"What's wrong?" ... "Nothing."

[Amberlyn]

Okay, after a heated argument that lasted several hours today (and it's not the first time it's happened), it's time I asked for help/opinions on this.

 

My husband and I have been married a relatively short time, however we've been together over seven years. We have had this issue for the past three or four, I'd say. It's not a big problem in the scheme of things; it's just something I think is ridiculous to argue about.

 

Perfect example. He comes home from work, and I'm doing whatever I'm doing. Making dinner, watching TV, playing online, cleaning something, whatever. Then it starts, and it starts so innocently...

 

Him: What's wrong?

Me: Nothing.

Him: No really, what's wrong?

Me: *confused* Huh? Nothing, why?

 

It's at this point that I realize that I'm not pinging-off-the-walls happy, I'm just... mediocre. Or whatever.

 

Him: Because, you just look like something's bothering you.

Me: No, I'm fine, really.

 

But the thing is, something can be bothering me, and it's like a knee-jerk reaction to say that it's nothing. I almost feel like I was programmed that way growing up. You don't bother people with your silly little trivial problems. If something was seriously wrong, of course I'd tell him. But if I'm moody, or I'm having a bad hair day, or I have a minor grievance with someone at work, I'd just as soon forget about it or deal with it on my own and hear about his day.

 

Instead, we launch into this argument as a result of me being too clammed up (and not even realizing it) and him thinking that I'm hiding something from him or keeping him at arm's length by not telling him anything that's wrong. I say I'm sparing him from little things that might have an effect on my mood but be short-lived; he interprets it as me not wanting to share things with him. He says nothing is too trivial, and that if my big toe hurts he still wants to know because he cares.

 

I am completely and totally in love with this man, and this is about as severe as our fights get. But there is great frustration and the occasional tear over it. I am the type of person that wears my heart on my sleeve and is terrible at hiding my true feelings. So if I stub my toe, I might scowl for five minutes, then I'm over it. But if he happens to come home from work during those five minutes, it turns into a huge deal, because I think it's absurd to sit around and complain about a stubbed toe, but if I say it's nothing he thinks I'm just cutting him off from my thoughts.

 

Help! I'd be interested in both male and female perspectives on this one.

[moimeme]

because I think it's absurd to sit around and complain about a stubbed toe, but if I say it's nothing he thinks I'm just cutting him off from my thoughts.

 

So tell him about your stubbed toe. It's hell thinking you've done something to bug someone and fearing that they're not telling you. It's much better to hear 'I'm just grumpy because my back hurts - it's not about you at all'.

All of us have heard horror stories of people leaving all of a sudden, never having voiced a grievance or tried to solve a problem. Some of us worry we're in a similar situation. He's one of those people. So ease his mind and tell him about your toe or your headache or whatever. Why, exactly, won't you? It seems almost as if you're refusing to tell him on purpose?

[Amberlyn]

Hmm, I guess it does sound that way because it is that way.

 

It's nothing more sinister than the fact that my nature is to keep little irrelevant problems to myself rather than darken someone else's doorstep with them. Like I said, if it's something major, something that will bother me for more than a few minutes or something that bothers me significantly, then of course I'll tell him. The problem lies in my automatic response: nothing. Try as I may, I am having a heck of a time changing that.

 

I really want to fix it - this is just such a silly thing to be arguing about. I just haven't figured out how.

[moimeme]

Well, it's worth it, no? It will ease his mind. It won't be 'troubling' him; rather it will be removing trouble for him. Anyway, you can say 'nothing' and then you can say 'no, actually, my foot aches and I've got a wedgie, but that's all, dear'.

[johan]

I agree with Moi. You think you're keeping your troubles to yourself, but you aren't. They are bothering you enough that he can sense it, so they aren't really insignificant. Don't just leave him guessing. By telling him about it , you can educate him about you and get it off your chest at the same time.

[Amberlyn]

Thanks for the opinions. I'll have to figure out how to change my auto-reply.

[jmargel]

Amberlyn,

 

I had that same kinda problem with my wife. She was the one who woudln't talk much about her issues. So I would ask, and then feel like i'm being left in the dark about something when she said 'nothing' was bothering her.

 

Going through counseling she learned to open up more to me. I also had to stop asking her so much as well. I had to let her come to me. It might be reassuring to him when next time he asks tell him 'No, there is nothing wrong, but if something is bothering me I'll let you know'. At least that'll give him the assurance he needs that you will come to him if needed. Just adding that little bit onto your reply could make a big difference. But also be sure to follow up with it too, and to start to open up to him a little more.