused.

 

anyway, i don't know what to say to her about this. she is deeply upset by everything, and is heartbroken that her deep trust in him was betrayed. i'm worried that she will have problems trusting guys in the future. her only other boyfriend, before this one, was abusive and cheated on her. she had no self-esteem after that, and waited a year before getting invloved with someone else, because she wanted to be ready emotionally. then this guy turned her world around by giving her every reason to trust him, then he turned it upside down again. one minute he idolised her, the next, he dumps her.

 

it hurts me to see her like this. she really has no luck and we all thought this guy was the one for her. i feel her self-esteem has plummeted (again), and her view of men has become somewhat cynical. she knows what she has to offer a guy and i will say, not because i'm biased, that she's a rare catch for a guy. he knew that too, so what do i say to her about what has happened? she's worried that every guy she meets will leave her for someone else. she's convinced men "think with their dicks" and that she will never be enough for one guy because they will always want someone prettier than her. this has made her feel so insecure because it's the second time it's happened, and she honestly has done nothing wrong to either of these guys.

 

i would really appreciate some good advice from anyone, because i'm stuck on what to say to comfort her and i'm worried about her. to this day, he still thinks she's such a beautiful person and loves her, but now she thinks she's not good enough. i hate seeing her like this. i can't see anything logical in it that i can help her with, but i've never been in this situation before which makes it harder to give advice. can anyone give me some advice i can pass on to her?

 

thank you.

[Rogue]

There are a few things you can tell her to ease the pain.Sometimes,breaking up with someone is a lot more painful than it has to be.That's because people let the break-up affect them too personally.It's not always their fault,but they end up blaming themselves for some strange reason.

 

Firstly,it wasn't her fault he left her.There could be a gazillion reasons he did,and not a single one of them could have been about her. Just cause someone breaks up with you,doesn't make you a failure or a loser. Breakups just happen,and they happen to almost everybody. She could be the most perfect person in the world,she could win the Nobel prize,she could end world hunger and this guy STILL would've broken up with her. Did she grow an extra eyebrow because someone dumped her,and she's ugly all of a sudden? Tell her it's silly to think badly of herself just cause some guy left her.She is still beautiful,and nice..she hasn't changed at all just her perception of herself has.

 

Secondly,no one is irreplaceable,though some are harder to replace than others.If she could enter one loving relationship,she could enter another.If you know how to connect to one human being,you can connect to another.It's that simple. There will be other guys to fall in love with,it doesn't end here for her.

 

Thirdly,was this guy REALLY as good as she thought he was? I'm mean,nobody is perfect,and I'm sure this guy had his share of flaws. Be honest. I'm sure he did his share of dumb,ignorant things. Tell her to remember some of those things and be grateful.

 

Fourth, do she really want to scare away the other men who will later turn up in her life with her attitude? How would the other men who come later react to her new found cynism? Are they really just carbon copies of this guy? I doubt it. How would the ex feel if he knew how hurt she was? I bet he'd be a little flattered. Don't give him that satisfaction. Being happy and smiling is her best revenge on the guy who left her.

 

Also, she has to remember that there is no justice in Love or War.Stuff happens,and sometime you end up with the short end of the stick.There's no use getting angry or spiteful because that is how romantic love works.Romantic love is just unfair sometimes,and if you get dealt a bad hand,just cut your losses and move on. Being angry won't change anything.

 

If she has the right attitude,she can come up a winner in all this.She really could.Her relationship was great but it's over now----except for the good memories and the lessons in life she's learned. She's can learn not to put your self-esteem on the outcome of any relationship,she can learn how to have a positive attitude in times of stress.She can also learn about her friends who care enough about her to look for advice for her problems. There's a lot of good that can come from this.You tell her that.

[brooke]

Your advice was put so well. I think i've been trying too hard to think of what to say to her, but now i know. What you said was very refreshing and very true.

 

I think she is taking it very personally. She knows she did nothing wrong, but I think she feels there must be something about her that wasn't enough, but hopefully that feeling will only be temporary. I really like the part where you say --

 

If she could

enter one loving relationship,she could enter another.If you know how to connect to one human being,you can connect to another.It's that simple. There will be other guys to fall in love with,it doesn't end here for her.

I don't think she will scare away any men yet. I know she wants to be on her own until she doesn't have these cynical feelings. She's definitley not a rebound person and won't rush anything, which I'm glad about, because she'll probably only get hurt again in her state of mind.

 

I know she will find someone oneday who won't hurt her, but she needs to not be so scared of getting hurt and I hope she can work on that.

 

Thanks heaps Rogue. Your advice was very valuable.