OMG - What do I do now?

[daylily]

I am new here and have never posted before. I hope I am in the right place.

 

My situation is a little bit crazy and I have made a mess and do not know what to do!

 

A year and a half ago the MM I was having an affair with abruptly ended it stating his wife found out. Our affair lasted over three years and I was single the entire time.

 

I took what he said at face value. He sent me a brief note stating she found out, there must be no more contact and that was the end. I never contacted him again.

 

I have spent the last year and a half in therapy dealing with my shame and my guilt for the part I played in hurting someone I never knew or met. I was feeling strong and healthy enough with my therapist's support to write his wife a sincere letter of apology. I sent it to her office. She contacted me over the weekend by sending me a message on Facebook. SHE HAD NO IDEA HE HAD AN AFFAIR! He lied to me to get out of it! So now, I have in effect by trying to do something good, created a huge mess.

 

I have been sick with guilt and shame for a year and half worrying about her and her pain and hoping they were able to recover and heal. Spending a fortune on therapy while this jerk probably moved on to another woman.

 

The only good is that there are no children for any of us to get sucked into this mess.

 

I am just sick, on so many levels. I don't know what to do now.

[Decorative]

I am new here and have never posted before. I hope I am in the right place.

 

My situation is a little bit crazy and I have made a mess and do not know what to do!

 

A year and a half ago the MM I was having an affair with abruptly ended it stating his wife found out. Our affair lasted over three years and I was single the entire time.

 

I took what he said at face value. He sent me a brief note stating she found out, there must be no more contact and that was the end. I never contacted him again.

 

I have spent the last year and a half in therapy dealing with my shame and my guilt for the part I played in hurting someone I never knew or met. I was feeling strong and healthy enough with my therapist's support to write his wife a sincere letter of apology. I sent it to her office. She contacted me over the weekend by sending me a message on Facebook. SHE HAD NO IDEA HE HAD AN AFFAIR! He lied to me to get out of it! So now, I have in effect by trying to do something good, created a huge mess.

 

I have been sick with guilt and shame for a year and half worrying about her and her pain and hoping they were able to recover and heal. Spending a fortune on therapy while this jerk probably moved on to another woman.

 

The only good is that there are no children for any of us to get sucked into this mess.

 

I am just sick, on so many levels. I don't know what to do now.

 

 

Hey.

 

You told the truth.

 

It's okay. I know you sent an apology from the best place in your heart. It's on him that he lied.

 

Please try to find some comfort in that you actually helped her. You gave her the truth. Everyone deserves the truth.

[DelusionalOne]

OMG... What a gutless loser that guy is!

I have no advice for you. You did what you thought was right.

[TheOW]

This my sound rude ...

 

You had an A for 3 years and suddenly felt so guilty for the BS when it ended ?? I find this very very hard to believe.

 

It's my opinion before I get jumped on

[So happy together]

I think you have an issue with moving on. Taking a year and a half to get over a married guy is a little obsessive, particularly when you felt the need to mettle with the marriage by contacting the wife. What did you hope to gain but stir up trouble. That said, the guy got what he deserved.

 

I disagree. She was trying to do the right thing, has been bothered by her part in the affair and wants to move on. Why in the world would you attack her for sending an apology when the MM LIED to her and told her that the BS knew? Give me a break!

[TheOW]

I disagree. She was trying to do the right thing, has been bothered by her part in the affair and wants to move on. Why in the world would you attack her for sending an apology when the MM LIED to her and told her that the BS knew? Give me a break!

 

Yeah bothered about BS after 3 years of sleeping with her H ...... ok

[yessy21]

WOW he pulled a fast one on you.

 

 

damn hes good.

 

welll Karma came to bite him in the rear.

[daylily]

I think you have an issue with moving on. Taking a year and a half to get over a married guy is a little obsessive, particularly when you felt the need to mettle with the marriage by contacting the wife. What did you hope to gain but stir up trouble. That said, the guy got what he deserved.

 

Wow... you sure presume to know a lot about me based on your narrow mind little quip there. It did not take me a year and a half to get over anyone. It took me about two months to get over him. What I could not get over --that I needed help with -- why I did not love myself enough that I settled for a MM. Why I did not love myself enough to go after what I deserved - a real relationship with someone who was available, emotionally and physically. That is what I have been working on. Apologizing to the BS was a sincere gesture on my part after a lot of interpersonal work and growth. I meddled in nothing.

 

I have been with a single and available man the past year. It is going great. The success in my current relationship comes from owning up to and moving on from the dreadful mistakes I made in my last one.

[Summer Breeze]

I'm sorry the thing that caused you to write the letter in the first place (hurting her) was what actually caused her to be hurt (should I say to discover what happened so she would be hurt).

 

I'm so glad she knows the truth and I hope she comes to you at some point to find out what's gone on.

 

Mostly I'm so glad he got caught.

[So happy together]

Yeah bothered about BS after 3 years of sleeping with her H ...... ok

 

People can acknowledge the folly of their ways at any time. Why would you deny her that? That's messed up.

[TheOW]

No it's truthful

[Cali408]

Revenge is a dish best served cold.....

 

Intentional or not. I wouldn't have sent the letter, but it's pretty funny.

[Snowflower]

The truth always seems to come out in the end, doesn't it?

 

Lily, your story has to be one of the more original ways the BW has found out that her H had an affair. It kind of reminds me of a story I read where the BW found out that her H was having an affair when the OW's employer called the BW's home phone. The BW answered and the employer was trying to find out why his employee had been making so many calls to that phone number during working hours! Apparently, the husband was home during the day and the OW would call him a lot.

 

Like your situation, I bet that husband didn't see the truth coming out like it did! Yes, the truth always seems to find its way to daylight, that is for sure!

 

Lily, seriously honey, your apology email did not cause her hurt. Like any affair, it is not the telling but the actual action of her H having the affair that caused her hurt.

 

If I were you, I would send her a PM on FB and tell your intent was not to hurt her but to apologize for your behavior with her husband. Tell her that you didn't intend for her to find out that way by your email, that her H lied and told you that she knew.

 

Like others said, you have actually done her a favor.

Edited April 23, 2013 by Snowflower

[Spark1111]

The truth always seems to come out in the end, doesn't it?

 

Lily, your story has to be one of the more original ways the BW has found out that her H had an affair. It kind of reminds me of a story I read where the BW found out that her H was having an affair when the OW's employer called the BW's home phone. The BW answered and the employer was trying to find out why his employee had been making so many calls to that phone number during working hours! Apparently, the husband was home during the day and the OW would call him a lot.

 

Like your situation, I bet that husband didn't see the truth coming out like it did! Yes, the truth always seems to find its way to daylight, that is for sure!

 

Lily, seriously honey, your apology email did not cause her hurt. Like any affair, it is not the telling but the actual action of her H having the affair that caused her hurt.

 

If I were you, I would send her a PM on FB and tell your intent was not to hurt her but to apologize for your behavior with her husband. Tell her that you didn't intend for her to find out that way by your email, that her H lied and told you that she knew.

 

Like others said, you have actually done her a favor.

 

I could not agree more!

 

Congratulatins for finding the courage to inform the ONLY innocent party in this, the fBS.

 

It was the right thing to do and I for one, applaud the courage it took to do so.

 

Who is to say you were his last AP?

 

Now that she is on the same page, she gets to make an informed choice for her future.

 

The pain is NOT caused by someone telling the truth.

 

The pain is caused by the actions of lying, deceit and betrayal.

 

You did the right thing. Be proud of yourself.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think you have an issue with moving on. Taking a year and a half to get over a married guy is a little obsessive, particularly when you felt the need to mettle with the marriage by contacting the wife. What did you hope to gain but stir up trouble. That said, the guy got what he deserved.

 

Stats are it takes 2-5 years to get over a relationship that is emotionally involved - so this isn't unusual.

 

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, but secrets are horrible. I watch my husband waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, because his xOW's husband doesn't know. It's no way to live, let me tell you.

 

But what an asshat to tell you she knew and cut it off that way - he's a coward.

[ThatJustHappened]

Oh goodness DayLily. I'm so sorry things are so awful for you. You've done her such a huge favor though..now she knows what a gutless coward she is married to. She has all the facts and can make an INFORMED decision about what SHE wants to do with her future. Please stop beating yourself up. You made a mistake, you owned up to it, and you've done everything you could to fix it. I just want to give you a big hug right now.

[daylily]

Some mentioned that I sent the BS an email. I didn't. I wrote a letter, email was too impersonal. I sent it to her office and marked it personal, only to be opened by recipient. She looked me up on Facebook. Not knowing for sure who I was she simply asked if I were the woman who sent her the letter. I responded I was. She wrote back and asked if it were true. I said yes, I never heard back from her.

 

However . . . Ex-MM called me and went off like a rocket! Accused me of ruining his life- called me a selfish c--t, and said he cursed the day he met me. And to think I actually saw anything in that man makes me want to puke.

 

Thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses.

[ladydesigner]

Some mentioned that I sent the BS an email. I didn't. I wrote a letter, email was too impersonal. I sent it to her office and marked it personal, only to be opened by recipient. She looked me up on Facebook. Not knowing for sure who I was she simply asked if I were the woman who sent her the letter. I responded I was. She wrote back and asked if it were true. I said yes, I never heard back from her.

 

However . . . Ex-MM called me and went off like a rocket! Accused me of ruining his life- called me a selfish c--t, and said he cursed the day he met me. And to think I actually saw anything in that man makes me want to puke.

 

Thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses.

 

Oh god so typical of these MM they never cease to amaze me. On my final DDay #4, the one where I was actually leaving my WH , he had his own rant at MOW claiming she had almost ruined his life . I looked at him and said your life is the way it is because of you.

 

(((daylily))) You sound like a wonderful lady, don't let this get you down. You did what you thought was right and now she (BS) can make an informed choice about her life.

[ThatJustHappened]

Some mentioned that I sent the BS an email. I didn't. I wrote a letter, email was too impersonal. I sent it to her office and marked it personal, only to be opened by recipient. She looked me up on Facebook. Not knowing for sure who I was she simply asked if I were the woman who sent her the letter. I responded I was. She wrote back and asked if it were true. I said yes, I never heard back from her.

 

However . . . Ex-MM called me and went off like a rocket! Accused me of ruining his life- called me a selfish c--t, and said he cursed the day he met me. And to think I actually saw anything in that man makes me want to puke.

 

Thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses.

 

Well..that's his problem, not yours. You felt bad about what you did and you tried to atone for it. He didn't, and on top of that, he told you a nasty lie to get out of the affair. Now he's paying the piper and he's looking for someone to blame other than himself. What a buttmunch!

 

You did the right thing and you should be proud of yourself.

 

Can you block his number?

[ComingInHot]

Daylily, if you are sincere (and I believe that you are), the BW will see it too. if not right away, then eventually.*

 

You offered her the TRUTH out of your sincerest apology. No matter the hurt she is feeling now, the truth is ALWAYS better.

 

As for what you should do now? There is really nothing more for you to feel obligated doing. You told the truth for You and that is a good thing. It sounds like you did it so you could move on from the person you were during the time of the A.

Now, Move On!

 

Continued contact or re-involvement w/either of them, will only stop your forward motion.

The future awaits darlin', now go make it a better one!!*

[pteromom]

So now, I have in effect by trying to do something good, created a huge mess.

 

No -HE created a huge mess by having an affair.

 

Not that you played no part in that, of course, but you have no reason to feel badly about the letter.

 

As everyone else said, you did her a favor. And for him to contact you and blame YOU is hilarious. He is only angry he was caught in lies.

[Snowflower]

Some mentioned that I sent the BS an email. I didn't. I wrote a letter, email was too impersonal. I sent it to her office and marked it personal, only to be opened by recipient. She looked me up on Facebook. Not knowing for sure who I was she simply asked if I were the woman who sent her the letter. I responded I was. She wrote back and asked if it were true. I said yes, I never heard back from her.

 

However . . . Ex-MM called me and went off like a rocket! Accused me of ruining his life- called me a selfish c--t, and said he cursed the day he met me. And to think I actually saw anything in that man makes me want to puke.

 

Thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses.

 

I probably misread your OP and thought you sent an email. I'm sorry. That's right, you mailed the letter to her work. I feel so sorry for her.

 

And I feel sorry for you too. You did the right thing, told the truth and the xMM shows his true colors by going off on you like that.

 

No, he ruined his own life. And unless he realizes that, he will never grow and change from this experience. But that fortunately, lily, is not your problem. I hope it will not remain his wife's problem either.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

He's an ass. He got caught - finally - and he thought he was home free. You did the honorable thing. Now let him deal.

[daylily]

Revenge is a dish best served cold.....

 

Intentional or not. I wouldn't have sent the letter, but it's pretty funny.

 

You know, in ten years this might be funny to me also. But right now, ugh...not so much.

[Lillyfree]

you did the right thing. serves him right.

 

his reaction should relieve you of any bad feelings about it - what a douche!