Minneloa Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 OP, Please listen to KatZee and livedandlearned. They know the extensive backstory here better than newbies like myself. I am just catching up, but it seems that you are trying to break a longstanding dynamic between you and this man. That is incredibly difficult, and I sympathize. Even though it might feel highly uncomfortable and counterintuitive, NC is your best option here because it provides you space and distance to get new perspectives on this entrenched and destructive (from what I have read) pattern. Sending good thoughts. M. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 I feel like the bad person. Here he is reaching out and opening up to me and I am ignoring him. I'm not thinking about writing him back, but how come I feel guilty now? I don't want to be the reason he is sad or lonely. What is the RIGHT thing to do??? I don't get easily affected by these things anymore. I would reply to his email and say, "Dude, shut up. What the hell is wrong with you?? I'm too busy banging a really hot guy I met to be wasting time reading your needy "me me me" emails. **** off, you idiot, and stop contacting me." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted April 23, 2013 Author Share Posted April 23, 2013 I don't get easily affected by these things anymore. I would reply to his email and say, "Dude, shut up. What the hell is wrong with you?? I'm too busy banging a really hot guy I met to be wasting time reading your needy "me me me" emails. **** off, you idiot, and stop contacting me." HAHA oh Treasa!! I wish I had the balls to say something like that. I should. But, I think silence hurts more. Not that I'm trying to hurt him. But it's best for both of us if I don't respond. Because by responding to him I'm giving him the power to control me. I want my power back. I want to move on and ultimately meet someone who WANTS to be committed to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 HAHA oh Treasa!! I wish I had the balls to say something like that. I should. But, I think silence hurts more. Not that I'm trying to hurt him. But it's best for both of us if I don't respond. Because by responding to him I'm giving him the power to control me. I want my power back. I want to move on and ultimately meet someone who WANTS to be committed to me. Silence is fine, but if you ever want, I'll send my version to him. It definitely sends the message that he's being annoying, but definitely not getting the upper hand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 HAHA oh Treasa!! I wish I had the balls to say something like that. I should. But, I think silence hurts more. Not that I'm trying to hurt him. But it's best for both of us if I don't respond. Because by responding to him I'm giving him the power to control me. I want my power back. I want to move on and ultimately meet someone who WANTS to be committed to me. Amen, sister. Post this on your bathroom mirror! Link to post Share on other sites
aburd123 Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 This particular letter would concern me greatly if I had received it. It would tell me that he doesn't have a healthy social life at all. He needs to find some counseling. Not letting other people in is not goodl. I tried it once. It really brings you down and I really feel that if it continues without proper help, he could turn into someone that would be dangerous to be around in the future. Not saying that it could or ever would happen , but this seems to be the trend of how those people were in their past. They hardened their hearts and wouldn't let anyone else in. I really don't know what to tell you here. I would probably respond to the email in a very careful manner explaining to him that you are concerned about him and ask him if he would consider a counselor or something , some place he go to to talk to someone....stop spending time alone for so often. Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted April 23, 2013 Author Share Posted April 23, 2013 This particular letter would concern me greatly if I had received it. It would tell me that he doesn't have a healthy social life at all. He needs to find some counseling. Not letting other people in is not goodl. I tried it once. It really brings you down and I really feel that if it continues without proper help, he could turn into someone that would be dangerous to be around in the future. Not saying that it could or ever would happen , but this seems to be the trend of how those people were in their past. They hardened their hearts and wouldn't let anyone else in. I really don't know what to tell you here. I would probably respond to the email in a very careful manner explaining to him that you are concerned about him and ask him if he would consider a counselor or something , some place he go to to talk to someone....stop spending time alone for so often. He really isn't a loner. Which is what surprised me when I read this letter. He has gone on a cruise, a trip to vegas, goes hiking all the time with friends, goes out to the bar with his buddies, goes camping, travels, visits back home, he is fine. It's funny now that I mention all those trips, I wasn't invited on even ONE of them... He isn't alone. I don't know what he is talking about and it confuses me. He has great friends who love him and he used to have a girl who would've been there for him all the way (me). But he pushed me away. What he feels is only because he has let himself feel that way. That was his choice. Like Katzee said, he is trying to make me pity him, to feel sorry for him, to feel "compelled" as he said, to write him. Link to post Share on other sites
Kobe2345 Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 You know what he said when I initiated no contact? He said "Heather, you don't know yourself like I do, you always say this and then 2 weeks from now you'll be calling me wanting to be friends and that you are ready to be friends" and, he is right. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows I'll coming running back every time. I have to remain strong. Prove him wrong, All you gotta do.. OR Troll him if i was you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 Like Katzee said, he is trying to make me pity him, to feel sorry for him, to feel "compelled" as he said, to write him. Exactly. Oh woe is him. You cut off his sex supply. Boo hoo, cry me a river here buddy. He even confesses to be under the influence of alcohol and drugs when writing that. Is that REALLY what you want? A guy who can't tell you a thing unless he's high or boozed up? Get outta here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 You know what I think. Cav Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 When you know what you want not want the LS tells you what you should want will you truly find your way. Do you know what I mean? If you know he does not want you in the way you expect him to want you and label you as a gf after two years, is that acceptable to you? You keep telling us it is not, I believe you. But do you believe yourself? Strange question isn't it, but it is a question you must answer and be sure of. Once you are sure, you will know what to do and not amount of calls, text, or pokes from him will make you feel guilty because you are "sure". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 DELETE that message. And do NOT write him back. He isn't "opening up". It's a carefully crafted letter meant to stir up feelings within you. He wants you to pity him, to miss him, to come back and sleep with him. And as noted, he was even high and drunk when he wrote it. DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. Move forward, not backward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 That letter was a whole lot of sizzle, not very much steak. Basically a lot of icing without much cake. I'd ignore it. He likes having you on a string and you have wasted two years chasing that string. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 I think you are right. All I ever wanted was him to open up to me, so he does and then to ignore it seems wrong. It wouldn't be me falling back into his arms, just letting him know I appreciate it. I'm going to really think about it before I do anything I regret. But he said, "Don't reply unless you feel utterly compelled too." Which then in turn just makes me very confused. What does he want from me? I actually missed the drunk and pills part of the email. I don't agree with my original response anymore. That was awfully weak of him to give himself an out like that.. I vote delete and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Share Posted April 24, 2013 “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” I REALLY hope you did not send this as a text to him and engage with him. Regardless of what you just wrote, YOU RESPONDED. He tugged on the string, you tugged back. You're still right where he wants you. If this is just a quote (which I hope it is) then good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Share Posted April 24, 2013 I REALLY hope you did not send this as a text to him and engage with him. Regardless of what you just wrote, YOU RESPONDED. He tugged on the string, you tugged back. You're still right where he wants you. If this is just a quote (which I hope it is) then good. Haha, yes it is just a quote that I thought was relevant to what he said about being lonely. I know the best form of action is to ignore and I respect myself enough to continue doing so. "Whenever you leave something you loved so much that meant the entire world to you, there comes a long process in reaction to it. You're thrusted into something that feels like somewhere you've never been before. But it's the exact same place you've been in. Sometimes your heart needs a long restart to realize how it feels to be off your sleeve, and back in your own chest." I'm writing my most important quotes here so when times get tough, I can come back and read them. Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 Haha, yes it is just a quote that I thought was relevant to what he said about being lonely. I know the best form of action is to ignore and I respect myself enough to continue doing so. "Whenever you leave something you loved so much that meant the entire world to you, there comes a long process in reaction to it. You're thrusted into something that feels like somewhere you've never been before. But it's the exact same place you've been in. Sometimes your heart needs a long restart to realize how it feels to be off your sleeve, and back in your own chest." I'm writing my most important quotes here so when times get tough, I can come back and read them. I vote for the stop thinking technique! cav 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Share Posted April 24, 2013 I vote for the stop thinking technique! cav oh cav, i don't know how! the more i think, the more i want to write back. don't hate me please, i'm just being honest. just because I want to, doesn't mean I will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 Sorry for going OT for a moment, but Young, are you a writer? Link to post Share on other sites
CompleteFailure Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 That letter he sent you seems so full of sh.t It's 80% guilt trip, 10% him kissing his own ass about his great goal setting, how he has all this money for a down payment and 10% emotional fluff mixed with bait for you to reply. Don't reply unless you're compelled too? "Well f*ck if you didn't make me have all these tears because I feel so bad for leaving you because you couldn't commit I wouldn't want to write back." oh cav, i don't know how! the more i think, the more i want to write back. don't hate me please, i'm just being honest. just because I want to, doesn't mean I will. You should write back something like, "Hmm... Thanks for your email... I guess. It's nice that you shared some of 'you' with me but what I want/need for a proper relationship hasn't changed." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 Wrong. If she says anything, it should be this... Click Me! Hey thats my response! Well i guess technically you have been around longer than me. Lol Cav Link to post Share on other sites
CompleteFailure Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 Wrong. If she says anything, it should be this... Click Me! I disagree. That just lets him know she's upset by his email. If he's going to send some bullsh.t toying with her, just send something back as equally subtle with the message of I don't give a f*ck. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 Wrong. If she says anything, it should be this... Click Me! My neighbors must thing I'm insane b/c I just let out the most horrendous, "HAR HAR HAR!" that echoed off all of my walls. :lmao: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 All right ...easy guys and gals. Nobody is breaking NC here. Cav Link to post Share on other sites
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